Paranormal Adventures
Viewing comments for Chapter 7 "Engarde"Case Studies of Hauntings
56 total reviews
Comment from barbara.wilkey
I enjoyed reading your post. It was a good addtion to your previous post.
So, unless they think you're a moth or another bat with the hots, you should be okay." (I laughed at this line. Maybe I wasn't supposed to, but I'm not into supernatural fiction.)
Grasping Emma's arm, Mia leaned in to her ear, (period here not a comma)
reply by the author on 17-Jun-2011
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I enjoyed reading your post. It was a good addtion to your previous post.
So, unless they think you're a moth or another bat with the hots, you should be okay." (I laughed at this line. Maybe I wasn't supposed to, but I'm not into supernatural fiction.)
Grasping Emma's arm, Mia leaned in to her ear, (period here not a comma)
Comment Written 17-Jun-2011
reply by the author on 17-Jun-2011
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Hi, barbara. I'm glad you caught the humor of that line. Only one other reviewer mentioned it LOL. Thanks for your interest and taking time out to offer your generous rating. I will make the correction as suggested - THANKS! Bev
Comment from closetpoetjester
Do you have a freaking degree in Biology as well Miss Genus Species?? Hahaha...this chapter cracked me up in parts...
this bit I LOL:
"So, unless they think you're a moth or another bat with the hots, you should be okay."
Another great chapter my friend. Some great subtle sexual tension between Luke and Emma and your concise telling style coupled up with great verbs and adjectives send the reader hurtling along on this dangerous spirit driven journey with you...more creepy feelings with the figure at the window and obviously it was NOT the maid. You sure know how to end a chapter and leave the reader dangling. I also liked the description of her morphing into his image as she disappeared...fantastic job and I shall continue reading in the DAY time. LOL Keep em coming. I'm too involved now to bail on you! Hahaha, kidding, I love your story, most of all because it feels plausible. If it read like a crock of BS I'd be gone, gone, gone.
Cheers closet xoxo
reply by the author on 17-Jun-2011
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Do you have a freaking degree in Biology as well Miss Genus Species?? Hahaha...this chapter cracked me up in parts...
this bit I LOL:
"So, unless they think you're a moth or another bat with the hots, you should be okay."
Another great chapter my friend. Some great subtle sexual tension between Luke and Emma and your concise telling style coupled up with great verbs and adjectives send the reader hurtling along on this dangerous spirit driven journey with you...more creepy feelings with the figure at the window and obviously it was NOT the maid. You sure know how to end a chapter and leave the reader dangling. I also liked the description of her morphing into his image as she disappeared...fantastic job and I shall continue reading in the DAY time. LOL Keep em coming. I'm too involved now to bail on you! Hahaha, kidding, I love your story, most of all because it feels plausible. If it read like a crock of BS I'd be gone, gone, gone.
Cheers closet xoxo
Comment Written 16-Jun-2011
reply by the author on 17-Jun-2011
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Hi, buddy. Thanks for being the only reviewer to remark on my bat line! I have a weird sense of humor - can't tell a joke for the life of me - so your appreciation really tickles me! hehehe I'm trying to get a good amount of creepy detail without going over the top. That's not easy on this site. With Gungalo's dark club, there's been some really awesome, grisly descriptions put out there. So, to read that you find the story scary really delights and encourages me. Wow, it's a lot easier to scare folks with the use of visuals, I think...never thought it would be so challenging to write out. You are so wonderful to take time out to reach my chapters when you are probably inundated with tons of reviews on your own to answer. Your loyalty is deep and true, closet. I hope the people in your life appreciate that about you. XXXX Bev
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Thanks Bev and yes this is definitely starting to spook me out with some of your nifty descriptions.
I thankyou for your beautiful response and this was a well deserved sixer just like the other. Yeah, my family appreciate me at times...just not all the time. But I guess I take them for granted too so we're even. Sorry but I've kinda had a crappy week. I am really enjoying your story though...look forward to the next chapter.
Cheers closet xoxo
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Me again and Ooops I said this was a sixer write when it was the tanka I gave the other sixer too...sorry bud, I'm dazed and confoosed this week! Hahaha
This was STILL an excellent chapter.
Closet x
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Hey, I never even noticed! I'm a little dazed right now, too. AlvinT has three of us writing a group tanka. OMG, hard enough for me to please myself LOL!! Love ya, buddy. Bev
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I so appreciate your support, closet. Your words make my heart sing..LALLALALAL You are the awesomest friend. Hugs, Bev
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You're too sweet Bev. Thankyou right back.
XXXX Closet
Comment from Jonesy
Overall I felt this was fine, but might need a bit more detail to help readers picture the scene. The last paragraph is a good example. When the apparition turns into a man, there's not enough there for me to really "see" that. Tight, specific details would help.
Something else to consider is a couple sentences are pretty passive in tone, and a couple others a bit hard too read from a rhythm standpoint.
Small things though. The rating may not reflect it, but see the talent here.
***Fresh tracks from a SUV could clearly be seen. ***
Don't consider a big deal because didn't notice any passive writing to this point, but might consider making this more active voice
***A disturbing crash had come from the back...***
Subjective, but don't think this sentence has great rhythm.
***Behind the wheel was a figure resting the edge of a hand holding a cigarette on the partially rolled-down window***
Another that's somewhat difficult to read
***Standing alongside the van,***
Wasn't Emma previously in the van? I didn't read where she got out. Just the two men
***that had been silhouetting the woman's figure ***
Noticeably passive
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 15-Jun-2011
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Overall I felt this was fine, but might need a bit more detail to help readers picture the scene. The last paragraph is a good example. When the apparition turns into a man, there's not enough there for me to really "see" that. Tight, specific details would help.
Something else to consider is a couple sentences are pretty passive in tone, and a couple others a bit hard too read from a rhythm standpoint.
Small things though. The rating may not reflect it, but see the talent here.
***Fresh tracks from a SUV could clearly be seen. ***
Don't consider a big deal because didn't notice any passive writing to this point, but might consider making this more active voice
***A disturbing crash had come from the back...***
Subjective, but don't think this sentence has great rhythm.
***Behind the wheel was a figure resting the edge of a hand holding a cigarette on the partially rolled-down window***
Another that's somewhat difficult to read
***Standing alongside the van,***
Wasn't Emma previously in the van? I didn't read where she got out. Just the two men
***that had been silhouetting the woman's figure ***
Noticeably passive
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 15-Jun-2011
reply by the author on 15-Jun-2011
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Thanks for your review. I'll certainly take a look at the passages you mention.
Comment from WilliamDeen
Good work. Well written and an enjoyable read. Good intrigue, descriptions, imagery, and detail.
One item.
You wrote: "Jeez, I feel like a lamb being led the slaughter," Luke remarked.
Think it should be: "Jeez, I feel like a lamb being led to the slaughter," Luke remarked.
Good work! billy
reply by the author on 15-Jun-2011
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Good work. Well written and an enjoyable read. Good intrigue, descriptions, imagery, and detail.
One item.
You wrote: "Jeez, I feel like a lamb being led the slaughter," Luke remarked.
Think it should be: "Jeez, I feel like a lamb being led to the slaughter," Luke remarked.
Good work! billy
Comment Written 15-Jun-2011
reply by the author on 15-Jun-2011
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Hi, billy. Thank you for catching the SPAG. I love it when authors with a sharp eye review my stories. Thanks, also, for taking the time to read the chapter and support it. You are most generous! Warm regards, Bev
Comment from bookishfabler
I simply love ghost stories. I love ghosts. I also love the name of the hotel. tipsey butler. how cute. A job well done. I'm guessing you may watch Ghost Hunters? Love them. Looking forward to more of these.
hugs book
reply by the author on 15-Jun-2011
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I simply love ghost stories. I love ghosts. I also love the name of the hotel. tipsey butler. how cute. A job well done. I'm guessing you may watch Ghost Hunters? Love them. Looking forward to more of these.
hugs book
Comment Written 15-Jun-2011
reply by the author on 15-Jun-2011
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Hi, book. Thanks for your time and interest in my chapter. Yes, I do watch all of the paranormal adventure series' - particuarly the one on sci-fi. I also dabble it in locally, so I share some of my own experiences. Ghosts are quite predictable in some ways...particlularly if they are demonic in nature. Glad you are a fellow lover of the supernatural. Thanks so much, once again, for your generous review and for reading the chapter. Warm regards, Bev
Comment from jehanned
This flows well, develops character and plot, and utilizes dialogue well. The settings are clear, and the focus is easy to maintain.
reply by the author on 14-Jun-2011
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This flows well, develops character and plot, and utilizes dialogue well. The settings are clear, and the focus is easy to maintain.
Comment Written 14-Jun-2011
reply by the author on 14-Jun-2011
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Thank you so much, jehanned. I very much appreciate your time and interest today. You are most generous and gracious! Warm regards, Bev
Comment from JW
This is another well written chapter and it will make a great addition to your story. One could easily see the action taking place and cannot help but wonder what is going to happen next. Good job. JW
reply by the author on 14-Jun-2011
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This is another well written chapter and it will make a great addition to your story. One could easily see the action taking place and cannot help but wonder what is going to happen next. Good job. JW
Comment Written 14-Jun-2011
reply by the author on 14-Jun-2011
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Hi, Jonathon. Thanks a lot for your great review! I really appreciate the support...especially coming from you! Take care, Bev
Comment from InterestingRon
Hi Bev
This chapter is beautifully constructed. Classic haunted house.
The opening dialogue, with hints of dark tunnels and nasty bats, sets the scene. The arrival and vision of a ghost - with a nice cliffhanger ending as the evil man materializes.
I smiled at the mention of a photographic memory. A friend of mine always claimed he had one - but sometimes forgot to put the film in! Use that if you like. It's a good idea to tart bland statements up if possible.
Your novel is really zipping along, Bev. Can't wait for the next chapter.
Ron xox
reply by the author on 14-Jun-2011
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Hi Bev
This chapter is beautifully constructed. Classic haunted house.
The opening dialogue, with hints of dark tunnels and nasty bats, sets the scene. The arrival and vision of a ghost - with a nice cliffhanger ending as the evil man materializes.
I smiled at the mention of a photographic memory. A friend of mine always claimed he had one - but sometimes forgot to put the film in! Use that if you like. It's a good idea to tart bland statements up if possible.
Your novel is really zipping along, Bev. Can't wait for the next chapter.
Ron xox
Comment Written 14-Jun-2011
reply by the author on 14-Jun-2011
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Hi, Ron. Thanks so much! I love that line...it's one of the things that I am trying to develop better skills in ... 'tarting up bland statements'...so well said. My new mantra! Thanks for reading the chapter and, as always, your generosity in helping me to make it better. Glad you liked it! Waremest regards, Bev
Comment from Cletus Hardiman
Another good write..... I know about bootleggers....Where I grew up there were a lot of them.....!!!! Thanks for sharing this good one! Cletus Hardiman Clete
reply by the author on 14-Jun-2011
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Another good write..... I know about bootleggers....Where I grew up there were a lot of them.....!!!! Thanks for sharing this good one! Cletus Hardiman Clete
Comment Written 14-Jun-2011
reply by the author on 14-Jun-2011
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Thanks so much Clete. When researching the history of Maine, I found the state had lots of the illegal activity, called them rum-runners, sometimes. I actually like that term better, but then it means something quite different in other countries. I keep forgetting how international this site is! Thanks so much for your awesome review, Clete. Best wishes, Bev
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Yes, I have noticed that "Most" of the things that people don't understand that I have written are from people from other countries! It is definitely International! Clete
Comment from IndianaIrish
Wow, Bev, this is a great chapter that is creepy ... but I loved it. What a great ending hook that really makes me wish the next chapter was already posted! Great chapter!
Karyn :>)
reply by the author on 14-Jun-2011
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Wow, Bev, this is a great chapter that is creepy ... but I loved it. What a great ending hook that really makes me wish the next chapter was already posted! Great chapter!
Karyn :>)
Comment Written 13-Jun-2011
reply by the author on 14-Jun-2011
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Hi, Karyn. Thanks so much for your awesome review. Glad you liked the chapter, my friend. I'm starting to get into the meat now, but want to keep things real. Sort of, What Would Agatha Think? LOL. Much appreciate your time and interest, my friend. Warm regards, Bev
