Murder One
Jury Duty - Is she telling the truth?78 total reviews
Comment from redrider6612
Great story, well told, nice twist at the end. You did a great job of creating a believable case with a great conclusion. The reason for the 4 is because you wrote it in present tense. I feel strongly that the story would read much better in past tense.
A couple minor nits:
proffers -- this word doesn't really fit in the context it is used
Dane's brother[,] stands in for Dane
All in all, very well done. Best wishes in the contest.
reply by the author on 15-Sep-2008
   |
Great story, well told, nice twist at the end. You did a great job of creating a believable case with a great conclusion. The reason for the 4 is because you wrote it in present tense. I feel strongly that the story would read much better in past tense.
A couple minor nits:
proffers -- this word doesn't really fit in the context it is used
Dane's brother[,] stands in for Dane
All in all, very well done. Best wishes in the contest.
Comment Written 15-Sep-2008
reply by the author on 15-Sep-2008
-
Thank you so much for the review! I have corrected both nits you mentioned! :-)
As far as the tense goes, what can I say? I'm practising for the next Legend Press contest! LOL One reviewer liked it better because it was written in present tense. I can't win for losing, I guess! :-)
Jan
Comment from Lady & Louis
BANG!
That's one hell of an ending, Jan!
I was enjoying the story all through (like the "you've watched too much LA Law" line, heheh) and that ending was just terrific!
This sort of suggests a longer story, y'know ...
Good dialogue, great description (especially the opening run-in with the Bulldog) and a very nifty story all round. Yes, there's a couple of bits of spag, but they're minor.
I say, focusing my attention on Susan, still twisting her napkin in those slender, white fingers. - Susan or Seven? Susan's the defendant, and she wouldn't be in view when the jury was deliberating, would she?
It was like staring at Dane, the second." - might be worth making this Dane the Second, or even Dane II, since it's reading like a title.
They called it 'Vior Dire,' or, 'to speak the truth.' - Voir Dire
Really enjoyable read, my dear, good luck in the contest!
Love,
Louise
reply by the author on 15-Sep-2008
|
BANG!
That's one hell of an ending, Jan!
I was enjoying the story all through (like the "you've watched too much LA Law" line, heheh) and that ending was just terrific!
This sort of suggests a longer story, y'know ...
Good dialogue, great description (especially the opening run-in with the Bulldog) and a very nifty story all round. Yes, there's a couple of bits of spag, but they're minor.
I say, focusing my attention on Susan, still twisting her napkin in those slender, white fingers. - Susan or Seven? Susan's the defendant, and she wouldn't be in view when the jury was deliberating, would she?
It was like staring at Dane, the second." - might be worth making this Dane the Second, or even Dane II, since it's reading like a title.
They called it 'Vior Dire,' or, 'to speak the truth.' - Voir Dire
Really enjoyable read, my dear, good luck in the contest!
Love,
Louise
Comment Written 15-Sep-2008
reply by the author on 15-Sep-2008
-
Ah, my dear Louise! Thank you so much and I have corrected the nits. Duh, on the Susan instead of Seven! :-)
Hugs,
Jan
Comment from lathunder
Great job, as always. I enjoyed all the twists and turns, and thought it was well written. You thought about all the details and it was a great story. I'm so glad she convinced them and at the same time, got a bit of revenge in there as well. Perfect. :)
L.A.Thunder
reply by the author on 15-Sep-2008
|
Great job, as always. I enjoyed all the twists and turns, and thought it was well written. You thought about all the details and it was a great story. I'm so glad she convinced them and at the same time, got a bit of revenge in there as well. Perfect. :)
L.A.Thunder
Comment Written 15-Sep-2008
reply by the author on 15-Sep-2008
-
Thank you! :-) I am thrilled to hear how much you enjoyed it.
Jan
Comment from darkmoonbaby
Jan,
This was simply amazing! I completely adored your way of convincing me that he was guilty! I found no errors or mistakes. Great write!
DMB
reply by the author on 15-Sep-2008
 |
Jan,
This was simply amazing! I completely adored your way of convincing me that he was guilty! I found no errors or mistakes. Great write!
DMB
Comment Written 15-Sep-2008
reply by the author on 15-Sep-2008
-
Thank you!!! I can't tell you just how much I appreciate your wonderful rating and review! :-)
Hugs,
Jan
Comment from Shane Marquardt
Move over "12 Angry Men."
This was great. You had a plot that rocked and I was mesmerized throughout the entire read. It was one of those that you don't want to put down.
And I loved the ending.
The only suggestion I had came early. Everything else looked clean.
Great job.
""We'll be here all night, no, we'll be here another week, thanks to you (perhaps make this two sentences).
reply by the author on 15-Sep-2008
|
Move over "12 Angry Men."
This was great. You had a plot that rocked and I was mesmerized throughout the entire read. It was one of those that you don't want to put down.
And I loved the ending.
The only suggestion I had came early. Everything else looked clean.
Great job.
""We'll be here all night, no, we'll be here another week, thanks to you (perhaps make this two sentences).
Comment Written 15-Sep-2008
reply by the author on 15-Sep-2008
-
LOL Thank you! I have never heard of 12 Angry Men but you are the second reviewer to mention it, so it's about time I found out more! I am honored by your comments!
I will take a look at the sentence you mentioned! Thanks for the heads up. :-)
Jan
Comment from SilverFoxes
Great twist, never saw it coming. Good dialogue, I really wish you luck in the contest. What else can I say? I always enjoy your work. I'm listening to heavy metal music that I'm sure your goats would enjoy, btw. Subway to Sally - Tanz auf dem Vulkan.
reply by the author on 15-Sep-2008
|
Great twist, never saw it coming. Good dialogue, I really wish you luck in the contest. What else can I say? I always enjoy your work. I'm listening to heavy metal music that I'm sure your goats would enjoy, btw. Subway to Sally - Tanz auf dem Vulkan.
Comment Written 15-Sep-2008
reply by the author on 15-Sep-2008
-
Thank you so much! Glad you enjoyed it. I am sure the goats would like your music! :-)
Jan
Comment from adewpearl
I like the idea of the observant juror who notices little things others in the courtroom don't because she pays attention and because of where she sits - I like even more the surprise ending when we find out her true motivation. I didn't see it coming, and I like endings that get the best of me!
reply by the author on 15-Sep-2008
|
I like the idea of the observant juror who notices little things others in the courtroom don't because she pays attention and because of where she sits - I like even more the surprise ending when we find out her true motivation. I didn't see it coming, and I like endings that get the best of me!
Comment Written 15-Sep-2008
reply by the author on 15-Sep-2008
-
Thank you! :-) I am really glad you enjoyed it!
Jan
Comment from c_lucas
Very well written with one overlooked detailed. The form that potential jurors has to feel out. Obviously, you had to lie to get on the jury. Good job, otherwise.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 15-Sep-2008
|
Very well written with one overlooked detailed. The form that potential jurors has to feel out. Obviously, you had to lie to get on the jury. Good job, otherwise.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 15-Sep-2008
reply by the author on 15-Sep-2008
-
She didn't lie to get on the jury. She was in the witness protection program which means her identity was changed. So she simply gave her correct name and nobody was the wiser. As far as knowing the defendant - she didn't. She only knew the husband of the defendant. I know, it's a stretch but it is a story! Thanks for the review. :-)
Jan
-
Thank you for the update.
Comment from babylonia
jan,
this is great. made me smile. made me laugh. easy to read and follow. no spaggies do i see. imagery is excellent. i am laughing again. keep up the good work~
good luck~
love,
barbara
reply by the author on 15-Sep-2008
|
jan,
this is great. made me smile. made me laugh. easy to read and follow. no spaggies do i see. imagery is excellent. i am laughing again. keep up the good work~
good luck~
love,
barbara
Comment Written 15-Sep-2008
reply by the author on 15-Sep-2008
-
Thank you so much! :-) Glad you liked it.
Jan
-
jan,
you are very welcome~
love,
barbara
Comment from OldVet
Thought I had you on a major flaw until you mentioned the plastic surgery. Still, I'm not too sure someone in the witness program would be on a jury. Good story though.
Suggestions:
eye-witness [eyewitness]
Dane on the other [hand--"]
D.N.A. is usually DNA.
'Vior Dire', ['Vior Dire,' Commas inside.]
coffee-machine [no hyphen]
pit-bull [I thiink it's pitbull]
Good old twin brother, Daryl [Either a comma after Daryl or none before.]
reply by the author on 15-Sep-2008
|
Thought I had you on a major flaw until you mentioned the plastic surgery. Still, I'm not too sure someone in the witness program would be on a jury. Good story though.
Suggestions:
eye-witness [eyewitness]
Dane on the other [hand--"]
D.N.A. is usually DNA.
'Vior Dire', ['Vior Dire,' Commas inside.]
coffee-machine [no hyphen]
pit-bull [I thiink it's pitbull]
Good old twin brother, Daryl [Either a comma after Daryl or none before.]
Comment Written 15-Sep-2008
reply by the author on 15-Sep-2008
-
Thank you! I will go through and correct those nits. :-) Someone in witness protection probably wouldn't be on a jury, but on the other hand, she had her appearance altered by plastic surgery, so why not?
I really appreciate your kindness in pointing out all those nits I can't believe I missed! :-)
Jan
