The savage stranger
Horro writing prompt32 total reviews
Comment from Silence_is_golden233
Very well written and unnerving, though you might need to work on sentence structure a little. Just to make it a bit more reader friendly?
'A single thrust of a long blade glimmered upward through left jaw piercing penetrating the brain.' < - This seems a little clunky, I would suggest rewording it? The words 'piercing' and 'penetrating' have similar meanings making one or both seem superfluous when placed in the same sentence. I want your writing to shine, extra description can be wonderful but at times can clutter a sentence up.
The idea that the man behind the door is the protagonists' victim changes suddenly. Is that by design? It's jarring, which depending on how you do it, can add or detract from your work. Overall I wish you luck in the contest and you've done a very good job. :)
- Silence
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reply by the author on 13-Nov-2014
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Very well written and unnerving, though you might need to work on sentence structure a little. Just to make it a bit more reader friendly?
'A single thrust of a long blade glimmered upward through left jaw piercing penetrating the brain.' < - This seems a little clunky, I would suggest rewording it? The words 'piercing' and 'penetrating' have similar meanings making one or both seem superfluous when placed in the same sentence. I want your writing to shine, extra description can be wonderful but at times can clutter a sentence up.
The idea that the man behind the door is the protagonists' victim changes suddenly. Is that by design? It's jarring, which depending on how you do it, can add or detract from your work. Overall I wish you luck in the contest and you've done a very good job. :)
- Silence
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 13-Nov-2014
reply by the author on 13-Nov-2014
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I apologize, I thought I had time to edit before anyone had a chance to read it. Thank you for this most inspiring review and I would love it if you read the edited piece. God bless!
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It's alright, I just kind of jumped on in to try and help out (I'm not known for my in depth 'you need to fix this' reviews...my mum says my reviews are encouraging though). I'd love to read your edited version and you don't need to apologise (sometimes even if we edit our work people can see something that we forgot).
We're a community raising each other up and helping no matter what. I'm happy to read, give opinions and encouragement.
God bless you too :)
Comment from lancellot
An interesting accounting from the point of view of a killer. It is all telling though in narration form. It seems to lack a flash fiction ending. I know it's hard to make a complete tale in so few words.
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reply by the author on 13-Nov-2014
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An interesting accounting from the point of view of a killer. It is all telling though in narration form. It seems to lack a flash fiction ending. I know it's hard to make a complete tale in so few words.
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The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 13-Nov-2014
reply by the author on 13-Nov-2014
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I am very new at this flash fiction thing and would love a little direction. I am unsure of how to properly end this piece. Any suggestions are welcome. God bless!
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Flash fiction, requires a complete story in the fewest amount of words. The flash part is an unexpected ending, a twist that the reader didn't see coming because they were so engrossed in the tale, that they the clues or misdirection.
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Excellent help, thank you for this informative feedback. If you would be so kind as to review ending once more, i would certainly appreciate it. God bless!
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Interesting, no the reader doesn't see that coming, with the hunter becoming the victim.
note:
A single thrust of a long blade glimmered upward through {left} jaw piercing penetrating the brain.
Are jaws left and right or upper and lower?
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LOL! Sorry, I became excited and failed to edit the revisions. It is definitely upper, lower. If I haven't already nominated you for the reviewer reward and I am certainly going to now. God bless!
