Comment from Barb Hensongispsaca

Exceptional

Oh I don't know how to tell you this is the absolute best. It is perfect in flow and rhyme and the words you used were unique.
'when death's cold claw beats fate's black drum'
'we're all just pawns in life's dark race'
'it burns it hurts no refuge found'

 Comment Written 06-Dec-2016

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reply by the author on 08-Dec-2016

Thanks Barb for your wonderful comments, and most complementary, and outstanding review and stars, blessings, Roy

Comment from nancy_e_davis

Excellent

I try to think on death as a quiet transition. a gentle, welcome change into a world that has no pain or sorrow attached. This is an amazing poem Roy. Very good tetrameter. Well done my friend. Nancy

 Comment Written 06-Dec-2016

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reply by the author on 07-Dec-2016

Thanks so much Nancy, for this excellent review, and super comments, blessings, Roy

Comment from winnona

Exceptional

A very intense powerful poem. A well-written contest entry. your words flowed well line to line combining easily and forming the message of the poem for the reader. I think you have completed the challenge of the contest well.

 Comment Written 06-Dec-2016

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reply by the author on 08-Dec-2016

Thanks so much for this marvellous review, and exceptional comments, and stars, blessings, Roy

Comment from Sandra du Plessis

Excellent

A very well-written spiritual and uplifting poem. We do not know when we will take our last breath, we should live each hour as if it is our last hour and not wait until we see the possible danger that our life will come to an end very soon.

 Comment Written 06-Dec-2016

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reply by the author on 07-Dec-2016

Thanks so much Sandra, for this excellent review, and super comments, blessings, Roy

Comment from Thomas Bowling

Excellent

An excellent contest entry. You should do well. It seems to meet all the requirements for this contest. Good luck. I hope you win.

 Comment Written 06-Dec-2016

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reply by the author on 08-Dec-2016

Thanks so much Thomas, for this excellent review, and super comments, blessings, Roy

Comment from sunnilicious

Excellent

Death is such a grime subject this time of year while everyone is beginning to rejoice in the birth of a prophet in this season of giving. I suppose death is a year round thing though. Good visual imagery. Good quotes. Nice work.

 Comment Written 06-Dec-2016

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reply by the author on 08-Dec-2016

Thanks so much Alicia, for this excellent review, and super comments, blessings, Roy

Comment from rama devi

Excellent

This reminds me of a metaphor my Guru Amma said in a talk the other day. She said we rarely think of the sun because everything is lit up and we're busy looking at the world, but when it is dark, the moon seems so bright and attracts us. Likewise, when we have sorrows, we call on the Divine more ardently.

Your poem portrays deep faith and makes a fine entry for the contest. It is very Christian-flavored, which is likely to appeal to the judges, I think! (They do not seem to like my more esoteric, Eastern-influenced, universal work...it never places).

A few punctuation suggestions for your consideration


When death stalks life(COMMA) all men will hope
with mortal fear, for mercy grope;
they're just a sign of things to come,
when death's cold claw,(NO COMMA) beats fate's black drum. LOVE THIS LAST LINE...AWESOME!


Love this voicing--powerful and finely rhymed with apt imagery:

Our souls seek through perception's eyes
yet foggy lenses smear that prize.

*
How can we know when souls will glean
from shadowed wraiths, not what faith's seen.(?)

I believe it is question so a ? works best, but it can also be rhetorical, if you prefer.

LOVE THIS VOICING (note nits too):

I feel vexation's hoary hand, (NO COMMA)
upon soul's brow, its cruel brand;
it burns, it hurts, no refuge found,(. or ; or --)
I can't escape its mocking sound.


OUTSTANDING STANZA:

Yes, deep within I feel pride's quill
write epitaphs upon my will;
but somewhere deep I feel God's kiss,
to brush heart's brow...salvation's bliss.


Love those rhyme pairs and the voicing is perfect. A six star stanza, though I do have one suggestion: maybe don't use the word DEEP twice in one stanza. I suggest altering the one in line three.

If God be true(COMMA) then all pride's lies-(NO DASH)
are washed away by Jesus' cries;

Strong closing note:
I'm hid, I'm hid, by all that's good,
that crimson stream of Jesus' blood.

Fine personification in the title.

Could lean toward a six with revisions. Bravo.

Should do well!


Warmly, rd

 Comment Written 06-Dec-2016

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reply by the author on 08-Dec-2016

Rest assured dear RD, I don't see much difference between what I've seen in the two philosophies, just one notable difference, but we agree on most things, I seek in this life more or less what you seek, very few have seen into the other realm, I've had exciting glimpses, I don't think I could correlate even if I could, but I know it's way beyond this one. Thank you kind friend for helping my grammatical weakness, some things God leaves to us, I'm in partnership with Him, He expects me to journey in sorting out some challenges, I'm just grateful for His gifts, bless you RD, you have much gold in you. Blessings, Roy.

reply by rama devi on 09-Dec-2016

Thank you, dear Roy, for your lvoely kindness and words...and for tuning your life in the Divine Flow with God's Grace and Guidance! The world needs more people like you--also shining and golden~

Blessings, rd

reply by the author on 09-Dec-2016

Thank you RD, you too, dear friend

reply by rama devi on 09-Dec-2016

:-))))

Comment from sandy montgomery

Excellent

I really like this piece. It has such perfect rhyme. Very natural and unforced. The rhythm is perfect except for one line "upon soul's brow, its cruel brand" only has seven beats. I suggest changing cruel to cruelest. Other than that your piece is flawless. Thank you for sharing your work.

 Comment Written 06-Dec-2016

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reply by the author on 08-Dec-2016

Thanks so much Sandy, for this excellent review, and super comments, blessings, Roy

Comment from BeasPeas

Excellent

This is a nicely rhymed and thought out poem. I believe that "somewhere deep I feel God's kiss," even for the non-believer. A nagging bit of us needs and wants to know He is there. "Knock and the door shall be opened unto you" even at the 11th hour. Marilyn

 Comment Written 06-Dec-2016

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reply by the author on 08-Dec-2016

Thanks so much Marilyn, for this excellent review, and super comments, blessings, Roy

Comment from Joy Graham

Exceptional

Hi Roy,

I always enjoy your sermon poems. This one had my mind wandering in many personal directions as your words etched in their meanings.

I think this line stands out for me today:

"so, mock away, tomorrow's wench"

I thought of a difficult person in my life lately, and there have been many over the years. I seem to be an easy target to mock. I remember a friend's advice not to stoop to their level. And also not to let them see how much they have hurt me.

I've always been amazed how many people can listen to thensame sermon, yet the words speak to each one in their own personal way.

I find comfort in your closing, but especially by these lines:

"but somewhere deep I feel God's kiss,
to brush heart's brow...salvation's bliss."

 Comment Written 06-Dec-2016

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reply by the author on 08-Dec-2016

I'm so glad you were so touched by this work, isn't it funny? God works through all of us, so intricately, when He talks to us, we know, the effect, He is wonderful, thanks for the outstanding review and stars stars Joy, blessings. Roy