Along the Jericho Road
Viewing comments for Chapter 7 "A Hota Moon, Part 2 "Murder Mystery
46 total reviews
Comment from sweetwoodjax
this is very well written, writingfundimension, you did a great job writing this chapter and i can't wait to be a fly on the wall when the cheriff finds out who leaked information about the case and then you left me a mystery of what the sheriff found on the wall. and how many rosarys are in the killer's collection
reply by the author on 21-Apr-2012
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this is very well written, writingfundimension, you did a great job writing this chapter and i can't wait to be a fly on the wall when the cheriff finds out who leaked information about the case and then you left me a mystery of what the sheriff found on the wall. and how many rosarys are in the killer's collection
Comment Written 21-Apr-2012
reply by the author on 21-Apr-2012
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Oh, man, that guy is gonna get the wrath of God! Thanks for your interest in my story and taking time to send along your words of suppport, sweetwoodjax. Blessings, Bev
Comment from Gungalo
Oh you just gave me a big clue girl. I can't wait to find out if it is so. Pink rosary beads eh? Oh this is so good girl and I love it.
reply by the author on 20-Apr-2012
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Oh you just gave me a big clue girl. I can't wait to find out if it is so. Pink rosary beads eh? Oh this is so good girl and I love it.
Comment Written 20-Apr-2012
reply by the author on 20-Apr-2012
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Thanks for your awesome review, Gungalo. I so appreciate your support for this story. Warm regards, Bev
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Yeah yeah, hurry up so I can find out if I am right. LOL.
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A gentle reminder that I am only on Chapter 7! hehehe
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THIS I know. Hehehe.
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:) xxxx
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Sigh l....
Comment from wordsfromsue
What a great chapter! I really enjoyed all of the developments and the descriptions - down to the gray hairs sprouting from the mother's chin.
Eddie'll be killing his own mother before too long, from the sound of it. She ought to go to the nursing home while she still has the chance!
Great, taut writing. A little more detail about the sheriff's personal life would be cool.
reply by the author on 20-Apr-2012
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What a great chapter! I really enjoyed all of the developments and the descriptions - down to the gray hairs sprouting from the mother's chin.
Eddie'll be killing his own mother before too long, from the sound of it. She ought to go to the nursing home while she still has the chance!
Great, taut writing. A little more detail about the sheriff's personal life would be cool.
Comment Written 20-Apr-2012
reply by the author on 20-Apr-2012
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Hi, Sue. I'll try to get into a little more of the Sheriff's manly qualities in the next chapter just for you! I love this review and really appreciate your extreme generosity. Really warms my heart. Hugs, Bev
Comment from Rob Caudle
BEST YET WAHOO WHAT A READ!!!!!!!!! I loved this one start to finish. You have got his genre down cold, and ooh icky Eddie. Bev, this was a treat to read. The best I have read for weeks! Not one suggestion to make, just keep writing. This, as I have said before, is exactly the kind of book I would buy. When its published I will send my copy to you for a signature. Really superb writing.
Rob
reply by the author on 20-Apr-2012
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BEST YET WAHOO WHAT A READ!!!!!!!!! I loved this one start to finish. You have got his genre down cold, and ooh icky Eddie. Bev, this was a treat to read. The best I have read for weeks! Not one suggestion to make, just keep writing. This, as I have said before, is exactly the kind of book I would buy. When its published I will send my copy to you for a signature. Really superb writing.
Rob
Comment Written 20-Apr-2012
reply by the author on 20-Apr-2012
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Thank you so much, Rob. This one took me forever to get written. I just couldn't find the right balance, so your words mean so much to me! Thanks so much, Rob, for your really generous review and support. Means a lot. Warmest regards, Bev
Comment from mumsyone
Hi Bev,
Another good chapter. Good to read something well-written and logical after some of the poetry I've been reviewing! Hugs...Lois
His pulsed (pulse) revved in anticipation of a killer in plain sight.
The mortuary van pulled away from the curb(,) revealing a covey of reporters moving en masse in his direction.
He pasted on his official spokesperson face, confiscated a microphone(,) and delivered a statement of his department's preliminary findings.
"At approximately eight o'clock this morning, officers responded to an anonymous tip,(no comma) and entered the home of Debra Padget(,) where her remains were discovered.
He, then,(no commas before or after 'then') placed the picture frame in a plastic evidence bag(,) thinking perhaps Father Brian could provide information on the missing photograph.
A visual sweep of the kitchen and other rooms offered nothing new;(,) and he was about to leave;(omit ;) when, on a hunch, he decided to step into the bedroom one more time.
Immediately his attention was pulled to an area,(no comma) just above the head of the bed,
He knelt on the stripped mattress, pulled out an (a) utility light and illuminated the area in question.
reply by the author on 20-Apr-2012
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Hi Bev,
Another good chapter. Good to read something well-written and logical after some of the poetry I've been reviewing! Hugs...Lois
His pulsed (pulse) revved in anticipation of a killer in plain sight.
The mortuary van pulled away from the curb(,) revealing a covey of reporters moving en masse in his direction.
He pasted on his official spokesperson face, confiscated a microphone(,) and delivered a statement of his department's preliminary findings.
"At approximately eight o'clock this morning, officers responded to an anonymous tip,(no comma) and entered the home of Debra Padget(,) where her remains were discovered.
He, then,(no commas before or after 'then') placed the picture frame in a plastic evidence bag(,) thinking perhaps Father Brian could provide information on the missing photograph.
A visual sweep of the kitchen and other rooms offered nothing new;(,) and he was about to leave;(omit ;) when, on a hunch, he decided to step into the bedroom one more time.
Immediately his attention was pulled to an area,(no comma) just above the head of the bed,
He knelt on the stripped mattress, pulled out an (a) utility light and illuminated the area in question.
Comment Written 20-Apr-2012
reply by the author on 20-Apr-2012
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Hey, Lois. Thank you so very much for your thorough and helpful review. I've made the changes except for one: I believe (an) works before (utility) based on the old rule of (an) before vowels a,e,i,o,u. Am I incorrect on that?
Hugs, Bev
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Looked it up just to make sure. My book says: "The article a is used before all consonant sounds, including a sounded h, a long u, and an o with sound of w (as in one). So it should be 'a utility'.
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Okay, that makes sense and sounds better, Lois. I'm going by the rules handed down by the nuns some fifty years ago. My how times have changed LOL. Xxx Bev
Comment from judiverse
You keep the chills coming, Bev. You have a good presentation of Derek in this. He is determined to do a good job and because he is working on his personal issues he lets his officers have a chance to get to the suspect and question him. The way you show the crowd and how rumors begin to spread among them is quite realistic. The reporter's revelation that she got information from one of Derek's men is definitely bad news. The scene between Eddie and his mother is good. Even Mom thinks they're something off about her son. You leave us in suspense and wanting more with Derek finding something of interest and wants to consult with Father Brian, who's just received another mysterious call. judi
reply by the author on 20-Apr-2012
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You keep the chills coming, Bev. You have a good presentation of Derek in this. He is determined to do a good job and because he is working on his personal issues he lets his officers have a chance to get to the suspect and question him. The way you show the crowd and how rumors begin to spread among them is quite realistic. The reporter's revelation that she got information from one of Derek's men is definitely bad news. The scene between Eddie and his mother is good. Even Mom thinks they're something off about her son. You leave us in suspense and wanting more with Derek finding something of interest and wants to consult with Father Brian, who's just received another mysterious call. judi
Comment Written 20-Apr-2012
reply by the author on 20-Apr-2012
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Thanks, judi. I'm finding myself liking the Derek character and wanting to showcase the splendid detectives in real life who never give up on solving a crime. Real heroes in my book.
Thanks so much for your awesome review and support, my friend. I really appreciate it.
Warm regards, Bev
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I watch a lot of TV mysteries, and it seems like there are always annoying reporters, leaks to the press and the public spreading rumors about the case. Good stuff! judi
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Thanks again, my friend. I'm a detective station junkie. I learn a lot from watching them. Take care! Bev
Comment from AprilShower
Well done, Bev. It's a good mystery. I wonder if the discovery had something to do with the Pink rosary. Sounds like someone will be in trouble for leaking information which was to be kept quiet.
April
reply by the author on 20-Apr-2012
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Well done, Bev. It's a good mystery. I wonder if the discovery had something to do with the Pink rosary. Sounds like someone will be in trouble for leaking information which was to be kept quiet.
April
Comment Written 20-Apr-2012
reply by the author on 20-Apr-2012
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Thanks so much for your generous review, April. I appreciate the support! Warm regards, Bev
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You're welcome, welcome, Bev.
Comment from Connie C
Oh, Bev, how creepy this Eddie guy is. I love the tone of this last part--really pretty scary. Your dialogue between Eddie and his mom is what makes this work so well, and his bringing out the pink rosary beads really did it for me! I like how you italicize the sheriff's thoughts. I saw no spags at all but did see one typo: first line after the second set of asterisks. You have "Father Brain." You are doing a superb job with this, my friend, and I look forward to reading more. You are quite the mystery writer. I am still on the road but am stopping in from time to time to review some of my favorites, you, of course, being one of them. Lots of hugs to you. Connie
reply by the author on 20-Apr-2012
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Oh, Bev, how creepy this Eddie guy is. I love the tone of this last part--really pretty scary. Your dialogue between Eddie and his mom is what makes this work so well, and his bringing out the pink rosary beads really did it for me! I like how you italicize the sheriff's thoughts. I saw no spags at all but did see one typo: first line after the second set of asterisks. You have "Father Brain." You are doing a superb job with this, my friend, and I look forward to reading more. You are quite the mystery writer. I am still on the road but am stopping in from time to time to review some of my favorites, you, of course, being one of them. Lots of hugs to you. Connie
Comment Written 20-Apr-2012
reply by the author on 20-Apr-2012
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Hello, Connie! I hope you are having a great vacation. You are so kind to take time out to so generously review my chapter. I'm trying not to think about the fact that I seem a little too comfortable digging around inside the head of a serial killer, but I really enjoyed writing that last section LOL. Thanks for letting me know what you liked in this chapter. That's always so helpful. And, I have corrected Father Brain! hehehe
Much appreciated, Connie
Hugs, Bev
Comment from Kate Walker
Hi Bev,
Another great chapter. Every scene works well.
In the very first paragraph you set up / re-establish your character's chapter goal with: 'He would move heaven and earth to find her killer.' To date you've done this every time with every character. Which has alerted me to the fact that it's something I need to be vigilant about as well - early set up of each important character's chapter goal.
That opening scene had nice details too that gave it immediacy such as: 'Pressed against the crime scene tape..."
Lovely interaction from the onlookers, showing a variety of very human responses to the shock of murder. And you laid another plot hook with: 'the perpetrator could be among them'.
So Sheriff Oleson's got ISSUES to work on too, apart from his earlier romantic ones? That's good. I remember reading somewhere that each character should have a story goal and a personal goal, and here's his personal goal: 'he'd promised his shrink he would 'work' on his control issues'.
Oleson's emotional response to the media scrum added value to his character, in that he can control his outrage and remain articulate as well. It also added another hook (a leak) and another personal issue for Oleson ('not in complete control of his people').
The quick scene / telephone call to Father Brian served its purpose by advancing the plot with: 'the killer called me again'.
And the scene at the end with Eddie and his mother was just plain creepy / chilling. The fact that he has the rosary doesn't necessarily make him the killer but it we join those two dots regardless. I'm betting it's a red herring. No need to answer that. I love Agatha Christie's work and I like spotting the red herrings.
A couple of small things that struck me while reading:
* you wrote 'he was about to leave when a small voice told him...' I wasn't keen on the phrase 'a small voice'. I felt it was a little too New Age for the character of Oleson. I'd have preferred 'something just told him' or 'a hunch told him'.
* The term 'Unsub' I thought was a typo until I got to the glossary at the end. 'Unsub' is not one of the usual crime related terms the average reader would know. You handled CSU well by very quickly including 'Crime Scene Unit' in the text immediately following. But without a glossary, the term 'unsub' might continue to look like an error. See what other readers think.
The story's moving nicely. It's heartening to know that even with a week between chapters the reader can pick up on all that's gone before.
Cheers, Kate
reply by the author on 20-Apr-2012
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Hi Bev,
Another great chapter. Every scene works well.
In the very first paragraph you set up / re-establish your character's chapter goal with: 'He would move heaven and earth to find her killer.' To date you've done this every time with every character. Which has alerted me to the fact that it's something I need to be vigilant about as well - early set up of each important character's chapter goal.
That opening scene had nice details too that gave it immediacy such as: 'Pressed against the crime scene tape..."
Lovely interaction from the onlookers, showing a variety of very human responses to the shock of murder. And you laid another plot hook with: 'the perpetrator could be among them'.
So Sheriff Oleson's got ISSUES to work on too, apart from his earlier romantic ones? That's good. I remember reading somewhere that each character should have a story goal and a personal goal, and here's his personal goal: 'he'd promised his shrink he would 'work' on his control issues'.
Oleson's emotional response to the media scrum added value to his character, in that he can control his outrage and remain articulate as well. It also added another hook (a leak) and another personal issue for Oleson ('not in complete control of his people').
The quick scene / telephone call to Father Brian served its purpose by advancing the plot with: 'the killer called me again'.
And the scene at the end with Eddie and his mother was just plain creepy / chilling. The fact that he has the rosary doesn't necessarily make him the killer but it we join those two dots regardless. I'm betting it's a red herring. No need to answer that. I love Agatha Christie's work and I like spotting the red herrings.
A couple of small things that struck me while reading:
* you wrote 'he was about to leave when a small voice told him...' I wasn't keen on the phrase 'a small voice'. I felt it was a little too New Age for the character of Oleson. I'd have preferred 'something just told him' or 'a hunch told him'.
* The term 'Unsub' I thought was a typo until I got to the glossary at the end. 'Unsub' is not one of the usual crime related terms the average reader would know. You handled CSU well by very quickly including 'Crime Scene Unit' in the text immediately following. But without a glossary, the term 'unsub' might continue to look like an error. See what other readers think.
The story's moving nicely. It's heartening to know that even with a week between chapters the reader can pick up on all that's gone before.
Cheers, Kate
Comment Written 20-Apr-2012
reply by the author on 20-Apr-2012
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Hi, Kate. Thanks for the awesome and so-helpful review. I agree about the 'hunch', it sounds better. Unsub is used quite a lot these days on American crime shows, but I have to remember there's a wider audience, so thanks for pointing that out.
As always, I really appreciate your generous review and support, Kate.
Kind regards, Bev
Comment from Sloegin
A lot of information in your chapter. In the second paragraph, "she squealed" brought my read to a stop. I'd try a different word there. "his pulse revved" is a good line.
Though the rest is mostly telling, you did get your message across.
Your scene between Eddy and his mother was the high point of the chapter. The line, "his gaze was fixed on the multiple gray hairs that stuck out from her chin like sprouts from a rotting potato." does nothing to move the story along. It just takes up space.
YOur ending was great.
Sloegin
reply by the author on 20-Apr-2012
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A lot of information in your chapter. In the second paragraph, "she squealed" brought my read to a stop. I'd try a different word there. "his pulse revved" is a good line.
Though the rest is mostly telling, you did get your message across.
Your scene between Eddy and his mother was the high point of the chapter. The line, "his gaze was fixed on the multiple gray hairs that stuck out from her chin like sprouts from a rotting potato." does nothing to move the story along. It just takes up space.
YOur ending was great.
Sloegin
Comment Written 20-Apr-2012
reply by the author on 20-Apr-2012
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Thank you for your review, Sloegin. I appreciate your suggestions and will, certainly, consider them. Bev
