Internet Affair
Two people met over the Internet.140 total reviews
Comment from Soledadpaz
Do you mean plagued?
He paid for the room and the flight? And she doesn't want to come off as easy? I think it'a a little late for that. I guess it's easy for young people to get themselves in these situations these days. People think nothing about having private conversations in public on their cell phones. That boggles the mind.
reply by the author on 16-Jun-2010
  |
Do you mean plagued?
He paid for the room and the flight? And she doesn't want to come off as easy? I think it'a a little late for that. I guess it's easy for young people to get themselves in these situations these days. People think nothing about having private conversations in public on their cell phones. That boggles the mind.
Comment Written 15-Jun-2010
reply by the author on 16-Jun-2010
-
Yes I meant plagued. I need to fix that. Thank you for your kind review.
Comment from hfriscia
This is a really good story...The flow is awesome, I was interested all the way through...You captured the women anxiety with story telling...
reply by the author on 15-Jun-2010
 |
This is a really good story...The flow is awesome, I was interested all the way through...You captured the women anxiety with story telling...
Comment Written 15-Jun-2010
reply by the author on 15-Jun-2010
-
Thank you for your kind review and for the 6 stars.
Comment from DrCarter2001
Hi Barbara, I read through some of your other reviews after reading and I have to say, I do find this very believable. Even though pictures are prevalent in online dating, I'm sure there are still a number of users who prefer not to have their photos all over the internet. Even if he had posted a photo, it's very possible that he could have used a fake picture or one that was 15 years old, and he could have made up any or all of his information (heck, he could really be a woman with a voice changer). So her worry and anticipation are all quite realistic.
I see that several others pointed out the tense and italic confusion so I won't harp on that. I think since you've gotten a flood of reviews you probably haven't had time yet to fix them. One thing I did want to point out, though, is that the back and forth between talking to herself and internal dialogue was both somewhat confusing and felt a little bit atypical. Usually, someone alone might have a long internal debate and then occasionally blurt out something aloud. For her to speak aloud to her this much makes her seem like she might be somewhat mentally unstable. If you disagree or prefer to have her this way for a reason, that's fine and of course your prerogative. I checked again and it's good that you have some action separating internal and spoken monologue. There was one point to check, however: ""Why did I tell him about those dreams?"
"I'm not leaving this room." This looks almost like dialogue between two people. If one character's dialogue continues into the next paragraph, don't use close quotes on the first line ("Why did I tell him about those dreams?
"I'm not leaving this room."). This still seems awkward to me, though, and it feels like there should be something between her self-chastising about discussing her dreams and her decision not to leave the room. Maybe you could move her falling onto the bed until after "...about those dreams?"
I agree with Vanda; the phone call should be somehow relevant. Maybe you're planning to use it in the next section.
Overall, I think you did a good job of creating tension in this scene, using dialogue tags sparingly and making realistic dialogue. The only place I found it somewhat forced was when she described herself in detail through internal dialogue ("He's knows I'm five-foot-six, have red hair, don't have a model's figure"). True, she may have told him all this, but most people don't usually think about themselves in that kind of detail, especially when nervous. You have a ready tool to use: she's staring in a mirror, so she could brush her red hair, comment to herself about how her clothes don't fit right, etc... Or, if you want her to be that self-conscious about her appearance, make sure that it shows in her character throughout the story.
Hope this is helpful! Looking forward to part two. Cheers.
reply by the author on 15-Jun-2010
 |
Hi Barbara, I read through some of your other reviews after reading and I have to say, I do find this very believable. Even though pictures are prevalent in online dating, I'm sure there are still a number of users who prefer not to have their photos all over the internet. Even if he had posted a photo, it's very possible that he could have used a fake picture or one that was 15 years old, and he could have made up any or all of his information (heck, he could really be a woman with a voice changer). So her worry and anticipation are all quite realistic.
I see that several others pointed out the tense and italic confusion so I won't harp on that. I think since you've gotten a flood of reviews you probably haven't had time yet to fix them. One thing I did want to point out, though, is that the back and forth between talking to herself and internal dialogue was both somewhat confusing and felt a little bit atypical. Usually, someone alone might have a long internal debate and then occasionally blurt out something aloud. For her to speak aloud to her this much makes her seem like she might be somewhat mentally unstable. If you disagree or prefer to have her this way for a reason, that's fine and of course your prerogative. I checked again and it's good that you have some action separating internal and spoken monologue. There was one point to check, however: ""Why did I tell him about those dreams?"
"I'm not leaving this room." This looks almost like dialogue between two people. If one character's dialogue continues into the next paragraph, don't use close quotes on the first line ("Why did I tell him about those dreams?
"I'm not leaving this room."). This still seems awkward to me, though, and it feels like there should be something between her self-chastising about discussing her dreams and her decision not to leave the room. Maybe you could move her falling onto the bed until after "...about those dreams?"
I agree with Vanda; the phone call should be somehow relevant. Maybe you're planning to use it in the next section.
Overall, I think you did a good job of creating tension in this scene, using dialogue tags sparingly and making realistic dialogue. The only place I found it somewhat forced was when she described herself in detail through internal dialogue ("He's knows I'm five-foot-six, have red hair, don't have a model's figure"). True, she may have told him all this, but most people don't usually think about themselves in that kind of detail, especially when nervous. You have a ready tool to use: she's staring in a mirror, so she could brush her red hair, comment to herself about how her clothes don't fit right, etc... Or, if you want her to be that self-conscious about her appearance, make sure that it shows in her character throughout the story.
Hope this is helpful! Looking forward to part two. Cheers.
Comment Written 15-Jun-2010
reply by the author on 15-Jun-2010
-
Thank you for your review and I will recheck those areas. I have two reviews from you, but I will only respond to one of them.
Comment from DrCarter2001
Hi Barbara, I read through some of your other reviews after reading and I have to say, I do find this very believable. Even though pictures are prevalent in online dating, I'm sure there are still a number of users who prefer not to have their photos all over the internet. Even if he had posted a photo, it's very possible that he could have used a fake picture or one that was 15 years old, and he could have made up any or all of his information (heck, he could really be a woman with a voice changer). So her worry and anticipation are all quite realistic.
I see that several others pointed out the tense and italic confusion so I won't harp on that. I think since you've gotten a flood of reviews you probably haven't had time yet to fix them. One thing I did want to point out, though, is that the back and forth between talking to herself and internal dialogue was both somewhat confusing and felt a little bit atypical. Usually, someone alone might have a long internal debate and then occasionally blurt out something aloud. For her to speak aloud to her this much makes her seem like she might be somewhat mentally unstable. If you disagree or prefer to have her this way for a reason, that's fine and of course your prerogative. I checked again and it's good that you have some action separating internal and spoken monologue. There was one point to check, however: ""Why did I tell him about those dreams?"
"I'm not leaving this room." This looks almost like dialogue between two people. If one character's dialogue continues into the next paragraph, don't use close quotes on the first line ("Why did I tell him about those dreams?
"I'm not leaving this room."). This still seems awkward to me, though, and it feels like there should be something between her self-chastising about discussing her dreams and her decision not to leave the room. Maybe you could move her falling onto the bed until after "...about those dreams?"
I agree with Vanda; the phone call should be somehow relevant. Maybe you're planning to use it in the next section.
Overall, I think you did a good job of creating tension in this scene, using dialogue tags sparingly and making realistic dialogue. The only place I found it somewhat forced was when she described herself in detail through internal dialogue ("He's knows I'm five-foot-six, have red hair, don't have a model's figure"). True, she may have told him all this, but most people don't usually think about themselves in that kind of detail, especially when nervous. You have a ready tool to use: she's staring in a mirror, so she could brush her red hair, comment to herself about how her clothes don't fit right, etc... Or, if you want her to be that self-conscious about her appearance, make sure that it shows in her character throughout the story.
Hope this is helpful! Looking forward to part two. Cheers.
reply by the author on 15-Jun-2010
|
Hi Barbara, I read through some of your other reviews after reading and I have to say, I do find this very believable. Even though pictures are prevalent in online dating, I'm sure there are still a number of users who prefer not to have their photos all over the internet. Even if he had posted a photo, it's very possible that he could have used a fake picture or one that was 15 years old, and he could have made up any or all of his information (heck, he could really be a woman with a voice changer). So her worry and anticipation are all quite realistic.
I see that several others pointed out the tense and italic confusion so I won't harp on that. I think since you've gotten a flood of reviews you probably haven't had time yet to fix them. One thing I did want to point out, though, is that the back and forth between talking to herself and internal dialogue was both somewhat confusing and felt a little bit atypical. Usually, someone alone might have a long internal debate and then occasionally blurt out something aloud. For her to speak aloud to her this much makes her seem like she might be somewhat mentally unstable. If you disagree or prefer to have her this way for a reason, that's fine and of course your prerogative. I checked again and it's good that you have some action separating internal and spoken monologue. There was one point to check, however: ""Why did I tell him about those dreams?"
"I'm not leaving this room." This looks almost like dialogue between two people. If one character's dialogue continues into the next paragraph, don't use close quotes on the first line ("Why did I tell him about those dreams?
"I'm not leaving this room."). This still seems awkward to me, though, and it feels like there should be something between her self-chastising about discussing her dreams and her decision not to leave the room. Maybe you could move her falling onto the bed until after "...about those dreams?"
I agree with Vanda; the phone call should be somehow relevant. Maybe you're planning to use it in the next section.
Overall, I think you did a good job of creating tension in this scene, using dialogue tags sparingly and making realistic dialogue. The only place I found it somewhat forced was when she described herself in detail through internal dialogue ("He's knows I'm five-foot-six, have red hair, don't have a model's figure"). True, she may have told him all this, but most people don't usually think about themselves in that kind of detail, especially when nervous. You have a ready tool to use: she's staring in a mirror, so she could brush her red hair, comment to herself about how her clothes don't fit right, etc... Or, if you want her to be that self-conscious about her appearance, make sure that it shows in her character throughout the story.
Hope this is helpful! Looking forward to part two. Cheers.
Comment Written 15-Jun-2010
reply by the author on 15-Jun-2010
-
It won't leave until I reply to it.
-
Sorry! The website got screwed up for about 10 minutes when I was trying to submit my reply and it ending up getting sent twice.
-
Not a problem, I think it might get squared away, someday.
Comment from vandawalker
This held my interest. She really does battle with herself. I like the thoughts that come out about every little thing she is wearing or dreaming or saying in the past. I wonder what he's like, too. Thanks for a good read.
Laila sifted (shifted)
three kids(,) and he thinks of me
reply by the author on 15-Jun-2010
|
This held my interest. She really does battle with herself. I like the thoughts that come out about every little thing she is wearing or dreaming or saying in the past. I wonder what he's like, too. Thanks for a good read.
Laila sifted (shifted)
three kids(,) and he thinks of me
Comment Written 15-Jun-2010
reply by the author on 15-Jun-2010
-
Thank you for your kind review.
Comment from Metal Head
Hi Barbara
I enjoyed this read, and the ending guarantees I'll be back for the next part.
I did notice a few places where I reckon the writing can be tweaked a bit.
She wrung her hands, before she glanced at her watch. Two she's. The double appearance of the same word so close together is regarded as a no-no. 'She' can be changed pretty simply.
She wrung her hands, before glancing at her watch. This also makes the sentence less passive, you're not telling us she looked at the watch, you're showing us.
Another example is as follows: She chewed on her lower lip and paced the floor. I need to decide in less than five minutes if I'm going to walk out that door and meet a man I've fallen in love with over the Internet. She snatched her room key from beside the telephone and dropped it into her clutch.
Chewing on her lower lip, she paced back and forth between the bed and door...etc
"Pull yourself together. You have less than ten minutes," she mumbled adjusting the single strand of pearls around her neck. Needs a comma after mumbled.
We were going to get married after graduation. Then I caught him in bed with Linda. Bastard... This reads like a change of tense here, and I wonder if you meant to either italicise it, or enclose it with speech marks.
He avoided answering a question, which only increased my frustration. 'Damn it, I'm falling in love with you. Would you answer the stupid question?' I don't know how this is going to appear when I post this review, but in your story you have this line italicised with quote marks covering part of it. This again leads to confusion with tense.
Anyway, two thoughts. Firstly, what was the question that's causing so much tension, and secondly, was it something/someone important on the phone. I think we need to be told otherwise it's a phone call that happened for no reason. If it's there to lead you into telling us about his bi-daily phone calls you can find another way to slip that fact in. I've just realised something as I re-read that passage, and that is I assumed Laila listened to her voice mail. The reason I say this is because you have her decide 'to let the voicemail take the call.' This is then followed by 'Unable to quash her curiosity, she retrieved it' I assumed she retrieved the voice mail, but I suspect you meant she retrieved the phone. I wonder if this has caught any one else out?
With a new resolve and false determination... Resolve and determination are the same thing. With a new resolve and false bravado...maybe
In the elevator section you keep referring to Laila by name whereas a simple 'she' would do.
I could really empathise with Laila; I've been in situations where insecurities rear their ugly heads and I've chickened out sometimes as a result. Her inner thoughts and spoken words give a good idea as to her state of mind.
The thing that stands out the most from this story is the lack of care and/or preperation Laila takes when meeting a stranger she's met over the internet. These days profile pictures are prevelent so they would know what each other looked like. To get round this, I'd set it ten years ago when dating sites were much more text based and looked more like a typical newspaper lonely hearts column.
As I said earlier, I geniunely look forward to the next installment.
Regards
Michael D
reply by the author on 15-Jun-2010
|
Hi Barbara
I enjoyed this read, and the ending guarantees I'll be back for the next part.
I did notice a few places where I reckon the writing can be tweaked a bit.
She wrung her hands, before she glanced at her watch. Two she's. The double appearance of the same word so close together is regarded as a no-no. 'She' can be changed pretty simply.
She wrung her hands, before glancing at her watch. This also makes the sentence less passive, you're not telling us she looked at the watch, you're showing us.
Another example is as follows: She chewed on her lower lip and paced the floor. I need to decide in less than five minutes if I'm going to walk out that door and meet a man I've fallen in love with over the Internet. She snatched her room key from beside the telephone and dropped it into her clutch.
Chewing on her lower lip, she paced back and forth between the bed and door...etc
"Pull yourself together. You have less than ten minutes," she mumbled adjusting the single strand of pearls around her neck. Needs a comma after mumbled.
We were going to get married after graduation. Then I caught him in bed with Linda. Bastard... This reads like a change of tense here, and I wonder if you meant to either italicise it, or enclose it with speech marks.
He avoided answering a question, which only increased my frustration. 'Damn it, I'm falling in love with you. Would you answer the stupid question?' I don't know how this is going to appear when I post this review, but in your story you have this line italicised with quote marks covering part of it. This again leads to confusion with tense.
Anyway, two thoughts. Firstly, what was the question that's causing so much tension, and secondly, was it something/someone important on the phone. I think we need to be told otherwise it's a phone call that happened for no reason. If it's there to lead you into telling us about his bi-daily phone calls you can find another way to slip that fact in. I've just realised something as I re-read that passage, and that is I assumed Laila listened to her voice mail. The reason I say this is because you have her decide 'to let the voicemail take the call.' This is then followed by 'Unable to quash her curiosity, she retrieved it' I assumed she retrieved the voice mail, but I suspect you meant she retrieved the phone. I wonder if this has caught any one else out?
With a new resolve and false determination... Resolve and determination are the same thing. With a new resolve and false bravado...maybe
In the elevator section you keep referring to Laila by name whereas a simple 'she' would do.
I could really empathise with Laila; I've been in situations where insecurities rear their ugly heads and I've chickened out sometimes as a result. Her inner thoughts and spoken words give a good idea as to her state of mind.
The thing that stands out the most from this story is the lack of care and/or preperation Laila takes when meeting a stranger she's met over the internet. These days profile pictures are prevelent so they would know what each other looked like. To get round this, I'd set it ten years ago when dating sites were much more text based and looked more like a typical newspaper lonely hearts column.
As I said earlier, I geniunely look forward to the next installment.
Regards
Michael D
Comment Written 15-Jun-2010
reply by the author on 15-Jun-2010
-
I happen to know of situations that happened just in the past year where something similar happened. As for changing to 'ing' endings I have been gigged and gigged for using them especially at the beginning of sentences because they are passive, now I am being told to use them so they won't be passive. I am about fed up with 'ing' ending and commas. Thank you for your review.
-
Barbara
Please disregard my comments on ing words. In light of your reply I wonder if I've got it wrong regarding this, so I'm going to look it up and get my head around it. I do so hope I haven't twisted your brain too much.
Michael D
-
I PMed you.
Comment from L.lora
Awe, excellent study in
mind processes, how many
times have all of us made
a decission that we question
our reasoning abilities. LOL.
A most enjoyable read, one the
reader could get into. It perpetuates
itself, builds its own steam as
it carries the reader through to the
final line. No nits or spags. Lora
reply by the author on 15-Jun-2010
|
Awe, excellent study in
mind processes, how many
times have all of us made
a decission that we question
our reasoning abilities. LOL.
A most enjoyable read, one the
reader could get into. It perpetuates
itself, builds its own steam as
it carries the reader through to the
final line. No nits or spags. Lora
Comment Written 15-Jun-2010
reply by the author on 15-Jun-2010
-
Thank you for your kind review.
Comment from dragonpoet
I see no errors in the well written story. It goes through her emotions very well. You can sympathize with her very easily. The character development is good and the tension builds throughout leaving you wanting to know what comes after
Keep writing
Joan
reply by the author on 15-Jun-2010
|
I see no errors in the well written story. It goes through her emotions very well. You can sympathize with her very easily. The character development is good and the tension builds throughout leaving you wanting to know what comes after
Keep writing
Joan
Comment Written 15-Jun-2010
reply by the author on 15-Jun-2010
-
Thank you for your kind review.
-
You're welcome
dragonpoet
Comment from cheyennewy
Hi Barbara,
I hate being teased and then not know what the man even looks like! Well that is a sign of a good story teller...leaving your readers wanting more. You wrote this well and did a good job of telling of Laila's indecision over meeting and internet date. Come to think of it I would be just as uncertain as she is. Well done, looking forward to the second part! Blessings, chey
reply by the author on 15-Jun-2010
|
Hi Barbara,
I hate being teased and then not know what the man even looks like! Well that is a sign of a good story teller...leaving your readers wanting more. You wrote this well and did a good job of telling of Laila's indecision over meeting and internet date. Come to think of it I would be just as uncertain as she is. Well done, looking forward to the second part! Blessings, chey
Comment Written 15-Jun-2010
reply by the author on 15-Jun-2010
-
Thank you for your kind review. One reader felt the insecurities were overboard. I appreciate your comment.
Comment from animatqua
All right! You caught my attention immediately. You also painted any excellent picture of the protagonist throughout and all within a nice, natural rhythm and flow. You kept me reading by returning to the original point of suspense again and again. This repetition did much to heighten the impression of tension in the protagonist. It also intensified my interest in the outcome of this meeting. The way you left the ending naturally pulled the reader's eye and interest forward into the next chapter.
A job very well done! How do I give you a 6?!
reply by the author on 15-Jun-2010
|
All right! You caught my attention immediately. You also painted any excellent picture of the protagonist throughout and all within a nice, natural rhythm and flow. You kept me reading by returning to the original point of suspense again and again. This repetition did much to heighten the impression of tension in the protagonist. It also intensified my interest in the outcome of this meeting. The way you left the ending naturally pulled the reader's eye and interest forward into the next chapter.
A job very well done! How do I give you a 6?!
Comment Written 15-Jun-2010
reply by the author on 15-Jun-2010
-
Thank you for your very kind review.
