Another Life
Viewing comments for Chapter 30 "Into the Depths"American Isekai
11 total reviews
Comment from Liz O'Neill
Hmmm would you rather be tortured during interrogation with being shocked or your body on a stretch rack? hmmm...decisions decisions. I suppose Paul is hesitant to introduce too many ideas for weapons, so we'll have to watch this. You have left the reader in suspense. Onto the next chapters
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Hmmm would you rather be tortured during interrogation with being shocked or your body on a stretch rack? hmmm...decisions decisions. I suppose Paul is hesitant to introduce too many ideas for weapons, so we'll have to watch this. You have left the reader in suspense. Onto the next chapters
Comment Written 18-Apr-2021
Comment from barbara.wilkey
You did a good job describing the scene. I felt like I was there. This is another good write.
"It's also sturdy and to retract it. Give it another twist. (I'm thinking this should be one sentence, with a comma or maybe a semi-colon.)
reply by the author on 10-Jan-2021
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You did a good job describing the scene. I felt like I was there. This is another good write.
"It's also sturdy and to retract it. Give it another twist. (I'm thinking this should be one sentence, with a comma or maybe a semi-colon.)
Comment Written 10-Jan-2021
reply by the author on 10-Jan-2021
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Thank you.
Comment from judiverse
Interesting exchanges between Madam Birch and Crista and her thoughts about Crista's outfit. It sounds like the men are getting well prepared to go after the scrappers. They sound pretty scary. Paul gives the low-down on them in his presentation, which also has a needed touch of humor. The creatures can inject poison, but they are vulnerable to blows between the eyes and have soft stomachs. They're also afraid of fire. The spears are the weapons they'll use. Great behind the scenes details of the estate. Excellent story telling. judi
reply by the author on 08-Jan-2021
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Interesting exchanges between Madam Birch and Crista and her thoughts about Crista's outfit. It sounds like the men are getting well prepared to go after the scrappers. They sound pretty scary. Paul gives the low-down on them in his presentation, which also has a needed touch of humor. The creatures can inject poison, but they are vulnerable to blows between the eyes and have soft stomachs. They're also afraid of fire. The spears are the weapons they'll use. Great behind the scenes details of the estate. Excellent story telling. judi
Comment Written 08-Jan-2021
reply by the author on 08-Jan-2021
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Thank you. Paul is in his element. On a mission, leading men.
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You're welcome. I appears they're going to have quite an adventure in store. judi
Comment from Suzanna Ray
Dear lancellot, I am glad the team is ready for action! My only question is who invented the retractable spears? (Or is the inventor, not important to the story.) It seems to me, such a person is going to be needed, Because I am sure, our heroes are going to be facing more than spiders, in those tunnels.
reply by the author on 08-Jan-2021
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Dear lancellot, I am glad the team is ready for action! My only question is who invented the retractable spears? (Or is the inventor, not important to the story.) It seems to me, such a person is going to be needed, Because I am sure, our heroes are going to be facing more than spiders, in those tunnels.
Comment Written 08-Jan-2021
reply by the author on 08-Jan-2021
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Paul made them. That was hinted at by Lecher and Paul in previous chapters.
Thank you, Suzanna.
Comment from Jay Squires
You're setting up a grand adventure. I'm thinking ahead, but at some point, Crista is going to come into contact with a very interested Marquise, or a noble, and Paul will have to defend his wife.
A couple of things to look at:
One thing was though Crista would serve as the swordmaster's assistant. [Lance, was "though" supposed to be "that"? I can't understand the question otherwise.]
It will take a lot more material but I think he could still accomplish it, no matter the size." [Whoa, Crista, my love!"]
and I don't know the way' is not an acceptable excuse. [You need an open single quote mark before the "I".]
"So, how are supposed to kill it? [missing we]
reply by the author on 08-Jan-2021
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You're setting up a grand adventure. I'm thinking ahead, but at some point, Crista is going to come into contact with a very interested Marquise, or a noble, and Paul will have to defend his wife.
A couple of things to look at:
One thing was though Crista would serve as the swordmaster's assistant. [Lance, was "though" supposed to be "that"? I can't understand the question otherwise.]
It will take a lot more material but I think he could still accomplish it, no matter the size." [Whoa, Crista, my love!"]
and I don't know the way' is not an acceptable excuse. [You need an open single quote mark before the "I".]
"So, how are supposed to kill it? [missing we]
Comment Written 08-Jan-2021
reply by the author on 08-Jan-2021
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Thank you, Jay. I got those already. The reviewers have been most kind.
Glad, you like Crista. Her development will only continue. I really like her POV chapters coming up. She can take care of herself.
Comment from Jeff Watkins
I will always read the other reviews before writing mine so that I can add a different perspective or reinforce previous ones.
As previously noted, sentence structure is a problem at times, and the single sentence paragraphs often should be combined. A few examples:
it was decided---who decided? Use active voice.
would like--drop would
she narrowed her eyes--why? Combine with next sentence.
there was a slight grumble-- use an action verb and combine with next sentence
so how are (we) supposed--add we
I read in one of my how-to-write-novels books that when you are explaining you are losing the reader's interest. The narrator is not explaining, but the characters are. I suggest you emphasize action and weave in the description and explanation along the way.
Good luck.
reply by the author on 08-Jan-2021
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I will always read the other reviews before writing mine so that I can add a different perspective or reinforce previous ones.
As previously noted, sentence structure is a problem at times, and the single sentence paragraphs often should be combined. A few examples:
it was decided---who decided? Use active voice.
would like--drop would
she narrowed her eyes--why? Combine with next sentence.
there was a slight grumble-- use an action verb and combine with next sentence
so how are (we) supposed--add we
I read in one of my how-to-write-novels books that when you are explaining you are losing the reader's interest. The narrator is not explaining, but the characters are. I suggest you emphasize action and weave in the description and explanation along the way.
Good luck.
Comment Written 08-Jan-2021
reply by the author on 08-Jan-2021
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Thank you very much. This helps a great deal.
Comment from RetroStarfish
Lots of good things happening in this chapter -action, scene setting and dialogue. The banter in the caves about how big the scrappers are, is hilarious and well done.
There are some issues, though, beginning with the second sentence:
"Raymond's team comprised of a few guards, a historian, a surgeon, three archaeologists, a couple of miners, and two mapmakers were included in the twenty-man party. " It's on the long side and has two verbs: 'the team comprised of' and 'were included in the...'
There are other places through out where the writing is awkward. I get the formal style, but sometimes unnecessary words get in the way of the good writing - slowing a reader down.
For example:
"The springs inside will disengage, and then you can." take out 'and then you can.'
"One thing was though Crista would serve as the swordmaster's assistant." Why not 'Crista would serve...' or 'It bothered him that...'
Good story though and great world building.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 08-Jan-2021
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Lots of good things happening in this chapter -action, scene setting and dialogue. The banter in the caves about how big the scrappers are, is hilarious and well done.
There are some issues, though, beginning with the second sentence:
"Raymond's team comprised of a few guards, a historian, a surgeon, three archaeologists, a couple of miners, and two mapmakers were included in the twenty-man party. " It's on the long side and has two verbs: 'the team comprised of' and 'were included in the...'
There are other places through out where the writing is awkward. I get the formal style, but sometimes unnecessary words get in the way of the good writing - slowing a reader down.
For example:
"The springs inside will disengage, and then you can." take out 'and then you can.'
"One thing was though Crista would serve as the swordmaster's assistant." Why not 'Crista would serve...' or 'It bothered him that...'
Good story though and great world building.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 08-Jan-2021
reply by the author on 08-Jan-2021
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Yes that sentence long, but I need to readers to know all the team members and what they are now. That knowledge will be important later. I will look for a way to break it up or simplify it.
I don't get the two verb thing, a complex sentence can have more than one.
The 'One thing though' part is written that was because the reader already know Crista would serve as the swordmaster's assistant. So removing, would leave the reader saying: We already know that. This way lets them know , I know, that they know this. Perhaps I can structure it smoother.
I really appreciate the great review. It means the reader really got into the chapter. Please, if you have time, keep reading. Things are heating up and many times I screw up when write while excited.
Thank you very much.
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And thank you for the nomination and membership pump! I can't wait to read more of your work.
Comment from 4theloveoftrees
I enjoyed this chapter of "Another Life", I may need to check out the previous ones. I definite got a chuckle reading "It will take a lot more material but I think he could still accomplish it, no matter the size." Nice job!
reply by the author on 08-Jan-2021
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I enjoyed this chapter of "Another Life", I may need to check out the previous ones. I definite got a chuckle reading "It will take a lot more material but I think he could still accomplish it, no matter the size." Nice job!
Comment Written 08-Jan-2021
reply by the author on 08-Jan-2021
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Thank you very much
Comment from Lance S. Loria
This is the first chapter of your work that I've read. I was able to pick up the story and follow it easily. I followed it and it flowed naturally. I felt there was enough detail provided to keep it interesting without overload. Also, the character notes were helpful since I was a newbie. No edits or adjustments to suggest.
reply by the author on 08-Jan-2021
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This is the first chapter of your work that I've read. I was able to pick up the story and follow it easily. I followed it and it flowed naturally. I felt there was enough detail provided to keep it interesting without overload. Also, the character notes were helpful since I was a newbie. No edits or adjustments to suggest.
Comment Written 08-Jan-2021
reply by the author on 08-Jan-2021
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Thank you very much.
Comment from Iza Deleanu
"The squires arrived at the estate two days before Raymond. Paul was grateful for that as it allowed them time to settle in and learn a few things. One thing was though Crista would serve as the swordmaster's assistant. As a female servant, she would work under Hilda Birch, the female servants' supervisor." What a clever infiltration in the household. Thank you for sharing and good luck with the next chapter.
reply by the author on 08-Jan-2021
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"The squires arrived at the estate two days before Raymond. Paul was grateful for that as it allowed them time to settle in and learn a few things. One thing was though Crista would serve as the swordmaster's assistant. As a female servant, she would work under Hilda Birch, the female servants' supervisor." What a clever infiltration in the household. Thank you for sharing and good luck with the next chapter.
Comment Written 08-Jan-2021
reply by the author on 08-Jan-2021
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Thank you.
