Writings From the Heart
Viewing comments for Chapter 5 "The Quest"A book of Poetry & Writing
233 total reviews
Comment from rama devi
This is good, but still needs fine tuning in terms of spag issues. the punctuation choices are odd and create long run on sentence structure. Also, punctuaiton is also missing in some places. the way you have phrased this makes it harder to read. i think it would work better with shorter sentences. I hope you do not mind if I make an example of how you might remedy this (with trimming and shorter sentence structure)---just for your consideration:
Go as a pilgrim and seek out your quest,
Far from the comforts and well-lit avenues of life.
Bet your soul against the human unknown,
Seeking intimate wealth in the company of friends.
Experience lust, love, anger, tears and pain
Only to survive to see another moonlit night alone.
Then will you be at peace with yourself
And to be able to say, I am my best friend.
I look down the farthest side of my life with age,
Fulfilled and understanding in all, and truly content
I lived a life that was of my own choice
Please note, in final line, I think you should delete the first THAT, as using THAT twice in one line weakens it's effect.
Hope this is helpful, as that is my intent. Please feel free to let me know if you make revisions. i will be happy to re-review.
Good theme.
Warmly, rd
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reply by the author on 28-Apr-2010
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This is good, but still needs fine tuning in terms of spag issues. the punctuation choices are odd and create long run on sentence structure. Also, punctuaiton is also missing in some places. the way you have phrased this makes it harder to read. i think it would work better with shorter sentences. I hope you do not mind if I make an example of how you might remedy this (with trimming and shorter sentence structure)---just for your consideration:
Go as a pilgrim and seek out your quest,
Far from the comforts and well-lit avenues of life.
Bet your soul against the human unknown,
Seeking intimate wealth in the company of friends.
Experience lust, love, anger, tears and pain
Only to survive to see another moonlit night alone.
Then will you be at peace with yourself
And to be able to say, I am my best friend.
I look down the farthest side of my life with age,
Fulfilled and understanding in all, and truly content
I lived a life that was of my own choice
Please note, in final line, I think you should delete the first THAT, as using THAT twice in one line weakens it's effect.
Hope this is helpful, as that is my intent. Please feel free to let me know if you make revisions. i will be happy to re-review.
Good theme.
Warmly, rd
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 28-Apr-2010
reply by the author on 28-Apr-2010
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Thanks for the comments Rama your always welcome
Comment from kintesiegel
here is another didactic poem that speaks to the wisdom that has accumulated over the years. To be true to yourself is its theme. it is well written and effective.
reply by the author on 28-Apr-2010
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here is another didactic poem that speaks to the wisdom that has accumulated over the years. To be true to yourself is its theme. it is well written and effective.
Comment Written 28-Apr-2010
reply by the author on 28-Apr-2010
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Thank you
Comment from Aletheia
Seeking intimate wealth in the company of friends,
To experience lust, love, anger, tears and pain
I like these two lines as a reminder of how important friendships can be, as they open doors to experiencin all these emotions.
Very nicely written piece with an important message that everyone should have faith in themselves. B
reply by the author on 28-Apr-2010
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Seeking intimate wealth in the company of friends,
To experience lust, love, anger, tears and pain
I like these two lines as a reminder of how important friendships can be, as they open doors to experiencin all these emotions.
Very nicely written piece with an important message that everyone should have faith in themselves. B
Comment Written 28-Apr-2010
reply by the author on 28-Apr-2010
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Thank you
Comment from c_lucas
Never search for something in anger. Look for the lesson to be learned in your present pathway of life. This is very well written. Have faith in yourself.
reply by the author on 28-Apr-2010
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Never search for something in anger. Look for the lesson to be learned in your present pathway of life. This is very well written. Have faith in yourself.
Comment Written 28-Apr-2010
reply by the author on 28-Apr-2010
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Thank you
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You're welcome, DW. Charlie
Comment from Joan E.
Thank you for your good advice and all of your metaphors: "pilgrim/quest/avenues," "bet," "wealth," "farthest side." I liked your conclusion about the satisfaction of making one's own choices.
reply by the author on 28-Apr-2010
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Thank you for your good advice and all of your metaphors: "pilgrim/quest/avenues," "bet," "wealth," "farthest side." I liked your conclusion about the satisfaction of making one's own choices.
Comment Written 28-Apr-2010
reply by the author on 28-Apr-2010
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Thank you
Comment from DrCarter2001
Hi GW, this free verse poem has a great message to it, and I like the "Call to action" feel of it. My suggestions are all grammatical/technical:
"well lighten" - do you mean "well-lit"? lighten is a verb, not an adjective
"human unknown's" -I'm also not sure what you mean by this, but you can be poetic and still more grammatically correct by removing the "'s"
I would also suggest either eliminating the commas and use no punctuation, or use correct punctuation including periods at the end of complete sentences ("...another moonlit night alone." and "...of my own choice.")
Keep up the good work!
reply by the author on 28-Apr-2010
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Hi GW, this free verse poem has a great message to it, and I like the "Call to action" feel of it. My suggestions are all grammatical/technical:
"well lighten" - do you mean "well-lit"? lighten is a verb, not an adjective
"human unknown's" -I'm also not sure what you mean by this, but you can be poetic and still more grammatically correct by removing the "'s"
I would also suggest either eliminating the commas and use no punctuation, or use correct punctuation including periods at the end of complete sentences ("...another moonlit night alone." and "...of my own choice.")
Keep up the good work!
Comment Written 28-Apr-2010
reply by the author on 28-Apr-2010
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Thank you
Comment from Wendyanne
Hi deepwater. This is a very interesting and thought-provoking piece of poetry. I love the idea of being my own best friend. Well done
reply by the author on 28-Apr-2010
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Hi deepwater. This is a very interesting and thought-provoking piece of poetry. I love the idea of being my own best friend. Well done
Comment Written 28-Apr-2010
reply by the author on 28-Apr-2010
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Thank you
Comment from kath79
I found this poem really interseting. The theme is nice and you create strong images with your choice of words. In the secind line, the word 'lighten' made me pause at first, but reading it again I actually kind of liked it. I don't know if you meant to use 'lit', but I thought lighten was an interesting choice. I'm not a poet though, I can only say what I like, and I liked this.
reply by the author on 28-Apr-2010
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I found this poem really interseting. The theme is nice and you create strong images with your choice of words. In the secind line, the word 'lighten' made me pause at first, but reading it again I actually kind of liked it. I don't know if you meant to use 'lit', but I thought lighten was an interesting choice. I'm not a poet though, I can only say what I like, and I liked this.
Comment Written 28-Apr-2010
reply by the author on 28-Apr-2010
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Thank you
Comment from Krugerrand
A deeply philosophical poem that expresses much of the human and spiritual journey to happiness and fulfillment.
Great flow. No suggestions for improvement.
Thanks for sharing!
reply by the author on 28-Apr-2010
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A deeply philosophical poem that expresses much of the human and spiritual journey to happiness and fulfillment.
Great flow. No suggestions for improvement.
Thanks for sharing!
Comment Written 28-Apr-2010
reply by the author on 28-Apr-2010
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Thank you
Comment from percival86jack
You speak of a life that would be honorable to lead. Some are able, some are not. It is not always a choice. Well written my friend... cheers, Jack
reply by the author on 28-Apr-2010
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You speak of a life that would be honorable to lead. Some are able, some are not. It is not always a choice. Well written my friend... cheers, Jack
Comment Written 28-Apr-2010
reply by the author on 28-Apr-2010
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Thank you Jack
