To a son of God
Viewing comments for Chapter 3 "Pleasure or Pain?"Metre ... Freeverse & Quatrain
69 total reviews
Comment from justatuna
You have a very unique style. I really enjoy your work. This poem was again intelligent and well written. It's different from anything I've read before. I can't give advice on structure. I read for imagery, intelligence and message. You did a great job on all three. Thanks.
reply by the author on 05-Aug-2012
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You have a very unique style. I really enjoy your work. This poem was again intelligent and well written. It's different from anything I've read before. I can't give advice on structure. I read for imagery, intelligence and message. You did a great job on all three. Thanks.
Comment Written 05-Aug-2012
reply by the author on 05-Aug-2012
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Many thanks, much appreciated...
Comment from mumsyone
An interesting take on someone getting a second chance to choose what's right. Most, of course, would choose the pleasure without a second thought, never thinking of the consequences. Nice presentation.
reply by the author on 05-Aug-2012
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An interesting take on someone getting a second chance to choose what's right. Most, of course, would choose the pleasure without a second thought, never thinking of the consequences. Nice presentation.
Comment Written 05-Aug-2012
reply by the author on 05-Aug-2012
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Excellent mumsyone if we really had any idea what sin will cost us in the end I do not think we would be so careless in the first place...
Comment from dragonpoet
The free verse poem gives us the moral that pleasure is fine if taken in moderation. Temptation can lead us to do stupid and dangerous things and sometimes it is too late to stop the bad. But redemption is possible.
The black and red are the colors of evil and darkness and the fires of Hell or the blood spilled.
Keep writing
Joan
reply by the author on 05-Aug-2012
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The free verse poem gives us the moral that pleasure is fine if taken in moderation. Temptation can lead us to do stupid and dangerous things and sometimes it is too late to stop the bad. But redemption is possible.
The black and red are the colors of evil and darkness and the fires of Hell or the blood spilled.
Keep writing
Joan
Comment Written 05-Aug-2012
reply by the author on 05-Aug-2012
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Excellent, much appreciated...although this one is not a free verse but written in pentameter though not iambic.
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I called it free verse because it does not have specific rhyme scheme or follow a specific poem format. I thought it was called blank verse if was unrhymed and in iambic pentameter so it wouldn't be that either.
Joan
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It is actually two syllables per foot made up of five feet, hence, equalling ten or a pentameter, but not iambic pentameter.
The quatrain does not have to be such, with an experimentation on the quatrain rhyme scheme.
Hence, quatrain, four lines per verse. Ten syllables per line, with end rhymes.
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It is actually two syllables per foot made up of five feet, hence, equalling ten or a pentameter, but not iambic pentameter.
The quatrain does not have to be such, with an experimentation on the quatrain rhyme scheme.
Hence, quatrain, four lines per verse. Ten syllables per line, with end rhymes.
Comment from OLA THOMAS
You got this well strings together. Sounds a bit intriguing but true to life and pratical from every angle. 'Somehow the pleasure did not look the same;
Little man bowed before his grave: and prayed.'
Too late to pray.
ola thomas
reply by the author on 05-Aug-2012
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You got this well strings together. Sounds a bit intriguing but true to life and pratical from every angle. 'Somehow the pleasure did not look the same;
Little man bowed before his grave: and prayed.'
Too late to pray.
ola thomas
Comment Written 05-Aug-2012
reply by the author on 05-Aug-2012
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Thats one of the general ideas though I like to think though he did this in a visionary sense he would come out of the shop and think differently...
Comment from honeytree
Very interesting art and words written.
Man has known about pleasure and pain for a long time.
Man has to choose to love or hate.
Man had free will to choose love
Or hate shown towards others.
I liked the following words
"The wages of sin is death."
We all die but we have a choice
To help one another or the alternative hate others.
It is a choice
To be in heaven
Or perish in hell.
Honey tree
reply by the author on 05-Aug-2012
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Very interesting art and words written.
Man has known about pleasure and pain for a long time.
Man has to choose to love or hate.
Man had free will to choose love
Or hate shown towards others.
I liked the following words
"The wages of sin is death."
We all die but we have a choice
To help one another or the alternative hate others.
It is a choice
To be in heaven
Or perish in hell.
Honey tree
Comment Written 05-Aug-2012
reply by the author on 05-Aug-2012
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It is and the phrase The wages of sin is death is the scriptures own words on the matter, or as I like to think Gods authority.
Comment from Sheikspeare
Another dichotomy of a poem which expressed itself to the fullest. We want pleasure at no cost until we are faced with the reality of the truth in small print.
reply by the author on 05-Aug-2012
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Another dichotomy of a poem which expressed itself to the fullest. We want pleasure at no cost until we are faced with the reality of the truth in small print.
Comment Written 05-Aug-2012
reply by the author on 05-Aug-2012
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Excellent, Sheikspeare, sounds like you've been to the shop...
Comment from Penworthy
Interesting depiction of sin and consequences here. Well contrived picture and display.
CONCERNS:
Shouldn't the line: "Enter the shop, inconspicuous blot;" be in quotes?
"Assistant devil gave vice and advised."-- Seems the advise should be shown at this point or the "and advised" should be omitted and more said about the giving of vice.
"Ooooo, pleasure it is!" Said the little man;
"Use it wisely, again and again!"== Put tag on this line
Intrigued he asked, "How much and what's the pain?"-- specify who "he" is for clarity
Assistant devil glared, "I'll send the bill!"-- The lines would be more effective if the speakers were indicated on another occasion or two.
"Flashed across his mind, a banner bold read:"
SUGGEST: Within the man's mind, a bold banner read:
"Little man bowed before his grave: and prayed."
SUGGEST: Little man knelt at his grave site and prayed.
The poem speaks to the psyche and gives one pause to think and be concerned. Well done.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 05-Aug-2012
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Interesting depiction of sin and consequences here. Well contrived picture and display.
CONCERNS:
Shouldn't the line: "Enter the shop, inconspicuous blot;" be in quotes?
"Assistant devil gave vice and advised."-- Seems the advise should be shown at this point or the "and advised" should be omitted and more said about the giving of vice.
"Ooooo, pleasure it is!" Said the little man;
"Use it wisely, again and again!"== Put tag on this line
Intrigued he asked, "How much and what's the pain?"-- specify who "he" is for clarity
Assistant devil glared, "I'll send the bill!"-- The lines would be more effective if the speakers were indicated on another occasion or two.
"Flashed across his mind, a banner bold read:"
SUGGEST: Within the man's mind, a bold banner read:
"Little man bowed before his grave: and prayed."
SUGGEST: Little man knelt at his grave site and prayed.
The poem speaks to the psyche and gives one pause to think and be concerned. Well done.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 05-Aug-2012
reply by the author on 05-Aug-2012
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Penny...not quite sure what planet we're all on, but, the first piece of advice is good but is the narrator supposed to be in quotes...? I quite like it without.
second concern: To describe the vice would disrupt the flow and to describe how to advise someone on how to use their own vice would be a whole epic poem in itself.
third concern: not quite sure what the tag is in aid of, please enlighten.
fourth concern: I thought in the simplicity of the story the reader coud understand that little man would be refered to without actual mention of him.
fifth concern: Assistant devil has already been mentioned.
sixth concern: 1st suggestion is ludicrous when you take the line before and read it as one continious sentence as poetry is supposed to be read.
Seventh concern: 2nd suggestion why does the intention of knelt and site add any specific value to the line as it is quite decernable as it is written.
many thanks,
Bic.
Comment from Amazingelectron
A deep and thoughtful piece of work which uses an imaginery encounter to illustrate an important and central concept of Christian theology. Suddenly a concept that many people take for granted becomes fresh and something new, something to think about. The rythmn and timbre of the poem works too.
reply by the author on 05-Aug-2012
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A deep and thoughtful piece of work which uses an imaginery encounter to illustrate an important and central concept of Christian theology. Suddenly a concept that many people take for granted becomes fresh and something new, something to think about. The rythmn and timbre of the poem works too.
Comment Written 05-Aug-2012
reply by the author on 05-Aug-2012
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It may not be as imaginary as you think,
many thanks,
Bic.
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Oh, I think heaven is real and everything. I mean the actual particular event is imaginery, in the same way the C.S.Lewis didn't really have the letters of a demon to write "The Screwtape Letters" from.
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Well I must agree it is a picture of a reality whether you consider that imaginary, perhaps...anyways why the four that suggests tht there something slightly amiss care to enlighten...please as I like to improve my writting when I can and need to...
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I think technically the divisions of stanzas feels in the wrong place. It might work better as a single verse work. Although I like the rythmn. I agree it is a picture of reality. But the actual event is a literary creation, a metaphor of what is going on everyday.
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I agree with your litery creation, however, as it is an experiment with the quatrain I thought it would be approriate to divide accordigly.
Also, in my mind the division gives the piece a more vibrant and meaningfull dimension as each quatrain takes you from one step of the event to another step of the event, such, giving a real aspect of movemnt.
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Well, its your piece of work so how it flows to you is the most important and I suppose I'm the sort of poet who finds myself constrained by the limits of quatrains and sonnets. So maybe I'm just putting my own personal poetic preferences onto your work. I think the movements there by the way. And I can see where you're going.Just maybe its not phenomenal yet.
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No worries, just inquiring,
much blessings,
Bic.
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I know. I just wanted my replies to be well thought out.
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Excellent,
Much obliged,
Bic.
Comment from Meta~Mark
WOW, this poem is epic.assistant devil- what path will he choose- wow...and these lines are brilliant..the wages of sin is death..Little man as we all feel as our demise..
BRAVO- 10000MM STARS!
reply by the author on 05-Aug-2012
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WOW, this poem is epic.assistant devil- what path will he choose- wow...and these lines are brilliant..the wages of sin is death..Little man as we all feel as our demise..
BRAVO- 10000MM STARS!
Comment Written 05-Aug-2012
reply by the author on 05-Aug-2012
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Excellent M,
...I knew you would approve, I was writting it between talking and reviewing. It came to me as a seed of thought and here you have the finished article...I like it...I was experimenting with the quatrains, enjoy.
