Seconds
Seconds for fame. Seconds to live.29 total reviews
Comment from flylikeaneagle
Good points of second chances. Yes, reporters have editors who just look at time. I like your comment about art. We can appreciate words, music and paintings. There's so much expression with art. Yes, what a way to do and the owner missed inspections. I'm sure they knew people were there. Keep their lives alive. Happy New Year! flylikeaneagle
reply by the author on 08-Jan-2017
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Good points of second chances. Yes, reporters have editors who just look at time. I like your comment about art. We can appreciate words, music and paintings. There's so much expression with art. Yes, what a way to do and the owner missed inspections. I'm sure they knew people were there. Keep their lives alive. Happy New Year! flylikeaneagle
Comment Written 08-Jan-2017
reply by the author on 08-Jan-2017
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Thank you, flylikeaneagle, for your generous review of my story about second chances. I am 100% certain that the warehouse owner knew that people lived and partied there. The warehouse is around the corner from the fire station, so people are asking if they knew, too. Thank you for your review.
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You are welcome. Chat anytime. We need to report and be a voice for people. This is what "rain," is for youth on my site. My daughters and I are trying to help. I'm sure the families and friends are shocked and grieved at the loss of loved ones. There is no reason for no safety is this building. flylikeaneagle
Comment from royowen
There is a real eeriness about this biographical story, the characters are slightly downbeat, but there is nothing upbeat about tragedy, everybody realises that death, and tragic death, binds us all together equally, sombre, grim, no popularity, liking, admired, all are equal, well done, great entry in this contest, good characters and story, well done, blessings, Roy
Typo (chard) roof beams. Charred?
reply by the author on 08-Jan-2017
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There is a real eeriness about this biographical story, the characters are slightly downbeat, but there is nothing upbeat about tragedy, everybody realises that death, and tragic death, binds us all together equally, sombre, grim, no popularity, liking, admired, all are equal, well done, great entry in this contest, good characters and story, well done, blessings, Roy
Typo (chard) roof beams. Charred?
Comment Written 08-Jan-2017
reply by the author on 08-Jan-2017
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Thank you, Roy, for your review of my downbeat memoir. Given that I am performing this in front of people who lost friends in the fire, I have to choose an approptiate tone. Thank you also for your typo corrections. I appreciate it.
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Most welcome, good luck, hope you become a healing balm for them,
Comment from c_lucas
Death is Natures way of telling you to slow down and enjoy your life before the big ending. This is very well written with a smooth flow of words, making for a good read.
reply by the author on 08-Jan-2017
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Death is Natures way of telling you to slow down and enjoy your life before the big ending. This is very well written with a smooth flow of words, making for a good read.
Comment Written 08-Jan-2017
reply by the author on 08-Jan-2017
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Thank you, c_lucas, for your review and kind words. Slowing down and enjoying life is the message I received from this tragedy.
Comment from mvbrooks
What an intriguing question, "What to do when you have 3 seconds of fame?"
I admit--the title "Pilgrimage" did not seem so inviting. But the "3 seconds of fame" comment made me read on.
AMAZING story. Before I read this, the fire was a distant tragedy in a distant place. Your strong description, characterization, and balanced emotional appeal made this story more real than any newscast could. Now I am also haunted by the Ghost Ship. Very well done and a strong memorial to those who lost their lives there.
reply by the author on 08-Jan-2017
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What an intriguing question, "What to do when you have 3 seconds of fame?"
I admit--the title "Pilgrimage" did not seem so inviting. But the "3 seconds of fame" comment made me read on.
AMAZING story. Before I read this, the fire was a distant tragedy in a distant place. Your strong description, characterization, and balanced emotional appeal made this story more real than any newscast could. Now I am also haunted by the Ghost Ship. Very well done and a strong memorial to those who lost their lives there.
Comment Written 08-Jan-2017
reply by the author on 08-Jan-2017
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Thank you, mvbrooks, for your generous,six star review--the first for this "amazing" story. I will share this memorial to audiences impacted by the tragedy. Thanks.
Comment from Thesis
I read this post with mixed emotions. I imagined your point of view as a storyteller and as a person who witnessed the aftermath of this tragedy, all the while thinking of your concerned comments for Mona, had she been in the Ghost Factory at the time.
I'm glad you were able to take her there and to take photos for her to work with. I would be interested in how you relate your story to an audience. It must be very emotional.
reply by the author on 08-Jan-2017
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I read this post with mixed emotions. I imagined your point of view as a storyteller and as a person who witnessed the aftermath of this tragedy, all the while thinking of your concerned comments for Mona, had she been in the Ghost Factory at the time.
I'm glad you were able to take her there and to take photos for her to work with. I would be interested in how you relate your story to an audience. It must be very emotional.
Comment Written 08-Jan-2017
reply by the author on 08-Jan-2017
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Yes, Thesis, it will be interesting to see how I relate my story to an audience whose members know of people who had died. I am unable to get this tragedy out of my head. So I press forward with my story. Thank you for your review.
Comment from Cindy Warren
I can't imagine how awful that would have been. Fire is one of the worst ways to die, and they knew they weren't going to get out. It sounds like nobody should have been in that building for any reason. Good luck in the contest, and with your event on Wednesday.
reply by the author on 08-Jan-2017
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I can't imagine how awful that would have been. Fire is one of the worst ways to die, and they knew they weren't going to get out. It sounds like nobody should have been in that building for any reason. Good luck in the contest, and with your event on Wednesday.
Comment Written 08-Jan-2017
reply by the author on 08-Jan-2017
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Thank you, Cindy, for your review and for wishing me success in the contest and my performance on Wednesday.
Comment from F. Wehr3
Really great story and tribute to those that perished in the Ghost Ship. I wish you best of luck in the contest. I found two minor things for your consideration.
The artist huffed. "I wish she could have interviewed me."--Was this Mona speaking or some random artist?
If fast before smoke kills you,--Maybe a missing word here--If you're fast?
Take care,
Russell
reply by the author on 08-Jan-2017
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Really great story and tribute to those that perished in the Ghost Ship. I wish you best of luck in the contest. I found two minor things for your consideration.
The artist huffed. "I wish she could have interviewed me."--Was this Mona speaking or some random artist?
If fast before smoke kills you,--Maybe a missing word here--If you're fast?
Take care,
Russell
Comment Written 08-Jan-2017
reply by the author on 08-Jan-2017
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Thank you, Russell, for your review of my "Really great story and tribute to those that perished in the Ghost Ship." Thank you also for your corrections and for wishing me success in the contest. I appreciate your support.
Comment from Mystic Angel 7777
This meets the contest requirements splendidly as you deliver a moving account of your visit to the site of the fire. Since the disaster is still so fresh in the minds of many, it is both a timely and relevant topic to submit. I know you have stated that this is written more in 'to be told and not read' mode, but I fear the number of errors in grammar and punctuation throughout will hurt you with the judges. Remember, this is a writing site so they will focus on the quality of the structure, as well as the content. I just pulled out the opening as an example of what needs to be cleaned up before judging begins:
Your Original Paragraph -
"When I asked Mona this question at an Oakland day program for adults with disabilities, her chocolate face, pierced with gold nose, brow, and ear rings, smiled as if the Buddhist had received an unexpected gift two weeks before Christmas, 2016. She shimmied in her wheelchair and cooed in a Betty Boop voice she uses whenever she receives a prize. "Shoo-key, shoo-key."
Revised Paragraph -
At an Oakland day program for adults with disabilities, I asked Mona this question, "Do you want to visit the Ghost Ship?" Her chocolate face pierced with golden nose, brow, and ear rings smiled. The Buddhist acted as if she had received an unexpected gift two weeks before Christmas 2016. She shimmied in her wheelchair. Cooing in the Betty Boop voice she uses whenever she wins a prize, "Shoo-key! Shoo-key!"
I think if this is cleaned up it will be a real contender as the content is wonderful. I wish you all the best in the judging and thank you very much for sharing it.
reply by the author on 08-Jan-2017
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This meets the contest requirements splendidly as you deliver a moving account of your visit to the site of the fire. Since the disaster is still so fresh in the minds of many, it is both a timely and relevant topic to submit. I know you have stated that this is written more in 'to be told and not read' mode, but I fear the number of errors in grammar and punctuation throughout will hurt you with the judges. Remember, this is a writing site so they will focus on the quality of the structure, as well as the content. I just pulled out the opening as an example of what needs to be cleaned up before judging begins:
Your Original Paragraph -
"When I asked Mona this question at an Oakland day program for adults with disabilities, her chocolate face, pierced with gold nose, brow, and ear rings, smiled as if the Buddhist had received an unexpected gift two weeks before Christmas, 2016. She shimmied in her wheelchair and cooed in a Betty Boop voice she uses whenever she receives a prize. "Shoo-key, shoo-key."
Revised Paragraph -
At an Oakland day program for adults with disabilities, I asked Mona this question, "Do you want to visit the Ghost Ship?" Her chocolate face pierced with golden nose, brow, and ear rings smiled. The Buddhist acted as if she had received an unexpected gift two weeks before Christmas 2016. She shimmied in her wheelchair. Cooing in the Betty Boop voice she uses whenever she wins a prize, "Shoo-key! Shoo-key!"
I think if this is cleaned up it will be a real contender as the content is wonderful. I wish you all the best in the judging and thank you very much for sharing it.
Comment Written 08-Jan-2017
reply by the author on 08-Jan-2017
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Thank you, Mystic Angel 7777, for your review and corrections, of my story. I am moving along two tracks for this story--cleaning it up before the contest judging begins and rehearsing my script for my performance on Wednesday, which, to me, is the real prize. I had another friend offer edits, too. Thank you for your review of "a moving account of your visit to the site of the fire."
Comment from mbroyles2
Really good telling of this tragic event. I can sense a personal connection and your feelings show through extremely well in your writing and I can bet it will even be better when you tell this story live.
Really a terrific job!
Michael
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 08-Jan-2017
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Really good telling of this tragic event. I can sense a personal connection and your feelings show through extremely well in your writing and I can bet it will even be better when you tell this story live.
Really a terrific job!
Michael
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 08-Jan-2017
reply by the author on 08-Jan-2017
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Yes, Michael, I am counting on this story being better when I tell this live. Thank you for your review of "really a terrific job!"
