Last Game
There is danger when you don't know someone well.6 total reviews
Comment from Patty Palmer
This story kept my interest and I wasn't surprised that this guy turned out to be the kidnapper. I was surprised how he tortured the boy and then calmly sliced his throat. Good luck with the contest!
Patty
reply by the author on 01-Nov-2020
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This story kept my interest and I wasn't surprised that this guy turned out to be the kidnapper. I was surprised how he tortured the boy and then calmly sliced his throat. Good luck with the contest!
Patty
Comment Written 31-Oct-2020
reply by the author on 01-Nov-2020
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Thank you for taking the time to read and review. Much appreciated.
Comment from Y. M. Roger
Wow... quite the awful and frightening story you have penned here... hard to find trust in the weird world of today... A good offering for the contest here -- best of luck! ;)
reply by the author on 01-Nov-2020
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Wow... quite the awful and frightening story you have penned here... hard to find trust in the weird world of today... A good offering for the contest here -- best of luck! ;)
Comment Written 31-Oct-2020
reply by the author on 01-Nov-2020
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Thank you for taking the time to read and review. Much appreciated.
Comment from Cynthia Adams1
Boy, this was pretty sad and creepy, but well-done because i was surprised. I'm a baseball nut and here I thought it was going to be an interesting baseball story with a twist. That was quite a twist :)
Nice job. I like surprise endings. And it is a very good titile. Good luck in the contest.
reply by the author on 01-Nov-2020
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Boy, this was pretty sad and creepy, but well-done because i was surprised. I'm a baseball nut and here I thought it was going to be an interesting baseball story with a twist. That was quite a twist :)
Nice job. I like surprise endings. And it is a very good titile. Good luck in the contest.
Comment Written 31-Oct-2020
reply by the author on 01-Nov-2020
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Thank you for taking the time to read and review. Much appreciated.
Comment from lyenochka
Oh, that's such a horror story! Everything sounded normal even how dismayed and disappointed Rich was after losing the key game. So that evil killer used that opportunity to prey on him.
Best wishes in the contest!
reply by the author on 01-Nov-2020
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Oh, that's such a horror story! Everything sounded normal even how dismayed and disappointed Rich was after losing the key game. So that evil killer used that opportunity to prey on him.
Best wishes in the contest!
Comment Written 31-Oct-2020
reply by the author on 01-Nov-2020
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Thank you for taking the time to read and review. Much appreciated.
Comment from Iza Deleanu
Oh. no poor kid, tortured and killed. You did a good job describing the scene. Thank you for sharing and good luck with the contest and with your writings.
reply by the author on 30-Oct-2020
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Oh. no poor kid, tortured and killed. You did a good job describing the scene. Thank you for sharing and good luck with the contest and with your writings.
Comment Written 30-Oct-2020
reply by the author on 30-Oct-2020
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Thanks for your read and review.
Comment from Jay Squires
Contrary to what my rating shows, this was really a good read. Your pacing was good, the tension was held to a high level once he got in the car with Mr. Casey. You had some grammar and punctuation errors that were not consistent with the level of skill your first and second paragraphs reveal. It made me think you might have just gotten careless toward the end, which, of course we, as writers, can't allow ourselves to do.
Consequently, I reduced your rating by a star. Not to fear, though, I've got it in my pocket, and as soon as you let me know you've made the suggested changes, I'll return it to you. Do hurry, though. Those little pointy things, and all.
Here are the suggestions:
The game was over the Chiefs lost their trip to Peoria. [You have two complete sentences here without punctuation between them. You need either a period and a capital T for "The" or a semicolon there.]
"C'mon, coach is popping for dogs and Cokes." [if it's still Larry talking, bring it up to the previous paragraph. If it's another teammate, you need a dialogue tag for him/her.]
Mr. Casey torture [d] Rich, burning him with a cigars [cigar] and cutting him with a straight razor[period] [Capital B > blood] soaked his arms and chest. [This sentence had numerous errors. See my corrections above.]
Rich's bike was found near [Need a space between paragraphs.]
reply by the author on 30-Oct-2020
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Contrary to what my rating shows, this was really a good read. Your pacing was good, the tension was held to a high level once he got in the car with Mr. Casey. You had some grammar and punctuation errors that were not consistent with the level of skill your first and second paragraphs reveal. It made me think you might have just gotten careless toward the end, which, of course we, as writers, can't allow ourselves to do.
Consequently, I reduced your rating by a star. Not to fear, though, I've got it in my pocket, and as soon as you let me know you've made the suggested changes, I'll return it to you. Do hurry, though. Those little pointy things, and all.
Here are the suggestions:
The game was over the Chiefs lost their trip to Peoria. [You have two complete sentences here without punctuation between them. You need either a period and a capital T for "The" or a semicolon there.]
"C'mon, coach is popping for dogs and Cokes." [if it's still Larry talking, bring it up to the previous paragraph. If it's another teammate, you need a dialogue tag for him/her.]
Mr. Casey torture [d] Rich, burning him with a cigars [cigar] and cutting him with a straight razor[period] [Capital B > blood] soaked his arms and chest. [This sentence had numerous errors. See my corrections above.]
Rich's bike was found near [Need a space between paragraphs.]
Comment Written 30-Oct-2020
reply by the author on 30-Oct-2020
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Thank you for your careful read. You are correct I was rushing toward the end because I had an appointment. Thank you for your suggestions; I have made the changes.
