Tantalizing Eyes
Viewing comments for Chapter 44 "Chapter thirteen; part one"Dishonesty VS Love. Which will win?
73 total reviews
Comment from empire76
Nice. Lots of tension toward the end there.
- After studying each key, she figured out how to shut down the system without setting off alarms.
how? I'm guessing shutting down alarm systems isn't one of those random everyday things we all know. So might be a good idea to tell us how she figured it out. e.g does she somehow have some limited knowledge on stuff like that? Maybe something handy to know when you are the daughter of a drug lord?
(anyhoo, I thought about it so I mentioned it)
Empi
reply by the author on 25-Apr-2010
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Nice. Lots of tension toward the end there.
- After studying each key, she figured out how to shut down the system without setting off alarms.
how? I'm guessing shutting down alarm systems isn't one of those random everyday things we all know. So might be a good idea to tell us how she figured it out. e.g does she somehow have some limited knowledge on stuff like that? Maybe something handy to know when you are the daughter of a drug lord?
(anyhoo, I thought about it so I mentioned it)
Empi
Comment Written 25-Apr-2010
reply by the author on 25-Apr-2010
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Thank you for your kind review. I appreciate your assistance.
Comment from Margaret Snowdon
What drama, Barbara - Leya killing
her own father. Your work is always
well written and presented.
I know I keep repeating myself - but
it's true - always easy to understand
and follow the story.
Margaret.
reply by the author on 25-Apr-2010
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What drama, Barbara - Leya killing
her own father. Your work is always
well written and presented.
I know I keep repeating myself - but
it's true - always easy to understand
and follow the story.
Margaret.
Comment Written 25-Apr-2010
reply by the author on 25-Apr-2010
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Thank you for your kind review. I appreciate it.
Comment from olliebuster
Good description. A typical mafia type situation.Marrying gringos may lead to family secrets being spilt. Something tells me that Leya has her own agenda- She killed her father and ran away from her husband. Seems no safe ghouse can hold her. The are a couple of grammatical errors which could be corrected on editing, i.e.We're on the say, but it was a clean shoot. Replace shoot by shot.
Also, "she pulled the trigger and dropped the gun" The presence of and gives the impression of two separate motions. If and, is replaced by then, the motion becomes continuous. My opinion anyway. A good read nevertheless. Olliebuster.
reply by the author on 25-Apr-2010
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Good description. A typical mafia type situation.Marrying gringos may lead to family secrets being spilt. Something tells me that Leya has her own agenda- She killed her father and ran away from her husband. Seems no safe ghouse can hold her. The are a couple of grammatical errors which could be corrected on editing, i.e.We're on the say, but it was a clean shoot. Replace shoot by shot.
Also, "she pulled the trigger and dropped the gun" The presence of and gives the impression of two separate motions. If and, is replaced by then, the motion becomes continuous. My opinion anyway. A good read nevertheless. Olliebuster.
Comment Written 25-Apr-2010
reply by the author on 25-Apr-2010
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"We're on our way, but I'm sure she had reason and it's a clean shoot." (I copied this sentence directly from my post. I see nothing wrong with it. It is written 'way' aand, I wanted shoot there, because that is the way it would be said. My husband retired from CID in the US Army and that's exactly how it would be said. I did add the 'then' you suggest. Thank you for the review.
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You got it. Ollie
Comment from Auroraboreal800
This is a very dramatic chapter... So, Leya has shot her father defending Steven? I think, now, the cartel will want revenge.
Can't wait for the next installment.
Great job!
reply by the author on 25-Apr-2010
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This is a very dramatic chapter... So, Leya has shot her father defending Steven? I think, now, the cartel will want revenge.
Can't wait for the next installment.
Great job!
Comment Written 25-Apr-2010
reply by the author on 25-Apr-2010
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Thank you for your kind review.
Comment from Belinda
Quite a dramatic chapter, Barbara. Love is thicker than blood it seems. I bet things will get well between the two lovers, but will be complicated for the rest. Very interesting and intriguing.
reply by the author on 25-Apr-2010
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Quite a dramatic chapter, Barbara. Love is thicker than blood it seems. I bet things will get well between the two lovers, but will be complicated for the rest. Very interesting and intriguing.
Comment Written 25-Apr-2010
reply by the author on 25-Apr-2010
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Thank you for your kind review and support.
Comment from Heynonni
Good work, very interesting. I like your skill with dialogue and scene descriptions. I have only one edit to suggest; at the end, it should probably say "news of Hector's death [gets] out". Again, nice work
reply by the author on 25-Apr-2010
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Good work, very interesting. I like your skill with dialogue and scene descriptions. I have only one edit to suggest; at the end, it should probably say "news of Hector's death [gets] out". Again, nice work
Comment Written 25-Apr-2010
reply by the author on 25-Apr-2010
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Thank you for your review. I made the change.
Comment from Isaiah Ramesses
Wow! The sparks of drama are really flying in this one, Barbara. Shooting her father...hmm? I sort of saw her choosing between the two, but never believed it would be like this.
Well done.
Isaiah Ramesses
reply by the author on 25-Apr-2010
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Wow! The sparks of drama are really flying in this one, Barbara. Shooting her father...hmm? I sort of saw her choosing between the two, but never believed it would be like this.
Well done.
Isaiah Ramesses
Comment Written 25-Apr-2010
reply by the author on 25-Apr-2010
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Thank you for your kind review.
Comment from nora arjuna
good grief, she killed her father! that was quite unexpected, barb. see some notes:
Her swallow caught in her throat and [it] hurt.
We knew where she headed [to] and saw no reason to follow
[He] hesitated before he asked - when 2 guys are speaking, it'll be clearer to use their names at instances. Here, suggest use 'Steven hesitated..'
Before [Matt] said goodbye, he added - same here
now making up time.
reply by the author on 25-Apr-2010
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good grief, she killed her father! that was quite unexpected, barb. see some notes:
Her swallow caught in her throat and [it] hurt.
We knew where she headed [to] and saw no reason to follow
[He] hesitated before he asked - when 2 guys are speaking, it'll be clearer to use their names at instances. Here, suggest use 'Steven hesitated..'
Before [Matt] said goodbye, he added - same here
now making up time.
Comment Written 25-Apr-2010
reply by the author on 25-Apr-2010
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Thank you for your review. I appreciate you catching those for me. I will make the changes.
Comment from Perp Ihebom
Wow, this is something else, my friend. Very well written with lucid language. The choice before Leya was a terrible one and the sacrifice she made for love very challenging. kudos
reply by the author on 25-Apr-2010
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Wow, this is something else, my friend. Very well written with lucid language. The choice before Leya was a terrible one and the sacrifice she made for love very challenging. kudos
Comment Written 25-Apr-2010
reply by the author on 25-Apr-2010
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Thank you for your kind review. I appreciate it and the 6 stars. Thank you again.
Comment from Donna Thompson
wow killing her father.. no spags found.. great job from beginning to end.. had my interest throughout. well done with description and flow of events to make it easy to follow
reply by the author on 25-Apr-2010
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wow killing her father.. no spags found.. great job from beginning to end.. had my interest throughout. well done with description and flow of events to make it easy to follow
Comment Written 25-Apr-2010
reply by the author on 25-Apr-2010
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Thank you for your kind review.
