Chasing the Elusive Dream
Viewing comments for Chapter 22 "Visitor in the Night"A southern couple's journey in the 60's,70's & 80'
39 total reviews
Comment from Sefiros
Are you kidding me? I wish my life was as interesting as yours. I kept expecting for you and the husband to clash with the girl's parents. A kind of an uneventful ending, but you tell it just right. Keep on writing.
reply by the author on 12-Sep-2013
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Are you kidding me? I wish my life was as interesting as yours. I kept expecting for you and the husband to clash with the girl's parents. A kind of an uneventful ending, but you tell it just right. Keep on writing.
Comment Written 12-Sep-2013
reply by the author on 12-Sep-2013
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Thank you for the review and comments. Sometimes life gets pretty interesting in my family. It's even more so since the kids are grown and all of them their own drama going with often we get dragged into.
Beth
Comment from MarjorieAnne
A heart-warming story with thoughtful details to engage readers in setting, character and plot. All it needs is proof reading: two times change that to that's and one she to she's; in paragraph 4 since you have a comma after see you also need one after hear; comma after kids and comma after Mindy when introducing them to each other; comma between down and keeping; period after member of the family; no capital on and for Mr. & Mrs; missing quote marks on sentence starting with I'm sure; didn't see (not seen).
reply by the author on 12-Sep-2013
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A heart-warming story with thoughtful details to engage readers in setting, character and plot. All it needs is proof reading: two times change that to that's and one she to she's; in paragraph 4 since you have a comma after see you also need one after hear; comma after kids and comma after Mindy when introducing them to each other; comma between down and keeping; period after member of the family; no capital on and for Mr. & Mrs; missing quote marks on sentence starting with I'm sure; didn't see (not seen).
Comment Written 12-Sep-2013
reply by the author on 12-Sep-2013
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Thank you so much for the great review and all the help with the editing spags. You deserve a reviewer nomination for that.
Beth
Comment from cinderbella
That was quite a little mystery in this chapter, it certainly held my attention through to the end.
I would have felt 'invaded' if townspeople were looking through my windows without permission also.
Hopefully the young girl did learn a lesson about trying to survive after running away from home.
Written extremely well, the story flowed smoothly, and was quite believable. :) Sandra
reply by the author on 12-Sep-2013
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That was quite a little mystery in this chapter, it certainly held my attention through to the end.
I would have felt 'invaded' if townspeople were looking through my windows without permission also.
Hopefully the young girl did learn a lesson about trying to survive after running away from home.
Written extremely well, the story flowed smoothly, and was quite believable. :) Sandra
Comment Written 12-Sep-2013
reply by the author on 12-Sep-2013
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Thank you Sandra. I appreciate the review and the nice comments. I'm glad you found it believeable and smoothly flowing.
Beth
Comment from Penny 4 your thought
you did really well capturing me (the reader) in the first few paragraphs. the flow of the story is also good until we get to the end, and that was a let down. had you elaborated a little about how the story of the trucker came out and ended this with the next to the last line your story would have felt finished. instead we are led to believe that there should be more to the story. this might actually work better for an ending... As far as I know, she never ran away again. Things at home might not be good, but at least, she had a home and parents who cared.
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reply by the author on 12-Sep-2013
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you did really well capturing me (the reader) in the first few paragraphs. the flow of the story is also good until we get to the end, and that was a let down. had you elaborated a little about how the story of the trucker came out and ended this with the next to the last line your story would have felt finished. instead we are led to believe that there should be more to the story. this might actually work better for an ending... As far as I know, she never ran away again. Things at home might not be good, but at least, she had a home and parents who cared.
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Comment Written 12-Sep-2013
reply by the author on 12-Sep-2013
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Thank you for the review, nice commments and suggestions. I see what you are saying about the ending. I wish I knew more about what happened with the hitching incident. I can't bring myself to make up something for the sake of story. I did however change the ending a bit. I wish you'd take a look as see if you think this works better.
Beth
Comment from abbasjoy
This is a well written story, and one with a message for young people who think life's so rough at home, only to find out it's much worse out there on the street.
Hitchhiking is one of the most dangerous ways of getting from one place to another, as quite often the hitchhiker becomes a victim of abuse and often death.
Thank you for writing about this topic which for some seems a harmless and cheap way of travelling.
reply by the author on 12-Sep-2013
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This is a well written story, and one with a message for young people who think life's so rough at home, only to find out it's much worse out there on the street.
Hitchhiking is one of the most dangerous ways of getting from one place to another, as quite often the hitchhiker becomes a victim of abuse and often death.
Thank you for writing about this topic which for some seems a harmless and cheap way of travelling.
Comment Written 12-Sep-2013
reply by the author on 12-Sep-2013
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Thank you for the review and the nice comment. I appreciate your remarks. Hitchhiking has always been dangerous. It think it probably a lot more dangerous now.
Beth
Comment from Rondeno
You are a natural story-teller. Domestic America comes to life in your hands. I enjoyed this episode of the runaway girl immensely.
reply by the author on 12-Sep-2013
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You are a natural story-teller. Domestic America comes to life in your hands. I enjoyed this episode of the runaway girl immensely.
Comment Written 12-Sep-2013
reply by the author on 12-Sep-2013
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Thank you so much for the review and that very generous comment. I'm so glad you enjoyed the story.
Beth
Comment from barleygirl
Your writing & storytelling is great. The way you present the material, everything is clear & the reader wants to know more. The actions of the characters are realistic & the dialogue is well-done. Great work!
reply by the author on 12-Sep-2013
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Your writing & storytelling is great. The way you present the material, everything is clear & the reader wants to know more. The actions of the characters are realistic & the dialogue is well-done. Great work!
Comment Written 12-Sep-2013
reply by the author on 12-Sep-2013
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Thank you so much for the great review. I appreciate you continuing to read my stories.
Beth
Comment from nancy_e_davis
Wow, That is as exciting as the drunk Mexican man who walked into our house one night via an unlocked back door!I had just finished my bath and I heard an unfamiliar voice in the living room. I quickly grabbed my robe and ran out. My children, Nancy 13, Rhonda 11 and Mark 10 sat a gape staring at him while he rattled off a rash of words in Spanish! When he saw me he started backing out.Seems he thought another family lived there and he wanted to surprise them. Well he really surprised my children and me. LOL This was in Henderson, NV in 1972. I'm glad your little friend learned her lesson. Nancy
reply by the author on 12-Sep-2013
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Wow, That is as exciting as the drunk Mexican man who walked into our house one night via an unlocked back door!I had just finished my bath and I heard an unfamiliar voice in the living room. I quickly grabbed my robe and ran out. My children, Nancy 13, Rhonda 11 and Mark 10 sat a gape staring at him while he rattled off a rash of words in Spanish! When he saw me he started backing out.Seems he thought another family lived there and he wanted to surprise them. Well he really surprised my children and me. LOL This was in Henderson, NV in 1972. I'm glad your little friend learned her lesson. Nancy
Comment Written 12-Sep-2013
reply by the author on 12-Sep-2013
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Thank you Nancy. I think I would have really freaked out if our visitor had been a drunk Mexican. That is a funny story. Thanks for sharing it and thanks for the review.
Beth
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It really scared me. Thinking what he might be up to no good. He was harmless, just drunk. LOL
Comment from lindalcreel
No one ever knows what goes through the minds of a teenage girl. Sometimes they are better off on the streets than in the environment they call home. At least that wasn't the case for Sarah. This was a very touching story. there were a few little spelling errors, but it didn't detract from the plot. Thanks so much for sharing.
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reply by the author on 12-Sep-2013
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No one ever knows what goes through the minds of a teenage girl. Sometimes they are better off on the streets than in the environment they call home. At least that wasn't the case for Sarah. This was a very touching story. there were a few little spelling errors, but it didn't detract from the plot. Thanks so much for sharing.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 12-Sep-2013
reply by the author on 12-Sep-2013
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Thank you so much for the review and the nice comments. I'm glad you liked the story. I did find some errors than needed fixing. I hope I got them all.
Beth
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Welcome:)
