Something's Fishy
Please, somebody help me. I'm here...in here! Let me out...47 total reviews
Comment from Sandra Stoner-Mitchell
How horrible! What a way to go. What a brilliant story coming from that starting line. You have quite an imagination! Good luck in the contest! xsx Sandra
reply by the author on 10-Jan-2014
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How horrible! What a way to go. What a brilliant story coming from that starting line. You have quite an imagination! Good luck in the contest! xsx Sandra
Comment Written 10-Jan-2014
reply by the author on 10-Jan-2014
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Thank you very much, Sandra. I truly appreciate the feedback!
Thanks for reading my work.
Comment from Paddywack
This is a very good story, well told. The plot flowed smoothly and the structure of the story is sound. It carried the hallmarks of the classic 'burried alive' horror story that every one can relate to. Buried at the back of the reader's mind is the thought that it COULD happen (maybe to me!)
I thought you could make some changes to the introductory paragraphs - basically a little tightening needed. Para 1 could read: 'The door slammed, echoing down the long hall. Mark woke abruptly. The absence of light was total, absolute. The air, stale and ripe, was stifling, sickly sweet -- almost overpowering him. 'Where the hell am I?' he thought.
In the second, I'd work on his reactions to this unknown he has woke to. (I don't thin one of his first thoughts would be 'who did this to me?') More likely he would panic because he couldn't move or see or speak. Am I dead? would likely be one thought to cross his mind, What happened to me? Why can't I remember, would be another.
Also, I'd avoid cliches like the plague (ha,ha) like 'deafening silence'
I enjoyed the piece and with a little more work could be a winner for you. Good luck in the contest, and thanks for sharing.
reply by the author on 10-Jan-2014
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This is a very good story, well told. The plot flowed smoothly and the structure of the story is sound. It carried the hallmarks of the classic 'burried alive' horror story that every one can relate to. Buried at the back of the reader's mind is the thought that it COULD happen (maybe to me!)
I thought you could make some changes to the introductory paragraphs - basically a little tightening needed. Para 1 could read: 'The door slammed, echoing down the long hall. Mark woke abruptly. The absence of light was total, absolute. The air, stale and ripe, was stifling, sickly sweet -- almost overpowering him. 'Where the hell am I?' he thought.
In the second, I'd work on his reactions to this unknown he has woke to. (I don't thin one of his first thoughts would be 'who did this to me?') More likely he would panic because he couldn't move or see or speak. Am I dead? would likely be one thought to cross his mind, What happened to me? Why can't I remember, would be another.
Also, I'd avoid cliches like the plague (ha,ha) like 'deafening silence'
I enjoyed the piece and with a little more work could be a winner for you. Good luck in the contest, and thanks for sharing.
Comment Written 10-Jan-2014
reply by the author on 10-Jan-2014
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Thanks for the feedback, Paddywack.
I made a few changes based upon your suggestions. I really appreciate the help, as well as the in depth review. Thank you!
Comment from Jackarrie
wow it is difficult to imagine that in today with up to date technology this kind of thing could not happen. What a horrible way to die, to be palatalized and not able to say I'm alive
You have done a great job in writing this entry, and in highlighting the dangers of eating the fish.
good luck in the contest. Mary
reply by the author on 10-Jan-2014
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wow it is difficult to imagine that in today with up to date technology this kind of thing could not happen. What a horrible way to die, to be palatalized and not able to say I'm alive
You have done a great job in writing this entry, and in highlighting the dangers of eating the fish.
good luck in the contest. Mary
Comment Written 10-Jan-2014
reply by the author on 10-Jan-2014
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Thanks so much for the read, review and comments, Mary. All are very much appreciated!
Comment from mysteriousmuse
Ironic karma is a bitch. Mark should not have been screwing around and we will never know if Glenda knew he was married. How scary to be alive and know they can't hear you scream. Scary.
He'd ordered the Fugu to go, which was delicious, paid the bill...but that's about as far as Mark's memory permitted him access.
The line above is slightly confusing...He ordered to go..it Was delicious...paid the bill.. When did he eat? While standing in line?
It was an eye opening story particularly the footnotes. Keep the good words flowing
reply by the author on 10-Jan-2014
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Ironic karma is a bitch. Mark should not have been screwing around and we will never know if Glenda knew he was married. How scary to be alive and know they can't hear you scream. Scary.
He'd ordered the Fugu to go, which was delicious, paid the bill...but that's about as far as Mark's memory permitted him access.
The line above is slightly confusing...He ordered to go..it Was delicious...paid the bill.. When did he eat? While standing in line?
It was an eye opening story particularly the footnotes. Keep the good words flowing
Comment Written 10-Jan-2014
reply by the author on 10-Jan-2014
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Thanks so much for the read & review, mysteriousmuse.
I've incorporated a few changes into the story based upon your suggestion. I hope you don't mind.
Thanks so much again for the help!
Comment from sweetwoodjax
this is very well written, mystery writer, you did an excellent job writing this story about the man who was still alive and had an autopby performed on him. i enjoyed reading it . good luck in the contest
reply by the author on 10-Jan-2014
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this is very well written, mystery writer, you did an excellent job writing this story about the man who was still alive and had an autopby performed on him. i enjoyed reading it . good luck in the contest
Comment Written 10-Jan-2014
reply by the author on 10-Jan-2014
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Thanks, sweetwoodjax, I really appreciate the feedback on this one. I appreciate the well wishes, too!
Comment from Spitfire
Now I know why I won't eat fish. How awful to have an autopsy performed while still alive. You bring the reader into this terrifying experiencing by the dialogue inside Mark's head. Until I read your notes, I thought they were cremated because of the reference burning bone. But maybe they cut up the bodies before putting them into the crematorium?
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reply by the author on 10-Jan-2014
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Now I know why I won't eat fish. How awful to have an autopsy performed while still alive. You bring the reader into this terrifying experiencing by the dialogue inside Mark's head. Until I read your notes, I thought they were cremated because of the reference burning bone. But maybe they cut up the bodies before putting them into the crematorium?
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 10-Jan-2014
reply by the author on 10-Jan-2014
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Hey, thanks Spit.
When the bone saw begins to cut through the ribcage and breast plate, it creates so much friction that it literally burns the bone. The marrow gives off a sickly sweet odor. That's where the burning smell comes in.
Again, I really appreciate your review and thoughts, thank you.
Comment from CR Delport
This is well written and makes for a good read. The descriptions are well done, painting a good mind picture. Good luck in the contest.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 10-Jan-2014
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This is well written and makes for a good read. The descriptions are well done, painting a good mind picture. Good luck in the contest.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 10-Jan-2014
reply by the author on 10-Jan-2014
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Thanks, CR Delport. I hope it entertained you, and I appreciate the read and review.
