Run
Boys go to carnival to see wolfman.30 total reviews
Comment from Rosalyne
Hi GWHARGIS,
Your story's fun and exciting and definitely fitted for the genres wanted today.
Some suggestions:
Your opener provided great visuals of time and place. What I'd change is the opener "it." You want to grab the reader with what's called a "hook or a bang."
I noticed throughout your story that you switch between present and past tenses. You might find it easier to stick with the past tense, especially since Harry shared his experience.
I liked the line, "The night air holds a hint of honeysuckle bloom as we walk." Great description.
Can you add more of this in your story? What are the streets like, passing cars, pedestrians walking, animal noises during the night?
Can you give more visuals in regard to the circus, the smells, such as cotton candy, the crowds, the noise of the rides, music and the hustle and bustle? What expressions are on the faces among the crowd, happy, angered or scared? (etc.)
I really liked how you described Harry in the end. I could envision him as a werewolf, his fangs, coarse hair and changing body. Well done.
I wanted more of a reaction from Joe. Is he shocked, stunned, did his curiosity override common sense?
I liked the way you ended the story, leaving it up to the readers' imagination.
"Run" is a good story, one that built with suspense throughout. Best of luck with your submission to Writers Digest.
Bye
Rosalyne
reply by the author on 23-Jul-2013
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Hi GWHARGIS,
Your story's fun and exciting and definitely fitted for the genres wanted today.
Some suggestions:
Your opener provided great visuals of time and place. What I'd change is the opener "it." You want to grab the reader with what's called a "hook or a bang."
I noticed throughout your story that you switch between present and past tenses. You might find it easier to stick with the past tense, especially since Harry shared his experience.
I liked the line, "The night air holds a hint of honeysuckle bloom as we walk." Great description.
Can you add more of this in your story? What are the streets like, passing cars, pedestrians walking, animal noises during the night?
Can you give more visuals in regard to the circus, the smells, such as cotton candy, the crowds, the noise of the rides, music and the hustle and bustle? What expressions are on the faces among the crowd, happy, angered or scared? (etc.)
I really liked how you described Harry in the end. I could envision him as a werewolf, his fangs, coarse hair and changing body. Well done.
I wanted more of a reaction from Joe. Is he shocked, stunned, did his curiosity override common sense?
I liked the way you ended the story, leaving it up to the readers' imagination.
"Run" is a good story, one that built with suspense throughout. Best of luck with your submission to Writers Digest.
Bye
Rosalyne
Comment Written 21-Jul-2013
reply by the author on 23-Jul-2013
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I had to use the opening line as the prompt said. The word limit was 700 words. I will definitely take your suggestions to heart if I expand on this one. Thank you very much for the wonderful review. Gretchen
Comment from Quillian
Sweet little tale. The conversation between Joe and Harry was so believable as was the tormenting between the older brother and the younger. I think the concept was really good and I liked the walking to the Circus at night, And oh that walk back home. Thriller.
reply by the author on 23-Jul-2013
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Sweet little tale. The conversation between Joe and Harry was so believable as was the tormenting between the older brother and the younger. I think the concept was really good and I liked the walking to the Circus at night, And oh that walk back home. Thriller.
Comment Written 21-Jul-2013
reply by the author on 23-Jul-2013
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Thank you very much. Gretchen
Comment from humpwhistle
I like this story a lot. I wonder though, if you could make it more obvious in the beginning that Harry is telling his story while leading Joe to the circus. That doesn't become clear until the paragraph that begins "The night air holds..." As it stands, the first part of the story has no setting.
Good luck in the WD prompt.
Peace, Lee
It was on a bright and starry night (when?) the traveling circus...
First sentence: It was--past tense.
Second sentence:
I'm not--present tense.
reply by the author on 23-Jul-2013
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I like this story a lot. I wonder though, if you could make it more obvious in the beginning that Harry is telling his story while leading Joe to the circus. That doesn't become clear until the paragraph that begins "The night air holds..." As it stands, the first part of the story has no setting.
Good luck in the WD prompt.
Peace, Lee
It was on a bright and starry night (when?) the traveling circus...
First sentence: It was--past tense.
Second sentence:
I'm not--present tense.
Comment Written 21-Jul-2013
reply by the author on 23-Jul-2013
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Thank you for the helpful suggestions. Thank you very much for the great review. Gretchen
Comment from amahra
Wow, you are really, really good. That was a fantastic story. I had butterflies in my stomach. If your book is anything like this story, "I'm buying." LOL!
Just a couple of things below:
Harry's voice fell [falls] to a whisper as he leans in close.
"Wolf boy reaches out, grabs me in his claw like [claw-like] hands
reply by the author on 21-Jul-2013
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Wow, you are really, really good. That was a fantastic story. I had butterflies in my stomach. If your book is anything like this story, "I'm buying." LOL!
Just a couple of things below:
Harry's voice fell [falls] to a whisper as he leans in close.
"Wolf boy reaches out, grabs me in his claw like [claw-like] hands
Comment Written 21-Jul-2013
reply by the author on 21-Jul-2013
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Thank you for the wonderful review and for catching the spags. I went back and corrected them. Thank you again. Gretchen
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you're very welcome. And congrates for having your story published in Conceit.
Comment from Curtis Hatch
Gretchen,
The story is excellent and convincing. It just the kind of thing big brothers do to scare the younger more gullible ones. Fortunately, I was the older brother, but I got a belt used on my backside several times for such antics.
Curtis
reply by the author on 21-Jul-2013
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Gretchen,
The story is excellent and convincing. It just the kind of thing big brothers do to scare the younger more gullible ones. Fortunately, I was the older brother, but I got a belt used on my backside several times for such antics.
Curtis
Comment Written 21-Jul-2013
reply by the author on 21-Jul-2013
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Sisters do it as well. I was the little sister though. Liked your response to this. thank you for the great review. Gretchen
Comment from Pearl Edwards
My feedback is I enjoyed this read, and the ending. I wasn't really expecting that ending, but it works well. Great descriptions when Harry is telling Joe part of his story, you put the reader right there with them walking along.
reply by the author on 21-Jul-2013
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My feedback is I enjoyed this read, and the ending. I wasn't really expecting that ending, but it works well. Great descriptions when Harry is telling Joe part of his story, you put the reader right there with them walking along.
Comment Written 21-Jul-2013
reply by the author on 21-Jul-2013
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Thank you for the wonderful review and the great rating. Gretchen
Comment from firdousy
woh! Thats call horror and thriller
A scary short story.. but I am feeling
bad for Harry.. the last scene was painful..
but I enjoyed it a lot..I always like the stories
of warewolves and vampire..
Thanks for sharing it.
reply by the author on 21-Jul-2013
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woh! Thats call horror and thriller
A scary short story.. but I am feeling
bad for Harry.. the last scene was painful..
but I enjoyed it a lot..I always like the stories
of warewolves and vampire..
Thanks for sharing it.
Comment Written 21-Jul-2013
reply by the author on 21-Jul-2013
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Thank you for the wonderful review and the nice comments. Gretchen
Comment from nancy_e_davis
I [I'm]not too keen on going, but I can't show
"What do I do?" "What should I do"
LOL Well Gretchen that was certainly different! I really wasn't expecting that from you. Well done. Nancy
So much for friendship huh Gretchen. Run Joe Run.
Good Job Gretchen... xsx nancy
reply by the author on 21-Jul-2013
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I [I'm]not too keen on going, but I can't show
"What do I do?" "What should I do"
LOL Well Gretchen that was certainly different! I really wasn't expecting that from you. Well done. Nancy
So much for friendship huh Gretchen. Run Joe Run.
Good Job Gretchen... xsx nancy
Comment Written 21-Jul-2013
reply by the author on 21-Jul-2013
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Thank you, Nancy. Went back and corrected the spag. Thank you for the great review. Gretchen
Comment from Craigitar
Very well written and engaging story. It propelled me along, as a good story should, to see how it ends. Believable dialogue and good imagery. Great twist at the end. One correction: "... three miles from home. (I), (I'm) not too keen on going, but I..." Great job.
reply by the author on 21-Jul-2013
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Very well written and engaging story. It propelled me along, as a good story should, to see how it ends. Believable dialogue and good imagery. Great twist at the end. One correction: "... three miles from home. (I), (I'm) not too keen on going, but I..." Great job.
Comment Written 21-Jul-2013
reply by the author on 21-Jul-2013
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Thank you for the spag alert. Went back and corrected. Thank you for the great review. Gretchen
Comment from sweetwoodjax
this is very well written, gwhargis, you did an excellent job writing this story about the boy who found out his brother was a werewolf and he was warned to run. i enjoyed reading it. congrats on your being published
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reply by the author on 21-Jul-2013
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this is very well written, gwhargis, you did an excellent job writing this story about the boy who found out his brother was a werewolf and he was warned to run. i enjoyed reading it. congrats on your being published
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 21-Jul-2013
reply by the author on 21-Jul-2013
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Thank you for the congratulations and thank you for the great review. Gretchen
