A Random Act
No Admission3 total reviews
Comment from rockmann
Albert and Dorah are quite the couple. This little slice of life was entertaining, especially since it made no sense!! Ha. I really liked it. Good luck in the contest.
reply by the author on 23-Jan-2021
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Albert and Dorah are quite the couple. This little slice of life was entertaining, especially since it made no sense!! Ha. I really liked it. Good luck in the contest.
Comment Written 17-Jan-2021
reply by the author on 23-Jan-2021
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Haha, yes the story itself unfolded itself to me in a very different direction to where I thought I was headed. It made little sense to me until the end, whereby I was forced come up with a title for this little slice.
Thank you for your generous rating and encouraging review.
Best
John
Comment from Pantygynt
This started well, using the given sentence on its own as your staret point. You would be surprised by the number of entries who can't seem to manage this basic instruction.
The next sentence, which took up the whole paragraph however, was a run on. The one after that showed that you could do it properly!
These days the most acceptable style is to write a story as short as this from one point of view. This leaps between the two old residents of the house. I would suggest that since Albert is 'out of it for' a while Dorah's would be the PoV to go for.
A few bits of SPAG noticed:
'...and blew out the smoke which wafted around Dorah.' - comma needed after 'smoke'.
'The two of them became more relaxed, their manner calmed as they stood gathering their thoughts in silence.' - this is really two sentences but linked closely so I would use a semi-colon after 'relaxed'.
reply by the author on 16-Jan-2021
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This started well, using the given sentence on its own as your staret point. You would be surprised by the number of entries who can't seem to manage this basic instruction.
The next sentence, which took up the whole paragraph however, was a run on. The one after that showed that you could do it properly!
These days the most acceptable style is to write a story as short as this from one point of view. This leaps between the two old residents of the house. I would suggest that since Albert is 'out of it for' a while Dorah's would be the PoV to go for.
A few bits of SPAG noticed:
'...and blew out the smoke which wafted around Dorah.' - comma needed after 'smoke'.
'The two of them became more relaxed, their manner calmed as they stood gathering their thoughts in silence.' - this is really two sentences but linked closely so I would use a semi-colon after 'relaxed'.
Comment Written 16-Jan-2021
reply by the author on 16-Jan-2021
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Thank you Panty for your in depth review, much appreciated.
Yes, run on sentences are a weakness of mine. I rarely write stories these days but I was tempted to give this ago yesterday. I keyed it straight into my phone, I know, I know I should take the time to do it properly in a word processor. It was just a stream of consciousness thing, I had no idea where it was headed.
Winning the competition matters little to me, it is the journey and finished product that matters. I will of course make the corrections you suggest, once the competition is over. Also thanks for the insight on presenting Pov. I will definitely take that into account next time.
Comment from Bill Schott
This story opens as it must and creates two characters that we can appreciate. These two old folks go through this invasion and are spared by the weirdest of reasons. Great characters in a brief story.
reply by the author on 16-Jan-2021
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This story opens as it must and creates two characters that we can appreciate. These two old folks go through this invasion and are spared by the weirdest of reasons. Great characters in a brief story.
Comment Written 15-Jan-2021
reply by the author on 16-Jan-2021
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Thank you Bill.
