Internet Affair
Two people met over the Internet.140 total reviews
Comment from L.A.Tripp
Well done capturing the back and forth battle in the woman's mind.
It rings so true, most go through this very thing.
Good luck with developing this, if this is your new MS.
reply by the author on 16-Jun-2010
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Well done capturing the back and forth battle in the woman's mind.
It rings so true, most go through this very thing.
Good luck with developing this, if this is your new MS.
Comment Written 16-Jun-2010
reply by the author on 16-Jun-2010
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This is just a two part short story.
Comment from Halfree
Very good writing. The waves of indecision and the weaving of her past through her fears and reservations; excellent. The use of the dress and pearls to tell the story, marvelous. You have probably caught it by now, I like your story. You write well.
reply by the author on 16-Jun-2010
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Very good writing. The waves of indecision and the weaving of her past through her fears and reservations; excellent. The use of the dress and pearls to tell the story, marvelous. You have probably caught it by now, I like your story. You write well.
Comment Written 16-Jun-2010
reply by the author on 16-Jun-2010
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Thank you so much for your kind review. It seems this story is taking on a life of it's own.
Comment from MadameSparkle
I speak as one who went through this exact scenario. It rings true. I could have written it myself, almost.
You have captured the atmosphere perfectly. A lot of expansion is possible if you want to go that way.
Looking forward to the next installment.
Sparkles
reply by the author on 16-Jun-2010
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I speak as one who went through this exact scenario. It rings true. I could have written it myself, almost.
You have captured the atmosphere perfectly. A lot of expansion is possible if you want to go that way.
Looking forward to the next installment.
Sparkles
Comment Written 16-Jun-2010
reply by the author on 16-Jun-2010
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Thank you for your review what I don't know what I did wrong to receive 4 stars. I don't know how to fix it.
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oops, sorry Barbara. I'm still thinking in terms of 2005. I meant to give you five stars, not four. I've amended it for you here. I'm not used to the six star situation yet.
Best wishes, Sparkles
Comment from Harrisa
It looks like you got another good one. I enjoyed reading this story. A lot of people meet on-line now, and I never thought about what it must be like. I would have the same anxiety as Laila if I got that far into a relationship with a man I had never met face to face. This is interesting and exciting.
reply by the author on 16-Jun-2010
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It looks like you got another good one. I enjoyed reading this story. A lot of people meet on-line now, and I never thought about what it must be like. I would have the same anxiety as Laila if I got that far into a relationship with a man I had never met face to face. This is interesting and exciting.
Comment Written 16-Jun-2010
reply by the author on 16-Jun-2010
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Thank you for you review. I have taken hits from some men thinking Laila is crazy.
Comment from marcellawachtel
She's got a case of 'blind-date nerves',probably brought on by horror stories (true and not-so-true)of internet dating.You describe very well what she is thinking and how anxious she becomes over every little thing; her wardrobe, any past revelations she might have made, the past --I was just getting very anxious myself, until you got her down that elevator and into the restaurant! I hope you take good care of her in the next part- I am getting to really like her.
reply by the author on 16-Jun-2010
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She's got a case of 'blind-date nerves',probably brought on by horror stories (true and not-so-true)of internet dating.You describe very well what she is thinking and how anxious she becomes over every little thing; her wardrobe, any past revelations she might have made, the past --I was just getting very anxious myself, until you got her down that elevator and into the restaurant! I hope you take good care of her in the next part- I am getting to really like her.
Comment Written 16-Jun-2010
reply by the author on 16-Jun-2010
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Laila is in good hands. Thank you for your review.
Comment from El.Marjie
Hi Barbara, Yes, she's put herself in a very dangerous position by telling her sexual fantasies to a stranger over the internet. What was she thinking of? But you didn't give us a clue what happened! I still think she'd have to be pretty desperate to do what she's doing. Interesting read, Barbara. I didn't notice spag's. I'll be watching for part 2. Best, Marjie
reply by the author on 16-Jun-2010
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Hi Barbara, Yes, she's put herself in a very dangerous position by telling her sexual fantasies to a stranger over the internet. What was she thinking of? But you didn't give us a clue what happened! I still think she'd have to be pretty desperate to do what she's doing. Interesting read, Barbara. I didn't notice spag's. I'll be watching for part 2. Best, Marjie
Comment Written 16-Jun-2010
reply by the author on 16-Jun-2010
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Thank you for your kind review.
Comment from Mary Faucheux
Great read. You really portrayed her anxiety well. That's the way most of us are when we're meeting someone for the first time.
Mary
reply by the author on 16-Jun-2010
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Great read. You really portrayed her anxiety well. That's the way most of us are when we're meeting someone for the first time.
Mary
Comment Written 16-Jun-2010
reply by the author on 16-Jun-2010
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Thank you for your kind review. I appreciate it.
Comment from Allezw2
Lady barbara wilkey,
You have penned an interesting soliloquy.
Once it was the telephone, though that had to have a an initial contact. In days past, there was always the phone book when everyone had the name and number listed. No more, now though!
The shifting resolve was comical, seguing from past to present to possible future. Her mildly critical doubts,sequeing from her appearance to her revelatory emails.
Serious stuff when there is travel and lodging involved.
There is the onlooker's sense of the protagonist's dilemma, developing from the often humorous asides as this young women sails into uncharted waters. I do hope she took her fingernail out of her teeth before they met.
Nicely done,
Fantasist
reply by the author on 16-Jun-2010
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Lady barbara wilkey,
You have penned an interesting soliloquy.
Once it was the telephone, though that had to have a an initial contact. In days past, there was always the phone book when everyone had the name and number listed. No more, now though!
The shifting resolve was comical, seguing from past to present to possible future. Her mildly critical doubts,sequeing from her appearance to her revelatory emails.
Serious stuff when there is travel and lodging involved.
There is the onlooker's sense of the protagonist's dilemma, developing from the often humorous asides as this young women sails into uncharted waters. I do hope she took her fingernail out of her teeth before they met.
Nicely done,
Fantasist
Comment Written 16-Jun-2010
reply by the author on 16-Jun-2010
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Thank you for your kind review. Jacob does see her fingernails in her mouth and does comment.
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That's good. And you're quite welcome.
Comment from janna777
HI, Barbara.
Oh, where to start? GREAT IDEA. This is a new and growing thing this days, isn't? meeting someone on-line. But feeling you're really in love? Him paying for the trip? Really meeting somewhere? And when the woman is only 22? This is something.
Now, lots of questions and concerns. First of all, you probably thought about it a lot and decided that this is a mystery you don't want to solve for us. But I do want it solved. I want to see them meet and talk. I want to know his reaction and her reaction, etc. The way you wrote this left me disappointed, but I suppose it's a matter of taste. You also might think any resolution would make it more trivial, but I think it's your job as a writer, to find a resolution that would NOT be trivial.
Now, point of view. It's all so mixed up. Honest to God, I could not see a clear difference between those ports of story you typed in italics and those you didn't because to me, it's all one long monologue. Personally, you're setting a trap for yourself here, because you need to give us some information that looks lame in a monologue. For instance,
----We were going to get married after graduation. Then I caught him in bed with Linda. How could he sleep with her? The bastard! The pain of catching them together plagued me for over a year. Then I started communicating with Jacob. He made me feel it was safe to fall in love again.--
This is not inner monologue. We don't talk like that to ourselves. This is exposition, giving the reader some information the reader needs, something the woman doesn't have to tell herself because she knows it perfectly.
On the other hand, the reader does need this information,l so I would switch POV and make it a third-person narrative while keeping the focus on the woman, with some pieces of inner monologue if you want.
Also, just how much do you insist on her only being 22? To me, she sounded an older woman. Kids talk differently these days. Maybe you should make her an older woman, this way it's easier for you, and also more dramatic I think, since an older woman is much more fragile and insecure about her appearance.
Oh, i guess this is it. Happy rewrites.
reply by the author on 16-Jun-2010
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HI, Barbara.
Oh, where to start? GREAT IDEA. This is a new and growing thing this days, isn't? meeting someone on-line. But feeling you're really in love? Him paying for the trip? Really meeting somewhere? And when the woman is only 22? This is something.
Now, lots of questions and concerns. First of all, you probably thought about it a lot and decided that this is a mystery you don't want to solve for us. But I do want it solved. I want to see them meet and talk. I want to know his reaction and her reaction, etc. The way you wrote this left me disappointed, but I suppose it's a matter of taste. You also might think any resolution would make it more trivial, but I think it's your job as a writer, to find a resolution that would NOT be trivial.
Now, point of view. It's all so mixed up. Honest to God, I could not see a clear difference between those ports of story you typed in italics and those you didn't because to me, it's all one long monologue. Personally, you're setting a trap for yourself here, because you need to give us some information that looks lame in a monologue. For instance,
----We were going to get married after graduation. Then I caught him in bed with Linda. How could he sleep with her? The bastard! The pain of catching them together plagued me for over a year. Then I started communicating with Jacob. He made me feel it was safe to fall in love again.--
This is not inner monologue. We don't talk like that to ourselves. This is exposition, giving the reader some information the reader needs, something the woman doesn't have to tell herself because she knows it perfectly.
On the other hand, the reader does need this information,l so I would switch POV and make it a third-person narrative while keeping the focus on the woman, with some pieces of inner monologue if you want.
Also, just how much do you insist on her only being 22? To me, she sounded an older woman. Kids talk differently these days. Maybe you should make her an older woman, this way it's easier for you, and also more dramatic I think, since an older woman is much more fragile and insecure about her appearance.
Oh, i guess this is it. Happy rewrites.
Comment Written 16-Jun-2010
reply by the author on 16-Jun-2010
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Part two is coming as soon as I earn the pumps to post. I mentioned the author's notes that this is only part one. I am firm this young lady is only 22. I actually know this lady and she is going through this. I have added a few elements to make the story more interesting, but most of the internal turmoil is there. An older lady wouldn't have so much internal turmoil.
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That's great that part two is coming. I will definitely read this. I still think the monologue sounds all wrong for a 22-year-old, but maybe it's that I know mostly city kids, with their "totally" and "like" and "awesome" and short phrasing, etc. It's good that you know her, try listening to her talk. She must have some specific characteristics to her speech. Bring them into your writing.
Comment from zoocq
I cannot wait to read part two. I am very curious about Jacob and where these two people will go from here. A great read and well written.
reply by the author on 16-Jun-2010
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I cannot wait to read part two. I am very curious about Jacob and where these two people will go from here. A great read and well written.
Comment Written 16-Jun-2010
reply by the author on 16-Jun-2010
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Thank you for your kind review.
