Race War
Chapter one: Jerome33 total reviews
Comment from James Dooney
Oh my I think you have done a really good job here. You have handled a very sensitive topic so well. I love asian ladies too !
  |
Oh my I think you have done a really good job here. You have handled a very sensitive topic so well. I love asian ladies too !
Comment Written 14-Sep-2014
Comment from judiverse
This is excellent and worth six stars. Realistic dialogue, and the reader is drawn to Jerome. Right, he shouldn't have worn his academic medals. That made him fodder for the know-nothing gangsters. He would have been sadly outnumbered. The older man who intervenes is also an excellent character. He knows how to speak to the young thugs. Without any knowledge of their own, they aren't able to do much of anything, as he tells them. Don't blame Jerome for wanting to get far away from that neighborhood. You leave the story at an interesting point. You leave the readers wondering about that white couple in Missouri. judi
 |
This is excellent and worth six stars. Realistic dialogue, and the reader is drawn to Jerome. Right, he shouldn't have worn his academic medals. That made him fodder for the know-nothing gangsters. He would have been sadly outnumbered. The older man who intervenes is also an excellent character. He knows how to speak to the young thugs. Without any knowledge of their own, they aren't able to do much of anything, as he tells them. Don't blame Jerome for wanting to get far away from that neighborhood. You leave the story at an interesting point. You leave the readers wondering about that white couple in Missouri. judi
Comment Written 14-Sep-2014
Comment from Dean Kuch
Oh, not fair to leave us hangin' like that, Lance! But, i suppose the contest rules pretty much dictate as such.
The older guy was right. Brute force and brawn are needed during wartime. But, even with all of our technology in the military today, there still has to be those who assist the grunts on the ground with GPS satellites, manning the communications and intel, etc. It takes both brains and brawn to win, and this guy got that.
Good story, very well written.
Best of luck to you.
|
Oh, not fair to leave us hangin' like that, Lance! But, i suppose the contest rules pretty much dictate as such.
The older guy was right. Brute force and brawn are needed during wartime. But, even with all of our technology in the military today, there still has to be those who assist the grunts on the ground with GPS satellites, manning the communications and intel, etc. It takes both brains and brawn to win, and this guy got that.
Good story, very well written.
Best of luck to you.
Comment Written 14-Sep-2014
Comment from Eternal Muse
Oh, I absolutely loved this. You are a master narrator, and I admire your style. This should be published. You build up a suspense well, with stays with the reader till the end. Frankly, I thought they were going to beat him to a pulp. But a miracle for that kid happened.
A fantastic use of dialogue.
I wish you luck with this contest, it is a win in my book.
|
Oh, I absolutely loved this. You are a master narrator, and I admire your style. This should be published. You build up a suspense well, with stays with the reader till the end. Frankly, I thought they were going to beat him to a pulp. But a miracle for that kid happened.
A fantastic use of dialogue.
I wish you luck with this contest, it is a win in my book.
Comment Written 14-Sep-2014
Comment from IndianaIrish
A good entry for this contest, Lancellot. I would like to read more about Jerome and what happens in his life. I made some notes for you to look over and see if you agree. Best wishes in the contest.
Smiles,
Indy : )
The clinking of Jason's seven gold medals (his name is Jerome)
and his heart sunk(sank--sunk cannot be used without a helping verb such as has or had)
flash of gold teeth from one of the gang members, (comma not needed here) made him want to turn
He looked down(delete comma), and saw hands balled into fist(fists),
He balled his own hands into fist(s)(delete comma-comma isn't used to separate dependent clauses), and waited for the first blow, he knew would come.
As one(,) all heads turned
"One of us beat them in science and math. Well, that's something."(you have the older man saying this. How does he know the team beat the north spiders in science and math?)
He wiped the sweat from his face(del comma), and vowed to never to return to this neighborhood after graduation. (You use to three times here. You can delete the first one and the sentence still makes sense)
That night(,) he completed three University(university. Capitalized when used with university's name)applications for schools far from his home.
While Jerome dreamed of Asian girls.(, in) In the small town of Jasper(,) Missouri(,) a young white couple...
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 14-Sep-2014
 |
A good entry for this contest, Lancellot. I would like to read more about Jerome and what happens in his life. I made some notes for you to look over and see if you agree. Best wishes in the contest.
Smiles,
Indy : )
The clinking of Jason's seven gold medals (his name is Jerome)
and his heart sunk(sank--sunk cannot be used without a helping verb such as has or had)
flash of gold teeth from one of the gang members, (comma not needed here) made him want to turn
He looked down(delete comma), and saw hands balled into fist(fists),
He balled his own hands into fist(s)(delete comma-comma isn't used to separate dependent clauses), and waited for the first blow, he knew would come.
As one(,) all heads turned
"One of us beat them in science and math. Well, that's something."(you have the older man saying this. How does he know the team beat the north spiders in science and math?)
He wiped the sweat from his face(del comma), and vowed to never to return to this neighborhood after graduation. (You use to three times here. You can delete the first one and the sentence still makes sense)
That night(,) he completed three University(university. Capitalized when used with university's name)applications for schools far from his home.
While Jerome dreamed of Asian girls.(, in) In the small town of Jasper(,) Missouri(,) a young white couple...
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 14-Sep-2014
reply by the author on 14-Sep-2014
-
excellent. i can't believe i missed all that. i owe you. thank you.
Comment from Tsukuyomi969
Ok, that totally made me ask "what's the rest of the story?" I hope you write it; I'd love to read it.
Oh, you know, Jerome isn't the only smart one there--old man is pretty smart, too.
Good job, and good luck in the contest.
|
Ok, that totally made me ask "what's the rest of the story?" I hope you write it; I'd love to read it.
Oh, you know, Jerome isn't the only smart one there--old man is pretty smart, too.
Good job, and good luck in the contest.
Comment Written 14-Sep-2014
Comment from Michaelk
An excellent story and an excellent point. Why terrorize the smart kids? They are the ones who grow up and invent the atomic bomb or something equally as deadly.
I liked that the conflict in this story wasn't resolved with fists but with words.
Your characters were well done and believable. You hooked me early and built tension at a nice pace throughout. I definitely would like to read more of this story. Well done.
|
An excellent story and an excellent point. Why terrorize the smart kids? They are the ones who grow up and invent the atomic bomb or something equally as deadly.
I liked that the conflict in this story wasn't resolved with fists but with words.
Your characters were well done and believable. You hooked me early and built tension at a nice pace throughout. I definitely would like to read more of this story. Well done.
Comment Written 14-Sep-2014
Comment from Pyrrho
I assess this type of competition by deciding if I would enjoy writing a short story or a novel to complete it. I would not in this case, but it is excellent by my lights.
|
I assess this type of competition by deciding if I would enjoy writing a short story or a novel to complete it. I would not in this case, but it is excellent by my lights.
Comment Written 14-Sep-2014
Comment from Ben Colder
Race wars has been around for ever. Even in Bible days one race desired superiority over the other. Good short story. Best to you
|
Race wars has been around for ever. Even in Bible days one race desired superiority over the other. Good short story. Best to you
Comment Written 14-Sep-2014
Comment from stroncoso1
I really enjoyed reading your story. It has great pacing, and urgency. Jerome is a well written character and the dialogue rings natural in your piece. I saw only an extra word in the sentence: "-and vowed to never to return to this neighborhood after graduation." You do not need the word "to" three times. (and vowed never to return to this neighborhood) All in all, this is a good entry and I was compelled to read every word to the end. Good luck in the contest. So what happened with the young white couple? Nicely written.
|
I really enjoyed reading your story. It has great pacing, and urgency. Jerome is a well written character and the dialogue rings natural in your piece. I saw only an extra word in the sentence: "-and vowed to never to return to this neighborhood after graduation." You do not need the word "to" three times. (and vowed never to return to this neighborhood) All in all, this is a good entry and I was compelled to read every word to the end. Good luck in the contest. So what happened with the young white couple? Nicely written.
Comment Written 14-Sep-2014
