I wonder now
Admitting to a nursing home.32 total reviews
Comment from karenina
I feel your angst. As both an RN of over three decades in "long term care"--who has seen both joyful relief and broken hearted loved ones leave their elderly relative in our care, surely you fit in the latter category. Why did I choose to use my RN license in this specialty? Because I was you...
My Mom had died, I was a single parent of young children, my grandmother was falling deeper and deeper into the abyss of Alzheimer's. I would have died for her, but I could not live, support her and my children, go to work--not when every night she would awaken me at 3 or 4 AM with coat on and suitcases in each hand, frantically telling me it was time to go to the bus station so she could get home to her children!
Not when a normal afternoon turned into a three alarm fire because--wanting to "surprise" me with dinner when I got home from work, she placed a frozen homemade stew in a pot IN the Tupperware and turned the burner on high!
My heart shattered as I helped her settle in at the nursing home. It shattered every day I went to visit and every day I could not... She lived on for many years, to age 98... But it wasn't my Memere' anymore. She had no idea who we were for the last eight years of her life.
Society tells us to take care of our own...yet provided no adequate service (unless you are very wealthy) to help us do so...
The day my Memere' died the nursing home summoned me...I walked into her room, cringing at the rasp of her ever slowing breathing... she opened her eyes. She said my name.
She said my NAME! I knew then I had done the right thing...
I hope you find peace in your decision...I assure you she has.
--Beautiful, honest emotion. How brave of you to share!
Karenina
reply by the author on 31-Oct-2020
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I feel your angst. As both an RN of over three decades in "long term care"--who has seen both joyful relief and broken hearted loved ones leave their elderly relative in our care, surely you fit in the latter category. Why did I choose to use my RN license in this specialty? Because I was you...
My Mom had died, I was a single parent of young children, my grandmother was falling deeper and deeper into the abyss of Alzheimer's. I would have died for her, but I could not live, support her and my children, go to work--not when every night she would awaken me at 3 or 4 AM with coat on and suitcases in each hand, frantically telling me it was time to go to the bus station so she could get home to her children!
Not when a normal afternoon turned into a three alarm fire because--wanting to "surprise" me with dinner when I got home from work, she placed a frozen homemade stew in a pot IN the Tupperware and turned the burner on high!
My heart shattered as I helped her settle in at the nursing home. It shattered every day I went to visit and every day I could not... She lived on for many years, to age 98... But it wasn't my Memere' anymore. She had no idea who we were for the last eight years of her life.
Society tells us to take care of our own...yet provided no adequate service (unless you are very wealthy) to help us do so...
The day my Memere' died the nursing home summoned me...I walked into her room, cringing at the rasp of her ever slowing breathing... she opened her eyes. She said my name.
She said my NAME! I knew then I had done the right thing...
I hope you find peace in your decision...I assure you she has.
--Beautiful, honest emotion. How brave of you to share!
Karenina
Comment Written 31-Oct-2020
reply by the author on 31-Oct-2020
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What a sad heartbreaking story however also story also of love and caring for your grandmother.
I appreciate your kind and thoughtful words.
Regards,
Mary
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We do the best we can with what we have... Karenina
Comment from Gypsy Blue Rose
I wonder now
by Mary Vigasin
Hello, Mary,
Wow, that is a hard decision but one that you had to take under the circumstances. I fear living in a rest home without my family. A heartfelt poem, well done.
reply by the author on 31-Oct-2020
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I wonder now
by Mary Vigasin
Hello, Mary,
Wow, that is a hard decision but one that you had to take under the circumstances. I fear living in a rest home without my family. A heartfelt poem, well done.
Comment Written 31-Oct-2020
reply by the author on 31-Oct-2020
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Thank you for your review and kind comments.
Mary
Comment from giovannimariatommaso
It is no use to second guess one's self when attempting to do the right thing, especially when it is done w/out malice. Circumstances and situations change. It is of no use to attempt to figure out God's will and intent. He sees all and takes care of all. It's a sad poem but a very understandable one that many people go through. It's called life. giovanni
reply by the author on 31-Oct-2020
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It is no use to second guess one's self when attempting to do the right thing, especially when it is done w/out malice. Circumstances and situations change. It is of no use to attempt to figure out God's will and intent. He sees all and takes care of all. It's a sad poem but a very understandable one that many people go through. It's called life. giovanni
Comment Written 31-Oct-2020
reply by the author on 31-Oct-2020
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Thank you for your kind thoughts and review
Mary
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y/w giovanni
Comment from Susan Larson
My husband is one of six siblings. The oldest brother promised their mother that no matter what, she would never go to a nursing home. When at 98 she got way to feeble to live alone, none of us had bedrooms on the first floor, she lived out in the country where there were no home care services and he himself was a feeble 80, that promise he made was broken. In the nursing home she continued to sleep in front of the tv all day, just like she had been doing for the past few years. Sometimes that is the only choice.
reply by the author on 31-Oct-2020
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My husband is one of six siblings. The oldest brother promised their mother that no matter what, she would never go to a nursing home. When at 98 she got way to feeble to live alone, none of us had bedrooms on the first floor, she lived out in the country where there were no home care services and he himself was a feeble 80, that promise he made was broken. In the nursing home she continued to sleep in front of the tv all day, just like she had been doing for the past few years. Sometimes that is the only choice.
Comment Written 31-Oct-2020
reply by the author on 31-Oct-2020
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Thank you for you thoughtful comments and review.
Mary
Comment from Joan E.
Please do not second guess yourself--you had very limited choices and you probably gave her a few more safe days. Your repeats are very effective. Take good care of yourself- Joan
reply by the author on 31-Oct-2020
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Please do not second guess yourself--you had very limited choices and you probably gave her a few more safe days. Your repeats are very effective. Take good care of yourself- Joan
Comment Written 31-Oct-2020
reply by the author on 31-Oct-2020
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Thank you for your kind thoughts and review.
Regards
Mary
Comment from roof35
We always wonder. My mother chose to go into assisted living instead of moving to another state to live with me. It wasn't long before they moved her into the part of the home for people needing more help. So I know how you feel, should I have made her move to live with me? Your poem is nicely done.
reply by the author on 31-Oct-2020
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We always wonder. My mother chose to go into assisted living instead of moving to another state to live with me. It wasn't long before they moved her into the part of the home for people needing more help. So I know how you feel, should I have made her move to live with me? Your poem is nicely done.
Comment Written 31-Oct-2020
reply by the author on 31-Oct-2020
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Thank you for your review and thoughts.
Taking care of someone who needs additional help is draining on your body and soul.
Mary
Comment from Dorothy Farrell
Hello Mary, this is such a sad poem full of angst. A mixture of regret and guilt. So many people go through this and wonder if they did the right thing. You will never forget her and try to tell yourself that you suffered probably more than she did as you were more aware of what was going on. It is awful when a person gets into this state of dementia. Dying quietly at home with loved ones around us is what we would all like, but we do not have choice. Just remember her the way she was before - warm regards Dorothy x
reply by the author on 31-Oct-2020
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Hello Mary, this is such a sad poem full of angst. A mixture of regret and guilt. So many people go through this and wonder if they did the right thing. You will never forget her and try to tell yourself that you suffered probably more than she did as you were more aware of what was going on. It is awful when a person gets into this state of dementia. Dying quietly at home with loved ones around us is what we would all like, but we do not have choice. Just remember her the way she was before - warm regards Dorothy x
Comment Written 31-Oct-2020
reply by the author on 31-Oct-2020
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Thank you for your kind comments. It is much appreciated.
Mary
Comment from Eternal Muse
This is very emotional writing, and thank you for sharing.
I think you did a very right think in sending her to a full care facility. Your relative, judging by your words, was suffering from dementia as well as serious psychiatric disorders of delusion and deviation from reality.
Leaving her home would be dangerous for herself and others. She was in serious need of medications and round the clock medical care.
Don't blame yourself. Statistics is, people don't have a long life expectancy in nursing homes, but just know, you didn't have a choice.
Sometimes it horrifies me to think I am going to live to the age and state when I will be going thru this. I hope God is good and He will take sooner (smile).
Thank you so much for sharing this. We cherish your trust.
reply by the author on 31-Oct-2020
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This is very emotional writing, and thank you for sharing.
I think you did a very right think in sending her to a full care facility. Your relative, judging by your words, was suffering from dementia as well as serious psychiatric disorders of delusion and deviation from reality.
Leaving her home would be dangerous for herself and others. She was in serious need of medications and round the clock medical care.
Don't blame yourself. Statistics is, people don't have a long life expectancy in nursing homes, but just know, you didn't have a choice.
Sometimes it horrifies me to think I am going to live to the age and state when I will be going thru this. I hope God is good and He will take sooner (smile).
Thank you so much for sharing this. We cherish your trust.
Comment Written 31-Oct-2020
reply by the author on 31-Oct-2020
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Thank you for your kind words and review. It is appreciated.
Regards,
Mary
Comment from Raffaelina Lowcock
The poem is of a tortured person who is still commiserating over a long unforgotten decision. We all in some way or another have been through what you describe in your poem. There is nothing more you could have done other than stop living to give her 24/7 care. Who can do that? It is what it is and we have to accept the choices we have at any given time. Our times are different now we have caregivers who visit in the home.
Instead of feeling bad, just say a thankful prayer that she's in Heaven.
Your poem is very plaintful.
Ralf
reply by the author on 30-Oct-2020
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The poem is of a tortured person who is still commiserating over a long unforgotten decision. We all in some way or another have been through what you describe in your poem. There is nothing more you could have done other than stop living to give her 24/7 care. Who can do that? It is what it is and we have to accept the choices we have at any given time. Our times are different now we have caregivers who visit in the home.
Instead of feeling bad, just say a thankful prayer that she's in Heaven.
Your poem is very plaintful.
Ralf
Comment Written 30-Oct-2020
reply by the author on 30-Oct-2020
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Thank you for your review and kind thoughts. It is appreciated.
Regards and stay safe.
Mary
Comment from jake cosmos aller
nursing homes are a difficult decision. My mother was in one for three years after dementia made it too difficult to live alone. None of her children were able to take her in nor did we want to as she had always been a difficult person to deal with. But nursing homes are in a sense a place people go to die so I understand and can relate to your situation
reply by the author on 30-Oct-2020
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nursing homes are a difficult decision. My mother was in one for three years after dementia made it too difficult to live alone. None of her children were able to take her in nor did we want to as she had always been a difficult person to deal with. But nursing homes are in a sense a place people go to die so I understand and can relate to your situation
Comment Written 30-Oct-2020
reply by the author on 30-Oct-2020
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Thank you Jake for your review and understanding. It is truly appreciated.
Mary
