Renaissance of Enchantment
Viewing comments for Chapter 27 "Chapter 8 - Part 3"It was their world long before our existence...
18 total reviews
Comment from Stephen Force
I haven't kept up with this story I think since chapter's 3 or four (not being a great reader) but I did enjoy this reading. There was a rough spot I encountered and it may be just my reading deficiency but the opening paragraph the statement "In her mind, she tried running back over his last words in her mind..." gave me pause, I think it is the double use of "In her mind" before and after her mental review. Any who:) it was a really good read.
reply by the author on 31-Oct-2020
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I haven't kept up with this story I think since chapter's 3 or four (not being a great reader) but I did enjoy this reading. There was a rough spot I encountered and it may be just my reading deficiency but the opening paragraph the statement "In her mind, she tried running back over his last words in her mind..." gave me pause, I think it is the double use of "In her mind" before and after her mental review. Any who:) it was a really good read.
Comment Written 28-Oct-2020
reply by the author on 31-Oct-2020
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Thanx for that catch, sir -- it is fixed!! :) And thank you for taking the time to read and review this one - always great to have a fresh set of eyes.. ;) ;) Take care out there and enjoy the weekend! ;) Yvette
Comment from F. William Lester
A good story. I've dropped in in the middle of the story, so there are a number of things I don't know and will need to see in previous chapters. But in this chapter, I have a several comments.
You tend to overwrite your passages. For example, "in her mind" is repeated in the second sentence. Delete one of the phrases along with "...still focused on her." The last is extraneous. The reader will pick up on this. In the fourth paragraph, delete "certainly" and "this time". They're extraneous and tend to slow the pace of the story.
I think your description of Demetrius was overdone. Each time you brought him up, you added a new adjective for his face. Once you describe his features in detail as alluring, concentrate on Maggie's reactions. The reader knows why. The more adjectives you add to describe his face in a new way, the more it distracts from the story.
You overuse "as". Find another way to write the sentence or a different word to replace "as". It really distracts from the story.
When you use ellipses (...), there is no space after the last dot unless you insert spaces between the dots, then there is a space before and after the ellipse.
The word "olfactory" really stuck out. It didn't fit and when I read it, it abruptly stopped the flow of the story.
You have a very good story. A few tweaks and it will be a great story.
Thanks for sharing your work. Stay well.
reply by the author on 28-Oct-2020
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A good story. I've dropped in in the middle of the story, so there are a number of things I don't know and will need to see in previous chapters. But in this chapter, I have a several comments.
You tend to overwrite your passages. For example, "in her mind" is repeated in the second sentence. Delete one of the phrases along with "...still focused on her." The last is extraneous. The reader will pick up on this. In the fourth paragraph, delete "certainly" and "this time". They're extraneous and tend to slow the pace of the story.
I think your description of Demetrius was overdone. Each time you brought him up, you added a new adjective for his face. Once you describe his features in detail as alluring, concentrate on Maggie's reactions. The reader knows why. The more adjectives you add to describe his face in a new way, the more it distracts from the story.
You overuse "as". Find another way to write the sentence or a different word to replace "as". It really distracts from the story.
When you use ellipses (...), there is no space after the last dot unless you insert spaces between the dots, then there is a space before and after the ellipse.
The word "olfactory" really stuck out. It didn't fit and when I read it, it abruptly stopped the flow of the story.
You have a very good story. A few tweaks and it will be a great story.
Thanks for sharing your work. Stay well.
Comment Written 28-Oct-2020
reply by the author on 28-Oct-2020
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Thank you for the constructive comments -- it made me take a good look at a number of things! ;)
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You're very welcome. I'm glad they helped. Stay well.
Comment from lyenochka
Wow! Such an entertaining encounter! And I'm not sure whether I should be afraid for Maggie or if Demetrius is someone who really is a companion from the past. Perhaps that's why he seemed disappointed that she didn't recognize him. But her babbling about the pyramids in the desert confirmed for him that she is the one he'd been waiting for? Loved the way you described the interaction. And good that Demetrius could catch flying hat trees!
reply by the author on 27-Oct-2020
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Wow! Such an entertaining encounter! And I'm not sure whether I should be afraid for Maggie or if Demetrius is someone who really is a companion from the past. Perhaps that's why he seemed disappointed that she didn't recognize him. But her babbling about the pyramids in the desert confirmed for him that she is the one he'd been waiting for? Loved the way you described the interaction. And good that Demetrius could catch flying hat trees!
Comment Written 27-Oct-2020
reply by the author on 27-Oct-2020
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Thank you, thank you, Helen for REALLY reading this -- I think you got everything in this episode that I was hoping folks would catch onto!! ;) So, yeah, I'm grinning from ear to ear even after having spend the last 3+ days submerged in fixing up the house (the photographer came yesterday evening) to put on the market this week.... THANK YOU!! ;) :) You take care out there, my FS friend, and enjoy the almost-Halloween week out there! ;) Yvette
Comment from Iza Deleanu
Mmm, love it is in the air, Maggie pretends that she doesn't care, but how can you resist...the desert it's so alluring. Thank you for sharing and for bringing back my favorite book.
reply by the author on 27-Oct-2020
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Mmm, love it is in the air, Maggie pretends that she doesn't care, but how can you resist...the desert it's so alluring. Thank you for sharing and for bringing back my favorite book.
Comment Written 27-Oct-2020
reply by the author on 27-Oct-2020
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Gonna try to stick with this one and finish up in the next few months... we'll see, though, since we really worked this weekend (the photographer came yesterday evening) and our house goes on the market this week! ;) ;) Thanx for the review and your continued support, Lady Iza -- take care and enjoy the almost-Halloween week out there! ;) Yvette
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Good luck with the sale. I will be full time on the site after my exam, until then pls save some chapters for me: )
Comment from RShipp
'He simultaneously raised a hand, effectively silencing the people and bringing all of the activity in the room to a halt.' (There are people that seem to have this 'hidden power' in an upraised hand ... even though they are not usually people of power.)
Interesting that she felt compelled to tell the truth- even though it seems ridiculous.
Enjoyed.
reply by the author on 27-Oct-2020
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'He simultaneously raised a hand, effectively silencing the people and bringing all of the activity in the room to a halt.' (There are people that seem to have this 'hidden power' in an upraised hand ... even though they are not usually people of power.)
Interesting that she felt compelled to tell the truth- even though it seems ridiculous.
Enjoyed.
Comment Written 26-Oct-2020
reply by the author on 27-Oct-2020
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Thanx so much for checking in on Maggie and the gang, R -- whole lot going on here and at The Refuge in general... ;) :) Thanx for stopping by and enjoy the almost-Halloween week out there! ;) Yvette
Comment from poetwatch
I love the exchange, Yvette. :) I don't know how you do it, but yes they have a history together in another life. Like when he says in the last chapter. "You truly do not realize it, do you, my h- ? (heart)" Maggie has the feelings, not the knowledge. I do hope you bring more knowledge for us poor readers of you work. :) Until I read again. ;) Good story.
reply by the author on 27-Oct-2020
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I love the exchange, Yvette. :) I don't know how you do it, but yes they have a history together in another life. Like when he says in the last chapter. "You truly do not realize it, do you, my h- ? (heart)" Maggie has the feelings, not the knowledge. I do hope you bring more knowledge for us poor readers of you work. :) Until I read again. ;) Good story.
Comment Written 26-Oct-2020
reply by the author on 27-Oct-2020
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You see -- YOU are the first to really be paying attention here, Jose - THANK YOU for that!! ;) And thanx for the awesome review... and, don't worry, it'll all come into view at some point! ;) ;)
Comment from Janetsue
I skipped reviewing a couple of chapters because I wanted to get right to reading the next ones. This is obviously a plot of good versus evil. I have no doubt good will win out, but at what cost? It is such an outstanding book, Yvette, and a delight to read!
reply by the author on 27-Oct-2020
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I skipped reviewing a couple of chapters because I wanted to get right to reading the next ones. This is obviously a plot of good versus evil. I have no doubt good will win out, but at what cost? It is such an outstanding book, Yvette, and a delight to read!
Comment Written 26-Oct-2020
reply by the author on 27-Oct-2020
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Thank you so much, Janet -- hope you're apartment cleaning didn't get put off too long, but I'm certainly glad you're on board!! ;) Look for more in about a week and a half or so! ;) Yvette
P.S. Cuz there's other books out there that need a little work, too... ;) :) Yvette
Comment from royowen
Your characters are rather brilliant, they all play a mysterious part, and have mysterious powers that exude from everyone of them. I know people who have the affect on me that Demetrius has on Maggie, but I can see that she is her own person, as are they. If people only saw they all have a part to play, well done Yvette, brilliant as usual, blessings Roy
reply by the author on 27-Oct-2020
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Your characters are rather brilliant, they all play a mysterious part, and have mysterious powers that exude from everyone of them. I know people who have the affect on me that Demetrius has on Maggie, but I can see that she is her own person, as are they. If people only saw they all have a part to play, well done Yvette, brilliant as usual, blessings Roy
Comment Written 26-Oct-2020
reply by the author on 27-Oct-2020
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Roy -- you really do have a way of just relaxing me and reminding me I'm writing for everyone, yes, but most of all I'm writing for me and my 'fun'... THANK YOU for that my friend on the other side of the world!! ;) And thanx for the awesome review!! ;) Yvette
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Well done
Comment from Robert Zimmerman
Hello Yevette.
The interaction between Maggie and Demetrius shows a clear direction to me. One other thing that showed clear direction is if they keep spending a lot of time together, there may be more furniture flying through the air.
We are also introduced to aromas and the puzzling desert. Not being in tune much with fantasy writing I just keep grasping for a straw. I'm probably the only person in the world that is never read one word of Harry Potter.
Z :>)))
reply by the author on 27-Oct-2020
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Hello Yevette.
The interaction between Maggie and Demetrius shows a clear direction to me. One other thing that showed clear direction is if they keep spending a lot of time together, there may be more furniture flying through the air.
We are also introduced to aromas and the puzzling desert. Not being in tune much with fantasy writing I just keep grasping for a straw. I'm probably the only person in the world that is never read one word of Harry Potter.
Z :>)))
Comment Written 26-Oct-2020
reply by the author on 27-Oct-2020
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I'm so glad you made that comment, Z -- not just because you made me grin, but because a couple others have missed the 'flying'... ;/ :/ Guess what? I never read Harry Potter either - no kidding! ;) :) But I will tell you something - you're good at picking up on things so stick with me on this one!! ;) :) Thanx so much! ;) Yvette
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Hey Yvette.
I have spent most of the day with no internet again. Spectrum is awful.
To me, the flying furniture was a suspicious sign of something but I don't know what. That is a major action in my opinion.
Thanks for recognizing my reading skills. I have told people before reading ain't just words.
I look for meaning in what I read. No meaning--no interest.
Z (*^*)
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I did tell you what my husband/sons call Spectrum, right? (yes, we have their crappy service, too - ugh)....
Comment from Gypsy Blue Rose
Chapter 8 - Part 3
by Y. M. Roger
Hello, Yvette,
Wow! Very steammy sexy chapter LoL with a great plot. I like the way maggie reacts to Demetrius shananigans LoL ...seems like he has great power over her. You made it seem possible.
Good job, my friend.
reply by the author on 27-Oct-2020
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Chapter 8 - Part 3
by Y. M. Roger
Hello, Yvette,
Wow! Very steammy sexy chapter LoL with a great plot. I like the way maggie reacts to Demetrius shananigans LoL ...seems like he has great power over her. You made it seem possible.
Good job, my friend.
Comment Written 25-Oct-2020
reply by the author on 27-Oct-2020
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LOL! Now we're getting to the good stuff... lol!! ;) Stay tuned for more 'desert intrigue'... ;) :)Thanx for the great review, Gypsy -- take care! ;) Yvette
