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Somebody knows . . . somebody always knows.71 total reviews
Comment from Gert sherwood
A 6 plus in my eyes for your Hallown story.
( it's like a Crypt horror Tale)
I see we have keynoter Stephen King in our world of creepy writing.
You did wonders by going into such clear details
( I have to say very intense)
Gert
reply by the author on 30-Oct-2009
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A 6 plus in my eyes for your Hallown story.
( it's like a Crypt horror Tale)
I see we have keynoter Stephen King in our world of creepy writing.
You did wonders by going into such clear details
( I have to say very intense)
Gert
Comment Written 30-Oct-2009
reply by the author on 30-Oct-2009
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Awww. Thanks so much,Gert. Stephen King???? No way, Jose! I wish...LOL..It is sort of like crypt horror isn't it? Remember those comic books? LOL...I am just glad you could take the story...warnings and all...Some folks our age have reservations about realistic stuff like this...Life is not pretty sometimes...ya know? I'm glad you saw me as deserving a six even if you didn't have one left...Thanks again, Gert...Bob
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Bob you are welcome
Take care
and good luck
Gert
Comment from Amicus
Good writing, Bob. Graphic sex, gory mad murder, boring nosy neighbor, dismemberment, dark eerie burial at night, and a heart attack evoking shocker of a "the cat came back" ending! What more could one ask of a Halloween horror thriller tale. I enjoyed reading it...my favorite line was "Rest in pieces"--very funny. Seem like you depict cosmic justice in this one...serves Tony right for not being nicer to old Charlie. :>)
Other than maybe being "unbalanced" in the time and space given some episodes in comparison to others perhaps more plot significant, this was well crafted. Good luck in the competition.
reply by the author on 30-Oct-2009
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Good writing, Bob. Graphic sex, gory mad murder, boring nosy neighbor, dismemberment, dark eerie burial at night, and a heart attack evoking shocker of a "the cat came back" ending! What more could one ask of a Halloween horror thriller tale. I enjoyed reading it...my favorite line was "Rest in pieces"--very funny. Seem like you depict cosmic justice in this one...serves Tony right for not being nicer to old Charlie. :>)
Other than maybe being "unbalanced" in the time and space given some episodes in comparison to others perhaps more plot significant, this was well crafted. Good luck in the competition.
Comment Written 30-Oct-2009
reply by the author on 30-Oct-2009
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Wow! What a grear review, Amicus! I appreciate all of this, especially coming from you...I know it has many "burps" bur hey, it's meant to be a "funner"...LOL...Bob
Comment from Marjorie D.
Ha! So he really DID hear someone ... or something out in the boonies when he buried the bags of body parts. Whoever or whatever it was had a ghoulish sense of humor. Loved it!
I took a drink of water during the opening portion and I think it turned to steam. LOL Nice going all the way around, Bob. Good luck! I don't think you need it.
XO
Marjorie
reply by the author on 30-Oct-2009
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Ha! So he really DID hear someone ... or something out in the boonies when he buried the bags of body parts. Whoever or whatever it was had a ghoulish sense of humor. Loved it!
I took a drink of water during the opening portion and I think it turned to steam. LOL Nice going all the way around, Bob. Good luck! I don't think you need it.
XO
Marjorie
Comment Written 30-Oct-2009
reply by the author on 30-Oct-2009
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Awww. Thanks Marjorie...I always feel better when I get a good review from you....Bob
Comment from Wild Flower
If I were your wife I'd be extremely faithful! Great story of infidelity, rage and a little supernatural twist at the end. I thought this was really intriguing, sucked me in from the beginning, and got my heart pumping. I hated to see the story end. It was wonderful.
reply by the author on 30-Oct-2009
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If I were your wife I'd be extremely faithful! Great story of infidelity, rage and a little supernatural twist at the end. I thought this was really intriguing, sucked me in from the beginning, and got my heart pumping. I hated to see the story end. It was wonderful.
Comment Written 30-Oct-2009
reply by the author on 30-Oct-2009
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Thanks so much, Jo...That was what I was aiming for and you made my day....Bob
Comment from lola29
Now that was a real Halloween horror story. It had all the ingredients to appeal to all your readers. I think you've won this contest.
reply by the author on 30-Oct-2009
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Now that was a real Halloween horror story. It had all the ingredients to appeal to all your readers. I think you've won this contest.
Comment Written 30-Oct-2009
reply by the author on 30-Oct-2009
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Nah, I'm sure somebody can top this...I am just glad you liked it, Lola. Bob
Comment from Sally Carter
What a compelling and scary tale!
The opening sex scene lulled the reader into thinking this was going to be the basis and tone of the piece, which of course, it later proved not to be. Personally I thought this section was perhaps a bit longer and more graphic than it needed to be, but I guess I don't read many books of this kind, so what do I know!
Tony's language, both internal and in dialogue, felt convincing.
You built the suspense up splendidly as he entered the house and heard the couple upstairs, culminating in his shout of "Heeeeeeeeer's Toneeeee!" which was very chilling.
The doorbell chiming added to the tension and I found myself wanting Charlie to go away, though why I should want to save your deranged murderer, heaven knows!
And of course, the pay off was absolutely splendid.
I didn't spot any spags, and I reckon this will be a strong entry. Sally
reply by the author on 30-Oct-2009
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What a compelling and scary tale!
The opening sex scene lulled the reader into thinking this was going to be the basis and tone of the piece, which of course, it later proved not to be. Personally I thought this section was perhaps a bit longer and more graphic than it needed to be, but I guess I don't read many books of this kind, so what do I know!
Tony's language, both internal and in dialogue, felt convincing.
You built the suspense up splendidly as he entered the house and heard the couple upstairs, culminating in his shout of "Heeeeeeeeer's Toneeeee!" which was very chilling.
The doorbell chiming added to the tension and I found myself wanting Charlie to go away, though why I should want to save your deranged murderer, heaven knows!
And of course, the pay off was absolutely splendid.
I didn't spot any spags, and I reckon this will be a strong entry. Sally
Comment Written 30-Oct-2009
reply by the author on 30-Oct-2009
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Wow! Very nice review, Sally. I mean it is in depth, too. I have no more nominations left or I would nominate you. You put a goodly amount of time in reading and reviewing my story...Thanks so much...Bob
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thanks Bob - it was well worth the time. Sally
Comment from FredCollingwood
Holy Crap! Mastery. You have it al in this post. Very sexy and chilling. A couple of minor things you might look at:
Her blouse went first( -- )slowly( -- )then her jeans, leaving a soft blue lace bra filled to the brim > the em dash should be two dashes--no spaces. I love this description!
What the hell . . . ," > per haps a question mark or exclamation point, because she screamed. I'm not sure an ellipsis is appropriate here, since it indicare a gradual drifting off in speech (as if she lost her train of thought)--the exact opposite of a scream.
reply by the author on 30-Oct-2009
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Holy Crap! Mastery. You have it al in this post. Very sexy and chilling. A couple of minor things you might look at:
Her blouse went first( -- )slowly( -- )then her jeans, leaving a soft blue lace bra filled to the brim > the em dash should be two dashes--no spaces. I love this description!
What the hell . . . ," > per haps a question mark or exclamation point, because she screamed. I'm not sure an ellipsis is appropriate here, since it indicare a gradual drifting off in speech (as if she lost her train of thought)--the exact opposite of a scream.
Comment Written 30-Oct-2009
reply by the author on 30-Oct-2009
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Hi, Fred...Two very good points you have here. It amazes me how many people have reviewed this and not even mentioned either..LOL...Glad you liked it...Bob
Comment from DrCarter2001
Hi, Bob. There is some good action in this piece, but I had trouble getting past the graphic sex in the beginning to realize that this was a horror/thriller piece. You really want to set the tone for the piece right in the beginning; when I read this, I thought it was going to be a smut book story and had to force myself to skip ahead. While famous writers do include sex scenes, if this is going to be a horror story then you need to introduce tension right away. You hint at tension with the husband maybe returning, but for horror you need to jump in with both feet. If you want to have a sex scene in the beginning, then you better have a psycho killer jump in while they're in the middle of the act, or something has to happen.
I will say that if you want to keep the graphic sex scenes, you should label this as adult fiction. There are high school students and younger on this site, and the warnings about highest level of sex and violence don't appear until they actually start reading the story. At some point, some parent might flag this as inappropriate without the "adult" warning (which requires the reader to confirm he or she is over 18 before reading). Just FYI.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 30-Oct-2009
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Hi, Bob. There is some good action in this piece, but I had trouble getting past the graphic sex in the beginning to realize that this was a horror/thriller piece. You really want to set the tone for the piece right in the beginning; when I read this, I thought it was going to be a smut book story and had to force myself to skip ahead. While famous writers do include sex scenes, if this is going to be a horror story then you need to introduce tension right away. You hint at tension with the husband maybe returning, but for horror you need to jump in with both feet. If you want to have a sex scene in the beginning, then you better have a psycho killer jump in while they're in the middle of the act, or something has to happen.
I will say that if you want to keep the graphic sex scenes, you should label this as adult fiction. There are high school students and younger on this site, and the warnings about highest level of sex and violence don't appear until they actually start reading the story. At some point, some parent might flag this as inappropriate without the "adult" warning (which requires the reader to confirm he or she is over 18 before reading). Just FYI.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 30-Oct-2009
reply by the author on 30-Oct-2009
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Thanks
Comment from Annmuma
Took me a little while to review this -- had to grab a cold shower between parts 1 and 2. lol
Superb story with a surprising ending. I wasn't prepared at all, though the story was written so I could not skip ahead are quit in the middle. No spag and great descriptive, energetic writing. Great contest entry -- got my vote!
Lisa's lover took off his clothes.
--great hook to catch the reader in line one.
An even six foot tall, and sixty-three, Tony still had substantial strength in his massive frame, evident in his long, knotty arms, and broad shoulders. Even the wide girth of his middle carried the promise of exceptional power. His olive complexion and square jaw gave him a handsome face. His black hair was now spiked with traces of gray and he wore a goatee that looked like a cluster of black wire on his chin. His eyebrows were one dark, uninterrupted line.
-- great descriptive paragraph to set the tone for the next section.
Most of the time, talking to him was like driving an RV across North Dakota at seven miles per hour. Except less interesting.
-- love this line!
reply by the author on 30-Oct-2009
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Took me a little while to review this -- had to grab a cold shower between parts 1 and 2. lol
Superb story with a surprising ending. I wasn't prepared at all, though the story was written so I could not skip ahead are quit in the middle. No spag and great descriptive, energetic writing. Great contest entry -- got my vote!
Lisa's lover took off his clothes.
--great hook to catch the reader in line one.
An even six foot tall, and sixty-three, Tony still had substantial strength in his massive frame, evident in his long, knotty arms, and broad shoulders. Even the wide girth of his middle carried the promise of exceptional power. His olive complexion and square jaw gave him a handsome face. His black hair was now spiked with traces of gray and he wore a goatee that looked like a cluster of black wire on his chin. His eyebrows were one dark, uninterrupted line.
-- great descriptive paragraph to set the tone for the next section.
Most of the time, talking to him was like driving an RV across North Dakota at seven miles per hour. Except less interesting.
-- love this line!
Comment Written 30-Oct-2009
reply by the author on 30-Oct-2009
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What a great review, Ann...I do so appreciate your reviews so much as I consider you one of the better writers on here Yes, I like d my hook here also...I am constantly trying to convince people in my reviews how important that first line is..(I realize you know) Have you ever read a little book called "HOOKED" Well worth while, believe me. ..Take care....Bob
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I'm not sure whether I have read "Hooked" or not, but I have spent a lot of time studying how to write something in such a way that someone wants to read it. Sometimes I'll read something I posted on fanstory eons ago and I'm a bit embarrassed how poorly done it is. I finally learned if you don't catch the reader in the first paragraph, you're probably going to lose them before they finish the second one. Then it doesn't matter what you have to say because nobody's listening.
Thanks for your nice compliment. I thoroughly enjoy reviewing you work because it is something I would want to read whether reviewing or not.
ann
Comment from Writeaway...
I like reading a good horror story shortly before Halloween, I like to get into the mood before the night. Your story definately got me into the mood, excellent job Mastery, great job.
reply by the author on 30-Oct-2009
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I like reading a good horror story shortly before Halloween, I like to get into the mood before the night. Your story definately got me into the mood, excellent job Mastery, great job.
Comment Written 30-Oct-2009
reply by the author on 30-Oct-2009
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Well, thanks so much for your kind review, Jakey. LOL...I am glad I got you in the "mood" Now go out and cut up some meat...Bob
