Home and Family Treasures
Viewing comments for Chapter 1 "Memories"Poems about my family members and memories of home
30 total reviews
Comment from RoostyNester
I liked your tanka poem. Very well done in picture and words, taking us back to earlier days. Re-stepping the past. Memories of the soul.
reply by the author on 01-Sep-2016
  |
I liked your tanka poem. Very well done in picture and words, taking us back to earlier days. Re-stepping the past. Memories of the soul.
Comment Written 01-Sep-2016
reply by the author on 01-Sep-2016
-
Thank you so very much for your positive comments on my poem. This is my first tanka, so I really appreciate your feedback.
Cynthia1
Comment from EricBrady
Great tanka form and lines 1,2, and can stand alone as can 3,4, and 5. Great imagery in these descriptions of memories coming back to mind. I love the first three lines, they make me think of some of the old buildings that I explored as a kid. Great presentation and artwork. Best wishes in the contest.
reply by the author on 01-Sep-2016
|
Great tanka form and lines 1,2, and can stand alone as can 3,4, and 5. Great imagery in these descriptions of memories coming back to mind. I love the first three lines, they make me think of some of the old buildings that I explored as a kid. Great presentation and artwork. Best wishes in the contest.
Comment Written 01-Sep-2016
reply by the author on 01-Sep-2016
-
Thank you, Eric. This is my first tanka, so I really appreciate your specific feedback. Thank you for your encouragement.
Cynthia1
Comment from Pantygynt
I do not pretend to be an expert on these Japanese forms and anything I say here is largely a regurgitation of what I have received on this site. This works well as a tanka. The third line works as a pivot and makes sense both when taken with lines one and two and similarly with lines three and foure. The whole stands up together well too.
With this Japanese stuff no punctuation and no upper case apart from proper nouns is usually the rule so, since this is a contest entry I think I would make some changes ther.
reply by the author on 01-Sep-2016
|
I do not pretend to be an expert on these Japanese forms and anything I say here is largely a regurgitation of what I have received on this site. This works well as a tanka. The third line works as a pivot and makes sense both when taken with lines one and two and similarly with lines three and foure. The whole stands up together well too.
With this Japanese stuff no punctuation and no upper case apart from proper nouns is usually the rule so, since this is a contest entry I think I would make some changes ther.
Comment Written 01-Sep-2016
reply by the author on 01-Sep-2016
-
Thank you, Pantygynt. As usual, your remarks were very helpful. This is my first tanka, so I really was not sure about it. I have made the changes in capitalization and punctuation as you suggested. Thank you.
Cynthia1
Comment from Thomas Bowling
Great commentary. The house in your picture reminds me of my grandfathers house. He lived in Eastern Kentucky. This picture takes me back.
reply by the author on 01-Sep-2016
|
Great commentary. The house in your picture reminds me of my grandfathers house. He lived in Eastern Kentucky. This picture takes me back.
Comment Written 01-Sep-2016
reply by the author on 01-Sep-2016
-
Thank you, Thomas, for the support.
Cynthia1
Comment from Sandra du Plessis
A very well-written Tanka. We are always surprised how much a place changed since we were there for many years, but we can still remember the things we shared with our loved ones many years ago.
reply by the author on 01-Sep-2016
|
A very well-written Tanka. We are always surprised how much a place changed since we were there for many years, but we can still remember the things we shared with our loved ones many years ago.
Comment Written 01-Sep-2016
reply by the author on 01-Sep-2016
-
Thank you, Sandra, for reading my poem , and I do appreciate the positive remarks.
Cynthia1
Comment from Ben Colder
Good Tanka. I see nothing wrong. The wording is strong. The last is so real. Best wishes to you in the contest. It should do well. Thanks for sharing.
reply by the author on 31-Aug-2016
|
Good Tanka. I see nothing wrong. The wording is strong. The last is so real. Best wishes to you in the contest. It should do well. Thanks for sharing.
Comment Written 31-Aug-2016
reply by the author on 31-Aug-2016
-
Thank you so very much for the positive review and good wishes. I do appreciate you reading my work.
Cynthia1
Comment from Father Flaps
Hi Cynthia
What a great entry for the tanka contest! I love it. You know, whenever I come across an old derelict house, empty but for bats and spiders, I wonder who lived there. How long has it been empty? Where are they now? Why did they up and leave? And the all-important question, are there any ghosts?
You describe the place very well,
"windswept vistiges" ... (I looked up "vistiges" in my dictionary, and it wasn't there. I found it in the internet though, " a trace, mark, or visible sign left by something {as an ancient city or a condition or practice} vanished or lost". So it's the trace of something that once was, abandoned habitation. I can almost hear the wind blowing in the windows.)
"empty relics of the past"... (tends to make me feel sorry for the place, it's like an old man or woman, lost and alone)
"circle back through time" ...(they haven't disappeared, they still exist though their existence is flimsy at best)
"Yesterday's footprints falling-
leaving imprints on my soul" ... (I like the alliteration of "footprints falling", the personification of "yesterday", and the idea that the old shack is filed in your brain. You won't forget it. Once, many years ago when my children were small (youngest is now 32), we were driving on a highway in Prince Edward Island, and we came upon a derelict old house. I remember getting out with camera in hand, and snapping pictures of it. It was a real spectacle. Actually, now that I think about it, and how old houses are like old people, peculiar, I recall writing a free verse (way back in my portfolio) about an old bag lady we saw one morning in Reggie's Restaurant in Saint John. She was all by herself at a big table, as we ate our morning breakfast nearby. But she wasn't really alone. She kept talking, left and right, and then listening, slapping her knees with a bony hand, and breaking into laughter. There must have been at least 4 or 5 ghosts with her that day. I'll never forget it. Now what did I call that poem?
Anyway, I enjoyed your tanka, Cynthia. And the perfect artwork to accompany it!
Good Luck!
cheers
Kimbob
reply by the author on 31-Aug-2016
 |
Hi Cynthia
What a great entry for the tanka contest! I love it. You know, whenever I come across an old derelict house, empty but for bats and spiders, I wonder who lived there. How long has it been empty? Where are they now? Why did they up and leave? And the all-important question, are there any ghosts?
You describe the place very well,
"windswept vistiges" ... (I looked up "vistiges" in my dictionary, and it wasn't there. I found it in the internet though, " a trace, mark, or visible sign left by something {as an ancient city or a condition or practice} vanished or lost". So it's the trace of something that once was, abandoned habitation. I can almost hear the wind blowing in the windows.)
"empty relics of the past"... (tends to make me feel sorry for the place, it's like an old man or woman, lost and alone)
"circle back through time" ...(they haven't disappeared, they still exist though their existence is flimsy at best)
"Yesterday's footprints falling-
leaving imprints on my soul" ... (I like the alliteration of "footprints falling", the personification of "yesterday", and the idea that the old shack is filed in your brain. You won't forget it. Once, many years ago when my children were small (youngest is now 32), we were driving on a highway in Prince Edward Island, and we came upon a derelict old house. I remember getting out with camera in hand, and snapping pictures of it. It was a real spectacle. Actually, now that I think about it, and how old houses are like old people, peculiar, I recall writing a free verse (way back in my portfolio) about an old bag lady we saw one morning in Reggie's Restaurant in Saint John. She was all by herself at a big table, as we ate our morning breakfast nearby. But she wasn't really alone. She kept talking, left and right, and then listening, slapping her knees with a bony hand, and breaking into laughter. There must have been at least 4 or 5 ghosts with her that day. I'll never forget it. Now what did I call that poem?
Anyway, I enjoyed your tanka, Cynthia. And the perfect artwork to accompany it!
Good Luck!
cheers
Kimbob
Comment Written 31-Aug-2016
reply by the author on 31-Aug-2016
-
Kimbob,
Thank you so very much for this thoughtful review and the 6 wonderful stars! You are so kind and I am thrilled!. You have done such a careful review of my words! Rarely does anyone take the time to give another's work such careful attention. Thank you so very much! I enjoyed hearing about your experience in Saint John....would love to read that poem if you find it filed away in your portfolio. Thank you and blessings....
Cynthia1
Comment from heyjude
Cynthia, this is really good. It makes me think of homes I've seen that are empty and run down and I think about who lived there. It also makes me reflect on going by and seeing a house I lived in during my childhood.
reply by the author on 31-Aug-2016
|
Cynthia, this is really good. It makes me think of homes I've seen that are empty and run down and I think about who lived there. It also makes me reflect on going by and seeing a house I lived in during my childhood.
Comment Written 31-Aug-2016
reply by the author on 31-Aug-2016
-
Thank you so much! I've seen a lot of reminders since I have moved back home.
Cynthia1
Comment from William Ross
Wonderful, very nicely done on the tanka. The home I grew up in was torn down and a new one on the spot, but when I drive by even the new place sitting on that plot brings back memories. Good luck on this and have a great day.
reply by the author on 31-Aug-2016
|
Wonderful, very nicely done on the tanka. The home I grew up in was torn down and a new one on the spot, but when I drive by even the new place sitting on that plot brings back memories. Good luck on this and have a great day.
Comment Written 31-Aug-2016
reply by the author on 31-Aug-2016
-
Thank you so much, William. I appreciate your review.
Cynthia1
Comment from giraffmang
Hi there,
I like this post but I think you should delete the syllable count numbers from the end of each line, they are distracting and interrupt the flow of the poem. If you want to indicate them, put them in the author notes.
Nice piece and the final line is excellent.
GMG
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 31-Aug-2016
|
Hi there,
I like this post but I think you should delete the syllable count numbers from the end of each line, they are distracting and interrupt the flow of the poem. If you want to indicate them, put them in the author notes.
Nice piece and the final line is excellent.
GMG
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 31-Aug-2016
reply by the author on 31-Aug-2016
-
Ooops....I forgot to do this! Thank you so much!
Cynthia1
