Day Off (Part-1)
First day off in a month, Bob heads for the beach49 total reviews
Comment from country ranch writer
ALL IT TAKES IS ON SECOND AND BAM YOU HIT SOMETHING OR SOME ONE, SHE IS VERY LUCKY LADY TO HAVE SUCH A NICE CHEEZY POLICE MAN WITH AN ITCH TO TAME HER AND THE MAN IN FRONT THAT SHE HIT TRYING TO CALM HER DOWN WITH REAL CONCERN FOR HER WELL BEING. GOOD JOB
reply by the author on 20-Aug-2014
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ALL IT TAKES IS ON SECOND AND BAM YOU HIT SOMETHING OR SOME ONE, SHE IS VERY LUCKY LADY TO HAVE SUCH A NICE CHEEZY POLICE MAN WITH AN ITCH TO TAME HER AND THE MAN IN FRONT THAT SHE HIT TRYING TO CALM HER DOWN WITH REAL CONCERN FOR HER WELL BEING. GOOD JOB
Comment Written 20-Aug-2014
reply by the author on 20-Aug-2014
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Thank you so much for taking time to read the first part of my story. Your kind words and generous review are greatly appreciated, my friend. :-)
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WELCOME WAITING FOR MORE OF YOUR STORY
Comment from kiwijenny
I already like it fine....I understand about making chapters shorter on this site or you don't get any reviews,....this is intriguing...the mother in me already wishes Bob had got his head checked out....hmmm wonder what that will mean
Well written
God bless
reply by the author on 20-Aug-2014
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I already like it fine....I understand about making chapters shorter on this site or you don't get any reviews,....this is intriguing...the mother in me already wishes Bob had got his head checked out....hmmm wonder what that will mean
Well written
God bless
Comment Written 20-Aug-2014
reply by the author on 20-Aug-2014
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Thank you so much for taking time to read the first part of my story. Your kind words and generous review are greatly appreciated. Sounds like your mother and mine had the same teachings. Thanks :-)
Comment from adewpearl
Dazed and confused, he - add comma
a dramatic opening with excellent detail of the crash and the setting
Definitely a fascinating way for a couple to meet
good natural-sounding dialogue throughout
Bob is stupid not to have gotten checked out, for insurance purposes if nothing else...
Brooke
reply by the author on 20-Aug-2014
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Dazed and confused, he - add comma
a dramatic opening with excellent detail of the crash and the setting
Definitely a fascinating way for a couple to meet
good natural-sounding dialogue throughout
Bob is stupid not to have gotten checked out, for insurance purposes if nothing else...
Brooke
Comment Written 20-Aug-2014
reply by the author on 20-Aug-2014
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Thanks so much, Brooke, for taking time to read the first part of my story. Your kind words, generous review, and suggestions are always greatly appreciated. :-)
Comment from drivenbackward
Hi, Ric. Nothing too out of the ordinary here, but still a good pace. A few grammatical notes to consider:
First day off work in a month, and twenty minutes from the beach, were Bob Martin's last thoughts just before impact. -- In italics: First day off work in a month, and twenty minutes from the beach, (not in italtics) Bob thought just before impact. You can weave his last name in later. For the hook, you want something quick and powerful. But you don't even need a last name.
pissed-off motorists staring at him as the reason for their inconvenience. -- Changed tense
About that time, a police officer walked up to Bob and said, -- Delete 'About that time'
"Officer Watson isn't it," -- "Office Watson, isn't it?"
He nodded yes and tipped his cap as she continued, -- Delete 'yes'. A nod indicates yes.
reply by the author on 20-Aug-2014
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Hi, Ric. Nothing too out of the ordinary here, but still a good pace. A few grammatical notes to consider:
First day off work in a month, and twenty minutes from the beach, were Bob Martin's last thoughts just before impact. -- In italics: First day off work in a month, and twenty minutes from the beach, (not in italtics) Bob thought just before impact. You can weave his last name in later. For the hook, you want something quick and powerful. But you don't even need a last name.
pissed-off motorists staring at him as the reason for their inconvenience. -- Changed tense
About that time, a police officer walked up to Bob and said, -- Delete 'About that time'
"Officer Watson isn't it," -- "Office Watson, isn't it?"
He nodded yes and tipped his cap as she continued, -- Delete 'yes'. A nod indicates yes.
Comment Written 20-Aug-2014
reply by the author on 20-Aug-2014
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Thanks for taking time to read the first part of my story. Your kind words, generous review, and helpful suggestions are greatly appreciated. :-)
Comment from mfowler
Actually, I didn't find it boring. It whet my appetite for Pt 2. I have to say, I loved how quickly I was able to get into this. That crash was so well related, I felt the impact in my mind. The dilly dally with the cop and the woman was great, and you certainly surprised with Bob's assertive approach to the young woman at the end. Yes, thi shsould be worth reading on.
reply by the author on 20-Aug-2014
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Actually, I didn't find it boring. It whet my appetite for Pt 2. I have to say, I loved how quickly I was able to get into this. That crash was so well related, I felt the impact in my mind. The dilly dally with the cop and the woman was great, and you certainly surprised with Bob's assertive approach to the young woman at the end. Yes, thi shsould be worth reading on.
Comment Written 20-Aug-2014
reply by the author on 20-Aug-2014
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Thank you so much for taking time to read the first part of my story. Your kind words and generous review are greatly appreciated. :-)
Comment from Green Lake Girl
Nice start to your story, Ric. This isn't boring; after all, the story begins with a car accident. Bob seemed to recover rather quickly from having his head shaken up. Maybe that's what a helpless female does to a man! LOL
reply by the author on 20-Aug-2014
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Nice start to your story, Ric. This isn't boring; after all, the story begins with a car accident. Bob seemed to recover rather quickly from having his head shaken up. Maybe that's what a helpless female does to a man! LOL
Comment Written 20-Aug-2014
reply by the author on 20-Aug-2014
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Thank you so much for taking time to read the first part of my story. Your kind words and generous review are greatly appreciated. All men turn to jello in women's hands, suckers who fall for those special little smiles, at least if we aren't stupid. :-)
Comment from AAud
After reading the author notes, I'm intrigued to see where the story will go.
When I started reading, I thought Bob was dead and his ghost asked Libby if she was all right. Later, when he refused the officer's suggestion to get checked out by an EMT I thought the story would be about the complications of not getting medical attention right away. Then you showed us Officer Watson's interest in Libby and later Bob's interest in her. That turned it into another story altogether.
So far, I'm not sure what story you're telling, but it is well written and has realistic dialog. After reading part 2, the ambiguity may turn out to be exactly what the story needs, or it could mean you need to get more focused in the telling of this story.
Only part 2 will determine which thought is correct. Can't wait to read it!
reply by the author on 20-Aug-2014
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After reading the author notes, I'm intrigued to see where the story will go.
When I started reading, I thought Bob was dead and his ghost asked Libby if she was all right. Later, when he refused the officer's suggestion to get checked out by an EMT I thought the story would be about the complications of not getting medical attention right away. Then you showed us Officer Watson's interest in Libby and later Bob's interest in her. That turned it into another story altogether.
So far, I'm not sure what story you're telling, but it is well written and has realistic dialog. After reading part 2, the ambiguity may turn out to be exactly what the story needs, or it could mean you need to get more focused in the telling of this story.
Only part 2 will determine which thought is correct. Can't wait to read it!
Comment Written 20-Aug-2014
reply by the author on 20-Aug-2014
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Thank you so much for taking time to read the first part of my story. Your kind words, comments, and generous review are greatly appreciated. I'm glad my intentions to make reader's minds wonder in different directions worked. Now, I just hope part two doesn't disappoint. :-)
Comment from hvysmker
First day off work in a month, and twenty minutes from the beach, were Bob Martin's last thoughts just before impact.
*** I'd take out the commas? They don't serve any purpose.
Tires squealed as the minivan slammed the rear of his BMW with the force of a tank and the crunch of metal combined with sounds of busting glass.
*** Good picture.
Dazed and confused he stretched and rubbed his neck, and complained of feeling little needles prickling all over his head.
*** And Splice. ".....he stretched, rubbed his neck, and complained...." Also, who was he complaining to? Maybe, "......and felt little needles of pain prickling throughout his head." ?
The crash reverberated in his head as the shriek of sirens and people pounding on his driver-side window added to his nausea.
*** "Head" used in consecutive sentences. I'd simply drop all until "The shriek....."?
Somehow, he managed to open the door and catch his balance to stand. There he was, standing right in the middle of the intersection.
*** "Stand" in consecutive sentences. Can easily drop on of the words. Such as "There he was, right in...."? Or end the previous sentence with "....catch his balance." ?
Traffic stopped in all directions, and every one of the pissed-off motorists staring at him as the reason for their inconvenience.
*** I'd use "directions, with everyone of the....." ?
Still nervous and faint spoken, she said, "Libby Randall is my name," as she reached into her purse for her license and handed them to the officer.
*** I can understand the cop saying "......is my name", but her reply seems too stilted for me. I'd use, "Libby ... Libby Randall"?
The officer collected licenses and insurance information from Bob Martin and Libby Randall, and called a wrecker to pick up her car and drop it off at a nearby auto-body repair shop, which he had recommended.
*** Never let the cop do that. Most cities are under a bidded contract to garages. Not only do you pay exorbitant rates but a kickback to the city. Conversely, the cop has his own kickback you have to pay for. Better, if you're able, to call a garage on your own to pick up the vehicle. That is, if a wrecker doesn't show up as if by magic. Even then, you can negotiate.
*** One thing I'd like to know is "Who was MV1? Who got the ticket? It seems like Libby's fault. She should have gotten a ticket. And shouldn't she wait for the wrecker in order to sign the car over to him and arrange payment, such as a credit card? Wrecker drivers need someone to sign the car over to them, either the owner, driver, or police officer.
The story advances well, but with noted inconsistencies any reader would pick up on. The entire matter seems to be so nonchalant to both individuals. "What did you do today, dear?" "Oh, lets see. I ate breakfast at McDonalds, stopped at the bank, wrecked the car, went to a doctor's appointment, and then came home. Nothing much, honey."
Charlie
reply by the author on 20-Aug-2014
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First day off work in a month, and twenty minutes from the beach, were Bob Martin's last thoughts just before impact.
*** I'd take out the commas? They don't serve any purpose.
Tires squealed as the minivan slammed the rear of his BMW with the force of a tank and the crunch of metal combined with sounds of busting glass.
*** Good picture.
Dazed and confused he stretched and rubbed his neck, and complained of feeling little needles prickling all over his head.
*** And Splice. ".....he stretched, rubbed his neck, and complained...." Also, who was he complaining to? Maybe, "......and felt little needles of pain prickling throughout his head." ?
The crash reverberated in his head as the shriek of sirens and people pounding on his driver-side window added to his nausea.
*** "Head" used in consecutive sentences. I'd simply drop all until "The shriek....."?
Somehow, he managed to open the door and catch his balance to stand. There he was, standing right in the middle of the intersection.
*** "Stand" in consecutive sentences. Can easily drop on of the words. Such as "There he was, right in...."? Or end the previous sentence with "....catch his balance." ?
Traffic stopped in all directions, and every one of the pissed-off motorists staring at him as the reason for their inconvenience.
*** I'd use "directions, with everyone of the....." ?
Still nervous and faint spoken, she said, "Libby Randall is my name," as she reached into her purse for her license and handed them to the officer.
*** I can understand the cop saying "......is my name", but her reply seems too stilted for me. I'd use, "Libby ... Libby Randall"?
The officer collected licenses and insurance information from Bob Martin and Libby Randall, and called a wrecker to pick up her car and drop it off at a nearby auto-body repair shop, which he had recommended.
*** Never let the cop do that. Most cities are under a bidded contract to garages. Not only do you pay exorbitant rates but a kickback to the city. Conversely, the cop has his own kickback you have to pay for. Better, if you're able, to call a garage on your own to pick up the vehicle. That is, if a wrecker doesn't show up as if by magic. Even then, you can negotiate.
*** One thing I'd like to know is "Who was MV1? Who got the ticket? It seems like Libby's fault. She should have gotten a ticket. And shouldn't she wait for the wrecker in order to sign the car over to him and arrange payment, such as a credit card? Wrecker drivers need someone to sign the car over to them, either the owner, driver, or police officer.
The story advances well, but with noted inconsistencies any reader would pick up on. The entire matter seems to be so nonchalant to both individuals. "What did you do today, dear?" "Oh, lets see. I ate breakfast at McDonalds, stopped at the bank, wrecked the car, went to a doctor's appointment, and then came home. Nothing much, honey."
Charlie
Comment Written 20-Aug-2014
reply by the author on 20-Aug-2014
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Thanks for taking time to read the first part of my story, and as always, I can't thank you enough for the extra time you spend helping me correct my blunders and get better. You are right, the cops always recommend a shop that throws them a bone. Where I'm from, the wrecker picks up the car (without a credit card or signature)then, writes up an estimate. The owner contacts them for the estimate, and then makes arrangements to pay if they except the bid. If not, they are still charged storage for the days it has been on their lot. A double whammy. The thieving bastards. I have never seen anyone get a ticket resulting from an accident. I guess that the cops in Chicago, have even another angle to rob us. Thanks. :-)
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Yeah, there are regional differences. When a cop, myself, we usually charged at least one driver with an offence.
There are very few real "accidents". You may be driving along and something fails, such as a steering linkage. That may cause an accident.
Most, though, are from one or more drivers not paying attention or breaking traffic laws. Sometimes I'd charge both drivers with different offences.
With the one in your story, it would probably be the girl for not keeping an assured safe distance from the vehicle in front of her. Possibly also him for defective brake lights, though that wouldn't let her off the hook. She still should have had time and room to stop.
Charlie
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I agree that she should have gotten a ticket. Of course, now that his brake light out crushed, that gives the police the option of charging him too. HE HE.
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Well, it's not supposed to work that way if they're crushed in the accident.
This is a case, though, where you're obviously in a unique situation. Most people are in jurisdictions where tickets would be written. You should either have a ticket written or explain why not. Personally, I think it's better to simply write a ticket into the story.
Charlie
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I think you are right. It's better to cover every scenario than take any chance of people not believing. Thanks, Ric.
Comment from scd41
I did not find the first half boring at all. They say all's well that ends well. Nevertheless, the part two may remove the suspense whether having lunch together led to exciting times. Enjoyed reading the story ie half the story.
reply by the author on 20-Aug-2014
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I did not find the first half boring at all. They say all's well that ends well. Nevertheless, the part two may remove the suspense whether having lunch together led to exciting times. Enjoyed reading the story ie half the story.
Comment Written 20-Aug-2014
reply by the author on 20-Aug-2014
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Thank you so much for taking time to read the first part of my story. Your kind words and generous review are greatly appreciated. :-)
Comment from Jacqueline M Franklin
Hi Ric,
A lot going on. But should she really go with Bob? She doesn't know if he is OR isn't bad news.
Looking forward to Part 2 and find out what's going on. Nice start.
Cheers & Blessings
Keep Smilin'.... Jax (*-*)
reply by the author on 20-Aug-2014
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Hi Ric,
A lot going on. But should she really go with Bob? She doesn't know if he is OR isn't bad news.
Looking forward to Part 2 and find out what's going on. Nice start.
Cheers & Blessings
Keep Smilin'.... Jax (*-*)
Comment Written 20-Aug-2014
reply by the author on 20-Aug-2014
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Thank you so much, Jax, for taking time to read the first part of my story. Your kind words and generous review are greatly appreciated. And, yes, you are right that she never should have gone with Bob, but things have changed in the new age. Not usually for the better. :-)
