Adrift
a contest entry about loneliness122 total reviews
Comment from JW
It was good to hear that your marriage is not falling apart. In reading your very well written poem, one would automatically be drawn to that conclusion. Good job.
reply by the author on 07-Jun-2011
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It was good to hear that your marriage is not falling apart. In reading your very well written poem, one would automatically be drawn to that conclusion. Good job.
Comment Written 07-Jun-2011
reply by the author on 07-Jun-2011
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Evening, Jonathon - Thanks for taking the time to read & comment on my poem, Adrift.
Have a great week - sherry
Comment from angel123
Your love poem is written with deep emotion and I enjoyed reading it. It held my attention and your artwork choice is great!
Angel123
reply by the author on 07-Jun-2011
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Your love poem is written with deep emotion and I enjoyed reading it. It held my attention and your artwork choice is great!
Angel123
Comment Written 07-Jun-2011
reply by the author on 07-Jun-2011
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Hi Angel123 - Thanks for taking the time to read & comment on my poem, Adrift.
Have a great week - sherry
Comment from juliaSjames
What a magnificent picture of isolation in your first two lines, "Lying here alone,
Night after night by your side," - these poignant words resonate.
This is an impressive tanka, Sherry, written in perfect form. The turn in the third line is very well done. It blends with the theme of estrangement, while introducing the weather metaphor that ends the write.
Best of luck in the contest.
reply by the author on 07-Jun-2011
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What a magnificent picture of isolation in your first two lines, "Lying here alone,
Night after night by your side," - these poignant words resonate.
This is an impressive tanka, Sherry, written in perfect form. The turn in the third line is very well done. It blends with the theme of estrangement, while introducing the weather metaphor that ends the write.
Best of luck in the contest.
Comment Written 07-Jun-2011
reply by the author on 07-Jun-2011
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Hi Julia - Thanks for taking the time to read & critique my poem, Adrift. I love getting reviews of this sort - they let me know what it is about my writing people feel I'm doing right (or wrong, as the case may be). Again - thanks for your time and effort!
Have a great week - sherry
Hope you're enjoying the summer, Sherry. It was a pleasure to review your work. julia
Comment from dejohnsrld (Debbie)
This poem gives so much emotion-glad it isn't true that your marriage is going down the toilet. They say women are moody, but I know a few men who are much worse. Well written with lots of feeling1!! Debbie
reply by the author on 07-Jun-2011
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This poem gives so much emotion-glad it isn't true that your marriage is going down the toilet. They say women are moody, but I know a few men who are much worse. Well written with lots of feeling1!! Debbie
Comment Written 07-Jun-2011
reply by the author on 07-Jun-2011
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Afternoon, Debbie - Thanks for taking the time to read & comment on my poem, Adrift. They can be moody, can't they!?!
Have a great week - sherry
Comment from adewpearl
Sherry, your poem is in good syllable count and structure for the tanka form
I really like the simile of love that has grown cold being like the tattered sails of a storm-shattered boat.
You convey intense emotions most effectively. Brooke
reply by the author on 07-Jun-2011
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Sherry, your poem is in good syllable count and structure for the tanka form
I really like the simile of love that has grown cold being like the tattered sails of a storm-shattered boat.
You convey intense emotions most effectively. Brooke
Comment Written 07-Jun-2011
reply by the author on 07-Jun-2011
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Hi Again Brooke - Thanks so much for taking the time to read & critique my work. Glad you enjoyed it!
have a great week - sherry
Comment from Judian James
This is very well done. The first two lines actually brought chills! I think I might consider changing out "hot" to describe your tears, as it's been used thousands of times before. I'd try for something more original. I think your last line is superb. "Tattered sails" will not work.
reply by the author on 07-Jun-2011
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This is very well done. The first two lines actually brought chills! I think I might consider changing out "hot" to describe your tears, as it's been used thousands of times before. I'd try for something more original. I think your last line is superb. "Tattered sails" will not work.
Comment Written 07-Jun-2011
reply by the author on 07-Jun-2011
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Afternoon, Judian - Thanks for taking the time to read & critique my poem, Adrift. Coming from someone of your standing the positive comments & stars means a lot to me. Thanks for your confirmation that 'tattered sails' was not the best choice - I'll try hard not to rub that in Bill's face ;) I'll take a look at the other line & see what I might can come up with ... Again, thanks for taking the time to read & critique!
Have a great week - sherry
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Oh, you misunderstood. I was taking your words "tattered sails" and agreeing that when sails are tattered they can't sail ... an excellent metaphor for a marriage not flowing in the winds of change.
Sorry I was unclear. The only thing I'd consider changing is "hot" to describe your tears.
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Gotcha! Well, I guess that's on my mind because I swapped 'tattered' and 'shattered' around several (like, ah, about 30) times trying to decide which word I liked in which position. And for the life of me I am at a loss as to what to use instead of 'hot' - I'll keep thinking about that one ...
hugs - sherry
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The possibilities are endless:
"old" "cold" "lost" Just anything but "hot tears" too cliched ... I like the double meaning of "lost tears" Oh, and now that you mention it, I like "shattered like storm-tattered sails" even better!
Comment from Econ Teacher
That's good that you aren't having marriage problems. It is very common for men to cope by going into seclusion a little. I am sure as a woman it must be very difficult to feel "shut out". Though not fair or necessarily kind, it is not maliciously done.
reply by the author on 07-Jun-2011
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That's good that you aren't having marriage problems. It is very common for men to cope by going into seclusion a little. I am sure as a woman it must be very difficult to feel "shut out". Though not fair or necessarily kind, it is not maliciously done.
Comment Written 07-Jun-2011
reply by the author on 07-Jun-2011
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Thanks for taking the time to read & comment on my poem, Adrift. And yes, I know it's a common thing with guys, it had just never dragged on like this little spell seemed to - of course it didn't help that I was going through a rough time myself - feeling fat, missing grandbabies, a general blah ... Again - thanks for reading & the rating!
Have a great week - sherry
Comment from Des Beirne
Thanks for the authors notes!
I really like this tanka it carries a great deal of depth in its thirty-one syllables. I can understand why people might think your marriage is falling apart, it's that powerful a piece.
Good luck in the contest.
Des
reply by the author on 07-Jun-2011
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Thanks for the authors notes!
I really like this tanka it carries a great deal of depth in its thirty-one syllables. I can understand why people might think your marriage is falling apart, it's that powerful a piece.
Good luck in the contest.
Des
Comment Written 07-Jun-2011
reply by the author on 07-Jun-2011
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Afternoon, Des - Thanks for taking the time to read & comment on my poem, Adrift. I hadn't intended to put that in my author's notes, however there had been so many comments I figured I had better clarify things. Thank you for thinking that the piece is powerful - it's not necessarily my favorite piece I've written, but it's certainly close.
Have a great week - sherry
Comment from Akarva
A very nice poem that deals with a true situation of domestic disharmony between you but as how couples mostly cope you have coped well and wrote this poem for us. A heartfelt one.
reply by the author on 07-Jun-2011
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A very nice poem that deals with a true situation of domestic disharmony between you but as how couples mostly cope you have coped well and wrote this poem for us. A heartfelt one.
Comment Written 07-Jun-2011
reply by the author on 07-Jun-2011
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Thanks for taking the time to read & comment on my poem, Adrift.
Have a great week - sherry
Comment from cheery blossom
Good work. I know the feeling. Imaginations can play havocs with reality but time usually takes care of times like this (thank goodness). Poem follows rules of this type of poetry, reads smoothly. Keep up the good work, Cheery.
reply by the author on 07-Jun-2011
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Good work. I know the feeling. Imaginations can play havocs with reality but time usually takes care of times like this (thank goodness). Poem follows rules of this type of poetry, reads smoothly. Keep up the good work, Cheery.
Comment Written 07-Jun-2011
reply by the author on 07-Jun-2011
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Morning, Cheery - Thanks for taking the time to read & comment on my poem, Adrift. It seemed like everyone thought my relationship was in trouble, so I went back in a changed my author's notes :) Thanks again for reading and your kind comments!
Have a great week - sherry
