The Spirit of the Wind
Viewing comments for Chapter 17 "Dead Silence"Newylwed homesteader Jane becomes a widow
16 total reviews
Comment from Mistydawn
Poor boy, having to kill his beloved pet. Hopefully his new found friends will be able to help him. Perhaps, teach him a few hunting skills. Your story is well-written, interesting start to finish. You're characters really come to life. I did find two things that didn't quite make sense. Maybe it was the way I was reading it.
I was wondering then, why I insisted on fetching wood and been having my tea at home.
I was treated as less than a dog
I look forward to reading more.
reply by the author on 20-Oct-2020
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Poor boy, having to kill his beloved pet. Hopefully his new found friends will be able to help him. Perhaps, teach him a few hunting skills. Your story is well-written, interesting start to finish. You're characters really come to life. I did find two things that didn't quite make sense. Maybe it was the way I was reading it.
I was wondering then, why I insisted on fetching wood and been having my tea at home.
I was treated as less than a dog
I look forward to reading more.
Comment Written 17-Oct-2020
reply by the author on 20-Oct-2020
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Thanks, Misty!
Comment from CrystieCookie999
Rats, I am out of sixes. Such readable content, as always. Suggesting little fixes:
Winter took its toll on the stark, cold prairie with hardly a tree left for our fireplace.
Just add a comma after prairie for the sake of a breath.
I refused to slay the old oak tree near where my former husband could rest in peace.
I think this is very slightly awkward. Since she is remarried, I would say: I refused to slay the old oak tree near the place where the remains of my first husband were buried.
I argued to take my husband's place who was weakened from his seizure and a cold.
There is a difficulty with the antecedent here. I would try: I argued to take my husband's place, since he was weakened from his seizure and a cold.
As we drove the horses across the white snowy dunes, the spirited wind found us, and the cold knifed through our wool.
I think this sounds like people are sheep with wool. Just change it to 'woolen clothes' or 'woolen blankets' there.
Pinned between Redhawk who held the reins and Thad who held his rifle, I was thankful to be more buffeted from the cold.
I think you mean 'buffered' and not 'buffeted.' Another possibility is 'protected' there.
No thanks, Thad. I prefer some pine tea, once we strike a match and make a fire in the woods."
Just add quotation mark in front of No thanks
After several rolling hills Redhawk halted and spied the spiraling trees along the river, shrouded in mist.
Add a comma after hills (and love the sound of spied, spiraling)
A circling hawk shrieked and pierced the sky with jolt to my heart.
Add article 'a' in front of jolt
I was wondering then, why I insisted on fetching wood and been having my tea at home.
Something about the verb tense 'been having' sounds awkward, and not just due to the way of speaking. Maybe try: how I had been having my tea at home
The half-breed scout, Redhawk gave us both a stern look, and placed his finger to his mouth.
Just add another comma after Redhawk. I think it is just an appositive there.
Rays of sun suddenly penetrated through the tall thin trees.
Just add a comma after tall (and I love the whole description in this paragraph).
Redhawk and Thad stood and warmed their hands over the crackling fire of pine brush. Redhawk was never one to let a history lesson go as a former Cheyenne scout. "Beyond our eyes, the Sioux winter in the Black Hills. But they don't like the white man's desire to mark off land and build fences where the buffalo roamed.
Add a quotation mark after roamed
I think maybe try: As a former Cheyenne scout, Redhawk was never one to let a history lesson go.
Thad and I got the message. My heart thumped inside over how they could be watching us, and we'd never know it. But Redhawk spied an abandoned cabin, where a pioneer tried to make a place by the river their home.
I think maybe add 'had' before tried to make
It was no secret that the family left so fast, they only carried away what they could hold. It didn't matter that the Indians never attacked. Fear alone drove the homesteaders out. Redhawk glassed the cabin some more.
This made me question two things. Why wasn't it a secret? Were there still household items in plain sight? Maybe mention one or two. I was not familiar with the verb 'glassed' either.
Redhawk stood and glassed the area. "There's a dark skinned a boy on thin ice. Looks like he's trying to catch his dog."
I would add a hyphen between dark and skinned
In the distance, I could hear the faint sounds of a dogs bark. "He in trouble, Redhawk?"
Add apostrophe: dog's bark
"This could be a trap," Said Thad.
uncapitalize Said to said
"No trap," Said Redhawk. Only a fool's errand."
uncapitalize Said to said
We took the wagon along the ridge where there was enough of an opening to get the horses to take Redhawk's lead and avoid the underbrush.
I think add a comma after ridge for the sake of a breath in a long sentence
The small bushy, haired dog darted across the thin ice and scampered up the bank on our side. I leaped out over I knelt down with a piece of dried jerky in my hand. The small dog shivered but eagerly took the morsel
I would say: The small, bushy-haired dog
Add a period after morsel
Redhawk sought to reassure the boy who looked up with great surprise and fear on his Indian face. He slipped and fell over the ice until he crashed into the water where the current moved him from the hole he was in.
I would add a comma after boy
I would say: He slipped and fell, sliding over the ice until he crashed into the water, where the current moved him from the hole he was in.
Redhawk looked down over him. "Where can we cross? We need to get you out of those clothes."
I hoped they would not fear the worst when we don't show up before dark.
change 'don't' to 'didn't'
Also, come to think of it, maybe just add that the boy was treated worse than a dog by the Lakota, or whichever people treated him that way.
Intriguing read. A rescue from a fall through or on ice is always good action!
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Rats, I am out of sixes. Such readable content, as always. Suggesting little fixes:
Winter took its toll on the stark, cold prairie with hardly a tree left for our fireplace.
Just add a comma after prairie for the sake of a breath.
I refused to slay the old oak tree near where my former husband could rest in peace.
I think this is very slightly awkward. Since she is remarried, I would say: I refused to slay the old oak tree near the place where the remains of my first husband were buried.
I argued to take my husband's place who was weakened from his seizure and a cold.
There is a difficulty with the antecedent here. I would try: I argued to take my husband's place, since he was weakened from his seizure and a cold.
As we drove the horses across the white snowy dunes, the spirited wind found us, and the cold knifed through our wool.
I think this sounds like people are sheep with wool. Just change it to 'woolen clothes' or 'woolen blankets' there.
Pinned between Redhawk who held the reins and Thad who held his rifle, I was thankful to be more buffeted from the cold.
I think you mean 'buffered' and not 'buffeted.' Another possibility is 'protected' there.
No thanks, Thad. I prefer some pine tea, once we strike a match and make a fire in the woods."
Just add quotation mark in front of No thanks
After several rolling hills Redhawk halted and spied the spiraling trees along the river, shrouded in mist.
Add a comma after hills (and love the sound of spied, spiraling)
A circling hawk shrieked and pierced the sky with jolt to my heart.
Add article 'a' in front of jolt
I was wondering then, why I insisted on fetching wood and been having my tea at home.
Something about the verb tense 'been having' sounds awkward, and not just due to the way of speaking. Maybe try: how I had been having my tea at home
The half-breed scout, Redhawk gave us both a stern look, and placed his finger to his mouth.
Just add another comma after Redhawk. I think it is just an appositive there.
Rays of sun suddenly penetrated through the tall thin trees.
Just add a comma after tall (and I love the whole description in this paragraph).
Redhawk and Thad stood and warmed their hands over the crackling fire of pine brush. Redhawk was never one to let a history lesson go as a former Cheyenne scout. "Beyond our eyes, the Sioux winter in the Black Hills. But they don't like the white man's desire to mark off land and build fences where the buffalo roamed.
Add a quotation mark after roamed
I think maybe try: As a former Cheyenne scout, Redhawk was never one to let a history lesson go.
Thad and I got the message. My heart thumped inside over how they could be watching us, and we'd never know it. But Redhawk spied an abandoned cabin, where a pioneer tried to make a place by the river their home.
I think maybe add 'had' before tried to make
It was no secret that the family left so fast, they only carried away what they could hold. It didn't matter that the Indians never attacked. Fear alone drove the homesteaders out. Redhawk glassed the cabin some more.
This made me question two things. Why wasn't it a secret? Were there still household items in plain sight? Maybe mention one or two. I was not familiar with the verb 'glassed' either.
Redhawk stood and glassed the area. "There's a dark skinned a boy on thin ice. Looks like he's trying to catch his dog."
I would add a hyphen between dark and skinned
In the distance, I could hear the faint sounds of a dogs bark. "He in trouble, Redhawk?"
Add apostrophe: dog's bark
"This could be a trap," Said Thad.
uncapitalize Said to said
"No trap," Said Redhawk. Only a fool's errand."
uncapitalize Said to said
We took the wagon along the ridge where there was enough of an opening to get the horses to take Redhawk's lead and avoid the underbrush.
I think add a comma after ridge for the sake of a breath in a long sentence
The small bushy, haired dog darted across the thin ice and scampered up the bank on our side. I leaped out over I knelt down with a piece of dried jerky in my hand. The small dog shivered but eagerly took the morsel
I would say: The small, bushy-haired dog
Add a period after morsel
Redhawk sought to reassure the boy who looked up with great surprise and fear on his Indian face. He slipped and fell over the ice until he crashed into the water where the current moved him from the hole he was in.
I would add a comma after boy
I would say: He slipped and fell, sliding over the ice until he crashed into the water, where the current moved him from the hole he was in.
Redhawk looked down over him. "Where can we cross? We need to get you out of those clothes."
I hoped they would not fear the worst when we don't show up before dark.
change 'don't' to 'didn't'
Also, come to think of it, maybe just add that the boy was treated worse than a dog by the Lakota, or whichever people treated him that way.
Intriguing read. A rescue from a fall through or on ice is always good action!
Comment Written 17-Oct-2020
Comment from Sally Law
This is a wonderful chapter for your book, Forest. I love your rich descriptions, and having lived in the cold for some many years, you brought it back to me fresh and anew.
A few improvements for your consideration.
"No thanks, Thad...." Missing begining quote marks.
"This could be a trap," (said) Thad. Lower case s here.
Same for (Said) Redhawk.
"With the pup in my pack; I slipped and cut my leg." You can connect two independent clauses with a semicolon. This creates flow and a smoother read.
I hope this is helpful. Sending you my best today as always and blessings for your writing endeavors,
Sally XOs...
reply by the author on 20-Oct-2020
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This is a wonderful chapter for your book, Forest. I love your rich descriptions, and having lived in the cold for some many years, you brought it back to me fresh and anew.
A few improvements for your consideration.
"No thanks, Thad...." Missing begining quote marks.
"This could be a trap," (said) Thad. Lower case s here.
Same for (Said) Redhawk.
"With the pup in my pack; I slipped and cut my leg." You can connect two independent clauses with a semicolon. This creates flow and a smoother read.
I hope this is helpful. Sending you my best today as always and blessings for your writing endeavors,
Sally XOs...
Comment Written 17-Oct-2020
reply by the author on 20-Oct-2020
-
Thanks for the help. Appreciate it.
Comment from royowen
A great episode, it was deeply illuminating ot the characters, and attachments developing and becoming organic. Poor Thad, his grandfather said after not eating for days, said they'd have to eat the pup, but they'll have food, with Redhawk and Jane there. Beautifully written my friend, blessings Roy,
reply by the author on 20-Oct-2020
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A great episode, it was deeply illuminating ot the characters, and attachments developing and becoming organic. Poor Thad, his grandfather said after not eating for days, said they'd have to eat the pup, but they'll have food, with Redhawk and Jane there. Beautifully written my friend, blessings Roy,
Comment Written 17-Oct-2020
reply by the author on 20-Oct-2020
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Thanks, brother!
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My pleasure
Comment from Alcreator Litt Dear
This Chapter 15 of the book speaks how Jane and friends head across the wintery prairie haunted by dead silence in a nice taletelling, promoted by balanced plot development, fostered by realistic dialogues, well said, well done; thanks for sharing this. ALCREATOR
reply by the author on 20-Oct-2020
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This Chapter 15 of the book speaks how Jane and friends head across the wintery prairie haunted by dead silence in a nice taletelling, promoted by balanced plot development, fostered by realistic dialogues, well said, well done; thanks for sharing this. ALCREATOR
Comment Written 16-Oct-2020
reply by the author on 20-Oct-2020
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Thanks, again!
Comment from lancellot
A very interesting chapter. Well written.
Notes:
"There's a dark skinned (a) boy on thin ice.
- random a
"This could be a trap," {Said Thad.}
- said Thad.
"No trap," Said Redhawk. Only a fool's errand."
- should be-
"No trap," said Redhawk. "Only a fool's errand."
I leaped out over [ ]I knelt down with a piece of dried jerky in my hand.
- missing words: and then
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
|
A very interesting chapter. Well written.
Notes:
"There's a dark skinned (a) boy on thin ice.
- random a
"This could be a trap," {Said Thad.}
- said Thad.
"No trap," Said Redhawk. Only a fool's errand."
- should be-
"No trap," said Redhawk. "Only a fool's errand."
I leaped out over [ ]I knelt down with a piece of dried jerky in my hand.
- missing words: and then
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 16-Oct-2020
