Secrets in the Wind
Viewing comments for Chapter 17 "Secrets in the Wind - Chap 17"A story of loss, deceit, murder and crime
22 total reviews
Comment from BethShelby
I'm glad these ladies aren't hurt so badly that they won't recover. This is another excellent chapter. I didn't realize that someone in the prison new Allie was undercover. I guess explains why she was targeted as well as Cassidy. Nicely written. I wondering when we learn more about the ladies living on the property that Liz didn't know about.
reply by the author on 03-Aug-2021
  |
I'm glad these ladies aren't hurt so badly that they won't recover. This is another excellent chapter. I didn't realize that someone in the prison new Allie was undercover. I guess explains why she was targeted as well as Cassidy. Nicely written. I wondering when we learn more about the ladies living on the property that Liz didn't know about.
Comment Written 03-Aug-2021
reply by the author on 03-Aug-2021
-
Thanks, Beth!
As for Mary, Faith, and Annie... I am just about to develop that further with Hank going to see them. I need Cassidy and Allie recovering at the ranch first. At some point, whether newspaper, picture, or seeing her, Mary needs to recognize Cassidy. And the existence of Jon will begin to unravel. Working on it!
Smiles, Carol
Comment from Susan Newell
Great movement of the plot and you're tying in bits and pieces. The girls are doing pretty well for all the stabbing. I can't remember if the "agents" were male guards or what. If so, it wouldn't hurt to remind us. I also remember only a scuffle in the dining hall, not an assault on the guards/agents. You may have to clarify that in the previous chapter. Your narrative is improving and I found only one POV issue. You might just want to break it with asterisks and beef it up a little. Of course, I'm hungry for more, but take the time to make sure the readers knows everything they need to. Slipped in reminders don't hurt.
Beads of sweat were multiplying like chickenpox across Garth's forehead as he paced back and forth. -- Great opening line!
The dispatcher -- Is this the right word? Is the person in the prison? If so, it would seem more likely to be a telephone communications officer, or something. Maybe search for who controls incoming calls in a prison. Or is this the warden's secretary? (Most likely scenario.)
"Um..." The officer peered through the glass window, praying for the warden to appear. Anyone to take the wild man on the other end of the line off her hands would be just fine. --
POV; Garth couldn't see this.
"They are currently in two ambulances being..." -- this follows "agents an Allie." How many agents? Are they sharing ambulances?
Who's hurt? -- the warden doesn't answer this question -- there's been no mention of Cassidy
ran his hands up and down his long legs, breathing -- of course he's breathing. ð??? But how?
says someone jumped my guys,-- confusing; I assumed they were undercover as female inmates. I did't get any of the "jumping" from the warden's words
Her words sucker-punched him in his gut. -- not sure sucker-punched is applicable. Perhaps better to say "were a punch to his gut."
the car door-- introduce the Jeep here; then . . .
as she braked the Jeep to a stop -- something like "as the brakes responded to the sudden force of her foot"-- just beef up a little
We don't know how they found out my agents, -- how they ID'd my agents
"Jeremy Dalton." Garth stepped to the side of Cassidy's bed -- I don't understand why he would use his fake name, then ID himself as FBI
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 03-Aug-2021
|
Great movement of the plot and you're tying in bits and pieces. The girls are doing pretty well for all the stabbing. I can't remember if the "agents" were male guards or what. If so, it wouldn't hurt to remind us. I also remember only a scuffle in the dining hall, not an assault on the guards/agents. You may have to clarify that in the previous chapter. Your narrative is improving and I found only one POV issue. You might just want to break it with asterisks and beef it up a little. Of course, I'm hungry for more, but take the time to make sure the readers knows everything they need to. Slipped in reminders don't hurt.
Beads of sweat were multiplying like chickenpox across Garth's forehead as he paced back and forth. -- Great opening line!
The dispatcher -- Is this the right word? Is the person in the prison? If so, it would seem more likely to be a telephone communications officer, or something. Maybe search for who controls incoming calls in a prison. Or is this the warden's secretary? (Most likely scenario.)
"Um..." The officer peered through the glass window, praying for the warden to appear. Anyone to take the wild man on the other end of the line off her hands would be just fine. --
POV; Garth couldn't see this.
"They are currently in two ambulances being..." -- this follows "agents an Allie." How many agents? Are they sharing ambulances?
Who's hurt? -- the warden doesn't answer this question -- there's been no mention of Cassidy
ran his hands up and down his long legs, breathing -- of course he's breathing. ð??? But how?
says someone jumped my guys,-- confusing; I assumed they were undercover as female inmates. I did't get any of the "jumping" from the warden's words
Her words sucker-punched him in his gut. -- not sure sucker-punched is applicable. Perhaps better to say "were a punch to his gut."
the car door-- introduce the Jeep here; then . . .
as she braked the Jeep to a stop -- something like "as the brakes responded to the sudden force of her foot"-- just beef up a little
We don't know how they found out my agents, -- how they ID'd my agents
"Jeremy Dalton." Garth stepped to the side of Cassidy's bed -- I don't understand why he would use his fake name, then ID himself as FBI
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 03-Aug-2021
reply by the author on 03-Aug-2021
-
Beads of sweat were multiplying like chickenpox across Garth's forehead as he paced back and forth. -- Great opening line!
I wrote this, and I was specifically thinking of your reaction..LOL
I assumed (bad word) if an FBI undercover guard gets attacked and injured..they had to be jumped from behind by more than one person....
As for the use of Jeremy... even though he's telling her he is FBI, maybe he doesn't want his name used and she might slip up... He doesn't really know much about her.
Okay there's some thoughts for you and I to chew on... I'll go back to the drawing board till you catch up with me. LOL
Thanks for all the feed back...Smiles and hugs, Carol
I also knew exactly where the POV switched but wasn't sure how to write the part without eliminating her stress.
I thought I wrote agents and the girls... but my brain must have had his brain on Allie. LOL
To be honest, the warden hasn't gotten the complete picture. He's overwhelmed with Garth's hostile attacks and having lost control of a situation in his prison.Maybe I should say "I believe the girls were stabbed. And I've not been updated on the agents."
I had breathing slowly...but I was told to cut the adverbs.
-
Give me more of the figurative language. Readers lap it up like dog's lap water in the noonday sun.
Just separate with asterisks for POV shift. You could add the warden talking to the secretary (?) to increase that section. Show some of his exasperation, while he holds his hand over the speaker on the phone. More suspense.
Garths breathing -- did it come in hasps, was it loud -- that kind of thing
