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Viewing comments for Chapter 25 "The Color of Tears"Free verse poems
23 total reviews
Comment from nancy_e_davis
I was attracted to your picture choice Carol. I am not a fan of free verse, but this one drew me in. I would have said I stepped out one winters day because you change tenses later in the poem to physically be there.
Several phrases impressed me...garlands of snow gripped bare branches. The third verse contained excellent imagery and the fifth speaking of an unseen danger, that is magically taken care of and the speaker heads back as it begins to snow again. It is lovely. :) Nancy
reply by the author on 15-Aug-2018
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I was attracted to your picture choice Carol. I am not a fan of free verse, but this one drew me in. I would have said I stepped out one winters day because you change tenses later in the poem to physically be there.
Several phrases impressed me...garlands of snow gripped bare branches. The third verse contained excellent imagery and the fifth speaking of an unseen danger, that is magically taken care of and the speaker heads back as it begins to snow again. It is lovely. :) Nancy
Comment Written 14-Aug-2018
reply by the author on 15-Aug-2018
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Someone else mentioned the change of tense, I need to address that. Thanks so much for reading my free verse poem, I do appreciate that and I like your description of it :))
Carol
Comment from Dorothy Farrell
Hello Carol, this is a lovely free verse, very well written in good descriptive wording.
'garlands of snow gripped bare branches.' Lovely line and good use of metaphor.
'
I am made of that ungentle world;
bones carved from
slabbed river ice; flesh washed by
restless water
in sullen flow; unseen....... Excellent stanza and fine metaphor.
I turned back from
this perfect stillness and returned
to her house, to begin again....... How is your Mother Carol - hope you are coping and bearing up well - God Bless - Dorothy xx
reply by the author on 16-Aug-2018
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Hello Carol, this is a lovely free verse, very well written in good descriptive wording.
'garlands of snow gripped bare branches.' Lovely line and good use of metaphor.
'
I am made of that ungentle world;
bones carved from
slabbed river ice; flesh washed by
restless water
in sullen flow; unseen....... Excellent stanza and fine metaphor.
I turned back from
this perfect stillness and returned
to her house, to begin again....... How is your Mother Carol - hope you are coping and bearing up well - God Bless - Dorothy xx
Comment Written 14-Aug-2018
reply by the author on 16-Aug-2018
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Thank you so much, Dorothy, for this review and for understanding perfectly. My mom is okay, but it makes me sad when she remembers enough to want to go home. I wish she could! I went on a holiday and have felt better for it. God Bless you too
Hugs,
Carol
Comment from Dean Kuch
This is beautifully penned free verse poetry, Carol.
I couldn't help but be reminded of Robert Frost's "Stopping by Woods on a Snowy Evening".
Some wonderful imagery you've created here through careful word choices and placement.
Bravo!
~Dean
reply by the author on 16-Aug-2018
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This is beautifully penned free verse poetry, Carol.
I couldn't help but be reminded of Robert Frost's "Stopping by Woods on a Snowy Evening".
Some wonderful imagery you've created here through careful word choices and placement.
Bravo!
~Dean
Comment Written 14-Aug-2018
reply by the author on 16-Aug-2018
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You would not believe those ice slabs - so smooth on top and bottom, with clean edges on the sides - I was amazed by them. Surprised it took me this long to write about them!
Thank you!
Carol
Comment from Pantygynt
I am completely overwhelmed by this free verse poem. It is formed like an onion, pull away a layer and the onion remains, time after time. The poem seems to me to be a metaphor - no more than a single metaphor, there are so many here.
I know something of the background to this, the importance of the location to you personally, and the identity of the third party, the 'she' and 'her' referred to in the poem, so I tried to put that out of my mind and approach the piece as would a stranger coming upon it for the first time. Of course that is almost impossible.
There is the clear comparison that you offer between your own self and 'that ungentle world', the water that is the life blood flowing beneath the stark stillness yet beauty of the ice, but I could not get away from the other metaphor, where the river is subliminally compared with she, who comes here no more now she is physically weaker. And yet it is not the physical ailment that is portrayed in the poem but a body that contains a damaged mind. It is not you who has lost her way is it?
The final lines bring us back to earth with a bump because as always there is a real world that has to to be coped with however mundane it may be.
There are just so many levels to to this magnificent piece of writing that I believe is the best you have ever done. Six stars is definitely not enough for this. It is a great piece of writing.
reply by the author on 16-Aug-2018
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I am completely overwhelmed by this free verse poem. It is formed like an onion, pull away a layer and the onion remains, time after time. The poem seems to me to be a metaphor - no more than a single metaphor, there are so many here.
I know something of the background to this, the importance of the location to you personally, and the identity of the third party, the 'she' and 'her' referred to in the poem, so I tried to put that out of my mind and approach the piece as would a stranger coming upon it for the first time. Of course that is almost impossible.
There is the clear comparison that you offer between your own self and 'that ungentle world', the water that is the life blood flowing beneath the stark stillness yet beauty of the ice, but I could not get away from the other metaphor, where the river is subliminally compared with she, who comes here no more now she is physically weaker. And yet it is not the physical ailment that is portrayed in the poem but a body that contains a damaged mind. It is not you who has lost her way is it?
The final lines bring us back to earth with a bump because as always there is a real world that has to to be coped with however mundane it may be.
There are just so many levels to to this magnificent piece of writing that I believe is the best you have ever done. Six stars is definitely not enough for this. It is a great piece of writing.
Comment Written 14-Aug-2018
reply by the author on 16-Aug-2018
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Of course you know enough about me to know what I'm talking about here - the "she" in the poem. Years ago, after my parents were divorced, she went through a very difficult breakup and I suffered alongside her. It's hard to explain, but we were very close much of my life. So in a way, I feel lost right alongside her now - especially when she remembers that she's forgotten what was once so important to her. I appreciate your review here more than I can say - thank you, my dear friend.
I may read this at an open mike poetry meeting this coming Sunday. Apparently it is the big one of the summer...last year I couldn't go but Philip went and read a couple of my poems - lol. He read the one about the laundry basket :)))
Carol
Comment from CD Richards
Well, I'm appallingly bad at interpretation, so forgive my ramblings. At first I thought of this as you traveling with a companion, possibly your mother, because of the faltering gait. Then it occurred to me perhaps it was like an out-of-body experience, where you leave yourself behind, possibly because of the last line. I'm guessing more likely the former, or maybe both are wrong lol
In any case, the poem seems to indicate that you sometimes find yourself in dark places, perhaps more than you would like. But there is hope, because it's not always like that. Sometimes we go through periods when things seem bleak, often because of particular circumstances; but after a time the "thaws" take over once more, and life regains its lustre.
Anyway, sorry for rambling, but I guess you can say you did your job well when you have people contemplating your message.
I love the flow of this, and the language used. It reads beautifully. One technique you use, I find especially effective, and this is an example:
Beneath the stillness of
snow and ice
something dark flows, always,
these days.
You could have ended the sentence at "flows". The simple use of the comma, and an extra bit on the end adds a greater depth, and when I hear the author speaking (in my head), it gives the impression of deep contemplation.
Fine job, Carol. Nothing to offer in the way of suggestions -- it doesn't need any changes.
Cheers,
Craig
reply by the author on 16-Aug-2018
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Well, I'm appallingly bad at interpretation, so forgive my ramblings. At first I thought of this as you traveling with a companion, possibly your mother, because of the faltering gait. Then it occurred to me perhaps it was like an out-of-body experience, where you leave yourself behind, possibly because of the last line. I'm guessing more likely the former, or maybe both are wrong lol
In any case, the poem seems to indicate that you sometimes find yourself in dark places, perhaps more than you would like. But there is hope, because it's not always like that. Sometimes we go through periods when things seem bleak, often because of particular circumstances; but after a time the "thaws" take over once more, and life regains its lustre.
Anyway, sorry for rambling, but I guess you can say you did your job well when you have people contemplating your message.
I love the flow of this, and the language used. It reads beautifully. One technique you use, I find especially effective, and this is an example:
Beneath the stillness of
snow and ice
something dark flows, always,
these days.
You could have ended the sentence at "flows". The simple use of the comma, and an extra bit on the end adds a greater depth, and when I hear the author speaking (in my head), it gives the impression of deep contemplation.
Fine job, Carol. Nothing to offer in the way of suggestions -- it doesn't need any changes.
Cheers,
Craig
Comment Written 14-Aug-2018
reply by the author on 16-Aug-2018
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Hi Craig,
thanks for such a great review, and for trying to dig into the meaning. I was walking by the creek, near my mothers old house one day in winter when I found the ice slabs - something I had never seen before. Of course, I was visiting to help with her medical issues, including heart problems and Alzheimer's. The thing it's really about is the way I often seem to feel nothing, even while I have too see my mother decaying further and further into the disease - but beneath it all, the horrible knowledge is always there, along with my inability to do much of anything to help. The worst of it is, I had to take her away from her home (Montana) and she knows she's missing something but can't name what it is.
I don't know if you're supposed to put this much personal meaning into a poem that is unknown to others...? But it feels necessary sometimes. If it means something different to you, I have no problem with that at all. I think we've all had times in life that feel this way, or something like it.
Carol
Comment from Michelle Iden
Nice work. The prose in each stanza propelled the reader to the described place. Really enjoyed going along for the ride. A refreshing poem. Nice writing.
reply by the author on 16-Aug-2018
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Nice work. The prose in each stanza propelled the reader to the described place. Really enjoyed going along for the ride. A refreshing poem. Nice writing.
Comment Written 14-Aug-2018
reply by the author on 16-Aug-2018
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Thank you so much :))
Carol
Comment from royowen
It's really quite amazing the way nature produces its own intricate patterns, God showing off and presenting this gift of artistry to feast upon. And we, the purveyors f interpretation, but never quite understanding, but vaguely reproducing what already incumbent, well done Carol a beautifully written free verse, excellent job, blessings, Roy
reply by the author on 16-Aug-2018
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It's really quite amazing the way nature produces its own intricate patterns, God showing off and presenting this gift of artistry to feast upon. And we, the purveyors f interpretation, but never quite understanding, but vaguely reproducing what already incumbent, well done Carol a beautifully written free verse, excellent job, blessings, Roy
Comment Written 14-Aug-2018
reply by the author on 16-Aug-2018
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Thank you so much, Roy, I hope you are well. Nature is indeed amazing! God must show off at times, or maybe it's just part of His great, natural love of the world and everything in it :)))
Carol
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But He needs you to describe it. Carol,
Comment from Ben Colder
It must have been bitter freeze
and sudden thaw -
Could it be that,
beneath the ice water flowed
all the while
in black, smooth furls
as the world above froze
into perfect stillness.
This stanza brought back memories as a boy. Good job.
reply by the author on 17-Aug-2018
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It must have been bitter freeze
and sudden thaw -
Could it be that,
beneath the ice water flowed
all the while
in black, smooth furls
as the world above froze
into perfect stillness.
This stanza brought back memories as a boy. Good job.
Comment Written 14-Aug-2018
reply by the author on 17-Aug-2018
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Thanks, Ben, I miss Montana too,
Carol
Comment from Alexander Vasa
Hello Ciliverde, you write very poetic free verse, just lovely. So full of imagery in every line and you do paint a lovely picture with words in this poem. I saw no errors, and I didn't stumble over any part of your writing, or have to re-read for meaning.
A very enjoyable work and one I'd recommend to others for review, cheers, Ana
reply by the author on 17-Aug-2018
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Hello Ciliverde, you write very poetic free verse, just lovely. So full of imagery in every line and you do paint a lovely picture with words in this poem. I saw no errors, and I didn't stumble over any part of your writing, or have to re-read for meaning.
A very enjoyable work and one I'd recommend to others for review, cheers, Ana
Comment Written 14-Aug-2018
reply by the author on 17-Aug-2018
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Thank you, much appreciated :))
Carol
Comment from rama devi
Thanks for bringing me along on your brief escape crunching new tracks
through the drifts, as garlands of snow gripped bare branches. I felt I was right there with you. Bravo on the well woven strands of alliteraiton in your phrasing and the fine descriptive richness and fluid flow. This is tight and polished, nuanced and inspired. Six stars!
Favorite lines:
where the creek forms a soft curl of beach
in summer,
great slabs of ice lay tumbled together;
stacked and askew,
but clean-edged as if sliced by
a careful god.
After a dash, no cap here. and I recommend using a ? instead of period, since it poses a question:
It must have been bitter freeze
and sudden thaw -
C(c)ould it be that,
beneath the ice water flowed
all the while
in black, smooth furls
as the world above froze
into perfect stillness.(?)
Hairs on end AHA lines (also favorites);
I am made of that ungentle world;
bones carved from
slabbed river ice; flesh washed by
restless water
in sullen flow; unseen.
OUTSTANDING METAPHOR FOR OUR TIMES:
Beneath the stillness of
snow and ice
something dark flows, always,
these days.
I wonder if I've lost my way;
lost my sight;
something essential
misplaced beneath the drifts...
Outstanding expansion of it:
but thaws occur - the sight of
dried flowers; an old scent -
then ice cracks, and slabs heave up
onto that summer beach,
tumbled every which way,
and colors appear:
pale-blue; sea green; mother of pearl;
the color of tears.
Pitch perfect closing note of redemption:
A dusting of new snow frosted
the beautiful slabs,
as they lay still, in graceful angles.
I turned back from
this perfect stillness and returned
to her house, to begin again.
I am giving six stars for originality, expressiveness and the rich nuances noted above. However, I detect a flaring spag issue in shifting of tenses, though poetic license permits playing with the rules. I recommend making all of it in past tense, since it begins with I REMEMBER and ends with past tense in the last verse. Doesn't make sense to have present creep in between.
I take(TOOK) the river path -
Also note one comma spag as well:
through the drifts,(no ,) as
Bravo! Great work.
Warmly, rd
reply by the author on 15-Aug-2018
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Thanks for bringing me along on your brief escape crunching new tracks
through the drifts, as garlands of snow gripped bare branches. I felt I was right there with you. Bravo on the well woven strands of alliteraiton in your phrasing and the fine descriptive richness and fluid flow. This is tight and polished, nuanced and inspired. Six stars!
Favorite lines:
where the creek forms a soft curl of beach
in summer,
great slabs of ice lay tumbled together;
stacked and askew,
but clean-edged as if sliced by
a careful god.
After a dash, no cap here. and I recommend using a ? instead of period, since it poses a question:
It must have been bitter freeze
and sudden thaw -
C(c)ould it be that,
beneath the ice water flowed
all the while
in black, smooth furls
as the world above froze
into perfect stillness.(?)
Hairs on end AHA lines (also favorites);
I am made of that ungentle world;
bones carved from
slabbed river ice; flesh washed by
restless water
in sullen flow; unseen.
OUTSTANDING METAPHOR FOR OUR TIMES:
Beneath the stillness of
snow and ice
something dark flows, always,
these days.
I wonder if I've lost my way;
lost my sight;
something essential
misplaced beneath the drifts...
Outstanding expansion of it:
but thaws occur - the sight of
dried flowers; an old scent -
then ice cracks, and slabs heave up
onto that summer beach,
tumbled every which way,
and colors appear:
pale-blue; sea green; mother of pearl;
the color of tears.
Pitch perfect closing note of redemption:
A dusting of new snow frosted
the beautiful slabs,
as they lay still, in graceful angles.
I turned back from
this perfect stillness and returned
to her house, to begin again.
I am giving six stars for originality, expressiveness and the rich nuances noted above. However, I detect a flaring spag issue in shifting of tenses, though poetic license permits playing with the rules. I recommend making all of it in past tense, since it begins with I REMEMBER and ends with past tense in the last verse. Doesn't make sense to have present creep in between.
I take(TOOK) the river path -
Also note one comma spag as well:
through the drifts,(no ,) as
Bravo! Great work.
Warmly, rd
Comment Written 14-Aug-2018
reply by the author on 15-Aug-2018
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Thank you, thank you for this detailed review. I felt very emotional after posting this and had to take a break for a day or two. But I do appreciate your tips to clean it up, which I know was needed. I wish you could see those slabs, they were so smooth on the top and bottom, 6-10 inches thick, with clean edges and just a dusting of new snow. I've never seen anything like it! Glad they came back into my mind, and once they did I had to write about them.
Anyway, I will make those changes later today. Now I'm off to run some errands. Thanks again!! :)))
love,
Carol
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Would have loved to see it.
Also off for errands!
Lots of Love,
rd
