Another Life
Viewing comments for Chapter 13 "Time to Gear up"American Isekai
8 total reviews
Comment from Liz O'Neill
This draws the reader in to really like Paul: "Paul decided not to ask any more questions, less he looked like an even bigger idiot than he felt." Is this foreshadowing of adventures yet to come? "Paul began to wonder if he could construct one. A revolver, at least. How hard could it be?" I fear he is headed for trouble only Paul can get into.
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This draws the reader in to really like Paul: "Paul decided not to ask any more questions, less he looked like an even bigger idiot than he felt." Is this foreshadowing of adventures yet to come? "Paul began to wonder if he could construct one. A revolver, at least. How hard could it be?" I fear he is headed for trouble only Paul can get into.
Comment Written 10-Apr-2021
Comment from barbara.wilkey
You are doing a great job with this story. Paul is certainly getting into Manhood. I see he is a partial slave owner, not too sure about that part, but we'll see how it works.
reply by the author on 18-Oct-2020
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You are doing a great job with this story. Paul is certainly getting into Manhood. I see he is a partial slave owner, not too sure about that part, but we'll see how it works.
Comment Written 18-Oct-2020
reply by the author on 18-Oct-2020
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Thank you very much.
Comment from robyn corum
L.,
Intriguing post. I'm so glad I haven't popped back to any old time periods. Can you imagine? I admit I am pretty spoiled to this one. haha
Nice writing - it was clear and understandable and easy reading.
Notes, if I may?
1.) She has been through a lot," she smiled again, "but she'll make you a fine wife. I just know it."
--> She smiled again. "Christa has been through a lot, but she'll make you a fine wife. I just know it."
--> the 'she smiled' part is not a speech tag so it must be treated differently.
2.) "Slow down there. D(id) you forget this?" Sara slid the parchment (or)
--> Don't forget this (without the 'you')
3.) This bill of sale and contract for the slave female's known as Crista Wright, former
--> no ['s]
--> This bill of sale and contract for the female slave known as Crista Wright, former
4.) It means as long as you're a minor, like you, Crista belongs to
--> delete [,like you,] this already seems to imply that he is the minor (or:)
--> It means as long as (a person is) a minor, like you, (any slave belongs to the parents--or other head of house.)
5.) Helm(et?) and shield will be provided by the watch,
6.) Paul w(a)ndered around a bit while his father talked with
7.) His father smiled(.) "I thought you would."
--> not a speech tag
8.) "Yes, this will do, nicely," Paul answered for his father, taking the blade in his hand. "Good, craftmanship, sir.
--> no comma after 'do' OR 'good'
9.) Dominic nodded. "Yes, there are may/be a dozen recruits trying for the Watch."
--> two words
I enjoyed and wish you luck. Let me know if you edit and if you're interested, I can re-rate. Thanks so much!
reply by the author on 16-Oct-2020
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L.,
Intriguing post. I'm so glad I haven't popped back to any old time periods. Can you imagine? I admit I am pretty spoiled to this one. haha
Nice writing - it was clear and understandable and easy reading.
Notes, if I may?
1.) She has been through a lot," she smiled again, "but she'll make you a fine wife. I just know it."
--> She smiled again. "Christa has been through a lot, but she'll make you a fine wife. I just know it."
--> the 'she smiled' part is not a speech tag so it must be treated differently.
2.) "Slow down there. D(id) you forget this?" Sara slid the parchment (or)
--> Don't forget this (without the 'you')
3.) This bill of sale and contract for the slave female's known as Crista Wright, former
--> no ['s]
--> This bill of sale and contract for the female slave known as Crista Wright, former
4.) It means as long as you're a minor, like you, Crista belongs to
--> delete [,like you,] this already seems to imply that he is the minor (or:)
--> It means as long as (a person is) a minor, like you, (any slave belongs to the parents--or other head of house.)
5.) Helm(et?) and shield will be provided by the watch,
6.) Paul w(a)ndered around a bit while his father talked with
7.) His father smiled(.) "I thought you would."
--> not a speech tag
8.) "Yes, this will do, nicely," Paul answered for his father, taking the blade in his hand. "Good, craftmanship, sir.
--> no comma after 'do' OR 'good'
9.) Dominic nodded. "Yes, there are may/be a dozen recruits trying for the Watch."
--> two words
I enjoyed and wish you luck. Let me know if you edit and if you're interested, I can re-rate. Thanks so much!
Comment Written 16-Oct-2020
reply by the author on 16-Oct-2020
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Thank you very much. I really appreciate the help.
Comment from judiverse
What a sickening idea of Crista being the slave of Paul, and more than that, it will be under the responsibility of his parents. This is certainly a coakamamey system, if he can legally marry but is still under his parents' jurisdiction. You do a great job with the details about getting the license and then the visit to the Armor shop. That is really from the dark ages. Fun bit when Paul wonders what would happen if he asked for a revolver. Nice touch with Paul buying the bouquet. You really put the reader in this particular place and time. judi
reply by the author on 15-Oct-2020
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What a sickening idea of Crista being the slave of Paul, and more than that, it will be under the responsibility of his parents. This is certainly a coakamamey system, if he can legally marry but is still under his parents' jurisdiction. You do a great job with the details about getting the license and then the visit to the Armor shop. That is really from the dark ages. Fun bit when Paul wonders what would happen if he asked for a revolver. Nice touch with Paul buying the bouquet. You really put the reader in this particular place and time. judi
Comment Written 15-Oct-2020
reply by the author on 15-Oct-2020
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Thank you, Judi. I think Crista is pretty happy. More will be known about her as we move into her chapters. Yes, the system is strange in some ways.
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You're welcome. Crista's doing exactly what's expected of her. She doesn't know anything else. Indeed, that is a strange society. judi
Comment from Y. M. Roger
Aaah, but a warrior needs to have a short-sword handy no matter the 'age', yeah? ;) :) And, even though I am unfamiliar with the story, it seems Paul has quite the bright future ahead of him: revolver, out of debt soon as possible,... hmmm, yeah, I think he'll find that capital! ;) :) Great narrative and weaving of dialogue with thoughts and actions... ;) Thanx for sharing, sir, and good luck with the book! ;)
That's is a good thing --> That's a good thing OR That is a good thing
they more you'll --> the more you'll
P.S. Just a thought: you should consider putting the last bits of the previous chapter in the beginning so that the reader, even your loyal ones, have a quick 'oh yeah, that's where we were' moment... ;) ;)
reply by the author on 15-Oct-2020
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Aaah, but a warrior needs to have a short-sword handy no matter the 'age', yeah? ;) :) And, even though I am unfamiliar with the story, it seems Paul has quite the bright future ahead of him: revolver, out of debt soon as possible,... hmmm, yeah, I think he'll find that capital! ;) :) Great narrative and weaving of dialogue with thoughts and actions... ;) Thanx for sharing, sir, and good luck with the book! ;)
That's is a good thing --> That's a good thing OR That is a good thing
they more you'll --> the more you'll
P.S. Just a thought: you should consider putting the last bits of the previous chapter in the beginning so that the reader, even your loyal ones, have a quick 'oh yeah, that's where we were' moment... ;) ;)
Comment Written 15-Oct-2020
reply by the author on 15-Oct-2020
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Thank you very much. That is a very good suggestion.
Comment from Ben B.
Wait, so Paul is considering bringing swords to gun fights? You made it pretty clear that swords are somewhat obsolete. I wonder how well this is going to go for Paul.
reply by the author on 15-Oct-2020
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Wait, so Paul is considering bringing swords to gun fights? You made it pretty clear that swords are somewhat obsolete. I wonder how well this is going to go for Paul.
Comment Written 15-Oct-2020
reply by the author on 15-Oct-2020
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What gun fight? Paul is the only one who knows about guns. Valerians do not (at this point). What they have and don't have, technology wise will be revealed over the coming chapters. I can only say, some details that seem small are not. There are clues everywhere.
Thank you.
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Cripes. Sorry! I was thinking of another story. Sort of confused me when Paul considered building that revolver. I really need to start taking notes who's writing what.
Comment from Alcreator Litt Dear
This Chapter has been an interesting, entertaining and pleasant read, the taletelling about positivism, progressive plot development, happy ending; well said, well done; thanks for sharing this, ALCREATOR
reply by the author on 15-Oct-2020
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This Chapter has been an interesting, entertaining and pleasant read, the taletelling about positivism, progressive plot development, happy ending; well said, well done; thanks for sharing this, ALCREATOR
Comment Written 15-Oct-2020
reply by the author on 15-Oct-2020
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Thank you very much.
Comment from Elizabeth Emerald
As always, your story grabs and holds! Cheers. LIZ
(ally s/b alley; ordering [omit: the] similar gear--better: SAME gear; reword: require capital he didn't have and time Sugg: require time and capital he didn't have)
reply by the author on 15-Oct-2020
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As always, your story grabs and holds! Cheers. LIZ
(ally s/b alley; ordering [omit: the] similar gear--better: SAME gear; reword: require capital he didn't have and time Sugg: require time and capital he didn't have)
Comment Written 15-Oct-2020
reply by the author on 15-Oct-2020
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Thank you very much.
