The Girl Next Door, book #1
Viewing comments for Prologue "Frankie Gets her Feet Wet"Low/High book series *see notes
11 total reviews
Comment from RetroStarfish
This is such a well written story with a wonderful plot and a powerful ending. I really like the way you have woven in clues through-out. Why is Frankie concerned people will recognize her? Why does she think the little boy is laughing at her? What are "the right places" that the bathing suit's skirt hides?
Well done and good luck in the contest.
reply by the author on 20-Jan-2021
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This is such a well written story with a wonderful plot and a powerful ending. I really like the way you have woven in clues through-out. Why is Frankie concerned people will recognize her? Why does she think the little boy is laughing at her? What are "the right places" that the bathing suit's skirt hides?
Well done and good luck in the contest.
Comment Written 20-Jan-2021
reply by the author on 20-Jan-2021
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Thank you so, so much for your words of encouragement. I was beginning to think that it was a terribly written story. Some of the suggestions I have gotten are good ones, and I have use them to make my story better, at least I think. Now, if I could only get rid of those symbols that keep sneaking into the text!
I am so glad that you caught some of my bread crumbs. I added one more for more clarity.
Again, your words have given me some hope. And thank you so much for the six stars! Hugs.
Comment from giraffmang
Hi there,
I would suggest going through this and removing the code (those A-type things). They happen on the transfer sometimes and either need to be taken out manually or transfer using the advanced editor (it doesn't happen as often that way). They are very distracting.
Whilst it can be difficult to get away from in first person narrative, this story lies very heavily on telling over showing. Naming the senses is one way of this. Was/were being prevalent is another indicator and they are employed a lot here.
I have to admit that I didn't see the ending coming but having read back though there's no real breadcrumbs to follow to that conclusion either. It does come out of the blue.
It was almost 100�?�°. - this needs edited.
"Don't make mountains out of mole hills." - molehills could be a single word here.
pool bags full of sun tan oil- perhaps hyphenate sun-tan, or can be a single word.
"Oh, damn," I thought out loud. - maybe express this differently. if it's out loud, it's spoken.
one point from blonde brat boy - generally speaking it's blond for males and blonde for females, although this may be going out of fashion.
I turned on to my belly, and Alyson laid back. Ã?? Alyson turned her head to the left. I turned my head to the right. - this doesn't totally work. If Allison is facing up and she turns left she'll be looking away from the person face down looking right no matter what side they are on. It only works if they are both sitting or lying in the same manner, or a very specific position. If they're talking to each other and the place is so busy, one assumes they'd be facing each other but they can't be.
Irresponsible girls not wearing sun-cream! lol
"Go away! Don't you have a first grader to torture?" Allison- the spelling of the character's name changes here and later on. The next sentence it's back to the first way but changes later on again.
Then, Nick turned to us. "Frankie, I just finished my shift. I was coming back from the staff room. I am glad I walked by. Those girls have been bullying people all day!" - begs the question why he didn't eject them earlier given his threat of banishment a moment before.
And the biggest thing: how did he know my name? - maybe because he'd been in her house and she'd served him drinks. it would be feasible he'd have heard her name.
Do you ladies want a ride home?" - need opening speech marks here.
"Yes, I do. Nobody knows my name except Alyson and Lily." I stared at him. I was worried.Ã?? - really? the mean girls from school surely knew it.
It slipped out that when he was born, his mom and dad thought he was a girl." - I think the end part of this needs more working. Assumed may be a better option here given that like most parents they would go by anatomy first rather than making the assumption a newborn baby was the wrong gender.
The story is a good one but I think it needs a bit more work.
All the best
GMG
reply by the author on 20-Jan-2021
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Hi there,
I would suggest going through this and removing the code (those A-type things). They happen on the transfer sometimes and either need to be taken out manually or transfer using the advanced editor (it doesn't happen as often that way). They are very distracting.
Whilst it can be difficult to get away from in first person narrative, this story lies very heavily on telling over showing. Naming the senses is one way of this. Was/were being prevalent is another indicator and they are employed a lot here.
I have to admit that I didn't see the ending coming but having read back though there's no real breadcrumbs to follow to that conclusion either. It does come out of the blue.
It was almost 100�?�°. - this needs edited.
"Don't make mountains out of mole hills." - molehills could be a single word here.
pool bags full of sun tan oil- perhaps hyphenate sun-tan, or can be a single word.
"Oh, damn," I thought out loud. - maybe express this differently. if it's out loud, it's spoken.
one point from blonde brat boy - generally speaking it's blond for males and blonde for females, although this may be going out of fashion.
I turned on to my belly, and Alyson laid back. Ã?? Alyson turned her head to the left. I turned my head to the right. - this doesn't totally work. If Allison is facing up and she turns left she'll be looking away from the person face down looking right no matter what side they are on. It only works if they are both sitting or lying in the same manner, or a very specific position. If they're talking to each other and the place is so busy, one assumes they'd be facing each other but they can't be.
Irresponsible girls not wearing sun-cream! lol
"Go away! Don't you have a first grader to torture?" Allison- the spelling of the character's name changes here and later on. The next sentence it's back to the first way but changes later on again.
Then, Nick turned to us. "Frankie, I just finished my shift. I was coming back from the staff room. I am glad I walked by. Those girls have been bullying people all day!" - begs the question why he didn't eject them earlier given his threat of banishment a moment before.
And the biggest thing: how did he know my name? - maybe because he'd been in her house and she'd served him drinks. it would be feasible he'd have heard her name.
Do you ladies want a ride home?" - need opening speech marks here.
"Yes, I do. Nobody knows my name except Alyson and Lily." I stared at him. I was worried.Ã?? - really? the mean girls from school surely knew it.
It slipped out that when he was born, his mom and dad thought he was a girl." - I think the end part of this needs more working. Assumed may be a better option here given that like most parents they would go by anatomy first rather than making the assumption a newborn baby was the wrong gender.
The story is a good one but I think it needs a bit more work.
All the best
GMG
Comment Written 20-Jan-2021
reply by the author on 20-Jan-2021
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Thank you for telling me that those god-awful symbols snuck back into my story. I just cannot get them to stay away! I have been editing for three days now.
Thank you also for your other suggestions. I have considered them and modified some of the story as a result of them.
You said ,"...this story lies very heavily on telling over showing. Naming the senses is one way of this. Was/were being prevalent is another indicator"
could you please explain what you mean? I'm not really clear about this observation.
As for the bread crumbs of which you spoke, I agree that they were subtle, but I dropped them, I thought? if you so desire, consider the following:
*Frankie's overall paranoia in general
* She did not know what mascara is called
* Frankies sheer happiness at Blond Brat Boy's comments and the fact that he ignored her
* becca calling her a freak and referring to her as "he"
* Jeremy (I changed the boy's name) knowing her name, and Frankie being concerned about it
*Frankie being grateful that she had not gone into puberty yet
* Frankie being extra happy about the skirt on the swimsuit because it covered up the right places
* becca asking "? What is under that skirt?"
Those are the "breadcrumbs" I included originally. I added one thing as an extra one in the part where Allison sees Frankie at the pool gate, in case they were a bit too subtle. they were obvious to me, of course, because I knew they were there. :-)
Anyway, thanks again for your thoughtful comments. They are appreciated. Hugs.
Comment from lyenochka
Congrats on writing this book! I think your language level is good for advanced for second grade. However, in the future, you might consider doing shorter posts as reviewers would be scared off by this length. This could have been three posts.
I like the friendship you described by actions and dialogue. And you broached a sensitive topic of transgender children.
Best wishes in the contest.
Comments:
"Alyson and I would be freshman. " (freshmen) You might consider changing to first year in high school as schools are getting away from "man" words these days.
"Allison came to my defense" (previously, her name was spelled Alyson)
There were a lot of funny characters put in when you pasted into Fanstory. I know that hitting Enter in another program gets pasted here with a capital A with a circumflex on top. So you need to get rid of those.
I suggest replacing the word 'degrees' for the symbol in " It was almost 100�°. "
reply by the author on 20-Jan-2021
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Congrats on writing this book! I think your language level is good for advanced for second grade. However, in the future, you might consider doing shorter posts as reviewers would be scared off by this length. This could have been three posts.
I like the friendship you described by actions and dialogue. And you broached a sensitive topic of transgender children.
Best wishes in the contest.
Comments:
"Alyson and I would be freshman. " (freshmen) You might consider changing to first year in high school as schools are getting away from "man" words these days.
"Allison came to my defense" (previously, her name was spelled Alyson)
There were a lot of funny characters put in when you pasted into Fanstory. I know that hitting Enter in another program gets pasted here with a capital A with a circumflex on top. So you need to get rid of those.
I suggest replacing the word 'degrees' for the symbol in " It was almost 100�°. "
Comment Written 19-Jan-2021
reply by the author on 20-Jan-2021
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Thank you so much for reading and reviewing my work, and for your suggestions. I have been trying to get those symbols gone for days now. Nothing is working. I'm so frustrated. They just keep coming back!
I have taken some of your suggestions and included them. I'm going to keep trying to get rid of the symbols, too! Thank you again, and hugs.
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Are you using the Advanced Editor? I find it easier to paste there. Another option is to first copy and paste into Notepad which should strip formatting characters, then copy and paste from there.
Comment from Wendy G
A well written and thoughtful story which maintains the interest level through to the end. The subject matter is relevant in today's society and teens will relate.
reply by the author on 19-Jan-2021
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A well written and thoughtful story which maintains the interest level through to the end. The subject matter is relevant in today's society and teens will relate.
Comment Written 19-Jan-2021
reply by the author on 19-Jan-2021
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Thank you for reading my work. I appreciate your kind and encouraging words. Hugs.
Comment from GollyGreen32
Hi!
I thought your story was fantastic! I just noticed a few small errors. Number 1 is: "He was on the team. he was a popular guy." The sentence should read "He was on the team. He was a popular guy." Number 2 is: "Their screams of joy were loud and happy." For this sentence, you should delete "of joy" or you can write "We heard their screams of joy." Number 3 is: "Allison, I see you are hanging out with freaks now. Are you thinking of joining the circus?" sneered Becca." The sentence should read "Are you thinking of joining the circus?" Becca sneered. Number 4 is: "Those cheerleading faces she made! You know, those fake happy faces - " It should read "Those cheerleading faces she made! Those fake happy faces." These are the errors I found. Otherwise, fantastic story!
reply by the author on 19-Jan-2021
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Hi!
I thought your story was fantastic! I just noticed a few small errors. Number 1 is: "He was on the team. he was a popular guy." The sentence should read "He was on the team. He was a popular guy." Number 2 is: "Their screams of joy were loud and happy." For this sentence, you should delete "of joy" or you can write "We heard their screams of joy." Number 3 is: "Allison, I see you are hanging out with freaks now. Are you thinking of joining the circus?" sneered Becca." The sentence should read "Are you thinking of joining the circus?" Becca sneered. Number 4 is: "Those cheerleading faces she made! You know, those fake happy faces - " It should read "Those cheerleading faces she made! Those fake happy faces." These are the errors I found. Otherwise, fantastic story!
Comment Written 19-Jan-2021
reply by the author on 19-Jan-2021
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Thank you so much for reading and reviewing my work. I appreciate that you caught my errors. they are now fixed! :-) I do have one question, however? What is the difference between "sneered Becca" and "Becca sneered." Is there a reason the words should go in a certain order, or is it just a "sounds better"thing? Thank you again, so much! You are appreciated. Hugs.
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Hi!
"Becca sneered" is just a "sounds better" type of thing.
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OK. That's what I was thinking, and you're right. It does sound better. I just wasn't sure if there was some rule I was forgetting about. Ha!
Comment from Jannypan (Jan)
I will come back to read and review this in a while. I notice there are bunches of those strange symbols between paragraphs.
to fix
Disable your work--from your portfolio THEN find it under 'disabled' tab at top of portfolio
Delete all those symbols
Highlight entire piece you have to be on Advanced Editor
Save
If any didn't take a hike do same thing over.
SAVE your work
When everything is ok, go to portfolio under disabled work and restore.
Respectfully, Jan
reply by the author on 19-Jan-2021
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I will come back to read and review this in a while. I notice there are bunches of those strange symbols between paragraphs.
to fix
Disable your work--from your portfolio THEN find it under 'disabled' tab at top of portfolio
Delete all those symbols
Highlight entire piece you have to be on Advanced Editor
Save
If any didn't take a hike do same thing over.
SAVE your work
When everything is ok, go to portfolio under disabled work and restore.
Respectfully, Jan
Comment Written 18-Jan-2021
reply by the author on 19-Jan-2021
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Thank you! I did all of that, and it looks good through the author view. However, now I cannot un-disable it. *sigh* I'm working on it. Thank you so much. Hugs.
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Thank you so much again for those instructions! It took me many hours, but I was finally able to remove those symbols. Period. I think. :-)
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Looks awesome. Those symbols show up for most many times. Always look at your work after you save. It took me a while to learn about disabling work.
Comment from Jeffrey Ford
Hello, I think that you wrote a great chapter. I can definitely relate to being a teenager and going to a swimming pool. I'm glad that Nick was able to save the day and protect them from the bullies. I saw a snag with the WRLD. Should be WORLD? This is a great and engaging chapter! Thank you for sharing!
reply by the author on 18-Jan-2021
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Hello, I think that you wrote a great chapter. I can definitely relate to being a teenager and going to a swimming pool. I'm glad that Nick was able to save the day and protect them from the bullies. I saw a snag with the WRLD. Should be WORLD? This is a great and engaging chapter! Thank you for sharing!
Comment Written 18-Jan-2021
reply by the author on 18-Jan-2021
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Thank you so much for your words of encouragement and for your review. I have had so much trouble with this posting. A bunch of symbols got inserted somehow and I had to go word by word to delete them. I'm going to try to find that snag you mentioned and fix it right away! Thank you so much for telling me. Hugs.
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I was unable to find the part you mentioned, "the world. "I hope that reformatting it through my portfolio and advanced options took out that glitch. Thank you again for pointing that out. Hugs.
Comment from Liz O'Neill
People probably have already told you how your lettering came out. Someone pointed this out to me. They had a term for the malfunction. The letter A annoyingly appears at every paragraph space. Check it out. Hit read under 'my post'.
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Now your story:
Very cool picture to accompany this account. The soliloquy section is compelling. I will have to give this an A+ right off. The cadence is excellent. The reader is right with the character, every emotion, every step and even in the premeditation of actions earlier that day. Maybe, because of my experience in the lgbtq+ community, I had a little hope that your story was about transgenders. Do you have more stories like these? There are some wonderful stories on you tube of very young kids insisting that they have the wrong physical body.
reply by the author on 18-Jan-2021
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People probably have already told you how your lettering came out. Someone pointed this out to me. They had a term for the malfunction. The letter A annoyingly appears at every paragraph space. Check it out. Hit read under 'my post'.
**********
Now your story:
Very cool picture to accompany this account. The soliloquy section is compelling. I will have to give this an A+ right off. The cadence is excellent. The reader is right with the character, every emotion, every step and even in the premeditation of actions earlier that day. Maybe, because of my experience in the lgbtq+ community, I had a little hope that your story was about transgenders. Do you have more stories like these? There are some wonderful stories on you tube of very young kids insisting that they have the wrong physical body.
Comment Written 18-Jan-2021
reply by the author on 18-Jan-2021
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I never use the spellcheck on this website until I posted this story. Never again! It has been a nightmare trying to fix all the stuff that went wrong. but yes, people have pointed the glitch out to me, and I have fixed it three times already. I'm going to do another run through either later tonight or tomorrow.
In the second book of the series, Frankie meets with Tucker and hears about his very young Social transition. Then in book 3, she transitions as well. I'm not sure if I'm going to go into any of the medical transitioning as she is only 14, but I might touch on it a bit. I know a lot about it because I have some first-hand experience in the area. I am a strong LGBTQ ally as well, and have been since I was a teenager.
Anyway, thank you so very much for the awesome stars. I appreciate it you made my night! Hugs!
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Have you tried Grammarly.com ? It is excellent. It doesn't fix it for you, it just point out the needs for editing.
Your books sound cool. Are they accessible anywhere. What are their titles?
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No, I don't have anything published yet. I'm just working on the material now.
Feel free to add me as a buddy after this contest is over, and we can chat more. I fear saying too much and getting disqualified from the contest before the submissions are even due. Ha ha
Comment from Iza Deleanu
A very sensible story, that will do well in the contest and when you published the book, I am pretty sure is going to be a hit. Thank you for sharing and good luck with the contest.
reply by the author on 18-Jan-2021
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A very sensible story, that will do well in the contest and when you published the book, I am pretty sure is going to be a hit. Thank you for sharing and good luck with the contest.
Comment Written 18-Jan-2021
reply by the author on 18-Jan-2021
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Thank you so much for reading and reviewing my story. Thank you, too, for your words of encouragement. Hugs and blessings.
Comment from robyn corum
Dear Mystery Writer,
Well, okay. I was not expecting that. The story was nicely written and moved well from the beginning to the end. I had a problem with the fact the girls paid so much to get in - in kid dollars - but then left immediately. I would appreciate that a lot more if they had been there a little longer. The mean girls could come in after these two have been there for a while, right? Just a small issue with that timeline.
Another note:
--> "Allison, I see you are hanging out with freaks now.
--> Alyson -- keep it consistent
Finally, please always make it a point to look at your post when you complete all the work to get it up. Here, Evil Eddie (the site word processor) has added extra symbols to every paragraph space. Those need to be removed.
Thanks and good luck!
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 18-Jan-2021
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Dear Mystery Writer,
Well, okay. I was not expecting that. The story was nicely written and moved well from the beginning to the end. I had a problem with the fact the girls paid so much to get in - in kid dollars - but then left immediately. I would appreciate that a lot more if they had been there a little longer. The mean girls could come in after these two have been there for a while, right? Just a small issue with that timeline.
Another note:
--> "Allison, I see you are hanging out with freaks now.
--> Alyson -- keep it consistent
Finally, please always make it a point to look at your post when you complete all the work to get it up. Here, Evil Eddie (the site word processor) has added extra symbols to every paragraph space. Those need to be removed.
Thanks and good luck!
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 18-Jan-2021
reply by the author on 18-Jan-2021
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That will teach me to use the website spellchecker. I just went back and deleted the whole thing and re-pasted it from my notes. Hopefully, all those symbols are gone now. Apparently, somehow I picked up the spellchecker's misspelling of "Allison," too. That should also be gone now.
Thank you for reading my story and for pointing out the Evil Eddie glitches. It's appreciated. Hugs
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Nope. They are still there. As I said, after you create the post always click on 'view it'. YOU want to see what the readers will see.
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Removing those symbols was no simple task, but I think I finally did it! I feel more rewarded then when I finish a story. Shaking my head. Thank you again for your tips! Hugs.
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Yeah. Evil Eddie earned that name for a good reason. *smile*
