For a Dream
Kyrielle Sonnet71 total reviews
Comment from ronnie k
Hello Luna, reviewing your post always see too touch that place, that sing song place that got my attention to the beauty I have so learned too enjoy creatively,your words always put me on both sides of my love of writing, especially poetry, thanks for sharing.
reply by the author on 06-Feb-2017
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Hello Luna, reviewing your post always see too touch that place, that sing song place that got my attention to the beauty I have so learned too enjoy creatively,your words always put me on both sides of my love of writing, especially poetry, thanks for sharing.
Comment Written 04-Feb-2017
reply by the author on 06-Feb-2017
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Dear ronnie, again, thank you for the generous six-star review. I appreciate your kind words. Thanks again.
Comment from Pantygynt
Option one of the kyrielle sonnet, option two having alternate rhyme. The kyrielle sonnet is a modern off shoot of the more traditional kyrielle and shares its French origin. As such the iambic meter is not a requirement merely something that tends to happen in English language versions.
As such I hestate to criticise a couple of lapses in meter that could easily be addressed.
"while they sing their moon-fairy praise." The natural conversational stress here is on the third syllable "sing" while the metrical requirement stresses "they"; "While singing their..." would rectify this.
"The moon protects world and its dreams," The natural conversational stress here is on the items protected "world" and "dreams". The meter demands the stress be place on "and". Generally speaking we should try to avoid stress unimportant words like pronouns, prepositions, articles and conjunctions. this is more awkward to correct than the earlier line but a number of possibilities occured to me:
"The moon protects the world and dreams,"
"The moon protects the dreaming world"
"The moon protects the world of dreams,"
Any of these work metrically but it's your poem.
reply by the author on 06-Feb-2017
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Option one of the kyrielle sonnet, option two having alternate rhyme. The kyrielle sonnet is a modern off shoot of the more traditional kyrielle and shares its French origin. As such the iambic meter is not a requirement merely something that tends to happen in English language versions.
As such I hestate to criticise a couple of lapses in meter that could easily be addressed.
"while they sing their moon-fairy praise." The natural conversational stress here is on the third syllable "sing" while the metrical requirement stresses "they"; "While singing their..." would rectify this.
"The moon protects world and its dreams," The natural conversational stress here is on the items protected "world" and "dreams". The meter demands the stress be place on "and". Generally speaking we should try to avoid stress unimportant words like pronouns, prepositions, articles and conjunctions. this is more awkward to correct than the earlier line but a number of possibilities occured to me:
"The moon protects the world and dreams,"
"The moon protects the dreaming world"
"The moon protects the world of dreams,"
Any of these work metrically but it's your poem.
Comment Written 04-Feb-2017
reply by the author on 06-Feb-2017
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I appreciate your detailed comments, Jim. They are astute and I shall remember them. If I have time I will go into my poem and incorporate most of them, for I agree with you. However, I thank you for your kind review.
Comment from Sandra Stoner-Mitchell
That was a lovely poem, and it is the way I imagine you, Jeni, sleeping under the night-sky with the moonbeams and starlight shining down on you. Beautifully written, and some lovely imagery. Well done, a pleasure to read. :) Sandra xx
reply by the author on 06-Feb-2017
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That was a lovely poem, and it is the way I imagine you, Jeni, sleeping under the night-sky with the moonbeams and starlight shining down on you. Beautifully written, and some lovely imagery. Well done, a pleasure to read. :) Sandra xx
Comment Written 04-Feb-2017
reply by the author on 06-Feb-2017
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Sandra, what a nice thing to say! I appreciate knowing you think of me that way. I'm happy that you enjoyed the poem.
Comment from nancyrabbrose
Your lovely sonnet reads like a song. I like the repeating element in the form. It feels like a gentle wave reappearing on the shoreline. I especially like "mother moon the nighttime queen". I don't know why but I can hear Abba's music in my heard with that phrase. Good work. Blessings to you.
reply by the author on 06-Feb-2017
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Your lovely sonnet reads like a song. I like the repeating element in the form. It feels like a gentle wave reappearing on the shoreline. I especially like "mother moon the nighttime queen". I don't know why but I can hear Abba's music in my heard with that phrase. Good work. Blessings to you.
Comment Written 04-Feb-2017
reply by the author on 06-Feb-2017
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Thank you for your kind review. I'm happy that you enjoyed the repeat. I am flattered by the reference to Abba. I appreciate your kind support.
Comment from Doc Holiday
Well-written Kyrielle Sonnet. Dancing to the light of the silvery moon is what I feel reading your clever little verse. Sweet dreams under those moonbeams, Little Luna!
reply by the author on 04-Feb-2017
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Well-written Kyrielle Sonnet. Dancing to the light of the silvery moon is what I feel reading your clever little verse. Sweet dreams under those moonbeams, Little Luna!
Comment Written 04-Feb-2017
reply by the author on 04-Feb-2017
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Welcome, Doc Holiday!
I'm happy that you enjoyed this, and I enjoyed reading your review.
Best,
luna
Comment from Bobbi22
For a Dream creates this illusion of a magical and mystical moon. Excellent imagery that puts the reader at ease in a dream-like state. Very well written. Thanks for sharing.
reply by the author on 04-Feb-2017
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For a Dream creates this illusion of a magical and mystical moon. Excellent imagery that puts the reader at ease in a dream-like state. Very well written. Thanks for sharing.
Comment Written 04-Feb-2017
reply by the author on 04-Feb-2017
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Dear RightPics,
Thank you for your kind words of review. I'm happy that you found my poem well-written.
All the best,
jeni
Comment from Margaret Snowdon
A beautifully written Kyrielle Sonnet - the words, rhythm
and rhyme flowing perfectly throughout, Jenny.
I've always thought the moon mystic and a thing of dreams.
Blessings,
Margaret
reply by the author on 04-Feb-2017
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A beautifully written Kyrielle Sonnet - the words, rhythm
and rhyme flowing perfectly throughout, Jenny.
I've always thought the moon mystic and a thing of dreams.
Blessings,
Margaret
Comment Written 04-Feb-2017
reply by the author on 04-Feb-2017
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Thank you, Margaret, I'm happy that you liked this one. Thank you once again for the fabulous six-star rating. I was truly honored.
Best,
jeni
Comment from Meia (MESAYERS)
'The moon protects world and its dreams,
Our Mother Moon, the nighttime queen,
cool water flowing ~ lunar stream,
I bundle moonbeams for a dream'
God, Luna you certainly can write! Shivers down the spine again with this magnificent offering! This is stunningly written, yes, I am swooning! Good grief I hope you realize how talented you are. A stunning and compelling piece of work, without a doubt. kind regards Meia x
reply by the author on 04-Feb-2017
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'The moon protects world and its dreams,
Our Mother Moon, the nighttime queen,
cool water flowing ~ lunar stream,
I bundle moonbeams for a dream'
God, Luna you certainly can write! Shivers down the spine again with this magnificent offering! This is stunningly written, yes, I am swooning! Good grief I hope you realize how talented you are. A stunning and compelling piece of work, without a doubt. kind regards Meia x
Comment Written 04-Feb-2017
reply by the author on 04-Feb-2017
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OMG dear Meia, you are such a blessing to me. I really feel connected to you.
Thank you for the lovely six-star review for this Kyrielle Sonnet. You say I am talented, I hope that YOU realize how talented YOU are.
I think it's safe to say we enjoy each other's writing, don''t you think?
Love you much,
jeni
Comment from estory
I liked the mellow, sublime meter in this one, it read very much like a lullaby, almost rocking you to sleep, and the world of dreams. I loved all the repetitions of "I bundle moonbeams for a dream" a really nice pattern of sounds in that line, and the minimalist echos make it very contemporary sounding. Nice images really get you floating out of the bed and into the moonlight and wherever it takes you estory
reply by the author on 04-Feb-2017
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I liked the mellow, sublime meter in this one, it read very much like a lullaby, almost rocking you to sleep, and the world of dreams. I loved all the repetitions of "I bundle moonbeams for a dream" a really nice pattern of sounds in that line, and the minimalist echos make it very contemporary sounding. Nice images really get you floating out of the bed and into the moonlight and wherever it takes you estory
Comment Written 04-Feb-2017
reply by the author on 04-Feb-2017
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Dear estory, another one of my poems that you enjoyed. I'm flattered and happy to hear how this poem affected you.
Best,
jeni
Comment from Mary Wakeford
I really like this format and you obviously excel at creating them, Luna
Night's wonders sometimes make me swoon ~
I bundle moonbeams for a dream. - love the imagery this conjures up.
reply by the author on 04-Feb-2017
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I really like this format and you obviously excel at creating them, Luna
Night's wonders sometimes make me swoon ~
I bundle moonbeams for a dream. - love the imagery this conjures up.
Comment Written 04-Feb-2017
reply by the author on 04-Feb-2017
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Why thank you, Mary!
I'm happy that you enjoyed this poem and thank you for your kind words of review.
Best,
jeni
