Joshua
an unusual story15 total reviews
Comment from Elizabeth Emerald
Touching story; skillfully told--narrator's resentment is masterfully conveyed--poignant revelation, powerful ending.
see him sitting relaxed in his seat everyday [EVERY DAY,] while his fate
reply by the author on 20-Dec-2020
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Touching story; skillfully told--narrator's resentment is masterfully conveyed--poignant revelation, powerful ending.
see him sitting relaxed in his seat everyday [EVERY DAY,] while his fate
Comment Written 18-Dec-2020
reply by the author on 20-Dec-2020
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Thank you very much. I appreciate your beautiful words.Thanks for the correction .
Comment from royowen
What an interesting story, my father tended to be a solitary man, he died when he was only 67, the last 6 months of his life, he was paralysed from the neck down, from a major stroke, but he'd call in to see me weekly, he was a gentle man, but like no. 14, he'd journey into town from time to time...by train, mum and dad were divorced when he was about 50. Your story reminds me of that. Well done, thanks for sharing, blessings Roy
reply by the author on 20-Dec-2020
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What an interesting story, my father tended to be a solitary man, he died when he was only 67, the last 6 months of his life, he was paralysed from the neck down, from a major stroke, but he'd call in to see me weekly, he was a gentle man, but like no. 14, he'd journey into town from time to time...by train, mum and dad were divorced when he was about 50. Your story reminds me of that. Well done, thanks for sharing, blessings Roy
Comment Written 17-Dec-2020
reply by the author on 20-Dec-2020
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Thank you very much for understanding the poignancy of the situation. how easy it is to assume about peoples behaviour.
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Most welcome
Comment from L. Kalere
What a lovely story ... I couldn't stop ready from the very beginning. Your style is so relaxed and pensive, it just pulled me in. I was going to enter the contest but decided not to, and I'm glad...I would have had to vote for yours instead of my own. Best of luck.
Linda
reply by the author on 20-Dec-2020
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What a lovely story ... I couldn't stop ready from the very beginning. Your style is so relaxed and pensive, it just pulled me in. I was going to enter the contest but decided not to, and I'm glad...I would have had to vote for yours instead of my own. Best of luck.
Linda
Comment Written 17-Dec-2020
reply by the author on 20-Dec-2020
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Thank you very much for this glittering stars. I am sorry for the delayed reply.When I heard this story from my friend,I thought I can share this in fanstory because loneliness is universal.Thanks once again for your great review.
Comment from C G Harris
I enjoyed this little tale very much. Difficult to categorise it other than to say that the narrative describes the type of incident that may well pique one's curiosity if found in the same position.
It is delightful in it's insularity, set as it is on a train and although not very much happens in terms of action one finds oneself also wanting to know how/why Mr. 14 always occupies that seat. The dialogue, which seemed very natural, reveals the truth behind the "mystery" and what might be a rather a sad state of affairs to us but which Mr. 14 seems to have accepted as is his means of dealing with his loss and getting on with life. it leaves you wondering how long he will continue..
Very well written.
reply by the author on 17-Dec-2020
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I enjoyed this little tale very much. Difficult to categorise it other than to say that the narrative describes the type of incident that may well pique one's curiosity if found in the same position.
It is delightful in it's insularity, set as it is on a train and although not very much happens in terms of action one finds oneself also wanting to know how/why Mr. 14 always occupies that seat. The dialogue, which seemed very natural, reveals the truth behind the "mystery" and what might be a rather a sad state of affairs to us but which Mr. 14 seems to have accepted as is his means of dealing with his loss and getting on with life. it leaves you wondering how long he will continue..
Very well written.
Comment Written 17-Dec-2020
reply by the author on 17-Dec-2020
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Exactly my thoughts when I heard of him from my friend .Thank you very much for reading this and writing this meaningful review.
Comment from greyson ernst
this is really good i think the contest ended but i dont know so if it did not good luck and as always keep writing and stay safe have a happy holiday
sincerely Greyson Ernst
reply by the author on 20-Dec-2020
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this is really good i think the contest ended but i dont know so if it did not good luck and as always keep writing and stay safe have a happy holiday
sincerely Greyson Ernst
Comment Written 16-Dec-2020
reply by the author on 20-Dec-2020
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Thank you very much fo your kind words.
Comment from Daniel Massey
thin and grey haired - I would have put thin, and grey-haired
No14, both ways while he hardly got to sit - I would have put a comma after ways and you missed a full stop
"What a relief" the comma should go before the speech mark
I almost everyday stand, till I come to Blue Star." Rakesh nodded. I think as well that you could delete almost everyday
Or what about "What a relief," Rakesh nodded. "I stand, till I come to Blue Star."
"One minute can you look after my seat? I will get my bag from Joshua."
"Ah! Mr 14"
"Mr 14?"
"The Permanent Occupant of seat no. 14".
He laughed.*(space) "Just a second"(. full stop inside) Red Shirt returned in a jiffy, as if he was afraid someone would grab his seat and put his backpack down and sat back with a sigh.
"And coming back? How does he manage it(ad?")
(Add " )The same way. He gets in from Church Park half an hour early.. (add.")
"But the train reaches Church Park Only by 12. And the return journey starts at 4 30(delete"). What kind of work does he do?" There needs to be a space when another character starts speaking. My mind becomes warp sometimes reading other people's work, such as yours. I often wonder if I'm pulling it too far apart. I hope what I've suggested helps?
reply by the author on 16-Dec-2020
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thin and grey haired - I would have put thin, and grey-haired
No14, both ways while he hardly got to sit - I would have put a comma after ways and you missed a full stop
"What a relief" the comma should go before the speech mark
I almost everyday stand, till I come to Blue Star." Rakesh nodded. I think as well that you could delete almost everyday
Or what about "What a relief," Rakesh nodded. "I stand, till I come to Blue Star."
"One minute can you look after my seat? I will get my bag from Joshua."
"Ah! Mr 14"
"Mr 14?"
"The Permanent Occupant of seat no. 14".
He laughed.*(space) "Just a second"(. full stop inside) Red Shirt returned in a jiffy, as if he was afraid someone would grab his seat and put his backpack down and sat back with a sigh.
"And coming back? How does he manage it(ad?")
(Add " )The same way. He gets in from Church Park half an hour early.. (add.")
"But the train reaches Church Park Only by 12. And the return journey starts at 4 30(delete"). What kind of work does he do?" There needs to be a space when another character starts speaking. My mind becomes warp sometimes reading other people's work, such as yours. I often wonder if I'm pulling it too far apart. I hope what I've suggested helps?
Comment Written 16-Dec-2020
reply by the author on 16-Dec-2020
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I appreciate the comments and suggestions .Placing the periods and the inverted commas is a bane of my life .That is the reason why I rarely write prose .I stick to little poems (Smile). This may be because while I was working I never had to use computer and I never leaned to type .I write my stories in hand ,then type it into Word and make all kinds of goof ups while posting....I admire your patience in writing such a long review...4 So it is fine.stars means 'good' .
Comment from Jay Squires
Sanku, I don't understand why you spent so much time writing this story, only to leave it poorly spaced. You should always space between paragraphs. You'll discover you'll get twice the number of readers by that one strategy. If it were any longer, I'd not have undertaken it.
Here are a few things I noticed as I read. Please take them and your rating for this piece in the manner in which it was intended.
he always grabbed the same seat, No14, both ways while he hardly gets to sit . [mixed tenses: "while he hardly GOT to sit.]
"What a relief", [Comma goes inside the close-quote.]
"Just a second". [In the interest of time, I won't point this out again. Punctuation always goes inside the quote. I've noticed sometimes you put the punctuation inside the quote, but almost invariably, put it outside as well: eg., a question mark inside the quote, a period outside.]
Good luck with your writing. I can see you enjoy entertaining people with your writing. That's a good thing.
You'll note I removed a star from your rating. It's only temporary. As soon as you make the needed corrections and let me know, I shall return it to you.
reply by the author on 15-Dec-2020
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Sanku, I don't understand why you spent so much time writing this story, only to leave it poorly spaced. You should always space between paragraphs. You'll discover you'll get twice the number of readers by that one strategy. If it were any longer, I'd not have undertaken it.
Here are a few things I noticed as I read. Please take them and your rating for this piece in the manner in which it was intended.
he always grabbed the same seat, No14, both ways while he hardly gets to sit . [mixed tenses: "while he hardly GOT to sit.]
"What a relief", [Comma goes inside the close-quote.]
"Just a second". [In the interest of time, I won't point this out again. Punctuation always goes inside the quote. I've noticed sometimes you put the punctuation inside the quote, but almost invariably, put it outside as well: eg., a question mark inside the quote, a period outside.]
Good luck with your writing. I can see you enjoy entertaining people with your writing. That's a good thing.
You'll note I removed a star from your rating. It's only temporary. As soon as you make the needed corrections and let me know, I shall return it to you.
Comment Written 15-Dec-2020
reply by the author on 15-Dec-2020
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Thank you very much for taking time to write such a long review. I made some corrections and put space between paragraphs. I dont write much ,mainly short poems because of sheer lack of time.I look after my 87 year old mother who is totally dependant.Fan story is almost an escape for me. I will try to correct those .I have no problems with the rating .I am touched that you wrote this long reply.If you can you can tell me what you thought of the theme and the way i handled it that would be great ..Thanks once again I will really concentrate on punctuation from now on..Santha.
Comment from RetroStarfish
This is a great, poignant story. And the story structure works nicely with the narrator at first peeved and curious. There are some nice turns of phrase, too: "It irked Rakesh to see him sitting relaxed in his seat everyday while his fate was to hang on to the strap one whole hour and a half ..."
Yet the story is also surprisingly filled with errors which made me stop and reread sentences, such as this one: "He addressed many of them by their first names." Who? I had to reread the previous paragraph to realize you were talking about other passengers. And here you have switched tenses in the middle of a sentence: "...he always grabbed the same seat, No14, both ways while he hardly gets to sit."
And even the final sentence, which should have more attention, is grammatically incorrect. Just a little off putting after what could have been an excellent story.
reply by the author on 16-Dec-2020
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This is a great, poignant story. And the story structure works nicely with the narrator at first peeved and curious. There are some nice turns of phrase, too: "It irked Rakesh to see him sitting relaxed in his seat everyday while his fate was to hang on to the strap one whole hour and a half ..."
Yet the story is also surprisingly filled with errors which made me stop and reread sentences, such as this one: "He addressed many of them by their first names." Who? I had to reread the previous paragraph to realize you were talking about other passengers. And here you have switched tenses in the middle of a sentence: "...he always grabbed the same seat, No14, both ways while he hardly gets to sit."
And even the final sentence, which should have more attention, is grammatically incorrect. Just a little off putting after what could have been an excellent story.
Comment Written 15-Dec-2020
reply by the author on 16-Dec-2020
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Thank you very much for writing such a long review .Thank you for saying that it isa poignant story.Placing the periods and inverted commas has always been so much of a problem that I shy away from writing prose .I usually stick to Haikus and Senryus etc...Thanks a lot for pointing these out.
Comment from estory
I like this idea of looking in on a life through this narrow window, this glimpse of him sitting on the train every day. It really captures all the moments we all have had in similar circumstances, watching people around us on the train who we don't know except for their clothes and where they get on and off. Gradually the portrait of a lonely man, left behind by his children who have emigrated, emerges. You did it all through the perspective of the descriptions of the man from across the aisle, and this conversation between two commuters. We view the old man from such a distance, and his condition becomes all the more poignant as a result. Even more so because at the beginning, the narrator doesn't like him for stealing a comfortable seat on the train. There's this terrific contrast between what we see on the outside, and what is going on on the inside. estory
reply by the author on 15-Dec-2020
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I like this idea of looking in on a life through this narrow window, this glimpse of him sitting on the train every day. It really captures all the moments we all have had in similar circumstances, watching people around us on the train who we don't know except for their clothes and where they get on and off. Gradually the portrait of a lonely man, left behind by his children who have emigrated, emerges. You did it all through the perspective of the descriptions of the man from across the aisle, and this conversation between two commuters. We view the old man from such a distance, and his condition becomes all the more poignant as a result. Even more so because at the beginning, the narrator doesn't like him for stealing a comfortable seat on the train. There's this terrific contrast between what we see on the outside, and what is going on on the inside. estory
Comment Written 15-Dec-2020
reply by the author on 15-Dec-2020
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Thank you very much for this review. You have caught exactly what I hoped the reader would catch and I was wondering if I had it in me to convey that effect.Thank you very much for the glittering stars and more for the words you have written.Thanks once more.
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I would like to give the reviewers vote ,which I forgot to do
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Thanks for the vote, I do my best to try and give people my perspective estory
Comment from kmoss
Interesting subject. I found paragraphs two and three a little repetitive, about me.14 choosing the seat and the dislike for him. I think those paragraphs could be shortened and combined. The story repeats twice, possibly a copy and paste error.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 16-Dec-2020
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Interesting subject. I found paragraphs two and three a little repetitive, about me.14 choosing the seat and the dislike for him. I think those paragraphs could be shortened and combined. The story repeats twice, possibly a copy and paste error.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 15-Dec-2020
reply by the author on 16-Dec-2020
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Thank you very much. I have taken of the extra paragraph.
