Another Life
Viewing comments for Chapter 25 "Squires and Mermaids"American Isekai
9 total reviews
Comment from Liz O'Neill
Good use of the literary technique of metaphor. It's interesting how Paul figured out the money system This was a good approach to use to draw the reader in. This juxtaposition is great: "Algar rolled his eyes. "You know our fearless leader. There are things he knows but shouldn't and --" Together they sang, "Things he should know but doesn't."
reply by the author on 15-Apr-2021
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Good use of the literary technique of metaphor. It's interesting how Paul figured out the money system This was a good approach to use to draw the reader in. This juxtaposition is great: "Algar rolled his eyes. "You know our fearless leader. There are things he knows but shouldn't and --" Together they sang, "Things he should know but doesn't."
Comment Written 15-Apr-2021
reply by the author on 15-Apr-2021
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Thank you, Liz. You're really moving.
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I went beyond my chapter goal last night...beyond my sleeping hour...I had to know... this is good
Comment from greyson ernst
i really like it i have no suggestions i may have just joined fanstory and i love it. i hope you keep righting good luck and keep righting and stay safe
sincerely Greyson Ernst
reply by the author on 29-Nov-2020
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i really like it i have no suggestions i may have just joined fanstory and i love it. i hope you keep righting good luck and keep righting and stay safe
sincerely Greyson Ernst
Comment Written 28-Nov-2020
reply by the author on 29-Nov-2020
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Thank you so much.
Comment from judiverse
These guys will probably have hero status in the eyes of the women, especially if they have money to flash around. They need to be careful, though, because they don't know how much their next allotment will be. It seems that Paul could use some extra bathing, without Crista, if he doesn't want to offend Lecher. Paul is acting like an old married man already, thinking about having his own home. It's terrible how the women were treated, but women in Europe and the colonies weren't treated much better as they couldn't own property or vote. In Victorian England husbands didn't even want their wives to read the newspapers.
In some Muslim countries today women can't go anywhere without a male relative as escort. Great development of your story. I was surprised by the name Mermaids for these women. There doesn't seem to be any bodies of water around. judi
reply by the author on 27-Nov-2020
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These guys will probably have hero status in the eyes of the women, especially if they have money to flash around. They need to be careful, though, because they don't know how much their next allotment will be. It seems that Paul could use some extra bathing, without Crista, if he doesn't want to offend Lecher. Paul is acting like an old married man already, thinking about having his own home. It's terrible how the women were treated, but women in Europe and the colonies weren't treated much better as they couldn't own property or vote. In Victorian England husbands didn't even want their wives to read the newspapers.
In some Muslim countries today women can't go anywhere without a male relative as escort. Great development of your story. I was surprised by the name Mermaids for these women. There doesn't seem to be any bodies of water around. judi
Comment Written 27-Nov-2020
reply by the author on 27-Nov-2020
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They are called mermaids because they are women who work in the water all day. Over the centuries the real definition of mermaids has been lost and altered.
Thank you, Judi.
Comment from Suzanna Ray
Dear lancellot, The purpose of your title was made clear as this story progressed. What bothers me most is that Paul has chosen to spend his money on a house, and he is soon to be sent away to do the Duke's bidding. What then can Crista do, except carry a note of permission; that can be taken away from her in a flash, and leave her helpless and enslaved to another. Or have you another twist in mind?
reply by the author on 27-Nov-2020
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Dear lancellot, The purpose of your title was made clear as this story progressed. What bothers me most is that Paul has chosen to spend his money on a house, and he is soon to be sent away to do the Duke's bidding. What then can Crista do, except carry a note of permission; that can be taken away from her in a flash, and leave her helpless and enslaved to another. Or have you another twist in mind?
Comment Written 27-Nov-2020
reply by the author on 27-Nov-2020
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He needs a house of his own to marry her. He said he will take her weight, and to free her from being a slave he has to officially marry her. But, he has to have his own home and job first. In Valeria you must show you can provide for a wife first. He can't do that living with his parents.
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She could stay with his parents. at least a man in the house and a citizen , if I remember correctly!
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It is a strange system. More about it is revealed as the story progresses. Right now, yes she can stay with Dominic and Rosetta, as she currently is, and she can live with Paul, if he moves, but she will still be a slave, unless Paul dies or he officially marries her. Those are the only ways to free her. Dominic went over that with Paul a few chapters back. For a commoner to officially marry, he must have his own home or land and have a job.
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It is a strange system. More about it is revealed as the story progresses. Right now, yes she can stay with Dominic and Rosetta, as she currently is, and she can live with Paul, if he moves, but she will still be a slave, unless Paul dies or he officially marries her. Those are the only ways to free her. Dominic went over that with Paul a few chapters back. For a commoner to officially marry, he must have his own home or land and have a job.
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It is a strange system. More about it is revealed as the story progresses. Right now, yes she can stay with Dominic and Rosetta, as she currently is, and she can live with Paul, if he moves, but she will still be a slave, unless Paul dies or he officially marries her. Those are the only ways to free her. Dominic went over that with Paul a few chapters back. For a commoner to officially marry, he must have his own home or land and have a job.
Comment from barbara.wilkey
Having been a military spouse for 23 years and still living near a military base, you are correct. Only they'd also get a tat on their way to get new cloths. I enjoyed reading.
reply by the author on 27-Nov-2020
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Having been a military spouse for 23 years and still living near a military base, you are correct. Only they'd also get a tat on their way to get new cloths. I enjoyed reading.
Comment Written 27-Nov-2020
reply by the author on 27-Nov-2020
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Thank you very much.
Comment from Alcreator Litt Dear
I like and have enjoyed this fantasy fiction speaks getting the job done at the requisite perks, and expresses through a realistic taletelling, fostered with orderly and skimmed plot development and dialogues as ends with a curious ending; well said, well done; thanks for sharing this. ALCREATOR
reply by the author on 27-Nov-2020
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I like and have enjoyed this fantasy fiction speaks getting the job done at the requisite perks, and expresses through a realistic taletelling, fostered with orderly and skimmed plot development and dialogues as ends with a curious ending; well said, well done; thanks for sharing this. ALCREATOR
Comment Written 27-Nov-2020
reply by the author on 27-Nov-2020
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Thank you very much.
Comment from Simonsez
First off, points for realism. Young men elevated to anything close to heroic status would definitely use that newfound privilege to score them some points with the ladies :D. Overall, it's well-written. It flows well from one event to the next. I saw a couple sentences that tripped me up, such as: "Squires are not slaves, but not by much," where it feels more natural to me to say "Squires are better than slaves, but not by much," and "Crista was much smaller than Rosetta, and lacked Rosetta's exotic curves," where replacing the second usage with "Her" makes sense to me.
There were a couple places where I thought there should be commas, as well, such as the sentence "He occasionally tickled the woman's toes(,) making her squeal." My final comment is that towards the end, Algar says something like "Compensated for freely given services," but he should probably just say "Compensated for services," since you implicitly wouldn't pay for something freely given.
I hope you found this helpful in some fashion, and that you made it to the bottom without falling asleep :)
reply by the author on 27-Nov-2020
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First off, points for realism. Young men elevated to anything close to heroic status would definitely use that newfound privilege to score them some points with the ladies :D. Overall, it's well-written. It flows well from one event to the next. I saw a couple sentences that tripped me up, such as: "Squires are not slaves, but not by much," where it feels more natural to me to say "Squires are better than slaves, but not by much," and "Crista was much smaller than Rosetta, and lacked Rosetta's exotic curves," where replacing the second usage with "Her" makes sense to me.
There were a couple places where I thought there should be commas, as well, such as the sentence "He occasionally tickled the woman's toes(,) making her squeal." My final comment is that towards the end, Algar says something like "Compensated for freely given services," but he should probably just say "Compensated for services," since you implicitly wouldn't pay for something freely given.
I hope you found this helpful in some fashion, and that you made it to the bottom without falling asleep :)
Comment Written 27-Nov-2020
reply by the author on 27-Nov-2020
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Thank you very much.
Comment from Jay Squires
Good character development in this chapter.
I'll see my family when we're off duty and can get back here. [I hope I'm not being dense, but what does "back here" refer to? Should it be "back there."? The only think I can get to equate with "back here" is the bathhouse, and I don't think you mean that.
shouldn't and --." [Don't put punctuation after an em dash. Just the closed quote.]
I love your disclaimer in the Author notes.
reply by the author on 26-Nov-2020
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Good character development in this chapter.
I'll see my family when we're off duty and can get back here. [I hope I'm not being dense, but what does "back here" refer to? Should it be "back there."? The only think I can get to equate with "back here" is the bathhouse, and I don't think you mean that.
shouldn't and --." [Don't put punctuation after an em dash. Just the closed quote.]
I love your disclaimer in the Author notes.
Comment Written 26-Nov-2020
reply by the author on 26-Nov-2020
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Thank you. Back here refers to the city of Florence. The Earl's estate is not in or near the city.
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But aren't they training at the Earl's estate? Wouldn't they, then, be going back there (to Florence)? Or is the bathhouse in Florence? Honestly, I'm not trying to be nitpicky. Just trying to understand.
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No, they are in front of city hall in Florence. The counted their money inside, in the adventures' lounge.
Comment from Elizabeth Emerald
Masterfully narrated--superb monologue/dialog Point taken re note!
Crista would be alone taking care of the household chores[comma] as (or replace AS with BECAUSE) Rosetta had resumed working.
reply by the author on 26-Nov-2020
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Masterfully narrated--superb monologue/dialog Point taken re note!
Crista would be alone taking care of the household chores[comma] as (or replace AS with BECAUSE) Rosetta had resumed working.
Comment Written 26-Nov-2020
reply by the author on 26-Nov-2020
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Thank you very much.
