Bingo Vivian
Playing Bingo with Vivian18 total reviews
Comment from LisaMay
Apart from noticing a few punctuation marks missing, such as commas and full stops in dialogue, i found this a highly entertaining piece. I cringed at the raucous outbursts from Vivian, oblivious to her impact on others. You portrayed her character through description very well, and set the scene skillfully with the other characters.
(Thanks for the notes as it was unfamiliar territory to me.)
reply by the author on 17-Nov-2020
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Apart from noticing a few punctuation marks missing, such as commas and full stops in dialogue, i found this a highly entertaining piece. I cringed at the raucous outbursts from Vivian, oblivious to her impact on others. You portrayed her character through description very well, and set the scene skillfully with the other characters.
(Thanks for the notes as it was unfamiliar territory to me.)
Comment Written 17-Nov-2020
reply by the author on 17-Nov-2020
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Thank you LisaMay I appreciate your review and kind comments.
Regards
Mary
Comment from robyn corum
Mary,
I really enjoy these stories of a cranky, unique lady. *smile* And you tell these stories well, allowing the story to unfold so that we SEE Vivian in all of her glory, rather than having you TELL us what she was like. Kudos!
Notes:
1.) The font is small - you might consider enlarging it
2.) "(C)an't go until I take my medsin."
3.) her oversized orange pocketbook. "(W)adda ya waiting for? Let's go."
--> always start dialogue with a cap
4.) Each of these women had a dozen cards each in front of them.
--> delete the second 'each'
5.) "(Y)a going too fast. Slow down."
6.) "N17."
--> nope. haha
--> I haven't played in a LONG time, but I still know that each column has certain numbers -
--> B has 1-15
--> I has 16-30
--> N has 31-45
--> G has 46-60
--> O has 61-75
(15 in each increment)
--> check the rest in the story - I thought I saw one more wrong one?
7.) "Will you shut up or get the hell out of here(!)" (=yelling)
8.) "Well(,) he's going too fast(!)" she yelled back
9.) "I am just funning(.)" Vivian laughing at her own inner joke, let out a loud (chuckle) that hung across the room like a mushroom cloud.
--> to avoid 'laugh' x2
10.) "How about a beer(?)"
I really enjoyed this and hope to see more Vivian stories - you do this really well. Please let me know when you edit and I'll pop back over. Thanks for the smile!
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The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 20-Nov-2020
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Mary,
I really enjoy these stories of a cranky, unique lady. *smile* And you tell these stories well, allowing the story to unfold so that we SEE Vivian in all of her glory, rather than having you TELL us what she was like. Kudos!
Notes:
1.) The font is small - you might consider enlarging it
2.) "(C)an't go until I take my medsin."
3.) her oversized orange pocketbook. "(W)adda ya waiting for? Let's go."
--> always start dialogue with a cap
4.) Each of these women had a dozen cards each in front of them.
--> delete the second 'each'
5.) "(Y)a going too fast. Slow down."
6.) "N17."
--> nope. haha
--> I haven't played in a LONG time, but I still know that each column has certain numbers -
--> B has 1-15
--> I has 16-30
--> N has 31-45
--> G has 46-60
--> O has 61-75
(15 in each increment)
--> check the rest in the story - I thought I saw one more wrong one?
7.) "Will you shut up or get the hell out of here(!)" (=yelling)
8.) "Well(,) he's going too fast(!)" she yelled back
9.) "I am just funning(.)" Vivian laughing at her own inner joke, let out a loud (chuckle) that hung across the room like a mushroom cloud.
--> to avoid 'laugh' x2
10.) "How about a beer(?)"
I really enjoyed this and hope to see more Vivian stories - you do this really well. Please let me know when you edit and I'll pop back over. Thanks for the smile!
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 17-Nov-2020
reply by the author on 20-Nov-2020
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I fixed grammar. Tried to fix font but mostly in bed with back issues and cannot sit at computer
I tried but could not sit up.will try again tomorrow. I should have waited until I felt better. Using phone.
Comment from thaities, Rebecca V.
This is a grand and enjoyable post. I can see Vivian playing Bingo, wearing her bright orange pantsuit, and hear her dialogue! Your ability to write is marvelous. Wonderful!
reply by the author on 17-Nov-2020
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This is a grand and enjoyable post. I can see Vivian playing Bingo, wearing her bright orange pantsuit, and hear her dialogue! Your ability to write is marvelous. Wonderful!
Comment Written 17-Nov-2020
reply by the author on 17-Nov-2020
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Thank you Rrbecca for your review and kind comments.
Regards
Mary
Comment from Cass Carlton
For a first attempt this is VERY good indeed. Anyone who bingos will be aware of a Vivian in their life. They will be aware of the annoying voice, the loud laugh, the clouds of cigarette smoke billowing around her. You do have a nifty knack for describing people with phrases like ' a laugh that hung across the room like a mushroom cloud".The introductory description of Vivian is enough to indicate what sort of person she is, and you don't disappoint, at all. Keep writing, there are many more "Vivians" out there to feed your busy, talented pen. cheers Cass
reply by the author on 17-Nov-2020
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For a first attempt this is VERY good indeed. Anyone who bingos will be aware of a Vivian in their life. They will be aware of the annoying voice, the loud laugh, the clouds of cigarette smoke billowing around her. You do have a nifty knack for describing people with phrases like ' a laugh that hung across the room like a mushroom cloud".The introductory description of Vivian is enough to indicate what sort of person she is, and you don't disappoint, at all. Keep writing, there are many more "Vivians" out there to feed your busy, talented pen. cheers Cass
Comment Written 17-Nov-2020
reply by the author on 17-Nov-2020
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Thank you for your kind comments and review.
Mary
Comment from Rx kingpen
Lol. This was cute, humorous. Probably funnier to those who know what it's like in a bingo hall. Lol
Although I've never been to one where they served beer. But you might have. Or else, poetic license?
Regardless, it properly portrays the acute sensitivity of bi go hall politics or protocol, I should say. Good stuff.
reply by the author on 17-Nov-2020
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Lol. This was cute, humorous. Probably funnier to those who know what it's like in a bingo hall. Lol
Although I've never been to one where they served beer. But you might have. Or else, poetic license?
Regardless, it properly portrays the acute sensitivity of bi go hall politics or protocol, I should say. Good stuff.
Comment Written 17-Nov-2020
reply by the author on 17-Nov-2020
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It been years since I been to aVF W but I do remember beer being served. Thank you for your comments and review
Mary
Comment from Wendy G
Enjoyed this piece of writing! It sounds like a scene in a movie, so you have obviously caught my imagination with realistic characters. Good work, and best wishes.
reply by the author on 16-Nov-2020
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Enjoyed this piece of writing! It sounds like a scene in a movie, so you have obviously caught my imagination with realistic characters. Good work, and best wishes.
Comment Written 16-Nov-2020
reply by the author on 16-Nov-2020
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Thank you Wendy for your review and kind comments.
Mary
Comment from Elizabeth Emerald
Another delightful evening with Vivian--keep 'em coming!
You're going to [too] fast
I abandoned my own cards to help Vivian [comma] which lightened her mood.
lets [let's] go get a beer
... chair fell to the floor with a loud bang [comma, the] sound shuddering across the entire room.
reply by the author on 16-Nov-2020
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Another delightful evening with Vivian--keep 'em coming!
You're going to [too] fast
I abandoned my own cards to help Vivian [comma] which lightened her mood.
lets [let's] go get a beer
... chair fell to the floor with a loud bang [comma, the] sound shuddering across the entire room.
Comment Written 16-Nov-2020
reply by the author on 16-Nov-2020
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Thank you for not only the review and kind comments but the corrections. I truly appreciate it
Mary
Comment from lyenochka
What a riot. I love your characterization. The description of Vivian and the tablemates were very well done. It's good that you had a real life character to based this story on. Great job!
Some minor nits about the writing of dialogue:
"Wadda ya doing." You're going to fast" (remove the middle quotes and add a punctuation before the last one. Also it should be "too")
I ain't leaving. (close quotes needed)
"I am just funning" Vivian laughing
Suggest: "I am just funning," said Vivian, laughing
"Vivian lets go get a beer." (let's)
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The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 16-Nov-2020
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What a riot. I love your characterization. The description of Vivian and the tablemates were very well done. It's good that you had a real life character to based this story on. Great job!
Some minor nits about the writing of dialogue:
"Wadda ya doing." You're going to fast" (remove the middle quotes and add a punctuation before the last one. Also it should be "too")
I ain't leaving. (close quotes needed)
"I am just funning" Vivian laughing
Suggest: "I am just funning," said Vivian, laughing
"Vivian lets go get a beer." (let's)
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 16-Nov-2020
reply by the author on 16-Nov-2020
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thank you for your review and help. I appreciate it.
