flip flops held in hand: 5-7-5 suite
track memories, not sand, into the house87 total reviews
Comment from Donovan
Very nicely done. Children build memories doing these things, long remembered when so many others fade. I am wondering if "strand" should be "sand" Well done.
reply by the author on 04-May-2015
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Very nicely done. Children build memories doing these things, long remembered when so many others fade. I am wondering if "strand" should be "sand" Well done.
Comment Written 03-May-2015
reply by the author on 04-May-2015
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Thank you, Donovan, for your kind review. I did not want to use "sand" twice in my poem. I like "strand" because people say "strand" but they think "sand." I use sleight of hand to get "sand" in my poem twice without saying it a second time. I am glad you enjoyed my poem.
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I thank you for that explanation and with my hanks I shall read it with a new plantation.
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Well, another reviewer pointed out "strand" so I changed it to "sand," as you suggested first. It reads better now. Thanks for being the canary in the coal mine that alerted me that "strand" may be a problem.
Comment from TPAC
Nicely compose with a great ending. Good flow with magic having great story. A point of recycling from beach to tub. Thank you for sharing.
reply by the author on 04-May-2015
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Nicely compose with a great ending. Good flow with magic having great story. A point of recycling from beach to tub. Thank you for sharing.
Comment Written 03-May-2015
reply by the author on 04-May-2015
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Thank you, TPAC, for your kind review. Thank you for sharing your time with my poem.
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enjoyed
Comment from Spitfire
Delightful. I never expected the end!
feet dipped in stardust -what a beautiful image
encrusted ... legs - not so pretty.
Powerful verb choices with trudge. dip, grasp and track.
Well done with humor as a bonus.
reply by the author on 04-May-2015
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Delightful. I never expected the end!
feet dipped in stardust -what a beautiful image
encrusted ... legs - not so pretty.
Powerful verb choices with trudge. dip, grasp and track.
Well done with humor as a bonus.
Comment Written 03-May-2015
reply by the author on 04-May-2015
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Yes, Spitfire, one of the keys to my poem as you noted is that I use a powerful verb in each line to propel the poem. Many 5/7/5, haiku, and Senryu use few or no verbs. I took a different approach because I wanted my poem's words to encrust your feet and memory. I am glad this worked. Thanks for your review.
Comment from victor 66
Hello, Sis Cat. I think most people hope that all children have such memories and innocence to fall back on when they get older. I can see the children, where it's a great day and there is nothing to worry about. I apologize for suggesting a correction. I don't feel that sophisticated in this medium to give advice. But in the second line, should (strand) be "sand"? Best wishes.
reply by the author on 04-May-2015
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Hello, Sis Cat. I think most people hope that all children have such memories and innocence to fall back on when they get older. I can see the children, where it's a great day and there is nothing to worry about. I apologize for suggesting a correction. I don't feel that sophisticated in this medium to give advice. But in the second line, should (strand) be "sand"? Best wishes.
Comment Written 03-May-2015
reply by the author on 04-May-2015
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Victor 66, you are the second reviewer who mentioned "strand" so I going to change it though I do not want to use the same word twice in a poem. I am glad my poem brought back memories. Thanks for your review and suggestion.
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You are most welcome.
Comment from Jeanie Mercer
This is a nice series of 5-7-5 short poems that describe the scene you mention of sand-covered feet. I would not consider them haiku just because they have 5-7-5 syllables. Haiku should not rhyme. (I really like the phrase "feet dipped in stardust.") Best regards, Jeanie Mercer
reply by the author on 04-May-2015
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This is a nice series of 5-7-5 short poems that describe the scene you mention of sand-covered feet. I would not consider them haiku just because they have 5-7-5 syllables. Haiku should not rhyme. (I really like the phrase "feet dipped in stardust.") Best regards, Jeanie Mercer
Comment Written 03-May-2015
reply by the author on 04-May-2015
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Thank you, Jeanie Mercer, for your fine review. Many reviewers debated whether or not my poem is a 5-7-5, a haiku, or a Senryu. My poem blends all three and pushes their boundaries. I am glad you enjoyed them.
Comment from Debbie Noland
This is so nicely done. Stanzas 1 and 3, especially, are rich in concrete imagery and poetic energy. I like the series of events that moves the action from the beach indoors. My favorite lines are "feet dipped stardust" and "encrusted, tanned legs." Very visual and tactile.
reply by the author on 04-May-2015
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This is so nicely done. Stanzas 1 and 3, especially, are rich in concrete imagery and poetic energy. I like the series of events that moves the action from the beach indoors. My favorite lines are "feet dipped stardust" and "encrusted, tanned legs." Very visual and tactile.
Comment Written 03-May-2015
reply by the author on 04-May-2015
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Thank you, Debbie Noland, for your fine review. My poem's words encrust your feet and memory. I made this poem visual and tactile. I am glad you enjoyed it.
Comment from rjuselius
this is a fine haiku suite about the beach and ocean dear sis cat! i was just a little weary about the rhyme in the first haiku, where there should be none. however your description is nicely vivid and does invoke memories of the past straight from childhood.
thank you for sharing!
blessings!
rebekka x
reply by the author on 04-May-2015
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this is a fine haiku suite about the beach and ocean dear sis cat! i was just a little weary about the rhyme in the first haiku, where there should be none. however your description is nicely vivid and does invoke memories of the past straight from childhood.
thank you for sharing!
blessings!
rebekka x
Comment Written 03-May-2015
reply by the author on 04-May-2015
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Thank you, rebekka, for your fine review. You are the second reviewer who pointed out the rhyme. I am glad you nonetheless enjoyed my vivid poem. Thanks.
Comment from kiwijenny
Sis cat I grew up on the beach in New Zealand our feet ran sparkly all the time...over rocks and wet sand over pools of water...I LOVED THIS
IT GETS A SIX FOR THE DELIGHT
God bless
reply by the author on 04-May-2015
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Sis cat I grew up on the beach in New Zealand our feet ran sparkly all the time...over rocks and wet sand over pools of water...I LOVED THIS
IT GETS A SIX FOR THE DELIGHT
God bless
Comment Written 03-May-2015
reply by the author on 04-May-2015
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Thank you, kiwijenny, for your delighted, six star review. It is something special when sandy, sparkling feet evokes memories. Thank you for the six sparkling stars.
Comment from al1801
Nice and sunny, agreeably scenic. I love haiku and being the pendant I am, had to do a count; no reflection on your haiku, just a`check, you passed. Your poem certainly did evoke childhood memories of seaside trips.
Oh! btw, here in Oz, flip flops are known as thongs have been around since 1956
reply by the author on 04-May-2015
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Nice and sunny, agreeably scenic. I love haiku and being the pendant I am, had to do a count; no reflection on your haiku, just a`check, you passed. Your poem certainly did evoke childhood memories of seaside trips.
Oh! btw, here in Oz, flip flops are known as thongs have been around since 1956
Comment Written 03-May-2015
reply by the author on 04-May-2015
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Thank you for your kind review and word count! I worked feverishly on this poem when I saw sandy feet by a beach. I am glad it evoked childhood memories.
Comment from Bill Schott
This suite of haiku seems to be employing some random rhyme to keep the poem interesting makes we want to find more secret structure. Interesting back story.
reply by the author on 04-May-2015
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This suite of haiku seems to be employing some random rhyme to keep the poem interesting makes we want to find more secret structure. Interesting back story.
Comment Written 03-May-2015
reply by the author on 04-May-2015
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Yes, Bill, another secret of this poem is that I used a powerful verbs in each line: trudge, dipped, encrusted, grasp, tanned, backs up, and more. I use verbs in each line to push the action of my haiku forward. This is my secret structure which is no longer a secret. Thanks for your review.
