The Spirit of the Wind
Viewing comments for Chapter 26 "Into the Belly of the Whale"Newylwed homesteader Jane becomes a widow
12 total reviews
Comment from CrystieCookie999
Most readable content, as always! The tension at the beginning is apparent with Jane wondering how the Indians' behavior is going to play out.
Little fixes:
I prayed a silent prayer, looking up into the night sky where the smoke from the fire escapes and I see trinkets of stars.
Just change the verbs 'escapes' to escaped and 'see' to saw. That is for the sake of continuity and uniform verb tenses.
I knew then, in another moment, Little Deer and I would be a steps between life and death.
Just change 'steps' to 'step' since you have the singular article 'a' in front of it.
She'd given me moccasins for my feet which had been bleeding and bruised.
I think I would just insert a comma after feet.
My legs tightened, as I watched her crawl out first with her satchel.
I think you could take the comma out after tightened.
We raced on foot skirting the outer edges of the village between bushes and tall weeds leading away from where we might spook a string of horses and a brave guarding them.
I would insert a comma after We raced on foot and also a comma after weeds
Also, it has occurred to me that this seems like a shorter chapter than usual, although it is full of great action words and description and covers all the events.
reply by the author on 23-Jan-2021
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Most readable content, as always! The tension at the beginning is apparent with Jane wondering how the Indians' behavior is going to play out.
Little fixes:
I prayed a silent prayer, looking up into the night sky where the smoke from the fire escapes and I see trinkets of stars.
Just change the verbs 'escapes' to escaped and 'see' to saw. That is for the sake of continuity and uniform verb tenses.
I knew then, in another moment, Little Deer and I would be a steps between life and death.
Just change 'steps' to 'step' since you have the singular article 'a' in front of it.
She'd given me moccasins for my feet which had been bleeding and bruised.
I think I would just insert a comma after feet.
My legs tightened, as I watched her crawl out first with her satchel.
I think you could take the comma out after tightened.
We raced on foot skirting the outer edges of the village between bushes and tall weeds leading away from where we might spook a string of horses and a brave guarding them.
I would insert a comma after We raced on foot and also a comma after weeds
Also, it has occurred to me that this seems like a shorter chapter than usual, although it is full of great action words and description and covers all the events.
Comment Written 23-Jan-2021
reply by the author on 23-Jan-2021
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Thanks for going back and finding the previous one and all editing help. I'm super grateful as always. And your fixes are always spot on!
Comment from robyn corum
Stan,
This was a really interesting and scary part of your story. There's no telling what you have in mind for us!
A couple of notes:
1.) I prayed a silent prayer, looking up into the night sky
--> I offered a silent prayer...
2.) Little Deer, not knowing if her husband was passed out drunk in front of the flap,
--> our girl can't look inside the other girl's mind. Head-hopping
3.) She'd given me moccasins for my feet which had been bleeding and bruised.
--> She'd given me moccasins for my bleeding and bruised feet.
--> otherwise the idea of feet is implied
Thanks a bunch!
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Stan,
This was a really interesting and scary part of your story. There's no telling what you have in mind for us!
A couple of notes:
1.) I prayed a silent prayer, looking up into the night sky
--> I offered a silent prayer...
2.) Little Deer, not knowing if her husband was passed out drunk in front of the flap,
--> our girl can't look inside the other girl's mind. Head-hopping
3.) She'd given me moccasins for my feet which had been bleeding and bruised.
--> She'd given me moccasins for my bleeding and bruised feet.
--> otherwise the idea of feet is implied
Thanks a bunch!
Comment Written 19-Jan-2021
Comment from Sally Law
This is one of my favorite chapters, dear Stan. You did a great job with this! Your story is coming along and full of adventure. Wow. What a harrowing tale. Staying tuned. Sending you my best today as always,
Sal :)) xo
reply by the author on 21-Jan-2021
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This is one of my favorite chapters, dear Stan. You did a great job with this! Your story is coming along and full of adventure. Wow. What a harrowing tale. Staying tuned. Sending you my best today as always,
Sal :)) xo
Comment Written 17-Jan-2021
reply by the author on 21-Jan-2021
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Thanks again for this one. I've got to get to your project. I promise.
Comment from thaities, Rebecca V.
This is another wonderful chapter in a great book!
Noticed a typo in the fourth paragraph:
I knew then, in another moment, Little Deer and I would be a steps (step) between life and death.
reply by the author on 17-Jan-2021
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This is another wonderful chapter in a great book!
Noticed a typo in the fourth paragraph:
I knew then, in another moment, Little Deer and I would be a steps (step) between life and death.
Comment Written 16-Jan-2021
reply by the author on 17-Jan-2021
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Thanks Becca!
Comment from Alaskastory
"Into the Belly of the Whale" is an exciting escape scene with Jane and Little Deer. Their route is well described. Two sentences may need correction or made easier to understand: "a steps between life and death" and "I watched her faint outline stuffing a satchel".
reply by the author on 17-Jan-2021
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"Into the Belly of the Whale" is an exciting escape scene with Jane and Little Deer. Their route is well described. Two sentences may need correction or made easier to understand: "a steps between life and death" and "I watched her faint outline stuffing a satchel".
Comment Written 16-Jan-2021
reply by the author on 17-Jan-2021
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Thanks Marie!
Comment from royowen
Now they've opened up a chance to survive for them both, being a captive in an Indian village wouldn't have been a great life for a woman, an if you were a man, the end of life. Beautifully written my friend, blessings Roy
reply by the author on 17-Jan-2021
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Now they've opened up a chance to survive for them both, being a captive in an Indian village wouldn't have been a great life for a woman, an if you were a man, the end of life. Beautifully written my friend, blessings Roy
Comment Written 16-Jan-2021
reply by the author on 17-Jan-2021
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Thanks!
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Welcome
Comment from Mastery
Hi Stan. Your chapters seem to get more interesting and exciting with each post. You have mastered the methodology of writing beautiful and pertinent imagery. Like here for instance:
"The illumined sky reflected from the canyon walls. We raced on foot skirting the outer edges of the village between bushes and tall weeds leading away from where we might spook a string of horses and a brave guarding them."
And here: "I held my breath and wiggled out through the hole like a snake in the grass. I took my first sip of free air. But little Deer motioned for me to stay close."
Bravo my friend. Bob
reply by the author on 16-Jan-2021
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Hi Stan. Your chapters seem to get more interesting and exciting with each post. You have mastered the methodology of writing beautiful and pertinent imagery. Like here for instance:
"The illumined sky reflected from the canyon walls. We raced on foot skirting the outer edges of the village between bushes and tall weeds leading away from where we might spook a string of horses and a brave guarding them."
And here: "I held my breath and wiggled out through the hole like a snake in the grass. I took my first sip of free air. But little Deer motioned for me to stay close."
Bravo my friend. Bob
Comment Written 16-Jan-2021
reply by the author on 16-Jan-2021
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Thanks, Bob! You keep my drive alive.
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Good. Stay on that rod, my friend. It leads to success Bob
Comment from Mistydawn
So far, so good. I just hope Jane's luck holds out. It's well-written, interesting, but not one of your best chapters. The escape seems rushed the wording awkward. For instance, We raced on foot skirting the outer edges of the village between bushes and tall weeds leading away from where we might spook a string of horses and a brave guarding them. Fear surges through every ounce of by being as we race away from the dangers that might alert them of our escape.
Another example is We soaked ourselves, wading through the icy stream. Slipping on the rocks in the water, I banged my knees. Perhaps, My foot slips on a mossy rock causing me to plummet into the icy stream. I scrape my knee against the boulder's jagged edge when I go down.
I guess what I'm suggesting is to replace unnecessary words with a description. Paint a picture; make us feel like we're there the way you have so many times before.
reply by the author on 16-Jan-2021
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So far, so good. I just hope Jane's luck holds out. It's well-written, interesting, but not one of your best chapters. The escape seems rushed the wording awkward. For instance, We raced on foot skirting the outer edges of the village between bushes and tall weeds leading away from where we might spook a string of horses and a brave guarding them. Fear surges through every ounce of by being as we race away from the dangers that might alert them of our escape.
Another example is We soaked ourselves, wading through the icy stream. Slipping on the rocks in the water, I banged my knees. Perhaps, My foot slips on a mossy rock causing me to plummet into the icy stream. I scrape my knee against the boulder's jagged edge when I go down.
I guess what I'm suggesting is to replace unnecessary words with a description. Paint a picture; make us feel like we're there the way you have so many times before.
Comment Written 16-Jan-2021
reply by the author on 16-Jan-2021
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Thanks, Misty. You made some valid points. I thought my touch was awkward and stilted with this entry. Don't mind. Thanks!
Comment from Iza Deleanu
Ran or stay, that is the question and if is to die a least why not try escaping. I like this phrase over here it reminds me of the almighty power if the nature: "Little Deer struck a match across the rock and lit her torch. She waved the torch in front of her, and I followed her into the mouth of the cave, a point of no return into the belly of the whale.
" Thank you for sharing and good luck with your writings.
reply by the author on 17-Jan-2021
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Ran or stay, that is the question and if is to die a least why not try escaping. I like this phrase over here it reminds me of the almighty power if the nature: "Little Deer struck a match across the rock and lit her torch. She waved the torch in front of her, and I followed her into the mouth of the cave, a point of no return into the belly of the whale.
" Thank you for sharing and good luck with your writings.
Comment Written 16-Jan-2021
reply by the author on 17-Jan-2021
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Thanks for all the kind words.
Comment from Alcreator Litt Dear
This Western Fiction is fairly, fantastically and expressively written, eloquently-realistically characterized, in an adventurous taletelling, plot development, ended with a daring escape; well said, well done, thanks for sharing this. ALCREATOR
reply by the author on 21-Jan-2021
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This Western Fiction is fairly, fantastically and expressively written, eloquently-realistically characterized, in an adventurous taletelling, plot development, ended with a daring escape; well said, well done, thanks for sharing this. ALCREATOR
Comment Written 15-Jan-2021
reply by the author on 21-Jan-2021
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Thanks again!
