A Compilation of Short stories
Viewing comments for Chapter 6 "A Day During The War "Expressions
42 total reviews
Comment from alexisleech
What an incredible story, Ulla. You could feel the tension with every word, and I found myself holding my breath at times, praying the children wouldn't be discovered. Your mother was extremely brave, doing what she did. The only thing I might change is 'it was also a dangerous cat after mouse game at times' as I've never heard the word 'after' used instead of 'and.'
Good luck in the contest - I'm sure you will do well!
Alexis xxx
reply by the author on 23-Aug-2016
  |
What an incredible story, Ulla. You could feel the tension with every word, and I found myself holding my breath at times, praying the children wouldn't be discovered. Your mother was extremely brave, doing what she did. The only thing I might change is 'it was also a dangerous cat after mouse game at times' as I've never heard the word 'after' used instead of 'and.'
Good luck in the contest - I'm sure you will do well!
Alexis xxx
Comment Written 22-Aug-2016
reply by the author on 23-Aug-2016
-
Hi Alexis, Thank, you so very much. It was emotional for me to write,. I've always felt so strongly about what happened. Yes, my mum did a brave thing, but never to forget, so did so many others.You know what the stars mean to me!!. Are we chatting soon? I know you are very busy at the moment. Ulla xxx
Comment from giraffmang
Hi Ulla,
A good piece here again and a very good take on the competition. Nice setting for the piece and good characterisation of the main character, Elise.
A few bits & pieces to think about, or not! LOL
to disrupt the Germans advance - need an apostrophe in there.
a dangerous cat after mouse game at times
- perhaps a dangerous game of cat and mouse. You also need a full stop at the end of the sentence.
the memory of the morning's happenings came back to her / Elise shivered when she thought of the morning's event -I have pointed these two sections out as there are three paragraphs between them. After the first mention of the memory, it isn't revealed to the reader but some other back story is given instead. It's a sequencing thing. It would probably be better to not mention it at that point unless it is being revealed then. - just a thought.
Elise, sat on the tram when two SS soldiers approached and made to enter. - I would delete 'and made to enter' from here. It sounds a little awkward and you don't really need it.
"Achtung! Attention!" They shouted as one - they.
"Identity Papers" they shouted - need punctuation before the closing speech marks.
But by the time The SS man - the.
Potatoes forgotten she ran into the living room - comma after forgotten needed.
"SS, quick, upstairs, wardrope!!" - wardrobe, and you don't really need the double exclamation marks.
hide in his parents big wardrope - parents' wardrobe.
the two men pushed her to a side - pushed her aside.
Elise opened the door to the wardrope - wardrobe.
she finally decided it was safe to wake up Marianne and go fetch Eric. - one would assume from this that she took the baby with her, but she left her in the kitchen?
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 23-Aug-2016
  |
Hi Ulla,
A good piece here again and a very good take on the competition. Nice setting for the piece and good characterisation of the main character, Elise.
A few bits & pieces to think about, or not! LOL
to disrupt the Germans advance - need an apostrophe in there.
a dangerous cat after mouse game at times
- perhaps a dangerous game of cat and mouse. You also need a full stop at the end of the sentence.
the memory of the morning's happenings came back to her / Elise shivered when she thought of the morning's event -I have pointed these two sections out as there are three paragraphs between them. After the first mention of the memory, it isn't revealed to the reader but some other back story is given instead. It's a sequencing thing. It would probably be better to not mention it at that point unless it is being revealed then. - just a thought.
Elise, sat on the tram when two SS soldiers approached and made to enter. - I would delete 'and made to enter' from here. It sounds a little awkward and you don't really need it.
"Achtung! Attention!" They shouted as one - they.
"Identity Papers" they shouted - need punctuation before the closing speech marks.
But by the time The SS man - the.
Potatoes forgotten she ran into the living room - comma after forgotten needed.
"SS, quick, upstairs, wardrope!!" - wardrobe, and you don't really need the double exclamation marks.
hide in his parents big wardrope - parents' wardrobe.
the two men pushed her to a side - pushed her aside.
Elise opened the door to the wardrope - wardrobe.
she finally decided it was safe to wake up Marianne and go fetch Eric. - one would assume from this that she took the baby with her, but she left her in the kitchen?
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 22-Aug-2016
reply by the author on 23-Aug-2016
-
Hi G, thanks a lot, and sorry to be answering this late. Sigh, the irony was that I was editing the very stupid mistakes when you wrote the review. They are now all corrected. At times I get angry with myself for making so many mistakes. I should know better and do know better, Arggh! Never mind and long since corrected. Thanks again for your help. All the best. Ulla:))
Comment from Mary Wakeford
This is an amazing story. God bless your mom. That poor little boy, old enough to understand the gravity of the situation, but so young to have to worry of such horrors. That description of Elise finding him after the SS left hit me hard as I imagined my own grandson in that situation. I did not know this about Denmark, what an amazing statistic. Excellent historical writing that was so close in heart.
A few nits..
dangerous cat after mouse game at times -> need a period after times.
Mrs Goldman watched Elise with genuine concern. "Yes, Madam, everything went -> Mrs. [Period] as well as in the next paragraph Mrs
Potatoes forgotten she ran into the -> comma after forgotten,
wardrope!!" (European vs. American reference?)
She had often played the game with him to see how fast he could run up the stairs and hide in his parents big wardrope
-> wardrobe three references
reply by the author on 23-Aug-2016
|
This is an amazing story. God bless your mom. That poor little boy, old enough to understand the gravity of the situation, but so young to have to worry of such horrors. That description of Elise finding him after the SS left hit me hard as I imagined my own grandson in that situation. I did not know this about Denmark, what an amazing statistic. Excellent historical writing that was so close in heart.
A few nits..
dangerous cat after mouse game at times -> need a period after times.
Mrs Goldman watched Elise with genuine concern. "Yes, Madam, everything went -> Mrs. [Period] as well as in the next paragraph Mrs
Potatoes forgotten she ran into the -> comma after forgotten,
wardrope!!" (European vs. American reference?)
She had often played the game with him to see how fast he could run up the stairs and hide in his parents big wardrope
-> wardrobe three references
Comment Written 22-Aug-2016
reply by the author on 23-Aug-2016
-
Hi Mary, thanks a lot and being so lenient on me for some spelling mistakes I normally wouldn't do. They are all corrected and I'm so pleased with your review. All the best. Ulla:)))
Comment from MelB
All these stories from the Holocaust survivors are so gripping! It's so hard to believe this happened - not that it happened - just that people could be so incredibly cruel and evil. A wonderful write and contest entry!
reply by the author on 23-Aug-2016
|
All these stories from the Holocaust survivors are so gripping! It's so hard to believe this happened - not that it happened - just that people could be so incredibly cruel and evil. A wonderful write and contest entry!
Comment Written 22-Aug-2016
reply by the author on 23-Aug-2016
-
Thank you so very much Melissa, so glad you like it. Thanks for your good wishes. All the best. Ulla:)))
Comment from Carolyn 'Deaton' Stephens
Your mother was brave and compassionate. I know you must have been very proud of her and loved her. The stories she shared with you have been written in a manner that honors her life and exposes the cruelty and harshness of the time she lived in.
well done,
:-) Carolyn
reply by the author on 23-Aug-2016
|
Your mother was brave and compassionate. I know you must have been very proud of her and loved her. The stories she shared with you have been written in a manner that honors her life and exposes the cruelty and harshness of the time she lived in.
well done,
:-) Carolyn
Comment Written 21-Aug-2016
reply by the author on 23-Aug-2016
-
Thanks a lot, Carolyn, Your praise means so much to me. All the best. Ulla:)))
Comment from light
Ulla, you did a great job on this piece of history. Although I lived I in the U.S., I remember the air raids and when we had to cover the Windows so no light would show. Those were frightening times. Hope you do well in the contest.
Elaine
reply by the author on 23-Aug-2016
|
Ulla, you did a great job on this piece of history. Although I lived I in the U.S., I remember the air raids and when we had to cover the Windows so no light would show. Those were frightening times. Hope you do well in the contest.
Elaine
Comment Written 21-Aug-2016
reply by the author on 23-Aug-2016
-
Thanks a lot Elaine for a wonderful review and good luck wishes. All the best. Ulla:)))
Comment from Tpa
A marvelous story. You had a dynamic opening, one that enriched this reader that an adventurous tale was about to begin. Of course, you delivered that promise and you did so, flawlessly. I wish you well in your writing. It is not only knowledgeable of the past but very entertaining.
reply by the author on 23-Aug-2016
|
A marvelous story. You had a dynamic opening, one that enriched this reader that an adventurous tale was about to begin. Of course, you delivered that promise and you did so, flawlessly. I wish you well in your writing. It is not only knowledgeable of the past but very entertaining.
Comment Written 21-Aug-2016
reply by the author on 23-Aug-2016
-
Thank you so very much. I'm glad you liked it. All the best, Ulla:))
Comment from pvlamb
That is a great depiction of what millions of Jews experienced during that dark time in history. I could really feel the tension in Elise's character.
reply by the author on 23-Aug-2016
|
That is a great depiction of what millions of Jews experienced during that dark time in history. I could really feel the tension in Elise's character.
Comment Written 21-Aug-2016
reply by the author on 23-Aug-2016
-
Thank you so very much. All the best. Ulla:))
Comment from Bill O'Bier
Yes the Danes proved that widespread support for Jews and resistance to Nazi policies could save lives. Thanks for your story. It was well delivered. Your words are expressive and the arrangement with the artwork is creative. Thanks for sharing and good luck in this contest.
Wishing you all the best...
Bill
reply by the author on 23-Aug-2016
|
Yes the Danes proved that widespread support for Jews and resistance to Nazi policies could save lives. Thanks for your story. It was well delivered. Your words are expressive and the arrangement with the artwork is creative. Thanks for sharing and good luck in this contest.
Wishing you all the best...
Bill
Comment Written 21-Aug-2016
reply by the author on 23-Aug-2016
-
Thank you so much for this great review. Yeah, they stood up against the Nazis all right. All the best. Ulla:))
Comment from Giddy Nielsen-Sweep
This really brought the war home to us in all its cruelty and fear, Ulla. I found it most interesting and quite a gripping story. It was a very sad story and particularly so sad to think human beings can be like that to each other. Giddy :):) xx
reply by the author on 23-Aug-2016
|
This really brought the war home to us in all its cruelty and fear, Ulla. I found it most interesting and quite a gripping story. It was a very sad story and particularly so sad to think human beings can be like that to each other. Giddy :):) xx
Comment Written 21-Aug-2016
reply by the author on 23-Aug-2016
-
Thank you so very much, Giddy. Yeah, it was bad times indeed. Let's hope we will never face the same again. All the best. Ulla:)))
