The Teacher
Viewing comments for Chapter 5 "The Teacher - 5"Hostage situation at an elementary school.
4 total reviews
Comment from Frank Malley
This is a long piece, and a more serious editor's opinion would take a lot of work and maybe the ability to 'write' on the manuscript, an editing practice that Fanstory doesn't present. So I'll make a few general suggestions. A novel about a high-tension, dangerous situation requires a demanding control of how things are introduced, and the role these factors and personalities play. Any unnecessary events or incongruous descriptions are damaging. Early in this excerpt, Vince Dodson is thinking that "they had things under control." It sounds hard to believe when he thinks this, and the ensuing action makes Dodson's conclusion even less credible. Stupidity may be a feature of this character; if it is, the author may need to telegraph this feature more broadly, best accomplished through dialogue snippets. Too much character fluidity is destructive in an evolving situation. On another tack, the characters who are being set up as heroes need appropriate spotlighting more regularly, preferably via dialogue to avoid tedious narration. I think that too often apprentice writers tell the story they're writing too laboriously; an action book should be more of a duel than an excursion. Teols2016 has a good sense of his/her story, but this writer might benefit from a close reading of a tension-loaded section of a book by Michael Connolly or Leonard Elmore, both of whom are masters of staying trimmed and on focus. All the best.
reply by the author on 18-Nov-2021
  |
This is a long piece, and a more serious editor's opinion would take a lot of work and maybe the ability to 'write' on the manuscript, an editing practice that Fanstory doesn't present. So I'll make a few general suggestions. A novel about a high-tension, dangerous situation requires a demanding control of how things are introduced, and the role these factors and personalities play. Any unnecessary events or incongruous descriptions are damaging. Early in this excerpt, Vince Dodson is thinking that "they had things under control." It sounds hard to believe when he thinks this, and the ensuing action makes Dodson's conclusion even less credible. Stupidity may be a feature of this character; if it is, the author may need to telegraph this feature more broadly, best accomplished through dialogue snippets. Too much character fluidity is destructive in an evolving situation. On another tack, the characters who are being set up as heroes need appropriate spotlighting more regularly, preferably via dialogue to avoid tedious narration. I think that too often apprentice writers tell the story they're writing too laboriously; an action book should be more of a duel than an excursion. Teols2016 has a good sense of his/her story, but this writer might benefit from a close reading of a tension-loaded section of a book by Michael Connolly or Leonard Elmore, both of whom are masters of staying trimmed and on focus. All the best.
Comment Written 18-Nov-2021
reply by the author on 18-Nov-2021
-
Thank you very much.
Comment from Alcreator Litt Dear
This Letters and Diary Fiction speaks about Andi has family connections, the teacher - 5; well said, well done, thanks 4 sharing this, happy reviewing this legible on white background, my dear write-post more, fast, time is precious-limited, I, DR, wrote 114 books on God, Humanity, Truth. ALCREATOR
reply by the author on 17-Nov-2021
|
This Letters and Diary Fiction speaks about Andi has family connections, the teacher - 5; well said, well done, thanks 4 sharing this, happy reviewing this legible on white background, my dear write-post more, fast, time is precious-limited, I, DR, wrote 114 books on God, Humanity, Truth. ALCREATOR
Comment Written 17-Nov-2021
reply by the author on 17-Nov-2021
-
Thank you kindly.
Comment from blondie560
The last two chapters were great. I wish poor Andi could get her glasses, I think she'll need to see clearly to help save her students. I like the way you write about John. You make him evil, then you make him caring, then he's scared and unstable. A whole bag of tricks. Looking forward to future chapters.
reply by the author on 14-Nov-2020
|
The last two chapters were great. I wish poor Andi could get her glasses, I think she'll need to see clearly to help save her students. I like the way you write about John. You make him evil, then you make him caring, then he's scared and unstable. A whole bag of tricks. Looking forward to future chapters.
Comment Written 14-Nov-2020
reply by the author on 14-Nov-2020
-
Thank you. I like antagonists who aren't purely evil.
Comment from Iza Deleanu
Still captive and trying to get away from the gun, but so far they are all closed in with the bad wolf. Thank you for sharing and good luck with your next chapter.
reply by the author on 14-Nov-2020
|
Still captive and trying to get away from the gun, but so far they are all closed in with the bad wolf. Thank you for sharing and good luck with your next chapter.
Comment Written 14-Nov-2020
reply by the author on 14-Nov-2020
-
Thank you kindly.
