Dark Covenant
Viewing comments for Chapter 25 "Demon At Large"The Berwick Witches Series: Book One
22 total reviews
Comment from giraffmang
Hi there,
With Karl's situation hanging in the balance, Jessie missing and Ward on the hunt, a lot going on in here. The action is handled well, and things are moving on.
from the extra tress of breathing - stress?
lower temperature that most people aren't used to - than most people are used to.
"Oh, Lord, jewel, - Jewel.
unlocking all the locks on the front door then bolted to his black - I was thinking it may be an idea to use another word here instead of bolted as you had just been talking about locks in the same sentence - just a thought.
When Ward arrived at Jessie's apartment building, lightning lit up the sky and it began to rain; this was never a good sign to those like Ward who dealt with affairs of the supernatural. The doorman smiled and held the door open for Ward and he nodded and approached the desk where the security guard looked up from a book. - Ward is used three times in this paragraph in rapid succession. The last one is probably unnecessary and could be deleted with 'held the door open for him' or 'opened the door.'
get Karl's things. - needs closing speech marks here.
he didn't let them in either. - needs closing speech marks here too.
A fat chubby man - either fat or chubby.
"Can I help you?" the manager asked."
- delete the speech marks at the end.
get my nephew's things.
- needs closing speech marks here.
"Jewel, baby, I love ya" - needs punctuation before the speech mark.
GMG
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 16-Dec-2015
  |
Hi there,
With Karl's situation hanging in the balance, Jessie missing and Ward on the hunt, a lot going on in here. The action is handled well, and things are moving on.
from the extra tress of breathing - stress?
lower temperature that most people aren't used to - than most people are used to.
"Oh, Lord, jewel, - Jewel.
unlocking all the locks on the front door then bolted to his black - I was thinking it may be an idea to use another word here instead of bolted as you had just been talking about locks in the same sentence - just a thought.
When Ward arrived at Jessie's apartment building, lightning lit up the sky and it began to rain; this was never a good sign to those like Ward who dealt with affairs of the supernatural. The doorman smiled and held the door open for Ward and he nodded and approached the desk where the security guard looked up from a book. - Ward is used three times in this paragraph in rapid succession. The last one is probably unnecessary and could be deleted with 'held the door open for him' or 'opened the door.'
get Karl's things. - needs closing speech marks here.
he didn't let them in either. - needs closing speech marks here too.
A fat chubby man - either fat or chubby.
"Can I help you?" the manager asked."
- delete the speech marks at the end.
get my nephew's things.
- needs closing speech marks here.
"Jewel, baby, I love ya" - needs punctuation before the speech mark.
GMG
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 16-Dec-2015
reply by the author on 16-Dec-2015
-
Wow, thank you so much. I missed a lot. Good grief. I really appreciate you catching those mistakes. I made the corrections.
Comment from country ranch writer
WOW THAT'S WHY THEY SAY WE ARE KNOW BY THE COMPANY ONE KEEPS,YOU NEVER KNOW WHEN A FRIEND WILL TURN ON YOU AND PUT THE BITE ON YOU. jUST A LITTLE TEASING HERE HOPE YOU DON'T MIND IT IS A GREAT STORY KEEP UP THE GOOD WORK
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 16-Dec-2015
|
WOW THAT'S WHY THEY SAY WE ARE KNOW BY THE COMPANY ONE KEEPS,YOU NEVER KNOW WHEN A FRIEND WILL TURN ON YOU AND PUT THE BITE ON YOU. jUST A LITTLE TEASING HERE HOPE YOU DON'T MIND IT IS A GREAT STORY KEEP UP THE GOOD WORK
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 16-Dec-2015
reply by the author on 16-Dec-2015
-
Thank you very much. I appreciate your review.
-
s m i l e s
