A Compilation of Short stories
Viewing comments for Chapter 29 "Who Knows"Expressions
19 total reviews
Comment from Joy Graham
Sounds like you survived the killer wave and now wake up in a magical place? At least that's where my imagination takes me lol! Maybe you arrived in Neverlands and will meet Peter Pan soon? Best wishes in this contest, Ulla :)
reply by the author on 12-May-2018
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Sounds like you survived the killer wave and now wake up in a magical place? At least that's where my imagination takes me lol! Maybe you arrived in Neverlands and will meet Peter Pan soon? Best wishes in this contest, Ulla :)
Comment Written 11-May-2018
reply by the author on 12-May-2018
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Thanks a lot, Joy. It's actually based on what once happened. I'm glad you liked it. All the best. Ulla:)))
Comment from Ric Myworld
Lots of good action here, an adventure we would gladly awaken to find isn't really happening. Or would we. I mean, there was a time I would have welcomed the challenge, but now days, imagining from my La-Z-Boy is all the action I need. Thanks for sharing. :-)
reply by the author on 11-May-2018
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Lots of good action here, an adventure we would gladly awaken to find isn't really happening. Or would we. I mean, there was a time I would have welcomed the challenge, but now days, imagining from my La-Z-Boy is all the action I need. Thanks for sharing. :-)
Comment Written 11-May-2018
reply by the author on 11-May-2018
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Thanks a lot Ric. I'm glad you liked it. I could be without that kind of action as well. All the best. Ulla:))
Comment from estory
Interesting dream like effect. I like the sudden jolt back into the bedroom and the window with the view of the sailboats in the harbor. The scene with the killer wave that preceeds it creates an unsettling feeling, like a buried phobia, a sense of fear of the water, and boats and waves, a feeling that a calm moment might blow up at any moment. It is deeper than first appears. estory
reply by the author on 11-May-2018
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Interesting dream like effect. I like the sudden jolt back into the bedroom and the window with the view of the sailboats in the harbor. The scene with the killer wave that preceeds it creates an unsettling feeling, like a buried phobia, a sense of fear of the water, and boats and waves, a feeling that a calm moment might blow up at any moment. It is deeper than first appears. estory
Comment Written 11-May-2018
reply by the author on 11-May-2018
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Hi estory, I'm really glad you liked it and that you see what I was hoping to achieve. All the best.Ulla:)))
Comment from Sasha
Absolutely marvelous job with this 150 Words Flash Fiction contest entry. Nightmares can often be more terrifying than reality. I know from personal experience. Being a woman of the sea I am sure you have had many close calls and far too many nightmares to attempt to count. I sincerely wish you all the best in this contest. Keep up the great work.
reply by the author on 11-May-2018
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Absolutely marvelous job with this 150 Words Flash Fiction contest entry. Nightmares can often be more terrifying than reality. I know from personal experience. Being a woman of the sea I am sure you have had many close calls and far too many nightmares to attempt to count. I sincerely wish you all the best in this contest. Keep up the great work.
Comment Written 11-May-2018
reply by the author on 11-May-2018
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Thanks a lot, Sasha. Yes, I've had a few bad dreams over the years, but not that many either,which is good. Thanks again for a great review. All the best. Ulla:)))
Comment from Swampfox1
This is a keep it in suspense ending and it leaves me wanting more. So, a gentle breeze as the Tsunami approaches and possible death approaches. Is that it or am I like a million miles off base? It's either that or a dream, I guess. Very , very, perplexing . Very well done. Thanks for sharing.
reply by the author on 11-May-2018
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This is a keep it in suspense ending and it leaves me wanting more. So, a gentle breeze as the Tsunami approaches and possible death approaches. Is that it or am I like a million miles off base? It's either that or a dream, I guess. Very , very, perplexing . Very well done. Thanks for sharing.
Comment Written 11-May-2018
reply by the author on 11-May-2018
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Thank you so very much for your great review. All the best. Ulla:)))
Comment from Rasmine
Ulla, hello, :)
I hope you are fine.
I really liked the beginning of your story. I wish it had stayed in real instead of a dream. But dreams will save the writing. I use them all the time.
Good luck!
reply by the author on 11-May-2018
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Ulla, hello, :)
I hope you are fine.
I really liked the beginning of your story. I wish it had stayed in real instead of a dream. But dreams will save the writing. I use them all the time.
Good luck!
Comment Written 11-May-2018
reply by the author on 11-May-2018
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Thanks a lot Rasmine, and I'm glad you liked it. All the best. Ulla:)))
Comment from rama devi
Second review
Good job on that added closing line.
Good job on edits. ONe further suggestion to trim THE used too often in the opening paragraph:
The wind picked up. The waves battered against the hull. Foam sprayed. We bounced from side to side. The sails filled to capacity.
Example edit:
The wind picked up. Waves battered against the hull. Foam sprayed. We bounced from side to side. Sails filled to capacity. I flinched.
(added two words is an example...trimming THE twice, you have two words to use...you can add them anywhere).
First review
This is good, with fine plot and characters in short form and good pacing.... though the waking up from a dream ending is cliche, it is done well. The word economy is fairly good but could be tighter for flash, micro-fiction genre. I am giving five stars, but strongly encourage further revision for better flash style.
A few example tightening and trimming options:
The wind picked up, and by now, it battered our boat making it bounce from side to side, the sails filled to capacity.
BY NOW is not really needed. Also, MAKING is not needed either (it's implied)...and having a long sentence in this context does not fit the scene well. Suggest two shorter sentences. Or one more trimmed one. With suggestions:
The wind picked up and battered our boat, which bounced from side to side, sails filled to capacity.
*I knew the drill very well, but this wasn't one.
TRIM OUT VERY
*A soft light filtered through the sand(-)coloured curtains, leaving the room in a soft light.
A SOFT LIGHT is already mentioned, so it would be idealtrim that last clause! Example:
A soft light filtered through the sand-coloured curtains.
*
I looked way out to the bay where the small boats swayed in the gentle breeze.
TRIMMED:
I looked out to the bay where small boats swayed in the gentle breeze.
I do realize that trimming makes this no longer fit the number of words required. But you can fill the gap with words that give more mileage in meaning (and perhaps rework the ending for more dramatic effect).
This is good...but could be better.
Good luck!
Love,
rd
reply by the author on 11-May-2018
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Second review
Good job on that added closing line.
Good job on edits. ONe further suggestion to trim THE used too often in the opening paragraph:
The wind picked up. The waves battered against the hull. Foam sprayed. We bounced from side to side. The sails filled to capacity.
Example edit:
The wind picked up. Waves battered against the hull. Foam sprayed. We bounced from side to side. Sails filled to capacity. I flinched.
(added two words is an example...trimming THE twice, you have two words to use...you can add them anywhere).
First review
This is good, with fine plot and characters in short form and good pacing.... though the waking up from a dream ending is cliche, it is done well. The word economy is fairly good but could be tighter for flash, micro-fiction genre. I am giving five stars, but strongly encourage further revision for better flash style.
A few example tightening and trimming options:
The wind picked up, and by now, it battered our boat making it bounce from side to side, the sails filled to capacity.
BY NOW is not really needed. Also, MAKING is not needed either (it's implied)...and having a long sentence in this context does not fit the scene well. Suggest two shorter sentences. Or one more trimmed one. With suggestions:
The wind picked up and battered our boat, which bounced from side to side, sails filled to capacity.
*I knew the drill very well, but this wasn't one.
TRIM OUT VERY
*A soft light filtered through the sand(-)coloured curtains, leaving the room in a soft light.
A SOFT LIGHT is already mentioned, so it would be idealtrim that last clause! Example:
A soft light filtered through the sand-coloured curtains.
*
I looked way out to the bay where the small boats swayed in the gentle breeze.
TRIMMED:
I looked out to the bay where small boats swayed in the gentle breeze.
I do realize that trimming makes this no longer fit the number of words required. But you can fill the gap with words that give more mileage in meaning (and perhaps rework the ending for more dramatic effect).
This is good...but could be better.
Good luck!
Love,
rd
Comment Written 11-May-2018
reply by the author on 11-May-2018
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Dear Rama, Thank you so much for all your help, and I haven't even promoted it yet! I wrote it late last nigh. and didn't edit at all. I just saved it not to lose it, never thinking I would get any review. But luckily I have. I have trimmed and re-written it in places, and I have 150 words exactly. I know it's a lot to ask, but I would be really happy if you have the time to give it another look. A thumps up will be yours. Love, Ulla:)))
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Aw, thanks. I'll be happy to, dear, and I appreciate your gracious response!
BTW: You can always post and not 'release' it when you are not ready for reviews.
Love and Light,
rd
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Hi rama, thanks so much for having a second look. I'll look into the first sentence.
I can't give you a thumps up because I've given you one less than a month, but as soon I can you'll have one.I won't forget. I really appreciate all your help. Of course I could just have written it and waited to release it. I'm in the US visiting my brother and family, and I tend to write late at night. I can't have been thinking straight. :)))
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Have a lovely visit. Which state are you in? Blessings and love,
rd
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I'm in Cape Cod, Massachussets. I love it here. And it's just so wonderful to be with my family. My book 'The Rustle In The Wind' is the story how I found my biological family in 2003 at the age of 51. It's a unique story with lots of twists. I do hope to publish one day. love,Ulla:)))
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How wonderful! So glad to hear of this. Hope you get to publish...and I believe I already offered you a discount if you want editing when your manuscript is ready. Sounds like a fascinating and uplifting story! Love, rd
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PS Cape Cod is lovely!
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Thanks a lot. I haven't forgotten that:)))
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:-)))
Comment from Phyllis Stewart
Well written with good use of minimal words. I suppose the wave was in dream, from which you woke? You said you "sat" but here it needs the word "up" with it, since you sat up in bed, different from sitting down in a chair. Without the extra word, the sentence is confusing.
reply by the author on 12-May-2018
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Well written with good use of minimal words. I suppose the wave was in dream, from which you woke? You said you "sat" but here it needs the word "up" with it, since you sat up in bed, different from sitting down in a chair. Without the extra word, the sentence is confusing.
Comment Written 11-May-2018
reply by the author on 12-May-2018
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Thanks a lot Phyllis. I'm so glad you liked it. All the best. Ulla:)))
Comment from Sankey
Thank God it was a dream, hehe. Well done. I loved the instant thrill and the relief that followed. A lovely picture chosen as well. One little tiny spag... I looke(d) way out
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 12-May-2018
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Thank God it was a dream, hehe. Well done. I loved the instant thrill and the relief that followed. A lovely picture chosen as well. One little tiny spag... I looke(d) way out
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 11-May-2018
reply by the author on 12-May-2018
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Thank you very much. I've edited. I'm glad you liked it.All the best.Ulla:)))
