Perennials of War
Viewing comments for Chapter 84 "Chapter Sechsundzwanzig Part eins"Is Anderson a gallant knight? Can he recover Shan
19 total reviews
Comment from robyn corum
Barbara,
You know I haven't been following this story as closely as I need to. I will take care of that asap. *smile* But, as always, your writing was nice and crisp and offered great concrete images for your reader.
I did see a few places that I'd like to comment on - of course, you are welcome to disagree and to completely ignore me. *smile*
1.) we contacted some friends -who we play pinochle with.
--> that 'who' isn't needed
--> I'm a big fan of streamlining every sentence and cutting out every excess or unneeded word. When I'm editing, I tell folks to pretend that every word they put INTO a story costs them $20 -- how many can you eliminate and still keep your story?
2.) About a month ago, they mentioned -they had a distant relative who had paid
--> 'they had' is not needed
3.) After dinner and the dishes were finished,
--> missing something.
--> After dinner and once the dishes were finished
4.) "Mom, back up?" After she went to the piano, Anderson played and sang.
Susan joined with music.
--> this is a bit muddled. It comes right after Shana speaks, so if it is still Shana speaking, please include it in the previous paragraph.
--> is it the mom going to the piano.
--> I'm thinking you mean that Susan is now playing the piano -- and though that may seem obvious, I don't think you should ever leave the reader to wonder. If we have to stop for a minute to make sure of something, or follow the conversation back to make sure who's speaking, we lose the 'flow'. Not good, right?
--> "I guess you're right." Shana smiled. "Mom, back up?"
Once Susan was seated at the piano, Anderson played and sang as the she tickled the keys. (*smile* you can do better, I'm sure)
5.) Soon everyone tapped their feet and sang along.
--> Soon everyone sang along as they tapped their feet.
6.) After the song ended, Grandma smiled.
--> this is the third 'smile'. Very generic. How about 'lifted her lips in a crooked grin' or something --> more showing than telling.
7.) If we're going to do this, we need to do it right." He began.
--> we can all fall into certain habits. I have to watch myself for a tendency to make many of my sentences in the same form. It looks like you may have a tendency to do this, too. Please notice that you frequently offer a quote and then some sort of separate action. IMO, you need to watch for this habit and try to vary it.
--> If we're going to do this, we need to do it right." He began.
--> 'he began' is a bit confusing. He really sounds like a speech tag here and I think it would help if you said what it is he is beginning:
--> As Zachary began to pluck the strings, he said, "If we're going to..."
--> I do realize you are trying to avoid using a lot of speech tags, but here and there is fine and helps to change up things.
8.) Michael took his mom's arm, "Ready?" and began the Texas Two-Step.
--> Michael took his mom's arm(.) "Ready?" he asked. Without waiting for an answer, he began to walk her through the Texas Two-Step.
--> please know that I realize you can do much better than my examples in all these notes.
I hope you may find something helpful here and know, for sure, that I am not trying to offend in any way. I enjoyed the chapter (or partial chapter)
Please be sure to let me know if you edit and I will pop back over to re-rate.
Thanks and have a super week!
reply by the author on 02-Jul-2018
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Barbara,
You know I haven't been following this story as closely as I need to. I will take care of that asap. *smile* But, as always, your writing was nice and crisp and offered great concrete images for your reader.
I did see a few places that I'd like to comment on - of course, you are welcome to disagree and to completely ignore me. *smile*
1.) we contacted some friends -who we play pinochle with.
--> that 'who' isn't needed
--> I'm a big fan of streamlining every sentence and cutting out every excess or unneeded word. When I'm editing, I tell folks to pretend that every word they put INTO a story costs them $20 -- how many can you eliminate and still keep your story?
2.) About a month ago, they mentioned -they had a distant relative who had paid
--> 'they had' is not needed
3.) After dinner and the dishes were finished,
--> missing something.
--> After dinner and once the dishes were finished
4.) "Mom, back up?" After she went to the piano, Anderson played and sang.
Susan joined with music.
--> this is a bit muddled. It comes right after Shana speaks, so if it is still Shana speaking, please include it in the previous paragraph.
--> is it the mom going to the piano.
--> I'm thinking you mean that Susan is now playing the piano -- and though that may seem obvious, I don't think you should ever leave the reader to wonder. If we have to stop for a minute to make sure of something, or follow the conversation back to make sure who's speaking, we lose the 'flow'. Not good, right?
--> "I guess you're right." Shana smiled. "Mom, back up?"
Once Susan was seated at the piano, Anderson played and sang as the she tickled the keys. (*smile* you can do better, I'm sure)
5.) Soon everyone tapped their feet and sang along.
--> Soon everyone sang along as they tapped their feet.
6.) After the song ended, Grandma smiled.
--> this is the third 'smile'. Very generic. How about 'lifted her lips in a crooked grin' or something --> more showing than telling.
7.) If we're going to do this, we need to do it right." He began.
--> we can all fall into certain habits. I have to watch myself for a tendency to make many of my sentences in the same form. It looks like you may have a tendency to do this, too. Please notice that you frequently offer a quote and then some sort of separate action. IMO, you need to watch for this habit and try to vary it.
--> If we're going to do this, we need to do it right." He began.
--> 'he began' is a bit confusing. He really sounds like a speech tag here and I think it would help if you said what it is he is beginning:
--> As Zachary began to pluck the strings, he said, "If we're going to..."
--> I do realize you are trying to avoid using a lot of speech tags, but here and there is fine and helps to change up things.
8.) Michael took his mom's arm, "Ready?" and began the Texas Two-Step.
--> Michael took his mom's arm(.) "Ready?" he asked. Without waiting for an answer, he began to walk her through the Texas Two-Step.
--> please know that I realize you can do much better than my examples in all these notes.
I hope you may find something helpful here and know, for sure, that I am not trying to offend in any way. I enjoyed the chapter (or partial chapter)
Please be sure to let me know if you edit and I will pop back over to re-rate.
Thanks and have a super week!
Comment Written 02-Jul-2018
reply by the author on 02-Jul-2018
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I have edited. Please let me know if I have made improvements or only made them worse. I did try..
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Love it!
Comment from Sandra Stoner-Mitchell
Shana must make her mind up and soon. She loves Drew and he loves her, everyone can see it. Religion should not dictate the feelings of the heart, but unfortunately it does in many cultures. God didn't intend it to be that way. Poor Drew, you have to feel sorry for him. I hope the conversation goes someway into resolving this matter.
Another very well written part, Barbara, very well done. Have a wonderful time with your family, I'm sure you will!!! :) Sandra xxxx
reply by the author on 02-Jul-2018
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Shana must make her mind up and soon. She loves Drew and he loves her, everyone can see it. Religion should not dictate the feelings of the heart, but unfortunately it does in many cultures. God didn't intend it to be that way. Poor Drew, you have to feel sorry for him. I hope the conversation goes someway into resolving this matter.
Another very well written part, Barbara, very well done. Have a wonderful time with your family, I'm sure you will!!! :) Sandra xxxx
Comment Written 02-Jul-2018
reply by the author on 02-Jul-2018
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Thank you for the kind review.
Comment from giraffmang
Hi Barbara,
Good instalment once again. The relationships work well and are deepening all the time. The family dynamics play a crucial part here pushing the relationship between Anderson & Shana.
It may be an idea to, at some point, put in the name of the songs they sang. Just for a bit of added depth.
reply by the author on 02-Jul-2018
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Hi Barbara,
Good instalment once again. The relationships work well and are deepening all the time. The family dynamics play a crucial part here pushing the relationship between Anderson & Shana.
It may be an idea to, at some point, put in the name of the songs they sang. Just for a bit of added depth.
Comment Written 02-Jul-2018
reply by the author on 02-Jul-2018
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I originally had the names of the songs in the manuscript and it was suggested I take them out. I did. I still have them in my original manuscript. Now, I wonder what I should do. Thank you for the help.
Comment from Mustang Patty
Hi, Barbara,
The chapter was lovely and I do feel so sorry for Shana. She and Drew will have to find a way to get past the differences in their backgrounds. Perhaps Drew would consider converting to Judaism? Probably not, huh?
I do wish you well on your trip. Travel safe and enjoy spending time with your family.
~patty~
reply by the author on 01-Jul-2018
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Hi, Barbara,
The chapter was lovely and I do feel so sorry for Shana. She and Drew will have to find a way to get past the differences in their backgrounds. Perhaps Drew would consider converting to Judaism? Probably not, huh?
I do wish you well on your trip. Travel safe and enjoy spending time with your family.
~patty~
Comment Written 01-Jul-2018
reply by the author on 01-Jul-2018
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Thank you for the kind review.
Comment from Mastery
Hi, Barbara. I like the way this chapter flows from start to finish. Looks like old flames are burning here, huh?
One suggestion for the future: (Up to you, but I think you will like it better) Put the personal action of the character, before their speech. Like here:
"I'm sure it'll be delicious." Shana smiled." (switch these around. I noticed you do this frequently and I think you would hear a better sound as I have suggested like this: "Shana smiled. "I'm sure it'll be delicious." ( caan you see and hear the difference between the two, Barbara?
Also:Here: "I guess you're right." Shana smiled. (Shana smiled. "I guess you're right.)
And: "Michael took his mom's arm, "Ready?" and began the Texas Two-Step." (seems to be quickly painted over instead of being believable as it is. Perhaps try. Michael took his mother's arm. "Are you ready to dance, Mom?" With that, he stepped out and began the Texas-Two-Step.
Good job, my friend. Bob
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reply by the author on 01-Jul-2018
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Hi, Barbara. I like the way this chapter flows from start to finish. Looks like old flames are burning here, huh?
One suggestion for the future: (Up to you, but I think you will like it better) Put the personal action of the character, before their speech. Like here:
"I'm sure it'll be delicious." Shana smiled." (switch these around. I noticed you do this frequently and I think you would hear a better sound as I have suggested like this: "Shana smiled. "I'm sure it'll be delicious." ( caan you see and hear the difference between the two, Barbara?
Also:Here: "I guess you're right." Shana smiled. (Shana smiled. "I guess you're right.)
And: "Michael took his mom's arm, "Ready?" and began the Texas Two-Step." (seems to be quickly painted over instead of being believable as it is. Perhaps try. Michael took his mother's arm. "Are you ready to dance, Mom?" With that, he stepped out and began the Texas-Two-Step.
Good job, my friend. Bob
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 01-Jul-2018
reply by the author on 01-Jul-2018
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I like your idea but the reason I try to mix it up is because I don't want to start all the paragraphs alike and with a person's name. I'm not sure how to correct that, but I will work on that. Thank you.
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Hi, Barbara. I am no expert, but I did learn that a few things in writing are constants. for instance even though we may think that "I said, she said" become monatenous after a while, it is not so. The experts like Strunk and white say it is usually the only tags to use, believe it or not.
Also, as pertins to action/versus spokenword, what I have showed you is the best way to go. If your writing is strong enough, it will not matter to the reader. bless you. do as you please, I was only trying to help. sometimes things we have been doing for a long time are not necessarily a good idea and we need someone to bring these things to our attention. (wink) Bob
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Please understand that I am not arguing. I have just been gigged over and over again, for starting my sentences the same. I have even had reviewers count the number of times I started sentences the same. That's why I try not to do it. Please understand. I am just asking and trying to understand what's best.
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I understand, Barbara. Here is a reasonable solution to your quandry. Lets just say aa member from fanstory tells yo something as advice. Would you sooner listen to them or an established certifiable in print author who is selling books? I have two books in published (really published..not self-published) There is a big difference you know that. So, compae that publishe dperson's advice versus tha tof a member who is offering up God knows what...not on purpose but only from their limited knowledge. I would NEVER tell you anything I was not absolutely sure of, my friend. You take it from there, okay. If you'd like, I will stop giving you advice. Perhaps that's best. Than all of these people who have gigged you over and over as you say can do the best for you, no doubt. Take care and good luck, Barbara. Bob
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Please keep giving me advice. I try to work it through my brain. Please be patient with me.
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I suggest you start by reading some good books on the ssubject like Stephen King's "on Writing" and go from there. Bob
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I have numerous books on writing and I do check them out on a regular bases. I have this question into my professional editor and I will see what she says.
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I simply cannot understand, Barbara. If you have read even three books...you would have most of your questions answered. I kid you not.
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I simply cannot understand, Barbara. If you have read even three books...you would have most of your questions answered. I kid you not.
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I have more than three and to be perfectly honest they often contradict each other. I normally go by the advice that most books says. I have books published by Writer's Digest, books used in college writing courses, books suggested by Romance Writer's of America, and The Blue Book of Grammar and Punctuation. Oh yeah, Stunk and White's Elements of Style.
Comment from Ulla
Hi Barbara, I'm writing this as I'm listening to the song. A wonderful chapter and I'm looking forward to when you can post. Well, at last something seems to be moving between Drew and Shana. You have a good time back in the Midwest with all your family. All the best. Ulla:)))
reply by the author on 01-Jul-2018
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Hi Barbara, I'm writing this as I'm listening to the song. A wonderful chapter and I'm looking forward to when you can post. Well, at last something seems to be moving between Drew and Shana. You have a good time back in the Midwest with all your family. All the best. Ulla:)))
Comment Written 01-Jul-2018
reply by the author on 01-Jul-2018
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Thank you for the kind review.
Comment from royowen
Firstly have a great time in the Midwest with your family, particularly your 86 year old, my mum passed away in 2010 aged 89. Well done, great little chapter Barbara, getting together with grandparents, playing an instrument and worshiping God with family, both my kids play, as do I, themes were great when they were home. Beautifully written Barbara, well done, blessings, Roy
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reply by the author on 01-Jul-2018
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Firstly have a great time in the Midwest with your family, particularly your 86 year old, my mum passed away in 2010 aged 89. Well done, great little chapter Barbara, getting together with grandparents, playing an instrument and worshiping God with family, both my kids play, as do I, themes were great when they were home. Beautifully written Barbara, well done, blessings, Roy
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 01-Jul-2018
reply by the author on 01-Jul-2018
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Thank you for the kind review.
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Welcome Barbara
Comment from c_lucas
When I was a youngster, my mother paid ten dollars for an old upright piano. Every Monday night, we had a sing-a-long. Mother married off her five daughters and a son. She said the piano paid for itself. This is very well written.
reply by the author on 01-Jul-2018
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When I was a youngster, my mother paid ten dollars for an old upright piano. Every Monday night, we had a sing-a-long. Mother married off her five daughters and a son. She said the piano paid for itself. This is very well written.
Comment Written 01-Jul-2018
reply by the author on 01-Jul-2018
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Thank you for the kind review.
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My pleasure.
Comment from Sankey
God bless your time with your family friend. Can't help it. This hit all the right chords and emotions. Loved the "ho-down" with Drew's family. Not a spag to be found anywhere. A great lead up to who knows what down the road a little yet, perhaps.
reply by the author on 01-Jul-2018
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God bless your time with your family friend. Can't help it. This hit all the right chords and emotions. Loved the "ho-down" with Drew's family. Not a spag to be found anywhere. A great lead up to who knows what down the road a little yet, perhaps.
Comment Written 01-Jul-2018
reply by the author on 01-Jul-2018
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Thank you for the kind review.
