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Viewing comments for Chapter 20 "The Swamp"With their call stalled, Liz & Linda begin walking
11 total reviews
Comment from Michael Ludwinder
I thought this was an enjoyable chapter. I liked watching this through the eyes of Liz. I could feel her sense of awe and was enjoying the journey with her. Great chapter.
reply by the author on 22-Nov-2020
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I thought this was an enjoyable chapter. I liked watching this through the eyes of Liz. I could feel her sense of awe and was enjoying the journey with her. Great chapter.
Comment Written 22-Nov-2020
reply by the author on 22-Nov-2020
Thank you for your enthusiastic review. I'm glad you enjoyed it.
Comment from James Crofoot1
Love native american stuff. loved the turtle myth, quite common really. It's a little choppy, try combining more sentences. great idea with the branches.
Didn't see any spelling problems
ok peace
reply by the author on 21-Nov-2020
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Love native american stuff. loved the turtle myth, quite common really. It's a little choppy, try combining more sentences. great idea with the branches.
Didn't see any spelling problems
ok peace
Comment Written 21-Nov-2020
reply by the author on 21-Nov-2020
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Thank you for your enthusiastic review. I'm glad you enjoyed it. You would be interested in my ch. 1-13 which you can find in my portfolio. It is about us rescuing 10 Native American teens from a trafficking operation. No review is necessary. Just enjoy.
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ok Thanks, I'll have to check it out
Comment from Wendy G
I found this very interesting, and well written. I don't know what the rest of the book is about but this one chapter made me want to know more about the before and after.
reply by the author on 21-Nov-2020
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I found this very interesting, and well written. I don't know what the rest of the book is about but this one chapter made me want to know more about the before and after.
Comment Written 21-Nov-2020
reply by the author on 21-Nov-2020
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Thank you for your enthusiastic review. I'm glad you enjoyed it. You would be interested in my ch. 1-13 which you can find in my portfolio. It is about us rescuing 10 Native American teens from a trafficking operation. No review is necessary. Just enjoy.
Comment from Brett Matthew West
Linda grabbed her nose her? Seems to be missing something there.
A giant Tortoise - Tortoise does not need to be capitalised
Close enough hear should be close enough to hear
Should be a space between school,playfully
Interesting story.
Good to have helpful friends in times of need.
My reviews are mere suggestions. Feel free to use anything that provides assistance and/or chuck the whole shebang.
reply by the author on 18-Nov-2020
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Linda grabbed her nose her? Seems to be missing something there.
A giant Tortoise - Tortoise does not need to be capitalised
Close enough hear should be close enough to hear
Should be a space between school,playfully
Interesting story.
Good to have helpful friends in times of need.
My reviews are mere suggestions. Feel free to use anything that provides assistance and/or chuck the whole shebang.
Comment Written 18-Nov-2020
reply by the author on 18-Nov-2020
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Thank you for your supportive review. I'm glad you saw those issues.
Comment from robyn corum
Liz,
Wow. That was a little scary. I know the incident didn't pose a lot of threat to Liz since she had a companion with her, but I can see how the loss of that shoe could have been a big problem as they have to walk through this area. Nice job getting her to safety in a believable way.
I also like the way these girls communicate with each other - reply on each other. It does seem realistic and true-to-life.
Notes, if I may:
1.) "Ew, what's that foul(,) putrid smell?" Linda grabbed her nose her
--> seems to be an issue with the end of this sentence? Not finished?
2.) They were close enough (to) hear a chorus of frogs. "We are in a swamp(.)" Linda shook the first sight of mud from her shoe."
--> also, delete that quote mark at the end after 'shoe'
3.) Linda looked at what surrounded her feet(.) "I wonder how deep this stuff is?"
--> that's an action, not a speech tag
--> consider: Linda examined the muck surrounding her feet. (Or similar - for a bit more detail)
4.) Liz hesitated(.) I hope I haven't made a big mistake
5.) "Yes." striking the air with her fist.
--> "Yes!" she said, striking the air with her fist.
6.) Upon inspection, (she said,) "It looks like a turtle.
7.) A giant (t)ortoise came out of the water and offered its shell for their home."
--> if this is the same girl speaking from the previous paragraph, leave off the quote mark at the end of that previous paragraph (after 'Island' - keep the quote mark at the beginning of the SECOND paragraph, where she's still talking. (right before she says, 'The way'...)
--> this is always the way to punctuate dialogue that continues for extra paragraphs.
--> also, you have me wondering where those 'land' animals were - they must have been in the water, right? So they weren't yet 'land' animals. Perhaps you could say some of the water animals didn't like it and wanted a different option or something
--> and- when you say (A giant tortoise came out of the water) you seem to imply that he came UP onto something - which would have to be land, right? Perhaps just say he ROSE up out of the water? So that way he becomes his own island?
8.) Her "Oooof" caught Linda's attention to (encourage her to stabilize) her own foothold.
--> no period/and no x space after 'ooof'
9.) When she looked down she was discouraged to discover a bare/foot.
10.) Dragging the bows, she explained her plan.
--> tree 'boughs'?
11.) kept the walking sticks we used for climbing that steep hill to get the berries.(")
12.) when they stepped onto the all too familiar foggy road.
--> if that road ran alongside them the whole time why didn't they just stay on it?
13.) I don't know if I have given thisto you before, but the following is my very, very fav site to help with punctuating dialogue. I have it bookmarked in my browser so I can find it easy for quick checks AND so that I'm able to pass it on - like this - quickly and easily.
http://theeditorsblog.net/2010/12/08/punctuation-in-dialogue/
Looks like you've got these girls facing a lot of dangers on their way - *smile* Nice!
Please let me know if you decide to edit. Thanks for the trip andgood luck!
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 18-Nov-2020
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Liz,
Wow. That was a little scary. I know the incident didn't pose a lot of threat to Liz since she had a companion with her, but I can see how the loss of that shoe could have been a big problem as they have to walk through this area. Nice job getting her to safety in a believable way.
I also like the way these girls communicate with each other - reply on each other. It does seem realistic and true-to-life.
Notes, if I may:
1.) "Ew, what's that foul(,) putrid smell?" Linda grabbed her nose her
--> seems to be an issue with the end of this sentence? Not finished?
2.) They were close enough (to) hear a chorus of frogs. "We are in a swamp(.)" Linda shook the first sight of mud from her shoe."
--> also, delete that quote mark at the end after 'shoe'
3.) Linda looked at what surrounded her feet(.) "I wonder how deep this stuff is?"
--> that's an action, not a speech tag
--> consider: Linda examined the muck surrounding her feet. (Or similar - for a bit more detail)
4.) Liz hesitated(.) I hope I haven't made a big mistake
5.) "Yes." striking the air with her fist.
--> "Yes!" she said, striking the air with her fist.
6.) Upon inspection, (she said,) "It looks like a turtle.
7.) A giant (t)ortoise came out of the water and offered its shell for their home."
--> if this is the same girl speaking from the previous paragraph, leave off the quote mark at the end of that previous paragraph (after 'Island' - keep the quote mark at the beginning of the SECOND paragraph, where she's still talking. (right before she says, 'The way'...)
--> this is always the way to punctuate dialogue that continues for extra paragraphs.
--> also, you have me wondering where those 'land' animals were - they must have been in the water, right? So they weren't yet 'land' animals. Perhaps you could say some of the water animals didn't like it and wanted a different option or something
--> and- when you say (A giant tortoise came out of the water) you seem to imply that he came UP onto something - which would have to be land, right? Perhaps just say he ROSE up out of the water? So that way he becomes his own island?
8.) Her "Oooof" caught Linda's attention to (encourage her to stabilize) her own foothold.
--> no period/and no x space after 'ooof'
9.) When she looked down she was discouraged to discover a bare/foot.
10.) Dragging the bows, she explained her plan.
--> tree 'boughs'?
11.) kept the walking sticks we used for climbing that steep hill to get the berries.(")
12.) when they stepped onto the all too familiar foggy road.
--> if that road ran alongside them the whole time why didn't they just stay on it?
13.) I don't know if I have given thisto you before, but the following is my very, very fav site to help with punctuating dialogue. I have it bookmarked in my browser so I can find it easy for quick checks AND so that I'm able to pass it on - like this - quickly and easily.
http://theeditorsblog.net/2010/12/08/punctuation-in-dialogue/
Looks like you've got these girls facing a lot of dangers on their way - *smile* Nice!
Please let me know if you decide to edit. Thanks for the trip andgood luck!
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 18-Nov-2020
reply by the author on 18-Nov-2020
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Thank you for your supportive review. I'm glad you saw those issues. I will be refining this. Thank you for the link, also. I'm glad you are enjoying the series.
Comment from AnnieDawn
Well written with strong characters and a good description of the situations. I enjoyed reading your story. Just one suggestion for help.
"Ew, what's that foul putrid smell?" Linda grabbed her nose her (somehow there ended up with an extra word at the end of this sentence)
reply by the author on 18-Nov-2020
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Well written with strong characters and a good description of the situations. I enjoyed reading your story. Just one suggestion for help.
"Ew, what's that foul putrid smell?" Linda grabbed her nose her (somehow there ended up with an extra word at the end of this sentence)
Comment Written 18-Nov-2020
reply by the author on 18-Nov-2020
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Thank you for your supportive review. I'm glad you saw that issue. I'm glad you enjoyed it.
Comment from Colin John
Hi Liz, very nicely written and a great storyline to follow about the swamp crossing, can't say we have any over here, thanks for sharing kind regards Colin x
reply by the author on 16-Nov-2020
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Hi Liz, very nicely written and a great storyline to follow about the swamp crossing, can't say we have any over here, thanks for sharing kind regards Colin x
Comment Written 16-Nov-2020
reply by the author on 16-Nov-2020
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Thank you for enthusiastic review. I wrote from my exposure to such a swamp. We walked on some wide boards, but were cautioned as to what was there. It was similar to quick sand. Kind of scary.
Comment from aryr
A great continuation chapter Liz. It was rather terrifying when Liz slipped and became bog bound. I think part of that was due to the fact that she was remembering when she was much younger and slipped in the snow. She was truly blessed to have Linda with her, who presented a calmness and a great deal of wisdom. Well done.
reply by the author on 16-Nov-2020
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A great continuation chapter Liz. It was rather terrifying when Liz slipped and became bog bound. I think part of that was due to the fact that she was remembering when she was much younger and slipped in the snow. She was truly blessed to have Linda with her, who presented a calmness and a great deal of wisdom. Well done.
Comment Written 16-Nov-2020
reply by the author on 16-Nov-2020
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Thank you for enthusiastic review. I wrote from my exposure to such a swamp. We walked on some wide boards, but were cautioned as to what was there. It was similar to quick sand. Kind of scary. Also I actually have a raised stone about 10 feet from my driveway. It has a carved face of a catamount and a beautiful quartz carving of a winged serpent. I am so honored to have recognized these.
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You are so welcome Liz, wow that is amazing both about your exposure to a swamp and of the raised stone.
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You are so welcome Liz, wow that is amazing both about your exposure to a swamp and of the raised stone.
Comment from Mistydawn
That could've been disastrous, falling the way she did. Thank goodness Linda was there to help and she didn't hurt anything but her pride. Poor thing is going to be a muddy mess though. I love how you added a little Indian. folklore. It added to the story, gave it originality. Your chapter is well-written, interesting, educational. Your dialogue seems natural and your characters realistic. I look forward to reading more.
reply by the author on 16-Nov-2020
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That could've been disastrous, falling the way she did. Thank goodness Linda was there to help and she didn't hurt anything but her pride. Poor thing is going to be a muddy mess though. I love how you added a little Indian. folklore. It added to the story, gave it originality. Your chapter is well-written, interesting, educational. Your dialogue seems natural and your characters realistic. I look forward to reading more.
Comment Written 16-Nov-2020
reply by the author on 16-Nov-2020
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Thank you for enthusiastic review. I wrote from my exposure to such a swamp. We walked on some wide boards, but were cautioned as to what was there. It was similar to quick sand. Kind of scary.
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There's a new show coming out called Big Sky. I believe by the previews that it's about human trafficking.
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We'll have to watch that. Thanks for the heads-up. I wonder if part of it takes place in Montana. Big Sky is the name for Montana. Where are you from? I'm from Vermont.
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It does. According to the previews, teenage girls come up missing all across the state. I'm from Missouri
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sounds great. I saw it advertised but didn't see what it was about. We'll have to compare notes later
Comment from lyenochka
It's so good that they have each other and know each other so well. I liked your use of the flashback from childhood to put this current problem in perspective. I also liked the reference to the creation story of Native Americans. Interestingly, there is such reference in Hinduism and Ancient Chinese mythology.
reply by the author on 16-Nov-2020
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It's so good that they have each other and know each other so well. I liked your use of the flashback from childhood to put this current problem in perspective. I also liked the reference to the creation story of Native Americans. Interestingly, there is such reference in Hinduism and Ancient Chinese mythology.
Comment Written 16-Nov-2020
reply by the author on 16-Nov-2020
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Thank you for your appreciative review. I have become aware that there is a relationship between Native Americans and Buddism also. They are probably all related in some way.
