My Happy Place
Sometimes beauty sneaks up on you30 total reviews
Comment from Jay Squires
I enjoyed reading about your happy place. You have a natural and easy writing style. Very conversational. There were a few areas that gave me pause. You may want to check them out. I deducted a star only because of the things I feel should be changed. As soon as you let me know you've made the changes or you disagree with them, I'll return your star.
Please accept my review in the spirit in which it was intended.
I'm not a little guy. I started sweating just looking at what we had to do. [This needs some sort of bridge between "little guy" and "sweating." One doesn't appear to have much to do with the other the way you've written it.]
Luckily, we weren't busting brush the whole way up. [You need a space between paragraphs. Or bring "Luckily" up to the last sentence in the previous paragraph. Oh, and while you're at it, what does "busting brush" mean?]
I called for a break and told my squad to take a load off. [I think the reader would like to know that you were a squad-leader earlier on.]
But looking down on the Turtle Bay Resort [paragraph break]
The sky was bluer than the ocean without a cloud in it, [This could be misconstrued to mean the ocean didn't have a cloud in it. It can be corrected by simply shifting "without a cloud in it" to just after "The sky".]
without a cloud in it, listening to the Trade Winds rustling through the leaves was almost hypnotic. [After "it" you need either a period or a semicolon. Never, never use a comma to separate two complete sentences.]
People laugh at me in later years whenever I would get stressed or angry I'd talk to myself and recall that scene. [Once again, another run-on sentence (or comma splice). Again, you can either drop a period or semicolon after angry, or you can add the word "because." Another place you could put that comma or semi-colon is after "years".]
I love your last paragraph. Tying it in with Disneyland was brilliant!
reply by the author on 31-Dec-2020
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I enjoyed reading about your happy place. You have a natural and easy writing style. Very conversational. There were a few areas that gave me pause. You may want to check them out. I deducted a star only because of the things I feel should be changed. As soon as you let me know you've made the changes or you disagree with them, I'll return your star.
Please accept my review in the spirit in which it was intended.
I'm not a little guy. I started sweating just looking at what we had to do. [This needs some sort of bridge between "little guy" and "sweating." One doesn't appear to have much to do with the other the way you've written it.]
Luckily, we weren't busting brush the whole way up. [You need a space between paragraphs. Or bring "Luckily" up to the last sentence in the previous paragraph. Oh, and while you're at it, what does "busting brush" mean?]
I called for a break and told my squad to take a load off. [I think the reader would like to know that you were a squad-leader earlier on.]
But looking down on the Turtle Bay Resort [paragraph break]
The sky was bluer than the ocean without a cloud in it, [This could be misconstrued to mean the ocean didn't have a cloud in it. It can be corrected by simply shifting "without a cloud in it" to just after "The sky".]
without a cloud in it, listening to the Trade Winds rustling through the leaves was almost hypnotic. [After "it" you need either a period or a semicolon. Never, never use a comma to separate two complete sentences.]
People laugh at me in later years whenever I would get stressed or angry I'd talk to myself and recall that scene. [Once again, another run-on sentence (or comma splice). Again, you can either drop a period or semicolon after angry, or you can add the word "because." Another place you could put that comma or semi-colon is after "years".]
I love your last paragraph. Tying it in with Disneyland was brilliant!
Comment Written 31-Dec-2020
reply by the author on 31-Dec-2020
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Thank you for all the editing tips. I have gone back and made the corrections you suggested.
Comment from Ben B.
Wow, this really is a vivid intake on Hawaii. I've never been there before so I suppose that make me an ideal candidate for reading your story. But what really got me was the veteran experience your described. If you said that this story was real I'd believe you.
reply by the author on 04-Jan-2021
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Wow, this really is a vivid intake on Hawaii. I've never been there before so I suppose that make me an ideal candidate for reading your story. But what really got me was the veteran experience your described. If you said that this story was real I'd believe you.
Comment Written 31-Dec-2020
reply by the author on 04-Jan-2021
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Thank you very much. It really happened I guarantee it. I appreciate you reading and reviewing my work. Stay safe and healthy in the new year.
Comment from royowen
Our geographical location gives us easier places to access in the pacific, but my an I have visited Honolulu, or is it Waikiki? That's where the hotel was on our way to New York, to visit my Aussie daughter and family. But it was beautiful, but not as Pacific as some closer to our shores. Beautifully written, yes, there are places we all go to for rest, though different, just as therapeutic. Beautifully written, thanks for sharing, blessings and good luck, Roy
reply by the author on 04-Jan-2021
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Our geographical location gives us easier places to access in the pacific, but my an I have visited Honolulu, or is it Waikiki? That's where the hotel was on our way to New York, to visit my Aussie daughter and family. But it was beautiful, but not as Pacific as some closer to our shores. Beautifully written, yes, there are places we all go to for rest, though different, just as therapeutic. Beautifully written, thanks for sharing, blessings and good luck, Roy
Comment Written 31-Dec-2020
reply by the author on 04-Jan-2021
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Thank you very much Roy. I appreciate you reading and reviewing my work. Stay safe and healthy in the new year.
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You too Earl
Comment from Rikki66
Beauty is always in the eye of the beholder especially when it comes to nature. In the spring of 1968, I went to a French Vietnamese restaurant in the center of a banana plantation. With the war all around this brief respite was the most beautiful place I had had ever experienced. Good Story thanks for the memory.
RikkiLXXIV
reply by the author on 04-Jan-2021
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Beauty is always in the eye of the beholder especially when it comes to nature. In the spring of 1968, I went to a French Vietnamese restaurant in the center of a banana plantation. With the war all around this brief respite was the most beautiful place I had had ever experienced. Good Story thanks for the memory.
RikkiLXXIV
Comment Written 31-Dec-2020
reply by the author on 04-Jan-2021
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Thank you very much Rikki. You should have entered the contest with that great memory. I appreciate you reading and reviewing my work. Stay safe and healthy in the new year.
Comment from zanya
This is a superb snapshot of the 'real' Hawaii and the description suggests it is certainly an unforgettable place for the author - amazing how such a powerful impact can be made in 'twenty minutes of my life.'
reply by the author on 04-Jan-2021
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This is a superb snapshot of the 'real' Hawaii and the description suggests it is certainly an unforgettable place for the author - amazing how such a powerful impact can be made in 'twenty minutes of my life.'
Comment Written 31-Dec-2020
reply by the author on 04-Jan-2021
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Thank you very much. I appreciate you reading and reviewing my work. Stay safe and healthy in the new year.
Comment from Aiona
Mmm! Happy place. Very nice piece. I didn't see any grammatical errors. I know people say you gotta spell out numbers, but I think that's an archaic construction in a day and age when people read numbers as numbers every day. It takes one out of the story if one has to read "Hill One-Thousand-Ten." So I see no problem with leaving it as "Hill 1010." I too have "happy places" in my head. I wonder if I talk aloud when I remember them.....
reply by the author on 04-Jan-2021
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Mmm! Happy place. Very nice piece. I didn't see any grammatical errors. I know people say you gotta spell out numbers, but I think that's an archaic construction in a day and age when people read numbers as numbers every day. It takes one out of the story if one has to read "Hill One-Thousand-Ten." So I see no problem with leaving it as "Hill 1010." I too have "happy places" in my head. I wonder if I talk aloud when I remember them.....
Comment Written 31-Dec-2020
reply by the author on 04-Jan-2021
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Thank you very much. I appreciate the six stars and you reading and reviewing my work. Stay safe and healthy in the new year.
Comment from Dolly'sPoems
You brought the scene to my eyes, the beauty and now I am yearning to see this for myself. What a wonderful place to be stationed as a young man, I enjoyed your unique story bringing me such beauty, love Dolly x
reply by the author on 04-Jan-2021
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You brought the scene to my eyes, the beauty and now I am yearning to see this for myself. What a wonderful place to be stationed as a young man, I enjoyed your unique story bringing me such beauty, love Dolly x
Comment Written 31-Dec-2020
reply by the author on 04-Jan-2021
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Thank you very much Dolly. I appreciate you reading and reviewing my work. Stay safe and healthy in the new year.
Comment from Ric Myworld
I don't know about climbing high enough to enjoy the view, but you sure have made me wish I too could see that marvelous scenery once. Thanks for sharing. I wish I had a six.
reply by the author on 04-Jan-2021
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I don't know about climbing high enough to enjoy the view, but you sure have made me wish I too could see that marvelous scenery once. Thanks for sharing. I wish I had a six.
Comment Written 30-Dec-2020
reply by the author on 04-Jan-2021
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Thank you very much, it's the thought that counts I'll take a virtual six. I appreciate you reading and reviewing my work. Stay safe and healthy in the new year.
Comment from LisaMay
You described this place very well and I can see how it had an impact on you after toiling up that steep hill. I'm pleased the beauty of nature was revealed to you and your eyes were opened to how soothing it can be to appreciate lovely scenery.
Corrections:
The beaches were pure white bas (remove the b) freshly fallen snow.
without a cloud in it, listening to the Trade Winds rustling
(comma should either be a semi-colon or a full stop with new sentence beginning.)
reply by the author on 04-Jan-2021
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You described this place very well and I can see how it had an impact on you after toiling up that steep hill. I'm pleased the beauty of nature was revealed to you and your eyes were opened to how soothing it can be to appreciate lovely scenery.
Corrections:
The beaches were pure white bas (remove the b) freshly fallen snow.
without a cloud in it, listening to the Trade Winds rustling
(comma should either be a semi-colon or a full stop with new sentence beginning.)
Comment Written 30-Dec-2020
reply by the author on 04-Jan-2021
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Thank you very much. I appreciate you reading and reviewing my work. Stay safe and healthy in the new year.
Comment from Allezw2
Word canonly hint at such an eperience. Reminiscent of the hikes with my brother's BSA Troop104 from MissionHills, California. We had training hikes building to Silver Knapsack and the annual hundredmiler over Labor Day Weekend. One the kids always dreaded was Pine Mountain Lodge. It a little over a mile and half in length but well over a 100% grade. Each of the dozen boys and half-dozen adult leaders set their own pace ascending. My brother and I were the caboose and took packs from the kids who flat out floundered until they recovered, or we reached the top. Mind, these teenagers carried about thirty pounds: sleeping bag, clothes and part of their buddy tent with their share of food for the week. We weighed them before we left the church. The adult packs were closer to seventy pounds with our extra food, first aid kits, kitchen, and the snacks for the breaks in the day. As you said, some of the views were truly spectacular. Especially in the Sierras of California and the Rockies in Colorado and Wyoming. No one who hasn't climbed those trails can appreciate the silence with only a breeze riffling the leaves, or a mountain stream rippling down the course. Nicely done, memories for a lifetime indeed, Fantasist
reply by the author on 04-Jan-2021
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Word canonly hint at such an eperience. Reminiscent of the hikes with my brother's BSA Troop104 from MissionHills, California. We had training hikes building to Silver Knapsack and the annual hundredmiler over Labor Day Weekend. One the kids always dreaded was Pine Mountain Lodge. It a little over a mile and half in length but well over a 100% grade. Each of the dozen boys and half-dozen adult leaders set their own pace ascending. My brother and I were the caboose and took packs from the kids who flat out floundered until they recovered, or we reached the top. Mind, these teenagers carried about thirty pounds: sleeping bag, clothes and part of their buddy tent with their share of food for the week. We weighed them before we left the church. The adult packs were closer to seventy pounds with our extra food, first aid kits, kitchen, and the snacks for the breaks in the day. As you said, some of the views were truly spectacular. Especially in the Sierras of California and the Rockies in Colorado and Wyoming. No one who hasn't climbed those trails can appreciate the silence with only a breeze riffling the leaves, or a mountain stream rippling down the course. Nicely done, memories for a lifetime indeed, Fantasist
Comment Written 30-Dec-2020
reply by the author on 04-Jan-2021
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Thank you very much Fantasist. I'm an Eagle Scout which prepared me to be an infantryman in the Army. We hiked, camped and earned badges. I appreciate the six stars and you reading and reviewing my work. Stay safe and healthy in the new year.
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And yourself, also. You are so welcome. Fantasist
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One of the kicks when hiking with my brother was the wild life we saw. Once we walked up on a deer resting under a pine. The wind was toward us and we were about twenty feet away when it turned toward us. We froze and it turned away after a few seconds. When we continued on it heard us and scrambled up the slope and away. Another time in the winter, we walked along a road and saw a fully winter-brushed coyote walking along the road, looking down the downslope side and was almost on top of us while we watched it approach. It must have heard my camera. It turned its head, saw us, and exploded up the bank on the other side of the road and was making tracks across the meadow on top. In spring, we often ran into a lot of baby rattlers, ones about six inches long. They would jump like crazy, sensing us as we walked by. They had not shed a skin yet, so no rattles, only a button. A couple of times, I removed the liner from my quart Thermos and trapped one inside. We donated them to the mini zoo at Moorpark college, a community college in Simi Valley. It was always amazing to see how fluidly the adults could flow down a trail right in front of you when it wasn't close enough to sense you. It it was, it would either flee or coil in defense. If it was in the trail, we'd use our walking sticks to push it out of the way. Fantasist
