Of You I Feel This Way
When someone grabs your heart and never lets go32 total reviews
Comment from AvL
We have a number of problems here, especially with irregular rhyme and meter. In line two, fireflies may sparkle, but they do not iridesce. In line eight: How are wines "balanced in perfection?" In line ten: Geisha- girls never frolic; on the contrary, their movements are tightly- controlled ... choreographed, one might say. In the final line: How can "the depth of adoration" raise the poet to (that cliche') "cloud nine?" The bathos of this poem is apparent; however, its execution is lacking.
The solution for these issues is more discipline.
AvL
reply by the author on 20-Nov-2019
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We have a number of problems here, especially with irregular rhyme and meter. In line two, fireflies may sparkle, but they do not iridesce. In line eight: How are wines "balanced in perfection?" In line ten: Geisha- girls never frolic; on the contrary, their movements are tightly- controlled ... choreographed, one might say. In the final line: How can "the depth of adoration" raise the poet to (that cliche') "cloud nine?" The bathos of this poem is apparent; however, its execution is lacking.
The solution for these issues is more discipline.
AvL
Comment Written 20-Nov-2019
reply by the author on 20-Nov-2019
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Effective and pure input with obvious issues that have been corrected I appreciate your honest review. That?s is a lesson I needed.
Comment from Sharon Haiste
I think this is a good entry for the Love Poem contest.
This is a clear and well rhymed description of the one you love.
Well done and good luck to you with the contest.
Sharon
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 20-Nov-2019
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I think this is a good entry for the Love Poem contest.
This is a clear and well rhymed description of the one you love.
Well done and good luck to you with the contest.
Sharon
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 20-Nov-2019
reply by the author on 20-Nov-2019
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Thanks I did receive good input to improve my efforts which precisely why I am
On FanStory. To learn to improve..
