Along the Jericho Road
Viewing comments for Chapter 52 "Napha Moon, Part 1"Murder Mystery
40 total reviews
Comment from Dawn Munro
Hmmm, something about the way Derek wasn't heard approaching is bothering me...and why did the door open for him and not for Skeets? My hackles are rising...
Bev, I WISH I was reading this story all at once! (LOL) Edward Pearce, huh? Hmmm...I'm not sure about that...
But the speculating I am doing is just what we do when following a great movie - I'm guessing at the plot because that is how much the story involves me.
I see not a darn thing I would change (as usual). (I'm not a lot of help as a reviewer, I guess! :(
I'm on pins and needles for the next chapter, my friend.
reply by the author on 12-Jan-2014
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Hmmm, something about the way Derek wasn't heard approaching is bothering me...and why did the door open for him and not for Skeets? My hackles are rising...
Bev, I WISH I was reading this story all at once! (LOL) Edward Pearce, huh? Hmmm...I'm not sure about that...
But the speculating I am doing is just what we do when following a great movie - I'm guessing at the plot because that is how much the story involves me.
I see not a darn thing I would change (as usual). (I'm not a lot of help as a reviewer, I guess! :(
I'm on pins and needles for the next chapter, my friend.
Comment Written 12-Jan-2014
reply by the author on 12-Jan-2014
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Aw, thanks so much, Dawn. You've been such a loyal follower of my novel and always so encouraging and generous. I really, really appreciate that, my friend. Hugs, Bev
Comment from barbara.wilkey
At least we have a name now. I think things are looking up. I enjoyed reading this post.
"This is weird." he thought. "Father Brian said Edward lived here with his bedridden mother. Is the old lady asleep... or ... worse?" (This is confusing. Maybe a quotation mark is miss placed.)
reply by the author on 12-Jan-2014
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At least we have a name now. I think things are looking up. I enjoyed reading this post.
"This is weird." he thought. "Father Brian said Edward lived here with his bedridden mother. Is the old lady asleep... or ... worse?" (This is confusing. Maybe a quotation mark is miss placed.)
Comment Written 12-Jan-2014
reply by the author on 12-Jan-2014
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I agree on that section, Barbara. Thanks for pointing it out. :0) Bev
Comment from Mastery
Hi, Bev. Great job on this chapter from very first sentence on. I love your imagery:
"Langston hurried off, and the two detectives positioned themselves on either side of the door, keeping their drawn guns below the window's line of sight. The candle, earlier observed, had burned down. There wasn't a pinhole of light to be seen from the interior of the home."
Suggestions:
"Finally, he found a side door which allowed him a glimpse into the kitchen. A candle flame, on its downward slide, was the room's sole illumination. He tried the handle, but it was locked as had been all the other doors."
(two things here, Bev. Has the door got paned windows or something? Otherwise how is he able to see inside? Also, the end of this paragraph is just a tad bumpy grammatically. Perhaps: He tried the handle, but it was locked just like the other doors."
"The snarling of an animal about to attack came from somewhere to his right. The hairs along his arms rose in warning. Can't use my weapon and alert the Perp. He moved opposite the sound in order to avoid a confrontation, but it switched directions with a speed that left the detective confused and disoriented. It's source sounded close, very close. Perhaps re-do this paragraph with a bit more clarity like so:
"The snarling of an animal came from somewhere to Skeet's right. The hairs along his arms stood up in warning. Can't use my weapon and alert the Perp. He moved opposite the dog in order to avoid a confrontation, but it switched directions with a speed that left the detective confused and disoriented. It's source sounded close, very close."
Fantastic job overall. Bob
reply by the author on 12-Jan-2014
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Hi, Bev. Great job on this chapter from very first sentence on. I love your imagery:
"Langston hurried off, and the two detectives positioned themselves on either side of the door, keeping their drawn guns below the window's line of sight. The candle, earlier observed, had burned down. There wasn't a pinhole of light to be seen from the interior of the home."
Suggestions:
"Finally, he found a side door which allowed him a glimpse into the kitchen. A candle flame, on its downward slide, was the room's sole illumination. He tried the handle, but it was locked as had been all the other doors."
(two things here, Bev. Has the door got paned windows or something? Otherwise how is he able to see inside? Also, the end of this paragraph is just a tad bumpy grammatically. Perhaps: He tried the handle, but it was locked just like the other doors."
"The snarling of an animal about to attack came from somewhere to his right. The hairs along his arms rose in warning. Can't use my weapon and alert the Perp. He moved opposite the sound in order to avoid a confrontation, but it switched directions with a speed that left the detective confused and disoriented. It's source sounded close, very close. Perhaps re-do this paragraph with a bit more clarity like so:
"The snarling of an animal came from somewhere to Skeet's right. The hairs along his arms stood up in warning. Can't use my weapon and alert the Perp. He moved opposite the dog in order to avoid a confrontation, but it switched directions with a speed that left the detective confused and disoriented. It's source sounded close, very close."
Fantastic job overall. Bob
Comment Written 12-Jan-2014
reply by the author on 12-Jan-2014
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Hi, Bob. Thanks for the very helpful review. I agree with your changes, and appreciate you taking time to help tighten the chapter. Warm regards, Bev
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You need very little help, my friend. Bob
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Aw, thanks Bob. Ever the gentleman!
Comment from allborn66
This is a very interesting chapter. There is lots of suspense in it. There is even a bit of a mystery. The characters interact well with each other.
Barbara
reply by the author on 12-Jan-2014
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This is a very interesting chapter. There is lots of suspense in it. There is even a bit of a mystery. The characters interact well with each other.
Barbara
Comment Written 12-Jan-2014
reply by the author on 12-Jan-2014
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Thank you very much, Barbara. Skeets and Derek have worked together for two decades. I'm glad you found their interactions believable. Warm regards, Bev
Comment from judiverse
I was waiting for this one. It's so tantalizing I have to award a six. Not surprising that the house is empty. They aren't dealing with an ordinary human. And there is the strange matter of the dog that seems to come from of nowhere. This is really chilling. The police are taking so many precautions that Eddie has managed to escape. They do find the crucifix that was missing from Debra's Padget's house. The eerie feeling is consistent throughout this. judi
reply by the author on 12-Jan-2014
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I was waiting for this one. It's so tantalizing I have to award a six. Not surprising that the house is empty. They aren't dealing with an ordinary human. And there is the strange matter of the dog that seems to come from of nowhere. This is really chilling. The police are taking so many precautions that Eddie has managed to escape. They do find the crucifix that was missing from Debra's Padget's house. The eerie feeling is consistent throughout this. judi
Comment Written 12-Jan-2014
reply by the author on 12-Jan-2014
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Judi, thank you for your wonderful review. I appreciate knowing that you found the chapter eerie. That's what I was aiming for. Part two will continue the creepy element. Warmest regards, Bev
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Hi, Bev. I like your characters. The police are going to have a hard time with the dark forces at work. judi
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Indeed they will. It will take a combination of the human and mystical to conquer this demon! Thanks so much, Judi. XX Bev
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You're so welcome. What can you do when it's a malevolent force that needs to be brought to justice. judi
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Well stated, Judi. I have a few ideas on that point LOL. xx
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Sounds like an exorcism is in order. judi
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Dang, you could be writing this book, Judi!
XXX Bev
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I'd frighten myself too much. judi
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hehehehehe
Comment from c_lucas
So close, yet so far away. They should be discovering the dead woman, at least. This is very well written with a smooth flow of words, making for a very good read.
reply by the author on 12-Jan-2014
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So close, yet so far away. They should be discovering the dead woman, at least. This is very well written with a smooth flow of words, making for a very good read.
Comment Written 12-Jan-2014
reply by the author on 12-Jan-2014
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You're one step ahead of me, Charlie. Thanks so much! :0) Bev
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Emma snitched on you, Bev. Charlie
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hehehehehe
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At least you are heheing and not cackling.
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I save my cackles for my hubbie - scares the shit out of him LOL. :0)
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I think it is when you turn him into a toad and refuse to kiss him. (LOL)
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Oh, that too! :0)
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(LOL)
Comment from in777wr#
This was a well written story full of drama, and suspense. The story reads well, and was very captivating. Skeets, and Oleson characters are very good in this peace. Very suspenseful story.
reply by the author on 12-Jan-2014
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This was a well written story full of drama, and suspense. The story reads well, and was very captivating. Skeets, and Oleson characters are very good in this peace. Very suspenseful story.
Comment Written 12-Jan-2014
reply by the author on 12-Jan-2014
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Thanks so very much. I appreciate your encouraging and generous review. :0) Bev
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You're welcome.
Comment from JB Lynn
"Edward [Pearce]. That's the man's name... - This section is missing quotation marks at the end. I also think you could end with "I left a note, but never heard back."
Impenetrable yews rimmed the exterior, forcing him to a crouch-crawl around them. - Nice description. It gives the sense that even the landscaping is working against Epstein.
"[Its] source sounded close, very close."
"The [h]alf-dozen helmeted figures..." - I don't think you intended to capitalize "half".
"What have we got, Skeets?["] Derek Oleson asked. He'd spotted Skeets from the street and approached in silence. - This bugs me a little, because he's speaking, so he's not really approaching silently, is he? Maybe you could reverse the action? He approaches silently, and then whispers to Skeets once he's closer? This would also make the next couple of sentences make more sense. It would be more believable that Skeets was startled.
"The potential for the mother being here changes things[,]" Derek said.
"Understood. We'll get into position and wait for your signal.["]
"The house felt to Skeets as if it were a spider waiting for a fly to slip into its web." - Great description to build tension and suspense.
This was an engaging read, even though I'm not familiar with the rest of your story.
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reply by the author on 12-Jan-2014
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"Edward [Pearce]. That's the man's name... - This section is missing quotation marks at the end. I also think you could end with "I left a note, but never heard back."
Impenetrable yews rimmed the exterior, forcing him to a crouch-crawl around them. - Nice description. It gives the sense that even the landscaping is working against Epstein.
"[Its] source sounded close, very close."
"The [h]alf-dozen helmeted figures..." - I don't think you intended to capitalize "half".
"What have we got, Skeets?["] Derek Oleson asked. He'd spotted Skeets from the street and approached in silence. - This bugs me a little, because he's speaking, so he's not really approaching silently, is he? Maybe you could reverse the action? He approaches silently, and then whispers to Skeets once he's closer? This would also make the next couple of sentences make more sense. It would be more believable that Skeets was startled.
"The potential for the mother being here changes things[,]" Derek said.
"Understood. We'll get into position and wait for your signal.["]
"The house felt to Skeets as if it were a spider waiting for a fly to slip into its web." - Great description to build tension and suspense.
This was an engaging read, even though I'm not familiar with the rest of your story.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 12-Jan-2014
reply by the author on 12-Jan-2014
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Hi, JB. Thanks for the editing suggestions. Good eye! I much appreciate it. :0) Bev
Comment from Keturah Martin
This story is well constructed with good grammar and selling. The vivid imagery in description bring the story to life in a real way. Keep up the great work and talent of writing.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 12-Jan-2014
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This story is well constructed with good grammar and selling. The vivid imagery in description bring the story to life in a real way. Keep up the great work and talent of writing.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 12-Jan-2014
reply by the author on 12-Jan-2014
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Thanks so much, Keturah. I appreciate you pointing out what you liked. That's very helpful for me. Warm regards, Bev
Comment from Green Lake Girl
A deliciously suspenseful chapter, Bev. I love the fact that they are closing in on the killer. The demon was present and playing mind games with Skeets. Great descriptions of what Skeets' experienced and the extended involvement with law enforcement. Love the art work you chose to go with this chapter. Excellently penned as usual, Bev!
reply by the author on 12-Jan-2014
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A deliciously suspenseful chapter, Bev. I love the fact that they are closing in on the killer. The demon was present and playing mind games with Skeets. Great descriptions of what Skeets' experienced and the extended involvement with law enforcement. Love the art work you chose to go with this chapter. Excellently penned as usual, Bev!
Comment Written 12-Jan-2014
reply by the author on 12-Jan-2014
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Thank you so much, GLG. I am really encouraged by your awesome review. It's a bit short, but part two is fairly long, so I had to do a cut-off. Appreciate your generosity so much! Hugs, Bev
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As you well know, I am a huge fan. Your writing never disappoints. Already looking forward to Part II.
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:0) Thanks, buddy.
