Perennials of War
Viewing comments for Chapter 1 "Chapter One part Eine"Is Anderson a gallant knight? Can he recover Shan
40 total reviews
Comment from Phyllis Stewart
A terrific start. Nice job at keeping up the tension, having the men run at the car at the end.
She walking down Fifth Avenue. <-- Word missing: began? started?
I should've waited until Aaron [could've] come. <-- Just plain COULD
stores' window. <-- store's window --OR-- stores' windows
reply by the author on 06-Nov-2016
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A terrific start. Nice job at keeping up the tension, having the men run at the car at the end.
She walking down Fifth Avenue. <-- Word missing: began? started?
I should've waited until Aaron [could've] come. <-- Just plain COULD
stores' window. <-- store's window --OR-- stores' windows
Comment Written 06-Nov-2016
reply by the author on 06-Nov-2016
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I was afraid I had lost you. I am so happy you have stayed, at least for awhile. I have made the corrections. I appreciate your help and your friendship.
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Thanks. I'll stick with it until it gets weird, and maybe it won't, since you're writing it. I like the beginning... nice suspense. :)
Comment from Mrs Happy Poet
Yes this is well written I enjoyed and yes I will want to read more to find out what happens has Shana done the right thing jumping into the car well-done regards Jill
reply by the author on 06-Nov-2016
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Yes this is well written I enjoyed and yes I will want to read more to find out what happens has Shana done the right thing jumping into the car well-done regards Jill
Comment Written 06-Nov-2016
reply by the author on 06-Nov-2016
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Thank you for the kind review.
Comment from Jay Squires
Great opening chapter. You established place and character, set up some suspense and ended with her in what could be a position as awkward as the one she was trying to avoid.
Just a few points:
making sure it didn't creep to high. ... didn't creep TOO high.]
, searched for a ten dollar bill, and placed it on the table. [...searched for a TEN-DOLLAR bill...]
The driver gave her an once-over glance [... gave her A once-over glance]
reply by the author on 06-Nov-2016
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Great opening chapter. You established place and character, set up some suspense and ended with her in what could be a position as awkward as the one she was trying to avoid.
Just a few points:
making sure it didn't creep to high. ... didn't creep TOO high.]
, searched for a ten dollar bill, and placed it on the table. [...searched for a TEN-DOLLAR bill...]
The driver gave her an once-over glance [... gave her A once-over glance]
Comment Written 06-Nov-2016
reply by the author on 06-Nov-2016
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I made the corrections. I knew the first two, they were an oversight, but the last one. I debated over and finally went with 'an because 'once' begins with a vowel. It sounds better 'a once' but I just didn't know. Thank you for the help.
Comment from Theresia Riggs
Hi, I really liked your story, however, I did get a bit lost, and confused. Not enough clarity in some places. Like where is the coffee shop located? Three men in glasses? What kind of glasses? I assumed it was sunglasses used as a disguise? I have taken the liberty of re-writing some of the sentences for your perusal. Not to change your writing style, but only as an example of clarification of: Who, What, Where, and Why...
" Shana Kohlberg left the Metropolitan Museum of Art and stepped onto the Fifth Avenue sidewalk. In her right hand, she held a black satchel. She glanced at her watch. Good, it's only two-thirty. I can get a cup of coffee down the street at Maggie's coffee shop, make sure these papers get put into the hotel safe, and still have time for some sight-seeing before the Sabbat begins.
She stopped at a nearby store display to admire a blue satin dress. "Wow! I could never afford that designer. Do people really pay those outrageous prices?" She stared at her own reflection in the window, straightened her ivory knit bolero shrug, and adjusted the shoulder strap on her purse. My dress is just as classy, and I didn't pay half that much, she gushed. I'd best get a move on.
As she continued to walk, she noticed three men in black suits and dark sunglasses follow her. I'm pretty sure it's my imagination. Why would these men be interested in me? I'm only a high school English teacher.
Having reached Maggie's out door caf�?�©, she picked up the menu, took a seat, and laid the black satchel across her lap. With Maggie's prices, she wasn't about to order any food. It wasn't long before a young waitress came to her table. "I'll have a small coffee, thank you, she said."
"Will that be all? The waitress smiled, may I recommend our pasties. They're really quite good."
reply by the author on 06-Nov-2016
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Hi, I really liked your story, however, I did get a bit lost, and confused. Not enough clarity in some places. Like where is the coffee shop located? Three men in glasses? What kind of glasses? I assumed it was sunglasses used as a disguise? I have taken the liberty of re-writing some of the sentences for your perusal. Not to change your writing style, but only as an example of clarification of: Who, What, Where, and Why...
" Shana Kohlberg left the Metropolitan Museum of Art and stepped onto the Fifth Avenue sidewalk. In her right hand, she held a black satchel. She glanced at her watch. Good, it's only two-thirty. I can get a cup of coffee down the street at Maggie's coffee shop, make sure these papers get put into the hotel safe, and still have time for some sight-seeing before the Sabbat begins.
She stopped at a nearby store display to admire a blue satin dress. "Wow! I could never afford that designer. Do people really pay those outrageous prices?" She stared at her own reflection in the window, straightened her ivory knit bolero shrug, and adjusted the shoulder strap on her purse. My dress is just as classy, and I didn't pay half that much, she gushed. I'd best get a move on.
As she continued to walk, she noticed three men in black suits and dark sunglasses follow her. I'm pretty sure it's my imagination. Why would these men be interested in me? I'm only a high school English teacher.
Having reached Maggie's out door caf�?�©, she picked up the menu, took a seat, and laid the black satchel across her lap. With Maggie's prices, she wasn't about to order any food. It wasn't long before a young waitress came to her table. "I'll have a small coffee, thank you, she said."
"Will that be all? The waitress smiled, may I recommend our pasties. They're really quite good."
Comment Written 06-Nov-2016
reply by the author on 06-Nov-2016
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Thank you for your suggestions but it's not my style and it's NOT who Shana is. Like where is the coffee shop located? (I stated on Fifth Ave.) Three men in glasses? What kind of glasses? (stated sunglasses)
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Hi, Barbara, I didn't mean to ruffle your feathers, however, I do realize that every writer has their own style. I gave you a 5 this time, it was the highest number on my score thingy... didn't mean to give you a lower score. I split up my 6 points between you and one other person, thinking I only had 6 points for all week! Very confusing. Anyway, I have put the first chapter of my novel on for review, and I hope I get honest feed back, no matter what kind. Every writer has their own style of writing.
Comment from judiverse
Bravo for your first chapter. You get down to business with the mysterious men in black suits (FBI) following her. One even pays for her brownie. You also get in quite a bit of information about Shana, too. We know she's an English instructor, and she must be pretty sensible, as she isn't falling for the high prices of clothing she sees. We'll have to wait and see why someone wants to keep tabs on her. That's kind of a nervy decision she makes at the end of this post to elude the men shadowing her by jumping into the Jaguar. It'll be interesting to see what comes of this. judi
reply by the author on 06-Nov-2016
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Bravo for your first chapter. You get down to business with the mysterious men in black suits (FBI) following her. One even pays for her brownie. You also get in quite a bit of information about Shana, too. We know she's an English instructor, and she must be pretty sensible, as she isn't falling for the high prices of clothing she sees. We'll have to wait and see why someone wants to keep tabs on her. That's kind of a nervy decision she makes at the end of this post to elude the men shadowing her by jumping into the Jaguar. It'll be interesting to see what comes of this. judi
Comment Written 06-Nov-2016
reply by the author on 06-Nov-2016
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Thank you for the kind review.
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You're welcome. I love this. judi
Comment from light
I am really going to enjoy this book. I was hooked from beginning to end. Who are those three mysterious men? Looking forward to the next chapter.
Elaine
reply by the author on 06-Nov-2016
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I am really going to enjoy this book. I was hooked from beginning to end. Who are those three mysterious men? Looking forward to the next chapter.
Elaine
Comment Written 06-Nov-2016
reply by the author on 06-Nov-2016
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Thank you for the kind review.
Comment from royowen
In only a few phrases you've managed to create a lot of tension and intrigue with Shana being followed by three men with dark glasses, possibly G men, and in an effort to escape them, hops in a stranger's car, based purely on him looking "nice"! Well done, Barbara, excellent opening episode, you've captured my attention immediately, blessings, Roy
Typo : when Shana looked (in) his direction, he waved.
reply by the author on 06-Nov-2016
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In only a few phrases you've managed to create a lot of tension and intrigue with Shana being followed by three men with dark glasses, possibly G men, and in an effort to escape them, hops in a stranger's car, based purely on him looking "nice"! Well done, Barbara, excellent opening episode, you've captured my attention immediately, blessings, Roy
Typo : when Shana looked (in) his direction, he waved.
Comment Written 06-Nov-2016
reply by the author on 06-Nov-2016
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I just fixed that typo. I'm beginning to think those little words escape from my manuscript. LOL thank you for the encouragement.
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Great opening Barb
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Thank you, a newbie gave me three stars rewrote my post to show me how it should be done.
Comment from Lu Saluna
A very intriguing beginning. I really like how you portray Shana with a great deal of self esteem and confidence right from the start.
I am a first time reader of your work (apart from the prologue) and I sense this is going to be a real "page turner". It took great courage and bravery for Shana to jump into someone's car the way she did, extremely creative.
I really like the amount of detail included, authentication is great for that feeling of being there.
reply by the author on 06-Nov-2016
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A very intriguing beginning. I really like how you portray Shana with a great deal of self esteem and confidence right from the start.
I am a first time reader of your work (apart from the prologue) and I sense this is going to be a real "page turner". It took great courage and bravery for Shana to jump into someone's car the way she did, extremely creative.
I really like the amount of detail included, authentication is great for that feeling of being there.
Comment Written 06-Nov-2016
reply by the author on 06-Nov-2016
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Thank you for the kind review. I hope you return.
Comment from Thomas Bowling
A very good addition to your book. It opens up a world of possibilities. Who are the three men? Who is the night in shining Jaguar?
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 06-Nov-2016
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A very good addition to your book. It opens up a world of possibilities. Who are the three men? Who is the night in shining Jaguar?
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 06-Nov-2016
reply by the author on 06-Nov-2016
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Thank you for the kind review. I always worry about my first few reviews. They tell me if the post is going to work or not. LOL
Comment from c_lucas
This is a very interesting read. You show your courage by choosing a very difficult period in History. I like the idea of her making a getaway with a handsome man in a Jaguar. Very good job.
reply by the author on 06-Nov-2016
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This is a very interesting read. You show your courage by choosing a very difficult period in History. I like the idea of her making a getaway with a handsome man in a Jaguar. Very good job.
Comment Written 06-Nov-2016
reply by the author on 06-Nov-2016
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Thank you for the kind review.
