Adam's Birthday Celebration
His birthday is more than expected.9 total reviews
Comment from robyn corum
Lance,
Oh. My. Stars.
Are you serious? Remind me to never party with you, you big meanie. Oh, my stars.
Well, you had me. I didn't like this under the heading of 'horror'... only because I'm usually thinking 'scary' when I see that word, and this was going in a whole different way. But once I settled in to the concept, I was hooked to the story, you know?
Anyway - some notes:
1.) "Is there anything else you need before we leave civilization(?)" Adam asked.
2.) "Oh my God, what are they doing to them(?)" cried Tracy.
Man. Santa is watching, you know.
Thans and good luck!
reply by the author on 28-Jan-2021
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Lance,
Oh. My. Stars.
Are you serious? Remind me to never party with you, you big meanie. Oh, my stars.
Well, you had me. I didn't like this under the heading of 'horror'... only because I'm usually thinking 'scary' when I see that word, and this was going in a whole different way. But once I settled in to the concept, I was hooked to the story, you know?
Anyway - some notes:
1.) "Is there anything else you need before we leave civilization(?)" Adam asked.
2.) "Oh my God, what are they doing to them(?)" cried Tracy.
Man. Santa is watching, you know.
Thans and good luck!
Comment Written 28-Jan-2021
reply by the author on 28-Jan-2021
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Thank you for your comments and review.
Comment from Jay Squires
Wow! A sixer, all the way! Lance, you outdid yourself on this one. Never, never did I see it coming. I keep running back over it in my mind to see if there was any way Adam might have figured out what was going on.
If I were hard-pressed to offer any suggestion at all, it might be to have the participants wiping away the fake blood and the mascaraed bruises when Adam enters the room. Have them doing that instead of using the giveaway line "Everyone was there to wish Adam a Happy Birthday." That line and the "SURPRISE!!!!" I wouldn't use. Let the READER, instead, have the ah-ha moment.
Either way, though, this is a six-star job of writing, Lance. It should be right up there at or near the top in the contest.
reply by the author on 26-Jan-2021
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Wow! A sixer, all the way! Lance, you outdid yourself on this one. Never, never did I see it coming. I keep running back over it in my mind to see if there was any way Adam might have figured out what was going on.
If I were hard-pressed to offer any suggestion at all, it might be to have the participants wiping away the fake blood and the mascaraed bruises when Adam enters the room. Have them doing that instead of using the giveaway line "Everyone was there to wish Adam a Happy Birthday." That line and the "SURPRISE!!!!" I wouldn't use. Let the READER, instead, have the ah-ha moment.
Either way, though, this is a six-star job of writing, Lance. It should be right up there at or near the top in the contest.
Comment Written 26-Jan-2021
reply by the author on 26-Jan-2021
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Glad you liked it. Thank you for your review.
Comment from RetroStarfish
Whew! Surprise indeed. This certainly is a horror story and I wonder if Adam didn't spend his birthday celebration with wet pants.
Very simply and clearly written with great, realistic dialogue.
Just a few suggestions:
"Let's see, of yeah..." small typo.
"It was the middle of the night but no one could sleep and that trip ended with the family heading back home in the middle of the night." There's one too many 'middle of the nights' in this sentence.
"...were literally surrounded..." There's no need to specify that this was literally happening - its unlikely that it was happening figuratively.
reply by the author on 26-Jan-2021
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Whew! Surprise indeed. This certainly is a horror story and I wonder if Adam didn't spend his birthday celebration with wet pants.
Very simply and clearly written with great, realistic dialogue.
Just a few suggestions:
"Let's see, of yeah..." small typo.
"It was the middle of the night but no one could sleep and that trip ended with the family heading back home in the middle of the night." There's one too many 'middle of the nights' in this sentence.
"...were literally surrounded..." There's no need to specify that this was literally happening - its unlikely that it was happening figuratively.
Comment Written 26-Jan-2021
reply by the author on 26-Jan-2021
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All good edits thanks. Thank you for your review!
Comment from QC Poet
A really nice twist on a surprise party camping trip. Very well written had me imagining the worse. Many "oh my God" worse case thoughts while reading it. Thank you for Sharing your Imagination and Bikers Camping Tale.
reply by the author on 25-Jan-2021
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A really nice twist on a surprise party camping trip. Very well written had me imagining the worse. Many "oh my God" worse case thoughts while reading it. Thank you for Sharing your Imagination and Bikers Camping Tale.
Comment Written 25-Jan-2021
reply by the author on 25-Jan-2021
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Glad you enjoyed it and that I caught you with the ending. Thank you for the review.
Comment from Dana Starr
Well hell. With friends like that, who needs enemies? That was a real horror. You got me with the last paragraph. Good job. Check your spelling of Tracy. I noticed you spelled it Tracy most of the time, but Tracey at least once. That's just a little nitpick. Best of luck in the contest.
reply by the author on 25-Jan-2021
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Well hell. With friends like that, who needs enemies? That was a real horror. You got me with the last paragraph. Good job. Check your spelling of Tracy. I noticed you spelled it Tracy most of the time, but Tracey at least once. That's just a little nitpick. Best of luck in the contest.
Comment Written 25-Jan-2021
reply by the author on 25-Jan-2021
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Thanks for the nitpick!! Thank you for your review.
Comment from Sandra Stoner-Mitchell
OMG! Lance, you really had me there!!!! I think I would have died of a heart attack before the SURPRISE party was given to him. LOL, that is one party none of them will forget! Well done, this is a great contest entry, all I have to do now is wait for my heart to stop racing! Good luck! :)) Sandra xx
reply by the author on 25-Jan-2021
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OMG! Lance, you really had me there!!!! I think I would have died of a heart attack before the SURPRISE party was given to him. LOL, that is one party none of them will forget! Well done, this is a great contest entry, all I have to do now is wait for my heart to stop racing! Good luck! :)) Sandra xx
Comment Written 25-Jan-2021
reply by the author on 25-Jan-2021
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Even Adam was on the edge of his seat until Durango cut it out from under him. LOL. Thank you for your review.
Comment from DonandVicki
The story ended with a big surprise, Durango cutting the cake with the chainsaw, which surprised me for sure. Good use of dialogue that held me tight to the story.
reply by the author on 24-Jan-2021
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The story ended with a big surprise, Durango cutting the cake with the chainsaw, which surprised me for sure. Good use of dialogue that held me tight to the story.
Comment Written 24-Jan-2021
reply by the author on 24-Jan-2021
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Thank you for your review.
Comment from Iza Deleanu
Okay, this was quite scary and unusual and kind of sick, a bloody birthday, but I guess well is well end well. Thank you for sharing and good luck with the contest.
reply by the author on 23-Jan-2021
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Okay, this was quite scary and unusual and kind of sick, a bloody birthday, but I guess well is well end well. Thank you for sharing and good luck with the contest.
Comment Written 23-Jan-2021
reply by the author on 23-Jan-2021
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Ha ha ha. It is indeed a horror story contest. But once you see the name of this author you'll realize that I frequently like the surprise endings. Thank you for your review.
Comment from Rdfrdmom2
Oh, Lance:
You have a wicked, wicked mind, my friend. To say that none of
your readers could have seen that ending coming would definitely
be an understatement. That had to be the most surprising 21st
birthday party in the history of man. Good luck in the contest.
Rdfrdmom2
reply by the author on 23-Jan-2021
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Oh, Lance:
You have a wicked, wicked mind, my friend. To say that none of
your readers could have seen that ending coming would definitely
be an understatement. That had to be the most surprising 21st
birthday party in the history of man. Good luck in the contest.
Rdfrdmom2
Comment Written 23-Jan-2021
reply by the author on 23-Jan-2021
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So you were surprised or not surprised? I really like to write twisted endings to stories whenever I can slip one in. LOL Thanks for taking time to read and review the story. I appreciate your feedback.
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Oh, I was very surprised, to say the least! Rdfrdmom2
