Redemption
Viewing comments for Chapter 11 "Day 2"One Man's Return From Hell
48 total reviews
Comment from c_lucas
Taking bribes usually start with small amounts and the more you take, the deeper you get. This is a very well written chapter. Good job.
reply by the author on 02-Nov-2010
  |
Taking bribes usually start with small amounts and the more you take, the deeper you get. This is a very well written chapter. Good job.
Comment Written 02-Nov-2010
reply by the author on 02-Nov-2010
-
Thanks Charlie - I couldn't have the stereotyped Southern Sheriff as all bad! Regards, Bill
-
Bill, you are in the south, you knnow some places where Sheriffs write their own laws. You're welcome. Charlie
Comment from Gungalo
Gosh there is sure a lot going on here. Can't wait to see if the sheriff is clean or not. Hmmmm betcha he's a softy with an amazing front he puts on for work. We shall see.
Enjoyed the read and will be back to see.
reply by the author on 02-Nov-2010
|
Gosh there is sure a lot going on here. Can't wait to see if the sheriff is clean or not. Hmmmm betcha he's a softy with an amazing front he puts on for work. We shall see.
Enjoyed the read and will be back to see.
Comment Written 02-Nov-2010
reply by the author on 02-Nov-2010
-
Thanks for reading and for staying with the story. I appreciate it! Regards, Bill
Comment from highlander104
This is an exciting read as the plot thickens. I feel for Alva Bailey caught up in a trap he can't possibly get out of alive, but he did "cop" out on the suicide. You're drawing an in depth picture of him and his predicament. Looking forward to the next chapter--where maybe you can help him out a bit.
Jean K.
reply by the author on 02-Nov-2010
|
This is an exciting read as the plot thickens. I feel for Alva Bailey caught up in a trap he can't possibly get out of alive, but he did "cop" out on the suicide. You're drawing an in depth picture of him and his predicament. Looking forward to the next chapter--where maybe you can help him out a bit.
Jean K.
Comment Written 02-Nov-2010
reply by the author on 02-Nov-2010
-
depends on whether he is a Republican or a Democrat! Thank you very much for reading and your kind and generous feedback.
-
Does it really make a difference? Just be a nice guy--help him out!
-
okay - I'm sold!
Comment from Jen Gentry
The Sheriff's office was tobacco free. A lot of good it did. The room reeked of smoke from over 60 years of cigarettes, cigars, pipes, chew and everything in between. Sheriff, Alva Bailey, sat in his leather judge's chair, arms on the arm rests and a gut that almost made it impossible to pull his chair close. The big wooden desk was covered with burn marks and rings from a thousand coffee cups. The cherry wood Regulator Clock on the wall was lending its repetitive cadence to the otherwise silent room. Bailey wondered how he sat in the same room with the clock for 20 years and never heard it. This morning, it was annoying in its presence. As he sat there, he wondered, what the hell is happening to me?
This first paragraph opens this chapter very well, it sets the scene up beautifully, I see no spag and the read flows very smoothly, great chapter.
reply by the author on 02-Nov-2010
|
The Sheriff's office was tobacco free. A lot of good it did. The room reeked of smoke from over 60 years of cigarettes, cigars, pipes, chew and everything in between. Sheriff, Alva Bailey, sat in his leather judge's chair, arms on the arm rests and a gut that almost made it impossible to pull his chair close. The big wooden desk was covered with burn marks and rings from a thousand coffee cups. The cherry wood Regulator Clock on the wall was lending its repetitive cadence to the otherwise silent room. Bailey wondered how he sat in the same room with the clock for 20 years and never heard it. This morning, it was annoying in its presence. As he sat there, he wondered, what the hell is happening to me?
This first paragraph opens this chapter very well, it sets the scene up beautifully, I see no spag and the read flows very smoothly, great chapter.
Comment Written 02-Nov-2010
reply by the author on 02-Nov-2010
-
Thanks Christa - I always appreciate you dropping by. Regards, Bill
Comment from adewpearl
Last chapter summary - he was laying on - he was lying on
sat in his leather judge's chair - add apostrophe
Bailey, wondered how he sat - drop the comma
Who cares that my original background was dairy farmer? - add question mark
I particularly like how you get into the Sheriff's head to show his insecurities about his job and his grief about his wife's situation, and how this perspective is so different from that of Dax, who speculates about him as an outsider. Brooke
reply by the author on 02-Nov-2010
|
Last chapter summary - he was laying on - he was lying on
sat in his leather judge's chair - add apostrophe
Bailey, wondered how he sat - drop the comma
Who cares that my original background was dairy farmer? - add question mark
I particularly like how you get into the Sheriff's head to show his insecurities about his job and his grief about his wife's situation, and how this perspective is so different from that of Dax, who speculates about him as an outsider. Brooke
Comment Written 02-Nov-2010
reply by the author on 02-Nov-2010
-
Brooke - you are so helpful! For once, I did not edit from hard copy which I normally do, but I'm not sure I would have spotted those anyhow. Regards, Bill
Comment from Shirley B
Great story. This reminds me so much of some of the small towns around here. The sherrif gets elected and holds the office for 25-30 years. Some people get hassled while other people seems to get away with murder. This story is very interesting. It keeps the reader's attention. It makes me want to know more. Now I wonder if sucicide will ever come into the picture. Great job, Shirley
reply by the author on 02-Nov-2010
 |
Great story. This reminds me so much of some of the small towns around here. The sherrif gets elected and holds the office for 25-30 years. Some people get hassled while other people seems to get away with murder. This story is very interesting. It keeps the reader's attention. It makes me want to know more. Now I wonder if sucicide will ever come into the picture. Great job, Shirley
Comment Written 02-Nov-2010
reply by the author on 02-Nov-2010
-
Hi Shirley - you are so nice, I'm even going to pull for the Sooners! I appreciate you reading and for your kind and generous review. Regards, Bill
Comment from Aarondodd1989
A fast paced read, which is created by your style of writing.
The characters were clearly developed, even dropping in as late as I have.
I think your dialogue is very strong. It wasn't my favourite piece in the world to read, but I won't let that affect my view of it.
The only issue I had was near the beginning, you said -"arms in the arm rests" it sounds silly but that jars with me, I would consider removing the second use of arm. Para 2.
Also, Para 6 could do with being broken up a bit.
Overall I cannot fault this piece wto much though So I will not dock your score.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 02-Nov-2010
|
A fast paced read, which is created by your style of writing.
The characters were clearly developed, even dropping in as late as I have.
I think your dialogue is very strong. It wasn't my favourite piece in the world to read, but I won't let that affect my view of it.
The only issue I had was near the beginning, you said -"arms in the arm rests" it sounds silly but that jars with me, I would consider removing the second use of arm. Para 2.
Also, Para 6 could do with being broken up a bit.
Overall I cannot fault this piece wto much though So I will not dock your score.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 02-Nov-2010
reply by the author on 02-Nov-2010
-
Funny about the arms in the arm rests. I changed that segment several times. I'll revisit paragraph 6. Thanks for taking the time to read and comment.
-
You're welcome.
Comment from acvguard11
great job..i really enjoyed reading this piece..dont let others discourage you if you love to write..great job and keep writing
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 02-Nov-2010
|
great job..i really enjoyed reading this piece..dont let others discourage you if you love to write..great job and keep writing
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 02-Nov-2010
reply by the author on 02-Nov-2010
-
Thanks for reading and your kind and generous review!
