flip flops held in hand: 5-7-5 suite
track memories, not sand, into the house87 total reviews
Comment from Jannypan (Jan)
You did a great job capturing the moment in your haiku suite. I enjoyed reading them. I like the stardust line very well. Good alliteration with the letter s .
I see no changes. Good job and thanks for sharing.
reply by the author on 03-May-2015
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You did a great job capturing the moment in your haiku suite. I enjoyed reading them. I like the stardust line very well. Good alliteration with the letter s .
I see no changes. Good job and thanks for sharing.
Comment Written 03-May-2015
reply by the author on 03-May-2015
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Thank you, jannypan, for your kind review. I am glad you enjoyed my poem.
Comment from judiverse
Excellent descriptive words in this--wet toes trudge gives a great alliterative sound. Nice image of feet dipped in stardust. Tracking the ocean indoors certainly represents memories of the fun time at the beach. In the last line, I was wondering if you meant "sand backs up the tub." I'm not a great fan of going barefoot myself, but I know it's appealing to children. Great work with this. judi
reply by the author on 03-May-2015
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Excellent descriptive words in this--wet toes trudge gives a great alliterative sound. Nice image of feet dipped in stardust. Tracking the ocean indoors certainly represents memories of the fun time at the beach. In the last line, I was wondering if you meant "sand backs up the tub." I'm not a great fan of going barefoot myself, but I know it's appealing to children. Great work with this. judi
Comment Written 03-May-2015
reply by the author on 03-May-2015
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Thank you, Judi, for your kind, detailed review. I checked online usage of the words in question and changed it to "backs up." I am glad my poem appealed to your memories and senses.
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You're very welcome. Glad that change worked for you. judi
Comment from Chrisfiore
Greetings Sis Cat,
Hmmm... Two poems in one sitting. I must be living right. Having lived in sunny, S.W. Florida for 36 years, I can definitely relate to the sights related to in this write. I think you captured them brilliantly with terms such as , "feet dipped in stardust" and "smiles and waves grasp memories". A pleasant read, well done! ;- ) Chrisfiore
reply by the author on 03-May-2015
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Greetings Sis Cat,
Hmmm... Two poems in one sitting. I must be living right. Having lived in sunny, S.W. Florida for 36 years, I can definitely relate to the sights related to in this write. I think you captured them brilliantly with terms such as , "feet dipped in stardust" and "smiles and waves grasp memories". A pleasant read, well done! ;- ) Chrisfiore
Comment Written 03-May-2015
reply by the author on 03-May-2015
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Thank you, Chrisfiore, I am glad my poem brought back memories. Thanks for your review.
Comment from nomi338
The image is indelibly etched now in my own memory. So clear was your description it was like looking at a photograph. That is some good writing my friend. Clearly I am dealing with a pro.
reply by the author on 03-May-2015
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The image is indelibly etched now in my own memory. So clear was your description it was like looking at a photograph. That is some good writing my friend. Clearly I am dealing with a pro.
Comment Written 03-May-2015
reply by the author on 03-May-2015
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Thank you, nomi338, for your kind review. I boarded a bus above a Mexican beach yesterday. I glimpsed "stardust" encrusted bare feet and wrote my poem as the bus drove along a coastal cliff into Puerto Vallarta. I am glad my poem etched images into your memory.
Comment from Delahay
The sparkling of the sand on the feet of children makes it seem almost like fairy dust. Going to the beach as a child can make wonderful memories to cherish later.
reply by the author on 03-May-2015
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The sparkling of the sand on the feet of children makes it seem almost like fairy dust. Going to the beach as a child can make wonderful memories to cherish later.
Comment Written 03-May-2015
reply by the author on 03-May-2015
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Yes, the sparkling sand on children's feet is like fairy dust. Those stardust feet I saw yesterday on a bus above a Mexican beach so inspired me that I wrote my poem as the bus drove us into town. Thanks for your review.
Comment from fastdigits
A musical lullaby of a summer's
day at the beach where children's
memories of the joy of the day
still sparkle at the end of day.
Well done
reply by the author on 03-May-2015
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A musical lullaby of a summer's
day at the beach where children's
memories of the joy of the day
still sparkle at the end of day.
Well done
Comment Written 03-May-2015
reply by the author on 03-May-2015
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Thank you, fastdigits, for your fine review. I wrote the poem so quickly when I saw sand encrusted feet yesterday that I was unaware of the memories my poem evoked until after I wrote it. I reacted to the "stardust" feet around me first.
Comment from dragonpoet
These three linked haikus give a strong image of people at the beach and how sand sticks to you and caused problems if it is thoroughly rinsed off. This makes you feel the carefree emotions of those on a beach on a summer's day.
Keep writing
dragonpoet
reply by the author on 03-May-2015
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These three linked haikus give a strong image of people at the beach and how sand sticks to you and caused problems if it is thoroughly rinsed off. This makes you feel the carefree emotions of those on a beach on a summer's day.
Keep writing
dragonpoet
Comment Written 03-May-2015
reply by the author on 03-May-2015
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dragonpoet, I get teary eyed when I think of those carefree days of summer. I reacted to my sight of the "stardust" encrusted feet first. The memories came second. Thanks for your review.
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You're welcome. We all look back at how easy those days seemed to be.
dragonpoet
Comment from Pantygynt
These are lovely 5-7-5s but are they haiku? I'm totally confused by this Japanese stuff. From what little I know, and it is a little, these seem more like senryu to me because they are about people and their delightful beach experiences. This is not meant as adverse criticism. I genuinely want to know?
reply by the author on 03-May-2015
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These are lovely 5-7-5s but are they haiku? I'm totally confused by this Japanese stuff. From what little I know, and it is a little, these seem more like senryu to me because they are about people and their delightful beach experiences. This is not meant as adverse criticism. I genuinely want to know?
Comment Written 03-May-2015
reply by the author on 03-May-2015
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Thank you, Pantygynt, for your kind review. I also puzzled about how to categorize my poem. I considered senryu but they are about a human emotion while haiku are about the natural world. Like children on the beach, I play with the form and created a hybrid between the two as humans interact with nature. Haiku is a convenient term but may not be accurate in my poem because I am pushing the boundaries. I hope I did not confuse you further.
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That is a very thorough explanation, thank you.
Comment from Janet Foor
I loved your notes. I could almost see what you saw with the children along the beach - feet covered in sand - sparkling in the sun. Lovely haiku suite.
Blessings
Janet
reply by the author on 03-May-2015
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I loved your notes. I could almost see what you saw with the children along the beach - feet covered in sand - sparkling in the sun. Lovely haiku suite.
Blessings
Janet
Comment Written 03-May-2015
reply by the author on 03-May-2015
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Thank you, Janet, for your kind review. The sight of those sparkling feet yesterday inspired me.
Comment from Dorothy Farrell
Hi Sis Cat - three good haiku based on real observations. Haiku l and 2 in good 5/7/5 form. Number 3 almost 5/7/5 - Haiku number 3 only has 4 syllables. The content of the rhymes is lovely. I particularly like your use of metaphor in 'feet dipped in stardust'. Very sweet read. Warm regards Dorothy x
reply by the author on 03-May-2015
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Hi Sis Cat - three good haiku based on real observations. Haiku l and 2 in good 5/7/5 form. Number 3 almost 5/7/5 - Haiku number 3 only has 4 syllables. The content of the rhymes is lovely. I particularly like your use of metaphor in 'feet dipped in stardust'. Very sweet read. Warm regards Dorothy x
Comment Written 03-May-2015
reply by the author on 03-May-2015
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Thank you, Dorothy, for you keen review. I corrected haiku 3. Omissions happen when I post poems at two in the morning.
The sight of those "stardust" covered feet inspired me yesterday. Thanks for your review.
