Special Delivery
Somebody knows . . . somebody always knows.71 total reviews
Comment from stormwolf2
Hi Bob, Wow! This was a horrific chiller. Talk about just deserts. The story was fast paced with plenty of everything. The imagery was wonderful and I felt a chill at all the gore. You certainly have done a great job with this type of genre.
Nothing more to say, I think the 6 speaks for itself. you should certainly write more like this.
Well done my friend.
Best wishes,
Malcolm
reply by the author on 01-Nov-2009
  |
Hi Bob, Wow! This was a horrific chiller. Talk about just deserts. The story was fast paced with plenty of everything. The imagery was wonderful and I felt a chill at all the gore. You certainly have done a great job with this type of genre.
Nothing more to say, I think the 6 speaks for itself. you should certainly write more like this.
Well done my friend.
Best wishes,
Malcolm
Comment Written 01-Nov-2009
reply by the author on 01-Nov-2009
-
Thanks so much, Malcom...I actually prefer this genre...and I read it a lot. But, I need inspiration to compete in order to give it my all for some reason...LOl...Thanks for the great sixer too...Bob
-
It was well deserved. Please write more. :-)
Comment from BPL76
This is good
The flow is good
It works well with the story line
This has just the right amount of detail
Good Job
Good read
BPL............................................................................
reply by the author on 01-Nov-2009
 |
This is good
The flow is good
It works well with the story line
This has just the right amount of detail
Good Job
Good read
BPL............................................................................
Comment Written 01-Nov-2009
reply by the author on 01-Nov-2009
-
Thanks so much for your review, BPL What did you think of Charlie's influence in the story? Just curious. Bob
Comment from Rain Chapman
LOL! Two heads are better than one would have been awesome. I love the idea that there is someone out there who knows what he's done and was willing to serve up some justice. Even of the Halloween variety. Gory and vivid, definitely horror/thriller. I envy you this, I usually stop just short of really scary parts. Couple things for you to take a peek at. Mostly just my opinion, so feel free to disregard anything that does not work for you.
Running, he vaulted over the bed and smashed her in the head with the hammer. - Just a suggestion, either - smashed in her head or smashed her head - it could be just me, but when I hear 'in the head'I tend to think of mental problems, like he was not quite right in the head. Hope that makes sense.
- In the paragraph starting with the sentence above I have a couple of suggestions. The first one was passed on to me by another writer on this site who I trust. When writing a visually and emotionally intense scene like this one, use short sentences. Like Norman Bates in the shower scene. Stab. Stab. Stab. Shorter sentences build the tension and move things along quickly. The other thing is I noticed the use of 'like' for comparisons. This is a very useful tool in description but slows this part down being used so frequently in such a short space. For example -
Blood spurted like water from a ruptured garden hose and splattered his entire body with each swing. - Blood spurted. A spray of ruby droplets marked him with every swing. - It does not have to be this. This is just to illustrate. There are quite a few 'like' phrases scattered throughout the story.
- "Where in the hell do you think you're going, Needle Dick?" - nick-names and such do not need to be capitalized.
- One eye hung out of its socket, the other was macerated into her skull. - just had to tell you that I love this line, it is hugely vivid!
- He tossed the gun and hammer on the bed and grabbed a flashlight from the nightstand, then he turned to go downstairs. - I've been told to avoid using 'and' twice in any sentence unless it is to emphasize a point. -
He tossed the gun and hammer on the bed. Before heading to go downstairs he grabbed a flashlight from the nightstand. - still your words, just shuffled a bit to lose the double and.
Well, Bob, I hope some of this makes sense and is of some use to you, lol. Great premise for the story with some truly wonderful imagery. I could almost smell the fall leaves and moist earth when he was burying the body parts. You have created a true monster with the main character. Excellent work and best of luck, my friend!
Lorraine :)
PS. I'll be rereading the other one tomorrow, it is almost bedtime here. Happy Halloween!
reply by the author on 01-Nov-2009
|
LOL! Two heads are better than one would have been awesome. I love the idea that there is someone out there who knows what he's done and was willing to serve up some justice. Even of the Halloween variety. Gory and vivid, definitely horror/thriller. I envy you this, I usually stop just short of really scary parts. Couple things for you to take a peek at. Mostly just my opinion, so feel free to disregard anything that does not work for you.
Running, he vaulted over the bed and smashed her in the head with the hammer. - Just a suggestion, either - smashed in her head or smashed her head - it could be just me, but when I hear 'in the head'I tend to think of mental problems, like he was not quite right in the head. Hope that makes sense.
- In the paragraph starting with the sentence above I have a couple of suggestions. The first one was passed on to me by another writer on this site who I trust. When writing a visually and emotionally intense scene like this one, use short sentences. Like Norman Bates in the shower scene. Stab. Stab. Stab. Shorter sentences build the tension and move things along quickly. The other thing is I noticed the use of 'like' for comparisons. This is a very useful tool in description but slows this part down being used so frequently in such a short space. For example -
Blood spurted like water from a ruptured garden hose and splattered his entire body with each swing. - Blood spurted. A spray of ruby droplets marked him with every swing. - It does not have to be this. This is just to illustrate. There are quite a few 'like' phrases scattered throughout the story.
- "Where in the hell do you think you're going, Needle Dick?" - nick-names and such do not need to be capitalized.
- One eye hung out of its socket, the other was macerated into her skull. - just had to tell you that I love this line, it is hugely vivid!
- He tossed the gun and hammer on the bed and grabbed a flashlight from the nightstand, then he turned to go downstairs. - I've been told to avoid using 'and' twice in any sentence unless it is to emphasize a point. -
He tossed the gun and hammer on the bed. Before heading to go downstairs he grabbed a flashlight from the nightstand. - still your words, just shuffled a bit to lose the double and.
Well, Bob, I hope some of this makes sense and is of some use to you, lol. Great premise for the story with some truly wonderful imagery. I could almost smell the fall leaves and moist earth when he was burying the body parts. You have created a true monster with the main character. Excellent work and best of luck, my friend!
Lorraine :)
PS. I'll be rereading the other one tomorrow, it is almost bedtime here. Happy Halloween!
Comment Written 01-Nov-2009
reply by the author on 01-Nov-2009
-
Hi, Lorraine...Sorry I am so late. I have been so darned busy today for some reason...Anyway, I thank you so much fro this fantastic, in depth review. You have helped immensely...in fact I never did know the true answer about capitalizing names of endearment such as "honey" and "baby" Thank you, thank you! The "like" usage or similies are necessary in all good writing as are metaphors...The only thing I think I'm guilty of is using too many in this piece and I intend to change that right this minute...LOL..Thanks again so much...Be sure tolet me know about the other one when and if you have time...It will also be appreciated,, believe me...XX Bob
-
I like to use like too, there is just no other word quite like it, lol. But the big one I personally struggle with not using too much is 'as' - as soon as - as if she were stuck - as they ran - I can find a place in almost any sentence to use as in, lol.
You did use like a few times but the only place I 'noticed' it was in that paragraph. I think it was used three times. I would not even worry about the other ones at all.
Take care, Bob.
Lorraine :)
-
Dar, Lorraine...I eliminate the one about the garden hose, blood deal...but I don't see that in a para with two others...that was th eone you mentioned...Not to bother you some more, but can you tell me where that was with th ethree so I can cut it back...LOL...Thanks so much...What a sweetheart you are...Bob
-
Swinging it like a tennis racket, with a good forehand, he got his back and shoulder into it. The hammer scored with a double shock, hard, then soft, like knocking a hole in a plaster wall. -- These couple sentences were right above the one with the blood hose. Hope this helps. And I don't mind at all. I've had others on the site do it for me so I love having the chance to do if for someone else. :)
-
Bless you....I already had taken the hose one out after your comments yesterday...I can only imagine how you are gonna clobber my other one...LOL...Take care...Bob (Just kidding you are very kind, believe me, Lorraine...
Comment from Teri7
Bob, I wish I had six stars to give you for this great Halloween story you have penned. You used very good descriptive wording and imagery. I love the sensual wording you used and the title. Good luck. Hugs, Teri
reply by the author on 31-Oct-2009
|
Bob, I wish I had six stars to give you for this great Halloween story you have penned. You used very good descriptive wording and imagery. I love the sensual wording you used and the title. Good luck. Hugs, Teri
Comment Written 31-Oct-2009
reply by the author on 31-Oct-2009
-
Aww.Haven't heard fromyou for awile, Teri...Thanks so much for your kind words and virtual six...Bob
-
I am happy to be back around Bob. I do love your work. Hugs, Teri
Comment from RebelRose
Man, that is spooky. I like the original title you were going to use. This is good and really held my interest from beginning to end. Good contest entry.
reply by the author on 31-Oct-2009
|
Man, that is spooky. I like the original title you were going to use. This is good and really held my interest from beginning to end. Good contest entry.
Comment Written 31-Oct-2009
reply by the author on 31-Oct-2009
-
Thanks, Rose. What do you think of the part Charlie played in my story...? Bob
-
Well, Charlie coming to the door made me wonder if that was just something you put in to prolong the mystery or if Charlie did indeed follow Tony and thus return the 'special delivery' to his doorstep. It made one wonder if Charlie was incidental or a major part, thus adding to the mystery.
-
Very good, Rose...No, Charlie was just an enhancer for the suspense and mystery...do you think it worked? Good if it did...Bless you...Bob
-
Yeah. That's what I thought, just an incidental element to enhance the mystery. I do think it worked.
-
:D Thanks for all your time...The fiend who delivered the heads is unknown...but that's the point...isn't it? Bob
Comment from Cali Girl
Brilliant, scary story. The story flowed well, and the suspense stayed tight up to the end.
Well done, and good luck with the contest.
reply by the author on 31-Oct-2009
|
Brilliant, scary story. The story flowed well, and the suspense stayed tight up to the end.
Well done, and good luck with the contest.
Comment Written 31-Oct-2009
reply by the author on 31-Oct-2009
-
Well, thanks so much Cali Girl. Great review...Bob
Comment from peiroll
Hi Bob - this was such an enjoyable read! I am normally too much of a scaredy cat to read horror, but I could not stop! Your original title is much cleverer although it would have given your ending away! :)
Very nice!
x Pei
reply by the author on 31-Oct-2009
|
Hi Bob - this was such an enjoyable read! I am normally too much of a scaredy cat to read horror, but I could not stop! Your original title is much cleverer although it would have given your ending away! :)
Very nice!
x Pei
Comment Written 31-Oct-2009
reply by the author on 31-Oct-2009
-
And that's exactly why I changed the title, Pei...What a sweet review..Bless you...Bob
Comment from Laidy
i thought that this was a great thriller story. this was interesting how he just hammered her and used the gun for her boyfriend. this was a great write.
reply by the author on 31-Oct-2009
|
i thought that this was a great thriller story. this was interesting how he just hammered her and used the gun for her boyfriend. this was a great write.
Comment Written 31-Oct-2009
reply by the author on 31-Oct-2009
-
Thanks, Laidy. although I never heard a bludeoning with a hammer called interesting...LOL..(Just teasing) What did you think of the Charlie character? Bob
-
i thought charlie was a little off. i was actually surprised he had just come over there to say hi and not because the shots were heard. but i think i will have to take this from chapter one. this was a really great chapter though. yeah, i like violence in books or sexual scenes. it gives books rushes you know, and you had both,lol. -laidy
-
i got that wrong there isnt a before chapter but this could be a great!!!! book. heads up, with a before and that chapter a middle and add an ending, yes this would be a best seller no lie!!!
-
This is not a book, honey...It's a short story for the Halloween contest. Bob
-
Yes, Please please let me know what you think after you re-read...Thanks so much...Bob
Comment from Cairn Destop
At first I was concerned about reading this with the warning message, but it wasn't all that bad. The language was appropriate for the situation, so no problem. Did not spot any SPAG while reading. Liked how the two heads just popped up on his porch. Makes you wonder how they got there.
reply by the author on 31-Oct-2009
|
At first I was concerned about reading this with the warning message, but it wasn't all that bad. The language was appropriate for the situation, so no problem. Did not spot any SPAG while reading. Liked how the two heads just popped up on his porch. Makes you wonder how they got there.
Comment Written 31-Oct-2009
reply by the author on 31-Oct-2009
-
Thanks, Cairn...Where in the world have you been? Missed you. I appreciate your input...Stay in touch ..Bob
Comment from cheyennewy
Hi Bob....yikes you are in great form with this story. I really wanted to read the ending before I got to it but I promise I didn't. You kept me on the edge of my seat with this one. The sex scenes are so explicit I had to take more than one cold shower! ( just kidding...I only took one) If this story doesn't win the contest something is terribly wrong with the system. Superb work.....M
reply by the author on 31-Oct-2009
|
Hi Bob....yikes you are in great form with this story. I really wanted to read the ending before I got to it but I promise I didn't. You kept me on the edge of my seat with this one. The sex scenes are so explicit I had to take more than one cold shower! ( just kidding...I only took one) If this story doesn't win the contest something is terribly wrong with the system. Superb work.....M
Comment Written 31-Oct-2009
reply by the author on 31-Oct-2009
-
Yeaaaaah! Chey is back! What a wonderful review, my friend. Writing sex scenes is not really my forte, but I struggle through...kinda like riding a bike...you know..You never forget...LOL. Thanks so much, Chey...Bob
