The God of War
Fable29 total reviews
Comment from Yuan123
Words are so graphic with gruesome detail of of the fight. I can literally see and hear the characters! The poem rhymes so well and makes the story flow. I really enjoyed reading this poem! â?¤ï¸?ð???
reply by the author on 15-Oct-2020
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Words are so graphic with gruesome detail of of the fight. I can literally see and hear the characters! The poem rhymes so well and makes the story flow. I really enjoyed reading this poem! â?¤ï¸?ð???
Comment Written 15-Oct-2020
reply by the author on 15-Oct-2020
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Thank you!
Comment from Iza Deleanu
Your story is so sad but true. We all over the victim of war even when we are winning, because we end up acting like losers. Thank you for sharing and good luck with the contest.
reply by the author on 15-Oct-2020
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Your story is so sad but true. We all over the victim of war even when we are winning, because we end up acting like losers. Thank you for sharing and good luck with the contest.
Comment Written 15-Oct-2020
reply by the author on 15-Oct-2020
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Thank you!
Comment from Michele Harber
This is a very powerful poem, and very frightening in its honesty and its gruesome depictions. Your first two lines make for both a perfect introduction and a perfect summation. You tell a complete story in excellent rhyme, and your words are descriptive enough that the reader is drawn into the plot. Sadly, you're correct that the god of war is never truly satisfied. Your picture and color scheme perfectly complement the storyline and tone of the poem. Excellent job.
reply by the author on 15-Oct-2020
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This is a very powerful poem, and very frightening in its honesty and its gruesome depictions. Your first two lines make for both a perfect introduction and a perfect summation. You tell a complete story in excellent rhyme, and your words are descriptive enough that the reader is drawn into the plot. Sadly, you're correct that the god of war is never truly satisfied. Your picture and color scheme perfectly complement the storyline and tone of the poem. Excellent job.
Comment Written 15-Oct-2020
reply by the author on 15-Oct-2020
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Thank you!
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You're welcome.
Comment from djsaxon
Good work. The AABB rhyme remains strong throughout. The write wants to be an anti war statement but it doesn't quite get there. It is mainly a narrative. No consistent meter per se but that almost supports the piece.
Thanks for sharing - DJ
reply by the author on 15-Oct-2020
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Good work. The AABB rhyme remains strong throughout. The write wants to be an anti war statement but it doesn't quite get there. It is mainly a narrative. No consistent meter per se but that almost supports the piece.
Thanks for sharing - DJ
Comment Written 15-Oct-2020
reply by the author on 15-Oct-2020
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Thank you!
Comment from Fonda Little
My favorite part was, "for in war stories, man will never win.", because it speaks of how war shall always be a loss to humanity!
The Lord led me to these verses after I read this,
Psalm 91:1-8
New International Version
1 Whoever dwells in the shelter of the Most High
will rest in the shadow of the Almighty.
2 I will say of the Lord, "He is my refuge and my fortress,
my God, in whom I trust."
3 Surely he will save you
from the fowler's snare
and from the deadly pestilence.
4 He will cover you with his feathers,
and under his wings you will find refuge;
his faithfulness will be your shield and rampart.
5 You will not fear the terror of night,
nor the arrow that flies by day,
6 nor the pestilence that stalks in the darkness,
nor the plague that destroys at midday.
7 A thousand may fall at your side,
ten thousand at your right hand,
but it will not come near you.
8 You will only observe with your eyes
and see the punishment of the wicked.
reply by the author on 15-Oct-2020
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My favorite part was, "for in war stories, man will never win.", because it speaks of how war shall always be a loss to humanity!
The Lord led me to these verses after I read this,
Psalm 91:1-8
New International Version
1 Whoever dwells in the shelter of the Most High
will rest in the shadow of the Almighty.
2 I will say of the Lord, "He is my refuge and my fortress,
my God, in whom I trust."
3 Surely he will save you
from the fowler's snare
and from the deadly pestilence.
4 He will cover you with his feathers,
and under his wings you will find refuge;
his faithfulness will be your shield and rampart.
5 You will not fear the terror of night,
nor the arrow that flies by day,
6 nor the pestilence that stalks in the darkness,
nor the plague that destroys at midday.
7 A thousand may fall at your side,
ten thousand at your right hand,
but it will not come near you.
8 You will only observe with your eyes
and see the punishment of the wicked.
Comment Written 14-Oct-2020
reply by the author on 15-Oct-2020
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Thank you!
Comment from Dolly'sPoems
A powerful story of war and the battle brings a bloody end to life and has been imbedded in our history for centuries. I think some meter would improve the flow, but I thought the choice of words appropriate, love Dolly x
reply by the author on 15-Oct-2020
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A powerful story of war and the battle brings a bloody end to life and has been imbedded in our history for centuries. I think some meter would improve the flow, but I thought the choice of words appropriate, love Dolly x
Comment Written 14-Oct-2020
reply by the author on 15-Oct-2020
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Thank you!
Comment from palmart
Wow! Your poem impacted me by the opposite! War can be considered like the dark side of men and you depicted its cruelty with poetry, which is definitively a hard task! You put into words shadows of bad situations like "dare knock upon death's door" or "The only mercy was being deceased". The last one has the top impact:"in war stories, man will never win". To add a sound to the poem was for a me another touch to take reader exactly where you wanted to. Good job!
reply by the author on 15-Oct-2020
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Wow! Your poem impacted me by the opposite! War can be considered like the dark side of men and you depicted its cruelty with poetry, which is definitively a hard task! You put into words shadows of bad situations like "dare knock upon death's door" or "The only mercy was being deceased". The last one has the top impact:"in war stories, man will never win". To add a sound to the poem was for a me another touch to take reader exactly where you wanted to. Good job!
Comment Written 14-Oct-2020
reply by the author on 15-Oct-2020
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Thank you!
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You´re welcome, Writer!!
Comment from RShipp
'This tale contains neither hope nor glory.' (What an appropriate line about 'war'.)
'Soon, the walls fell, and in we came,
stalking and hunting men like game.'
(Such simple words- but oh so descriptive! Great turn of phrase with these words!)
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reply by the author on 14-Oct-2020
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'This tale contains neither hope nor glory.' (What an appropriate line about 'war'.)
'Soon, the walls fell, and in we came,
stalking and hunting men like game.'
(Such simple words- but oh so descriptive! Great turn of phrase with these words!)
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 14-Oct-2020
reply by the author on 14-Oct-2020
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Thank you.
Comment from Y. M. Roger
Such a powerfully worded offering here - well done with your phrasings! ;) You have a good, strong aabb rhyme scheme, but your rhythm is bumpy and uneven throughout. I would suggest, perhaps, starting by counting syllables per line and establishing a pattern for each verse so that your poem 'flows' or 'sings' for the reader to follow smoothly through (see below for one example, there are MANY!).... Wonderfully pleasing visual presentation! ;) Thanx for sharing and best of luck at the polls! ;)
[written in 8/8/8/8]
A blood moon rose that final night,
Foretold of dark and bloody fight.
Men with no faith in tomorrow,
just words for those lost in sorrow.
~
Much too brave they were to turn back,
knowing they'd die in the attack.
Each would commit their all and more,
and dare to knock upon death's door.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 14-Oct-2020
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Such a powerfully worded offering here - well done with your phrasings! ;) You have a good, strong aabb rhyme scheme, but your rhythm is bumpy and uneven throughout. I would suggest, perhaps, starting by counting syllables per line and establishing a pattern for each verse so that your poem 'flows' or 'sings' for the reader to follow smoothly through (see below for one example, there are MANY!).... Wonderfully pleasing visual presentation! ;) Thanx for sharing and best of luck at the polls! ;)
[written in 8/8/8/8]
A blood moon rose that final night,
Foretold of dark and bloody fight.
Men with no faith in tomorrow,
just words for those lost in sorrow.
~
Much too brave they were to turn back,
knowing they'd die in the attack.
Each would commit their all and more,
and dare to knock upon death's door.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 14-Oct-2020
reply by the author on 14-Oct-2020
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Thank you, but at doesn't work for telling a contextual story. Those lines are flowery but are not grammatically correct.
Pure poetry is about conveying more emotion than. But story poem requires more on linguistic side.
Again, thank you for your insights.
